Chapter 7
Gwen was surprised that she actually got to finish her English homework. She was even more so surprised that her brain was still functioning. They started writing essays now in class - which was pointless in Gwen's opinion, because summer holidays were about to start in less than a month. If only their teacher didn't act like they all already knew how to write one.
Since they only just started writing them, they were supposed to write a 600 word essay on either their all time favorite or least favorite movie, thankfully an easy topic where everybody could find something to write about. So Gwen started writing about how the 'The Lion King' remake was an abomination to cinema.
It should've been easy to write it. She had her arguments, an outline open on her phone that she found online, and she knew exactly what and how she was going to write it. But it got difficult the moment she took her pen and actually started writing. The words would mix up in her head and turn into an alphabet soup on her paper. Her eyes got blurry and her headache made it harder for her to think. She could barely focus and her eyes fluttered close several times. Gwen wanted to take some pain killer, but she had been taking so many lately that she was quite wary now. So she had to ignore her headache, wash her face with cold water in the bathroom, and finish off the damn essay.
Those were rough two hours of writing and rereading the essay several times, because, despite everything, Gwen was still somewhat trying to get better, and that also included getting better at school again. She still didn't really know what 'getting better' truly meant at this point, but she tried, actually tried. Some would see her attempt as nothing, mainly because she was better one day and then much worse the next, but Gwen was still hopeful.
(Well, she actually wasn't. But she thought that she could at least fake it 'till she'd make it.)
So once she had finally finished off the essay, she put her head onto her arms and closed her eyes, because her headache was absolutely terrible. It was pounding and was most likely the reason why her eye vision was so blurry. She spent two hours on this and only hoped that it would be moderately good enough, because writing this was so stressful that she started sweating.
Gwen was about to fall asleep on her desk until her phone rang. And it was not a notification for a text message, but her crime alert app (an idea that came from Ganke. Curse her for connecting every aspect of her life with Miles). Gwen frantically grabbed her phone and read that a house was on fire in Queens.
"Oh shit," Gwen whispered and got up to put on her suit as quickly as possible and left through the window.
The way to the house was not far, but her arms and shoulders were in so much pain with each swinging, that it felt like they were close to breaking off.
"Come on, Gwen. Come on," Gwen groaned through gritted teeth, and continued swinging her way towards the location.
If she allowed herself to rest for even a second because of the pain, then it would be a second that could put people at risk and even kill them. She couldn't allow for *that* to happen. Otherwise, she would have more blood on her hands than before.
Gwen could already see the fire and smoke from afar, so once she arrived in the neighborhood, she ran straight towards the crowd of people watching the fire in horror. Before she even had the chance to ask if someone was still inside the house, a horrified woman ran up to her.
"Oh Spider-Woman, thank God. Please, you need to help us. My daughter is still in her room. We couldn't get her out in time," she cried out and nearly collapsed to the ground if it weren't for two other women catching her.
"Where is she? Where is her room?" Gwen asked, already walking towards the burning house.
"Second floor. You can go there through the garden. Please, just get my baby out."
"Don't worry, I will!" Gwen shouted as she was running around the house to the garden.
Once she got there, she saw a few windows on the second floor and immediately shot a web up so she could look for a child through each window, and it didn't take long, because Gwen saw her through the second window, crouched in a corner and hiding her face in her knees, Gwen almost didn't catch her through all the smoke. She punched the window as hard as she could and immediately jumped inside, launching her way to the little girl.
"Oh God," Gwen chocked out, because the smoke made it really difficult for her to breathe, and she had to cough.
The girl didn't notice her and still hid her face in her knees, shaking and crying, so Gwen gently put a hand on her arm and softly said: "hey."
The little girl, who didn't look older than seven years old, jumped away from the touch and opened her eyes widely in horror until she recognized who was standing in front of her.
"Spider-Woman!" She said in astonishment.
"Yes, it's me.” Mimicking the girls awestruck tone. “Wanna come and get outta here?" Gwen asked lightly, trying to keep her from feeling too much fear and get them out of here quickly and safely.
But the question caused the complete opposite reaction, as she recoiled and said: "no, I can't"
Suddenly, a piece of wood fell down from the ceiling behind them and Gwen started panicking. But for the sake of the girl, she tried not to show it.
"Yes, you can! You're strong, I know you can do it."
"No, I can't, I'm not like you," she exclaimed and shook her head.
Gwen sighed. She knew she was going to regret it, but she didn't care. At this point, her mind stopped making logical choices anyway, but it was either this or dying from the fire. So Gwen took off her mask and showed her face to the little girl, who looked utterly aghast at the sudden reveal.
"You see? I'm just like you. Look, we even have the same hair color. If I can do it, then so do you. Now, will you?" Gwen asked with an encouraging smile and held her arms out towards her.
The girl said nothing, still staring in shock and wonder, then got up and walked straight towards Gwen's waiting arms, who instantly caught her and stood up. But she almost fell down again after her legs nearly gave out.
'Fuck, no, no, no,' Gwen thought frantically.
It was already as difficult as it was standing on her own feet with all the pain, but now carrying a child in her arms made it even ten times harder. Gwen nearly cried and screamed loudly from the pain.
"Are you okay?" The girl asked in worry and fear as she looked at Gwen, who was trying to keep her balance.
"Yeah, yeah, it's okay," Gwen said, but she was breathing heavily, which she shouldn't be doing with all the smoke in the air, but she couldn't stop it, and frankly, she had way bigger worries.
Gwen took a step forward and bit her teeth together as hard as she could because 'holy shit, I didn't know that the pain could get even worse.' But suddenly another piece of wood fell down, almost on top of them and Gwen tripped backwards, hitting her head against the wall and falling down with the child still in her arms screaming.
Gwen hit her head hard, and she could hear ringing in her ears. She was dizzy, could barely breathe and was so tired that she almost let herself go. It felt nice for once to just let it all go.
‘Just for a second,’ Gwen thought.
But suddenly she felt someone shaking her shoulders and heard them screaming: "Get up, Spider-Woman! Come on, get up! help me!" And Gwen was almost instantly pulled out of her hazy state, feeling like she was about to have a heart attack at the sudden realization.
'Shit, why did I let this happen? Why? Why? WHY?' Gwen scolded herself as she lifted herself up as fast as she could and immediately took the little girl, who was coughing violently.
"Gotcha!" Gwen said and held her close to her chest.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I won't let anything happen to you. I am so sorry," Gwen said remorsefully, feeling ashamed of her actions and trying to comfort both the little girl and herself, as she stood back on her feet and ran towards the broken window as fast as possible.
Despite everything happening around, Gwen was able to shoot a web outside and then jump back to the garden. The moment her feet landed on the ground, Gwen fell down from pure exhaustion but fortunately landed in a way that saved the child from getting hurt and laying on her chest.
But at least now Gwen could finally breathe fresh air again, and the little girl was safe in her arms, though shaken up and eyes filled with tears. Still, she looked down at Gwen and said quietly: "I'm Jenna."
Gwen looked at her with tired eyes, but lightly smiled and said: "hey Jenna."
Jenna smiled brightly, even though she was still shaking from the horror of the event.
"Your secret is safe is with me," Jenna whispered into her ear.
Gwen's eyes widened because she nearly forgot about her reveal, even though her mask was still tightly clutched in her hand. But she smiled and was grateful that Jenna was willing to keep her identity a secret, especially because she was so young. People would do anything to reveal her identity.
"Thank you," Gwen whispered back.
Jenna giggled and hugged her tightly around her neck. Gwen realized that this was the first time in almost forever that somebody hugged her. She tried not to get sentimental because this was just a child she had met, but damn did that hug bring her comfort. Gwen hugged her back and slowly sat up.
“Come on," Gwen said and got up onto her feet. "Let's take you back to your mother."
Gwen put her mask back on and shot a web to get them both back to the street, seeing that firefighters had finally arrived. Jenna's mother ran up to them as fast as she could and took her child back into her arms.
"Jenna, my baby," she said as soon as Jenna was back in her embrace.
Gwen watched as both mother and daughter were crying and shaking. The mother opened her eyes, looked at Gwen and said: "thank you so much, Spider-Woman."
"You're welcome," Gwen said, smiling through the mask and taking a step forward to get a look at Jenna again.
She turned around in her mother's embrace and smiled at Gwen: "thank you," Jenna said and held a hand out to her.
Gwen took the hand, caressing it and said: "no, it's thanks to you we got out of there. You're very brave, Jenna. I'm so proud of you."
The girl beamed in joy at that and squeezed Gwen's hand tightly, who squeezed it back.
"I gotta go now," Gwen said. "But you better take care of your mom now, all right?"
"I will," Jenna said, smiling widely, her tears long gone, and hugged her mother.
Gwen smiled, turned around and swung her way back home. But before Gwen continued her path, she stopped on top of the closest apartment building around and let herself fall onto the ground, letting in room for all the emotions, stress and hyperventilating.
"Oh my God," Gwen kept repeating. 'I nearly killed her. I nearly fucking killed someone. Again.'
She could barely breathe through the mask, so she ripped it off with a trembling hand and continued panicking, and her hands were growing numb as she was pulling on her hair. Gwen couldn’t comprehend what just almost happened. This little girl nearly died and it was all Gwen’s fault. She nearly caused another death, and no matter how many excuses she could think of, none of them mattered, because she almost got this little child killed.
Flashes of her old best friend appeared on her mind, and her brain could no longer keep Peter and Jenna apart. Did they both die? Did she rescue them both? What was even going on? Why did this keep on happening to her? Why was everybody at risk in her hands? Why was there so much blood on her hands?
‘Because you’re a failure, a disaster, a disgrace, a murderer and you don’t deserve anything,’ the voices said in her head, harsher than ever before.
Gwen felt sick to her stomach, worse than ever before. And with the combination of her pounding headache that also got worse with her hitting her head, the nausea was only maximized. She always hated vomiting, but in this moment Gwen could no longer maintain herself, she could feel the bile coming up. Just before it got really bad, Gwen dragged herself to the closest corner just in time and vomited. It was not a lot, which was expected. When was the last time she ate anyway?
Once everything was out, Gwen started dry heaving, trying to catch her breath. But that was difficult especially after her panic attack. As she finally calmed down from the panicking and the vomiting, Gwen leaned back and wrapped her arms around herself as her body was shivering from both the cold and the reaction of her body to the puking. Tears were falling from her eyes as her mind replayed the moment where Jenna fell from her arms and nearly into her death.
This was all Gwen’s fault. Because she was not a good Spider-Woman, because she was not strong enough, because she didn’t try being better at her job, because she was so, so weak. Why, why was she cursed with such a weakness? Why couldn't she be strong? Why couldn't she just be good?
Gwen was spiraling. Her mind was loud. So, so loud and the voices just wouldn't stop. It was pure emotional torture.
"Shut up! Please, just shut the fuck up!" Gwen muttered and kept on hitting her head with her fingers.
As Gwen sat there on the rooftop, all alone without anybody to help her calm down, Gwen hid her face on her knees and cried. God, she just wanted somebody to come here, hug her and let her cry. She just wanted somebody to cheer her up and console her, wanted to talk it all out, wanted to get rid off all the noise in her head that wouldn't let her rest. Well, Gwen nearly had that person, just one phone call away from coming over to her and doing all that she wished for, but Gwen had to mess it all up.
'You don't deserve Miles, you don't deserve his comfort. You don't deserve ANY comfort,' the voice kept saying.
As much as Gwen wished she didn't listen to these voices, she unfortunately believed every single words they said. Held onto them and lived by their rules. Waited to hear from them so she could be guided in every situation.
Nobody should be here right now and have to deal with Gwen's turmoil, because she deserved this. But that didn't mean that Gwen still didn't want this. At times, when Gwen was laying on her bed, she envisioned a life where she wasn't such a screw up, a ruin, somebody who caused unforgivable mistakes. Instead, she saw her herself being a good Spider-Woman, who saved everyone without any failure. She saw somebody that was strong, that still had her Peter by her side. She saw herself being happy with Miles without any lies or broken trust. She would introduce the two and feel happy about the most important people in her life knowing each other. She saw herself being happy. Truly and sincerely happy. But all of that was just a fantasy, something that was just way too good to be true.
Gwen wanted to get up and leave. She wanted to go home, change into her pajamas and go to bed, even if she wasn't going to sleep. But Gwen could not get up. She felt glued to the ground, tired, both physically and mentally, and the idea of getting carried to bed just seemed way more appealing. But nobody was there to carry or help her. So Gwen leaned against a wall, looked up at the cloudless night sky and watched until her eyes slowly closed and she fell into a restless sleep.
*
The moment Gwen woke up she had completely forgotten about the incident that had ocurred last night, so when she opened her eyes and she saw an unfamiliar neighborhood, she was left confused.
"What the hell?" Gwen said drowsily, and wiped her eyes to get a better sight.
After she looked around for a bit, she recognized a shop and knew that she was still in Queens. All right, good, she recognized the place, but that still didn't explain why she was here, why she even slept here. Gwen went with her hand through her hair, hoping that it might help her reawake some memories, but things only took a turn once she looked down and saw her suit covered in ashes. That was when everything hit her.
"Oh no," Gwen whispered, horrified.
It all came back to her. Her essay, the alert, the fire, Jenna, the accident. Shit, the accident that should've never happened. The accident that nearly killed the little girl whose mother she had promised to get her back safely. Gwen was about to get overwhelmed by emotions, but she wanted to get home, now. Wanted to crawl into her bed and hide from the entire world forever. Yes, that sounded nice. So Gwen took a deep breathe, prepared herself to start swinging and finally made her way back home. Gwen felt like she was on autopilot modus, not feeling anything, and not even realizing she arrived home until her feet stopped over her apartment building.
Gwen stepped inside her room through her window and removed her mask. She was too shaken up to notice the fact that somebody was inside her room and leaning against her desk. Her mind was replaying the moment where Jenna was begging for her help in agony and blood curling screams.
"Get up, Spider-Woman! Come on, get up! help me!"
She could still hear Jenna’s screaming, almost ringing in her ears, could feel the way she was trembling in Gwen's arms.
'She almost died because of you,' the voice said in her head.
Jenna’s face would replace itself with Peter's and Gwen realized that Jenna had indeed almost fallen to her death. How? How was Gwen ever supposed to live with that?
"Nice essay, Gwendy. Totally agree with you," a voice blurted out, out of nowhere.
Gwen shrieked out loud at the sudden scare, ready to attack the intruder. But when she turned towards the direction where the voice came from, and Gwen saw that it was none other than Hobie, she relaxed.
"Holy shit, Hobie, don't ever do that again," Gwen said, exasperated and holding a hand up to her chest.
Gwen didn't mention how she nearly leaped over and wanted to hug him. She missed him so much that she was almost close to tears. It had just been so long since she had last seen him.
"Interesting, and your senses didn't warn you?" Hobie asked, raising an eyebrow and taking a step toward her.
Gwen's fingers twitched in anticipation for a hug. When she realized what she was doing, Gwen balled her hands into fists.
"Wha- what are you doing here?" Gwen asked, ignoring his question.
Hobie's stern gaze didn't leave her as he sighed. Everything about his demeanor left goosebumps all over her arms. In all the time Gwen had known Hobie, she had never seen him this serious before and wondered if this was a reason for concerns. Not even the most serious situations would make him lose hit wit. It was certainly unsettling seeing him like this.
It looked like he was about to say something and jump straight into the topic of discussion, but then he deflated, spread his arms wide open with a light smile and said: "come here, I missed you."
Gwen hesitated for a moment, knowing that there was something off about everything. His sudden and unannounced appearance couldn't have been just because he missed her. But as touch-starved as Gwen was, she craved the feeling of comfort and arms wrapped around her body. And now that someone, whom she considered part of her family, offered her a hug, Gwen moved forward and fell straight into his embrace.
Hobie instantly wrapped one arm around her shoulders while his other hand played with her hair and massaged her scalp. Meanwhile, Gwen hid her face in his chest, tightly grabbed the back of his jacket and took in his scent to ground herself.
"We miss you, Gwendy. We all miss you at the HQ," Hobie said as he put his chin on top of her head.
'I miss you guys, too. I miss you guys so much that I can't stop thinking about you guys and it hurts,' Gwen wanted to say but couldn't get the words out.
She pulled back from the hug and looked him in the eyes, trying to say something, but Hobie only smiled at her and pulled her back towards his chest and said: "Just stay like this for a moment, I really missed you."
Hobie missed her, he truly did, but that wasn't the main reason he went to visit and hug her. He saw it in her longing stare, the way her hands twitched forward as if she were trying to reach out to him, her tight grip on him, and how he was sure that he could feel her breathing in his scent.
Gwen needed someone, and Hobie regretted not having come sooner. It had been so long since he last hugged her - hell, since he had last seen her - but Hobie could swear that hugging her wasn't usually this uncomfortable and worrisome, especially because her whole body was shaking.
"You're shaking real bad, did something happen?" Hobie asked.
Gwen was still in her suit, so he assumed that it must have been something mission related. She leaned back from the hug, and he fully took in her appearance. Her face and her suit both had ashes and burn marks on them. Her hair was all over the place, and her eyes looked like they had seen a ghost.
"Oh- just an incident. A place was burning down and it was rough, but now everybody is safe, so it's all okay," Gwen said.
It shouldn't be considered a lie, because that's exactly what happened. Well, Gwen might have minimized the scale of the damage caused in the dilemma, but he didn't need to know that. Hobie didn't look impressed though, able to see through her lies better than anyone. But he didn't say anything and instead changed the topic.
"Gwendy, you know you're like a little sister to me, right?" He asked as he held her by both of her shoulders.
"Yes..." Gwen muttered and looked up into his deep brown eyes.
Hobie could feel his heart breaking when he realized that she was pretty out of it. Her eyes looked lifeless and sunken in, as if the candles in them burned out. Her body was shivering uncontrollably, and when he went with his fingers through her hair, it was thin and broken. He should've never waited for this long to confront her, especially because he had been aware that she had been struggling for quite some time.
But Hobie wanted to deny the fact the she might have been struggling. He didn't want to look at her and acknowledge the fact that she was seriously and dangerously mentally ill. It was easier to think that she was just going through a phase like everyone did once in a while. But once he knew that, no, this was far more critical than just a phase, he had been thinking about ways to talk to her. The only struggle was finding how to do that, and that was an even bigger trial.
"And I've always been there for you," Hobie said.
Gwen only nodded, no longer feeling the energy to talk, but it didn't matter to Hobie because he just had to talk to her first anyway.
"And I will always be there for you, Gwendy, just like when we first met and you told me about your dad and your Peter. But I need you to answer something for me so I can still do that, ok?"
Gwen stared at him, but then looked down and nodded. Good, at least she was comprehending.
Hobie sighed, hating to do this, but knowing that he had to. "Gwen," - 'Oh no' Gwen thought, 'he didn't call me by my nickname'. - "Why are you starving yourself?"
Gwen had chills running down her spine at the question. Starving? Yes, that was what she was doing. But why? because it felt good? Yes, but actually no. Because she deserved it? Absolutely. But was she going to tell him? Definitely not. Seeing how just everybody had an issue with her habit and tried to make her quit, was reason enough for her to not tell him.
"Because," Gwen said.
Hobie stared at her, as he waited for her to continue. But she never did.
"Because?" Hobie asked, trying to get the words out of her.
Gwen nodded her head. "Because," she said.
Hobie looked at her blankly with slightly open lips, and honestly, Gwen didn't blame him for that because even she thought that her answer was ridiculous. That didn't mean though that she was going to say anything else.
Hobie took a deep breath, because shit, this was fucking difficult. It felt like trying to bring a wall to talk.
"Gwen," Hobie said. "This is serious. Why are you doing this all to yourself?"
"Why on earth do you care?" Gwen snapped.
She was tired, hungry, cold, felt like shit, and honestly, didn't feel in the mood at all to be interrogated in her own room. This was her safe space, where she could escape the entire world, and he shouldn't be coming into her room and expecting her to talk.
Hobie didn't expect that reaction though, especially not from her of all people. Gwen was always usually cool-headed and laid-back. But Hobie tried to be understanding. With her current condition, he could only imagine what it must have done with her. So, her action and reaction should probably be understandable.
"I care because you're very important to me, Gwendy," he answered calmly. "And I want to know what happened to my little sister for her to get to this place."
Gwen only stared at him in irritation. She wanted him to leave, right now, but she didn't want to voice her wish. Gwen missed Hobie so much, but he was only doing everything that made her want to kick him out of her room, her apartment and her dimension for that matter.
"Gwen-"
"Stop! Just stop!" Gwen snapped, yet again. "I don't know why you seriously care, I don't know why you wanna help, but you need to leave."
That stopped Hobie, who looked heartbroken, and Gwen immediately felt guilty for doing that. But she didn't know that he looked this heartbroken because of her state, not because of her words.
Gwen just started crying again. Curse her and her uncontrollable crying. She was either numb to the world, or bursting into tears. there was never an in between at this point.
"Please," Gwen begged silently as she was wiping the tears from her eyes. "Just leave."
She had her eyes closed, with her head looking down as she tried getting rid of the tears on her face. But she could hear Hobie's footstep. They were getting more quiet as he left through the window. But before she heard him leave her room he said:
"We're not doing this for ourselves, just for you, Gwendy. Because we love you and we want to help. You know where you'll find us." and then he left.
She didn't get it. Why would they love her? Why would they care for her? She was rotten, irreparable and wrecked. She thought she made a good choice by getting him to leave, knowing that she wouldn't burden him. But once she heard his final footstep, Gwen felt like she made an absolute terrible mistake. Was it? Or not? Gwen had no idea. Her mind was just a clusterfuck of emotions and what not. She just wanted to sleep, wanted to rest. Wanted to forget about the rest of the world.
*
It had been maybe days, or even over a week already since Hobie's unexpected visit, and Gwen was 100 percent sure that she had finally reached a point where she was entirely numb. It was scary to think. It felt like a state of having reached dead while still present in this world. Gwen thought that she was walking around like a zombie, and her reflection could attest to that.
'Is this what people mean when they say they have no care in the world?' Gwen thought to herself, because now, everything in life was just useless, pointless and just stupid.
She thought nothing could scare or move her anymore. But hey, at least she could say that she had turned fearless. (or more accurately, numb to fear).
Gwen was currently staring at her blank ceiling. Her bed no longer felt comfortable, so she was laying on the floor. Maybe it was not the best choice to just lay on the cold floor, but it certainly wasn't uncomfortable, surprisingly enough. She wished she could say that she thought of something, had another moment where her fantasy showed her something pleasant, but it was absolutely empty. But at least her mind was quiet, the voices were drowned out by the silence.
It was silent, very silent, Gwen was sure that her dad was home, but she guessed that not even he was in the mood for something entertaining to fill in the house. Gwen didn't care.
The only sound she could hear was her own rigid breathing and her irregular heartbeat. It sounded therapeutic, strangely enough. That heartbeat should've scared her shitless.
But the silence was replaced by a sound coming from her goober, and Gwen was confused by that. That thing had been almost unused for so many weeks, actually even months. Why was it suddenly activated? Gwen thought that maybe she was called over for a mission, but she hadn't been on one in months, and at this point, everyone got the note that she simply didn't want to work with them anymore.
The moment Gwen took the goober and saw why it suddenly released a sound, her heart dropped to her stomach, and Gwen suddenly remembered this feeling of horror creeping up on her.
"Oh no," Gwen whispered.
Because it was a message from Miguel saying:
'Come to the HQ. We need to talk.'