Chapter 6
The sun was shining over New York as summertime was finally opening its doors. Children were running and playing around, some people were enjoying ice cream and others were jogging and exercising.
To put it simple, it was a warm and beautiful day, obvious by everyone's joy filled and happy expressions. But while everyone was enjoying this nice Saturday afternoon, Gwen was sitting on a park bench completely freezing and barely able to enjoy anything.
Holy shit, why couldn't she get herself warm? What was this curse of freezing from the inside? The sun was shining right onto the park bench she was sitting on, she chose that seat for that particular reason anyway. Gwen still slept with a heating pad each night, wore multiple layers of clothing - hell, she goes through the days with a long-sleeved shirt and a sweatshirt or a hoodie- and sat right under the sun whenever she patrolled.
Absolutely nothing worked, and as she stared at all the people around the park wearing t-shirts and shorts, Gwen felt herself freezing even more. But nobody would get it. She was cold from the inside. Them staring at her for her questionable clothing choices was not going to help either.
Gwen looked down at her her bony hands and fingers that were playing with the sleeves of her sweatshirt, because she wanted to avoid any sort of eye contact. She could feel so many stares on her, but tried pretending like she didn't notice nor care about them. But Jesus, did they make her unbearably uncomfortable. Did nobody ever teach them that staring at someone was rude?
Some looked at her as if she were a freak, judging stares thrown at her and hurtful words whispered around that Gwen's super-hearing picked up on, and others looked at her in worry and concern, wondering if they should approach her and ask about her well-being. In fact, just an hour ago some girl Gwen had never seen before actually dared approaching her while she was petting a stray cat that was sitting next to her.
"You're such a beautiful and strong girl, you don't need to change yourself for anyone," she said as she grabbed and held Gwen's hand.
"Thank you?" Gwen muttered in utter shock as she thought 'what the fuck?'
Gwen realized - after overhearing conversations where some people talked about her - that people seemed to think she did all of this for someone else.
Last week at school, she even heard someone say: "why would she want to be that skinny? I've never known a guy that was attracted to that."
Luckily someone else said to them: "You idiot, her best friend died. She's still grieving, not trying to impress some asshat."
Seriously, was that what people thought about her? That she was trying to do this for someone else? That she wanted to be prettier this way and impress a guy?
Gwen only rolled her eyes at them and walked away, because none of these idiots were worth Gwen wasting her last bit of energy for. Maybe she should walk away right now, too. The only reason why she was at the park to begin with was to avoid home. It no longer felt like a home, instead she had a tight feeling in her chest every time she was there.
The tension between her and her dad was worse, mostly a dark, grey cloud looming over them. He tried everything to get her to talk, to get her to open up. She would reject any attempt of having a conversation, then feel bad about it and hate herself even more for doing that to him. Gwen just wanted to escape, and with each escape she just wanted to run away more. But was there even a place left for her to find solitude?
Gwen petted the cat one last time and said: "bye kitty."
She got up, immediately feeling pain in her legs and feet. However, she didn't care, she just continued walking, hoping to get away from the burning stares. But suddenly, the pain in her legs was unbearably painful, and Gwen could no longer even walk.
"Oh God," Gwen said through gritted teeth and leaned against a tree as she crouched down and held her calves in her hands.
The pain was too strong to simply ignore it. It was reminiscent of the pain on the side of her body she would sleep on. But unlike that pain, she didn't know what to do with this one.
It felt like a truck was repeatedly driving over her legs, as if someone was trying to rip them apart and she just wanted it to stop. Oh God, she wanted to cry like a child wanting their parents to take the pain away with a kiss. This was one of the most painful things she had ever felt, and eventually a tear was rolling down her face.
"Miss, are you okay?" a young voice asked out of nowhere.
Gwen couldn't answer, still trying to breathe through the pain. But she swiftly wiped the single tear away, slowly looked up and saw two boys that didn't look older than eleven years old staring down at her in wonder and concern.
"I'm... I'm fine," Gwen tried reassuring them, but to no avail. She looked like an athlete who was holding their broken legs after an accident.
"My mom is a doctor. I can call her if you need help," the kid with dark hair offered.
"No, no, no. I'm fine, really. It's... growing pain?" Gwen said and flinched at the bad lie.
Gwen was a good liar when she was well prepared. She was certainly not ready for the pain in her legs to get this horrifying and thus, she hadn't made up a proper lie yet.
"Are you sure?" The other kid asked, who had brown eyes that were similar to that of a teddy bear.
"Really, I just need to go home and take a pain killer," Gwen said with a tight smile.
But the two boys obviously didn't believe her as they shared looks of doubt. When Gwen tried getting up, she nearly fell back down as the weight caused another wave of pain in her legs and the two boys swiftly caught her by her arms.
'This is shameful,' Gwen thought. The fact that Gwen needed little kids to help her was shameful. Spider-Woman needing help from kids to simply stand on her feet? Embarrassing.
"Thanks kids, but I should be going now," Gwen said through gritted teeth as she tried to handle the pain.
She ruffled their hair with her hands, smiled at them for reassurance and started going her way back home.
'Go home, take a pain killer and then go to bed' Gwen told herself. A simple job indeed, if she were actually able to properly walk.
Gwen genuinely felt like crying and thought of maybe swinging home. Just relieving her legs from the excruciating pain. But as of lately swinging hurt her arms, and it was close to the pain she felt in her legs, thus patrolling got more and more difficult as well, and it got to the point she found joy in having to fight no criminals.
It felt like forever, and the moment Gwen witnessed their apartment building with her blurry eyes, she nearly cried out of joy.
'Almost there, Gwen. You did it,' Gwen told herself, proud that she finally made it home.
But the struggle didn't end there as she still had to walk up the stairs to their apartment floor, the third floor. A few months ago the elevator stopped working, and still nobody had fixed it yet. Gwen nearly let herself drop to the ground by the thought of walking up those stairs, exhausted beyond comprehension.
But then another thought came to mind: 'walking up those stairs could help burning off those calories.'
It wasn't like Gwen had eaten much to begin with. She had walked past a grocery store and saw a salad bowl. It was just too tempting and her hunger was clouding her mind, so Gwen bought it, sat down and ate it. But hey, salads were healthy, right?
It didn't matter how healthy and how little calories her meal had though, because once she finished eating it she still felt an immense amount of guilt. She should NOT have eaten this at all, but Gwen just couldn't help it, she had been so hungry.
And now as Gwen took a deep breath, sucked it all up and walked up the stairs while gripping the handle grip tightly, she hoped that it could help burning off her salad. It was certainly motivation enough, because suddenly the pain in her legs felt like heaven, and reaching their apartment would feel like a huge accomplishment.
But before Gwen could feel proud of herself for actually walking up all those stairs, she held onto the doorknob of their apartment and fell onto her knees.
"Oh shit, shit, shit," Gwen choked out.
Gwen lost feeling in her legs and it was as if a million needles were poking them. Her legs were numb and even as she tried standing up, she nearly fell back down if it weren't for the doorknob she was holding onto.
She took out her keys from the pocket of her sweatshirt, opened the door after struggling a bit with her shaky hands and then walked inside, immediately going towards the cupboard with all the medication. It was most likely some type of a placebo effect, but she instantly felt the pain fading.
Gwen looked around and realized that her dad wasn't home. Today was his day off so he was probably out, if solely because this home was barely livable any longer. There was just a bad energy all around that made both of them spend as much time literally anywhere else as possible. It hurt. It hurt so freaking badly, but she couldn't, or more specifically didn't know how to fix this.
Gwen took a moment to calm down, drank a whole water bottle to not feel as hungry - though that never really helped, Gwen liked to believe that it did - prepared a heating pad, and walked back inside her room. It was still daylight outside, but Gwen had nothing else to do for the day so she already got changed into her pajamas and crawled underneath her blanket, cuddling with the heating pad and her old teddy bear she had gotten from her mother. Her crime alert app would notify her anyway should anything be happening.
The sun was shining through the window, illuminating her room, but Gwen still felt a cloud glooming over her. There was a dark, grey cloud following her all around and never leaving its spot from above her. The cloud kept birds from singing, the sun from warming her up and the sunshine from lightening up her world. It was all just so dark and cold.
Gwen thought of the leg pain and how she could barely hold herself up, how her head felt so heavy and foggy that she could barely think clearly anymore, how her sleep was anything but restful, and how her period stopped coming. Everything just hurt, even though Gwen just wanted to do good.
She remembered the kids at the park catching her before she fell into the ground and how that was just embarrassing. Yes, Spider-Woman needed help from little children to keep her on her feet. How embarrassing, and shameful, and disgraceful, but also unusual.
Gwen had held up vehicles with her bare hands before, could easily lift up grown men with one hand, but now she could barely stand on her feet any longer.
All right, Gwen could make the excuse that she had been overworking herself as Spider-Woman and needed to be a bit more careful. But in reality, it was the opposite. Not a lot of crime had been happening as of lately, apart from minor ones here and there, but she was definitely not overworking herself.
She wanted to deny it, Gwen really did, but suddenly the thought flashed in her mind.
'This is not normal.'
Or maybe it was? But no, Gwen could now admit that it wasn't. She had been physically weak before after some very intense missions and what not, but never this bad. Never to the point that walking hurt like hell. Never to the point that her head started leaning towards the side from feeling too heavy to keep it up straight.
And maybe, just maybe, Gwen might finally recognize that this was all happening because of her self destructive behavior and non existing eating habits. She wasn't a fool, she knew that this was not normal behavior, but it felt like something she deserved.
'Do I actually deserve it though?' Gwen asked herself.
Sure, things can happen between friends. Betrayal, arguing and reconciliation. And home life was neither wonderful nor perfect for even the greatest families. Not even the best people at their jobs were 100% up in their best game. It was all part of life.
'But not everybody kills their best friend,' said a voice in her head.
No, but it was an accident and she would have never done that if she had known that it was her Peter all along. She would have held herself back had she known that it could end fatally, hell even if it were just some random villain on the other side.
Still, Gwen thought and felt like she didn't deserve the great things in life, because her mistakes and sins were not minor. Her actions had big consequences, costing the life of a friend and nearly costing the one of another.
But did it have to go that far that she barely felt human anymore? That she felt so much physical pain that her mind could barely think of anything else? No. No, it didn't. And as Gwen was laying in her bed and staring at her bony fingers, she realized and finally admitted to herself for the first time that she might actually have a problem.
*
It was late in the evening, when Gwen heard the front door of their apartment opening. Her dad, Gwen thought and it was confirmed by his voice.
"Gwen, are you home?" She heard him ask as his steps got louder.
Gwen immediately put her phone down on her nightstand, closed her eyes and pretended to sleep. She couldn't talk to him, if that was what he wanted. So pretending to sleep was the better option.
The door to her room slowly opened, her father silently walking inside. He didn't say anything, probably because he realized that she was 'asleep', but still he walked closer to her bedside.
Suddenly Gwen felt a light kiss at the top of her head and her dad's rough hand going through her hair. He whispered "good night, Gwen" and then walked out of her room.
Gwen's eyes bursted open, feeling her heart racing and her breathing picking up. Why on earth would he still come to her room and do this after all the shit she put him through? He shouldn't be doing this, shouldn't be comforting her, shouldn't be wishing her a good night, shouldn't be this nice to her when she had been so mean to him.
But now Gwen realized how much she missed this and how much she craved this kind of comfort. She didn't want him to stop, and was almost ready to jump off of her bed, run up to him and beg him to continue. It was as if her heart was bleeding and it momentarily just stopped with his actions. Jesus, was she really *that* touch starved?
Gwen sat up on her bed, thinking and contemplating. She wanted and needed his comfort so badly right now, but with the way she had been treating him, she didn't think she should have that comfort. So Gwen deflated and slowly lied back down onto her bed.
Her heart was bleeding, wasn't it? It genuinely felt like there was a big, empty hole in heart and it only ever grew bigger with all the isolation and loneliness. Gwen used to think that people were exaggerating when they talked about heartbreak actually feeling like their heart was breaking, but now she knew that this was true. She felt chest pain whenever she thought of her friends, and during some occasions it felt like a knife poking her heart. People were only ever telling her the truth.
Suddenly her phone vibrated on her nightstand, and Gwen's eyes widened. This was the first time in what felt like forever that somebody texted her. Why would anybody text her right now in the middle of the night anyway?
She grabbed her phone and stopped breathing when she saw who the message was from.
Miles.
She opened her phone and read his message immediately, a bit too eagerly after seeing his name pop up.
'Hey Gwen, I have no idea if you're gonna read this message, but I guess it's at least worth the try.
I miss you. I miss you so much that I can't stop thinking about you. And I can't stop worrying either. I have no idea what you're going through honestly. I wish I did but no matter how hard I try I keep hitting dead ends. But I wanna be there for you and I wanna help you as much as I can, even if that means the only thing I can do is being your shoulder to cry on. I'm ready to do anything for you if only you let me cause I don't want you to go through this alone.
I'm here for you and I will always be here for you, Gwen.'
It took a moment for Gwen to take in his words, and she reread his message several times.
Gwen's heart broke and melted at the message at the same time. God, Miles, how much she missed him. If only he didn't worry about her. He shouldn't have to worry about her, she was just not worth it. Miles should put all that care to someone who deserved it.
But those words, they were all her heart had been wanting to hear in such a long time. Her heart was singing and telling her to go all in, to accept his help so the hole could finally start closing even if she was not deserving of them.
She hadn't seen him and all the other Spider-People in such a long time. She stopped replying to their texts, private chats and group chats, stopped going on missions with them and declined every offer for a hangout. Eventually, they stopped texting in the group chats, too, nobody able to bear Gwen's obvious distancing.
But she wanted to see Miles, hang out and talk to him, because all of that, simply his company alone was like therapy for her. But at the same time, her company was doing the opposite to him, contaminating him with her ever growing darkness. He deserved so much better. Miles deserved the world, and Gwen couldn't give that to him.
She knew she shouldn't text him, give him the space and freedom that he should have, but she couldn't help herself, the longing was just too intense, her heart was taking over her mind, and thus she texted him back.
Gwen: I'm sorry
She had a million things to apologize for. Her worrying and hurting him was one of them.
He immediately texted her back.
Miles: don't be
Miles: it's okay Gwen
Gwen shook her head at that.
Gwen: but it's not
It really was not, and she didn't understand why he thought it was. Why wouldn't he understand? Why wouldn't he just get it? What did she have to do in order for him to understand?
Gwen: Its just not worth it Miles
Miles: it's worth it if it concerns you Gwen
Miles: if it wasn't I wouldn't be texting you right now
Gwen tightly clutched her phone, clinched her eyes shut and tried recollecting her breath. He wouldn't understand what his words did with her. They mended her heart and broke it at the same time. She opened her eyes once she felt her phone vibrating within her hold.
Miles: can I call you?
Miles: we don't have to if you don't want to
But Gwen wanted to. She wanted to hear his voice, hear him laugh and talk about his day at school, patrolling, his art, his parents, Ganke. She wanted to tell him about everything, just to get some relief from the pressure on her shoulders. She wanted to tell him about how she was sure that she had a problem.
Gwen wanted to hear his comforting words, because somehow, Miles always had the right words to say to her. But she shouldn't, no matter how much it was tearing her apart.
Gwen: maybe another time
Gwen closed her phone, put it back on her nightstand and groaned.
Miles was not any different from her father. They both showered her with too much care and attention while she pushed them away, and yet neither ever felt like giving up, On one hand it bothered her that neither received the message of leaving her alone. But on the other hand she felt like crying that there were still people who cared about her enough to want to see her doing well.
The fact that Miles was up late in the evening and thinking about her to the point he felt the need to text her meant so much to her. His thoughtfulness alone sewed her heart back together.
Gwen now knew that she had a problem, genuinely a huge problem. She still thought she wasn't worth shit, but somehow, something in her mind clicked and she realized that this was maybe not the way things should've been handled.
But she didn't know how to stop all of this. She was so deep into it that it felt like a second home, like a friend guiding her through life, even if that friend tried to ruin you. It just made her feel so good that the idea of giving all of this up felt ridiculous. Who would Gwen be if she didn't have this one aspect in her life that she could control?
Then she thought of Miles and how much she missed him. How much she just wanted to see him and see him smile again, because seeing him smile always made her smile and she hadn't smiled a genuine, happy smile in such a long time.
She knew if she picked up her phone and asked Miles for a phone call , he would immediately call her, let her pour her heart out, listen to every word she said and maybe even come over to see her personally. Gwen knew Miles too well. He was someone who cared and loved too hard and too much.
He would be here by her side after dropping everything and do everything in order to help her even if he shouldn't do that. She needed to quit this self destructive behavior immediately, but she didn't want to put that burden on anyone. Not on her friends, not on Miles, and not on her dad.
Gwen needed to do this on her own, again. Last time, it all went down burning, but the last time she tried she didn't see the fact that she had a problem, that what she had been doing was actually wrong. But now she did and maybe this time she could do it and give it up.
Gwen needed to give this all up.
*
Her grilled cheese toast was staring at her and causing her to feel sick to her stomach.
She knew she should get better and stop but that didn't mean that that was what she truly wanted. Gwen found pleasure in the pain as messed up as that might sound. But it was the motivation of getting to see her friends, getting to see Miles that made her want to start eating again. That didn't mean that she enjoyed it though.
But this morning after she woke up, she took out the Polaroid of Miles and herself and thought that she wanted this again. She wanted this so badly she only hopes that she could stick to it.
So Gwen sighed, picked up her toast and muttered: " Here goes nothing."
The toast tasted... nice. The cheese melted in her mouth and the crunch was just perfect. compared to how it was the first time she tried stopping all this, she was doing pretty good, at least she didn't feel like she was going to have a heart attack. But she didn't feel all that great either. Gwen felt like she could vomit it all out again from feeling sick.
It also didn't help that current circumstances were just so depressing. Today it was raining, making it just as dark and gloomy as she had been feeling lately, and her father wasn't home either, making eating lonely less enjoyable. Last time might have been like shit, but at least then she had her dad keeping her company and the weather was a lot better, too.
What a lovely Sunday morning.
She could barely enjoy her toast at all, even though it was quite nice. Maybe it was because her mind was cloudy or because she somehow saw no reason in trying to get better, but something held her back from enjoying herself.
Or maybe it was because her heart was hungrier than her stomach. But she couldn't fill her heart before she started eating again. She couldn't hang out with her friends until she somehow got better. She didn't want to burden them with her recklessness.
But as she sat here, ate her toast and looked out of the window staring at the bustling street while it was raining, she wondered if any of this was seriously worth it. Somehow nothing felt like it was worth anything anymore. Most of her time that was not spent at school or patrolling was either spent escaping her home or hiding under her covers.
Gwen didn't notice it at first, but when she looked down and saw water drops on the table she realized that she was crying, another thing that had been going on lately. Gwen would randomly burst into tears at random moments, and most of the time for no reason either. It happened mainly when she felt a sudden pang in her heart, and the tears appeared.
It happened when she would listen to music, walk around, and once it even happened during classes, and Gwen was lucky that nobody had noticed it.
"Stop it, Gwen!" Gwen said to herself while she furiously wiped her her tears away after swallowing down her food. "Get yourself together, goddamnit!"
But the tears just wouldn't stop coming. Not even as a child had Gwen been this emotional, but now she just couldn't hold herself back.
Gwen just continued eating, and once she had finally finished her toast she felt absolutely nothing. She should be feeling proud of herself, for trying to get better, for finishing her breakfast, but she was void of any emotion. In fact, she just felt disgusting and tried keeping her food down.
Was she supposed to keep on going like this? Because it didn't really seem like something that was going to make her feel better. It made her feel more like garbage than before.
But she wanted to see her friends, she just wanted to see Miles again. She needed to stop this all, because despite everything, Gwen knew that this was not okay. All right, Gwen knew that this was not okay, but somehow she couldn't get herself to fully care about that, even though she knew she should.
*
Gwen clutched her phone with her right hand while she held the Polaroid picture with her other one. She was ready. Gwen was ready to text Miles and ask for his help. Maybe the haziness in her head fully got to her, clouding the part of her brain responsible for logical thinking, but it was an idea coming from her heart.
Her note app was opened - because of the fear of accidentally sending a message to him that she didn't want to send - and she started writing as she was also eyeing the picture.
Gwen had no idea how long she had been writing, but she wanted it to be perfect, honest and not too forward.
'Dear Miles-' nah, delete.
'Hey Miles, yesterday I told you to call me another time and I thought that today might be the day-' if Gwen could throw a text message into the trash then this could be the one.
And that was how it continued for probably an hour. Gwen would start writing, hate it and then delete it again. And it continued for around an hour. It was probably obsessive, but Miles deserved the best message, if that was the least she could do, especially after what he had sent her last night.
Gwen took a deep breath and started writing another message. This time however she was pleased with her words and reread it one last time to make sure it was perfect.
'Miles, I really don't know where to start. I just want to apologize first for hurting and worrying you. I could apologize to you for a million times if I ever get the opportunity for it. You would say that I shouldn't be apologizing, but it feels like something I should be doing.
Things have been going down and it might sound ridiculous coming from me this late, but I think I messed up really badly. I need help. I don't know how, I don't know what to do, but I know that I need help. I didn't want to tell you first because I didn't want to put that pressure on you, but you're my best friend and I need you.
I don't think you could do much to begin with, but I just really need to see you.
I miss you, too, Miles, and I could really use your shoulder to cry on because that's honestly all that I've been wishing for.'
The message seemed complete. It wasn't necessarily perfect but she wrote everything she had been wanting and was able to say to him without being too straight forward. Gwen copied the note, opened up the messenger app, clicked onto their private chat and pasted it. But suddenly her finger halted, hovering over the sending button.
'Should I really do this?' Gwen thought.
He said he'd be there for her, even if that meant that he'd only stand by her side and let her cry. It wasn't like he was going to turn into her psychologist, and she was sure that not even Miles was naive enough to believe that. But she knew that he would push himself over his limit and do everything in his powers to help her, which should be a good thing but it just didn't feel right to Gwen.
"Maybe?" Gwen muttered.
Maybe she should send this message and get over with it. Or maybe she should spare Miles from that burden and be strong herself for once.
And after sorting out the battle in her head, Gwen's finger stopped hovering over the sending button and instead deleted the message and then closed her phone.
She needed to be strong for once.
*
Gwen would had liked to say that she was strong, that she pushed through her obsessive need for hunger and control and finally started eating like a normal person again.
But what was strength anyway? Gwen was already too far gone, with her mind fully convinced that each skipped meals gave her power. And this time it didn't even last two days until Gwen could no longer handle it anymore and started skipping meals again.
She knew that it was wrong, but she just couldn't stop it. Gwen just wanted to be good.