Chapter 11
Tony had just been chilling in his kitchen and been making a Nutella Bread, y’know as one did. He’d invented a portable Washing machine a few hours ago, so Just a typical 3 a.m. too.
What was definitely NOT typical was Loki appearing through the floor like-like some eldritch horror.
BUT, Tony did not screech even when that happened. Nu-uh, no! The reason Loki was laying on the floor shaking was definitely not because he was laughing his ass off after Tony had screeched, nu-uh, nope! Loki was just that kind of a weirdo that he would lay on the floor shaking for no reason!!
Five awkward Minutes later, Loki was back to standing, having finally calmed down from his completelyrandom and unreasonable laughing fit.
“Okay, right, so, why are you here?”, Tony asked, a lot less suspicious than he probably should be. But, really, it was a bit hard to see Loki as a threat when the guy had just almost died from laughing to hard at nothing.
“Yes, my apologies. I came here to inform you of something.”, Loki said. Tony waited for him to continue, but Loki stayed silent.
“Yes??”,
“Okay, so, I’m here to warn you that cat’s are actually” he then proceeded to make a clicking noise that was beyond human comprehension.
Tony blinked.
“…What?”
“Cat’s have turned out to actually be” clicking sound.
“…Cat’s are what?”
“They’re”clicking sound.
“…Right.”
“What, do you not believe me?”, Loki asked and- oh my god he just pouted. Oh my god, the evil alien that tried to kill him was pouting.
“No, no, I believe you! I just can’t really understand that last…word.”
“Oh, you mean” clicking sounds?
“Yes that. Is there an English Version?”
“Yes” clicking noises “is English.”
“It’s definitely not.”
“Yes it is.”
“No, I don’t have the slightest Idea what that is-”
“Easy, it’s” clicking sound. This time it sounded more aggressive. Or annoyed. Or sad? The clicking sounds were hard to figure out.
“No, no that’s not- okay, you know what? It’s English, you’re right.” Tony felt like he just lost to a toddler. The fact that Loki brightened up only added to that image.
“It’s pronounced” clicking sounds “, right?”
“No, it’s more of a” clicking sounds.
“Hmmm,” clicking sounds? Yeah that sounded similar!
“NO! I SWEAR TO ALL THAT’S GOOD AND HOLY, DO NOT REPEAT THAT!!”, came the horrified screech from Loki, who was looking at him as if he was a toddler that repeated a swear word. Which actually might be correct.
“What did I say?”
“NOTHING. Now, repeat. It’s pronounced” clicking sounds.
Clicking sounds, Tony tried.
“No, that’s not it. Okay, it’s spelled” clock click click click clock clack click. “Now just say that fast.”
“Uh” Clockclickckickclickclockclackclick?
“No, say it as one fast word- like this!” Clicking sounds. Aahh, now it made sense!
Clicking sounds!, Tony repeated confidently.
“Yes, that’s it!”, Loki said, looking like a proud mother.
“Fucking finally. So, just to be sure, it’s” clicking sounds.
“Yes. You basically just tell that to the Cat and it will reveal it’s true form. Of course not all Cat’s are” slightly different clicking sounds. “Some are just normal cats, but as an example, the cat of Shield’s Director is a” clicking sounds.
“Okay, I’ll say” clicking sounds “to the cat then, thanks.”
“You’re welcome. Now, if you excuse me, I have to spread the word of the” clicking sounds “invasion.”
With those words, Loki slid back into the floor like the Eldritch Horror he probably was.
-
“Okay, this is gonna sound weird, but I have to speak to your cat.”,
“Right. You want to talk to Goose.”
“Goose? Damn, it’s even got a name…”
“What?”
“Nevermind, just hand me the”clicking sou-“ I mean Cat please!”
“…Right.”, Fury said, but that was about it and soon he had the cat in his hands.
“Okay. Puh, if this doesn’t work I’m gonna kill him.”
“If What doesn’t work and kill who?”
“No matter. Okay, Goose.” clicking sounds.
Tony had not time to react before the cat’s mouth opened to revel an eldritch being and he was dead.
Fury stared at what was left (a shoe) of Stark unamused. How was he gonna explain this to the council…
Wait, if Stark went missing…
And that was how it came to be that Fury and Goose we’re the cause of the biggest mystery of the century.
***
“He did what?!”
“He brought over an alien looking like some purple raison or something, pushed him into an volcano while singing the Rickroll.”, Fury repeated, sounding completely bewildered himself.
“HOW DID HE EVEN GET OUT OF PRISON?! HE’S SUPPOSED TO BE IN PRISON!!”
“Yes, I am aware.”
“Then why is hE NOT IN PRISON?!”
“Thor reported that the escaped because of a croissant-“
“He what??”
“Apparently, in the words of the guard watching, ‘The second Prince walked into the barriers of the cell but instead of dying he was turned into a croissant and then glitched out of reality like he never existed at all and our life was just a video game’, whatever the fuck that means.”
“What the fuck.”, he whispered.
***
“Okay, but, why are you here?”, Coulson tried. The man at the other side of the table just smiled.
“Because I have to be.”
“Yes, we’ve been over this, but why do you have to be here?”, Coulson asked, exasperated.
“Because it’s written like that, I’ve told you.”
“Written- you keep telling me it’s written. Written how?”
“Simple! It’s written in Destiny that I, Loki of Asgard, come to Earth in 2012 and try to take over the world with an Alien Army.”, the man cheerily explained. Coulson just rubbed his temple.
“Yes, you said that. But who ‘wrote Destiny.’ And how does that even work?”
“What do you want me to say, Jesus? I can’t exactly tell you because if you know about their existence they will come get you.”
“Who will come get us? And why can you know?”
“Can’t tell you that, but I can know because I do every time and they can’t stop me from it anyways, and they’ve grown tired of picking me up.”
“Then why are you here.”
“Because I’m meant to be- Are you stupid this is the third time I told you that!”
“my question was meant like, why are you here, in this room, instead of doing your Invasion.”
“Because I was bored.”
“You were bored of your Invasion.”, it was said as a statement.
“Not of the Invasion in particular, but technically, yeah.”
“Then what we’re you bored of?”
“Existing.”, the man said, fully serious.
“…ah. Please excuse if this seems insensitive, but if you’re tired of existing, why don’t you, erm you know, kill yourself.”
“Because I can’t die.”, he deadpanned. “It’s really annoying.”
“Oh.”
“Yup.”
“Oh.”
***
(TW for suicide)
It was moments like these in which Loki regretted every decision he ever made in his life and wished to disappear into a black hole and die.
It wasn’t bad, per se- well it kinda was, but it more was utterly embarrassing.
It had started when he had fucked up his plan for this loop, that being to tie together all the Avengers with a rope and make them fight some stuff while in that state. It was gonna be fun and easy to do, perfect for, as he noticed immediately when he looped back, a short loop of only a week, which didn’t leave much time for planning anything elaborate.
Then, he fucked up the first step of the plan and may or may not had accidentally leaked his current hideout.
Really, no big problem, he’d just kill himself before they arrived, the loop was gonna be ending in a few days anyways.
Then he’d fucked up that part of his new plan.
How, you may ask, did he fuck up killing himself? Simple, really, he had planned to cut open his wrists, as that was the fastest he could do, always having dozens of daggers on him.
Well, the Avengers, plus a bunch of Shield Agents, had arrived far faster than he’d thought they would, effectively interrupting his ‘suicide’ by blasting through his fucking walls.
Rude, really. Like, what did the walls do?!
Anyways, he ended up cutting himself wrong, panicked and used a magic shockwave to defend himself- which ended with the whole building buried, and him and Stark stuck under the rubble.
Would normally not be a problem, as it was very easy to manipulate Stark into killing him.
What was a problem was that they had walked into his attempted ‘suicide’, which really shouldn’t even count as one because he would come back but whatever. Point was, it made it sufficiently harder to convince Stark to kill him.
“But this is the perfect chance! Don’t you want to use it?”, Loki was saying.
Stark looked at him with a mixture of pity, concern, fear and suspicion. Loki hadn’t even been aware it was possible to show this many emotions in one face.
“No! for the last time, I’m not going to fucking kill you!”
“But don’t you want to get rid of me-”
“Yes, but not like that!”
“Come on, you just gotta shoot one time.”, Loki tried. “You can even tell everyone I died from rubble! Or that it was self-defence! No one’ll have to find out.”
“No.”
“Please?”
“No.”
“Think logically, What if I want you to not kill me so I act like I want you to so I can manipulate you into not doing it? Then you’d feel bad about not killing me for the rest of your life! ”
“Still no.”
“I hate you.”, Loki huffed, pouting.
“Same.”, was all Stark said with a shrug.
“I really hate you.”, Loki tried.
“Yeah, me too.”
It was then that Loki realised he still had some knifes in his pocket dimension. Carefully, he turned away a bit, so that he could summon a dagger into one of his hands.
Okay, that worked. Now, he carefully winded the knife, making sure it wasn’t scratching the stone, and moved it’s blade to his wrist.
Okay, now he just had to-
Stark’s hand pulled the dagger away from his wrist. Loki pouted.
“I despise you.”
”The feelings mutual. So you wanna talk?”
Loki hesitated, then he mumbled out a…
”Maybe…”
***
(Translation in Chapter Notes!)
The Avengers had been having a wonderful and normal day at their tower. Keyword being had.
Their wonderful day was ruined by one Loki crashing through the ceiling with a loud vrumm. There was dust everywhere, and When it finally settled, the Avengers we’re all pointing their weapons at the Intruder.
Loki paid them no mind and instead faced the Sky visible through the big hole in the ceiling. Tony was already having Jarvis alert the building company.
“Was sollte das denn?!”, Loki shouted at the sky- and, was that, was that german?
What was however more surprising than their enemy speaking a language from this planet that wasn’t English, was that the Sky answered. The sky answered Loki. The fucking sky talked.
“This shall be your punishment.”, it said. Loki huffed.
“Wie Thor vor ein par Jahren? Sterblich auf Midgard sein?”, he asked- was that a question? He thinks it is, but how would he know?! Jarvis can’t translate it for some reason!
“Indeed. It has done your brother wonders, maybe it will also cure your darkened mind.” Why did the sky sound as if it was talking about a mental hospital. That really sounded like it was talking about a mental hospital.
“Dir…Dir ist schon klar das Thor sich verändert hat weil er sich verliebt hat? Das wird mir nicht passieren, das weißt du.”
“We shall see.”
“Nein, Ich mein das ernst, wird mir nicht passieren.”, Loki said, sounding vaguely annoyed. “Wir sind hier nicht in nem fucking Anime.”
The sky didn’t answer.
“Oh, nein, du antwortest mir gefällig!”
The sky ignored him again.
“Okay, ignorier mich halt, Arschloch.”, Loki said and- holy shit he gave the Sky a middle finger. Then, he turned to the assembled Avengers and raised an eyebrow.
“Was.” That sounded like what? Yeah, probably a what.
“Why don’t you talk in english again, Reindeer Games?”, Tony said, trying not to make it obvious that he didn’t understand a single thing Loki just said. Natasha probably did, but that was besides the point.
“Nein, Ich mag Deutsch.”
…
What?
Tony turned to Natasha.
“Nat, you know german, don’t you? That shit is german, right?”
“It is.” Natasha confirmed. “I know that, but when I try to translate it in my head…nothing.”
“What.”
“Same here.” Cap said. “I know a bit of german, and that is definitely german, but I can’t understand it.”
“Magie!”, Loki said, opening his arms like that one SpongeBob meme with the rainbow. There was even the same rainbow and glitter effect. And there was the word ‘magie’, which looked suspiciously like magic.
Great. Fucking Magic.
Tony hated Magic.
“This is…”
“Toll, oder? Ich könnte alles sagen was ich möchte und ihr würdet nichts verstehen. Garnichts.”
“What is he saying?”, Tony whispered. “Anyone has an Idea?”
“I have no clue.”, Bruce said, who had came out from behind the bar, where he had been ready to transform into Hulk if needed.
“Oohh, das wird super.”
***
“Kneel before your Queen.”
Thor glanced at Loki carefully- norns knew that Loki wouldn’t take that good. At first his brother just looked bewildered- then he blinked, seemed disoriented for a moment, before his face went completely blank.
“I beg your fucking pardon?”, is what he said- and it was said with such fury that Thor carefully took a step back, and then another few, just to be sure.
“You may be the rightful Queen of Asgard, but that does not give you the right to do anything, Sister.”, he then went on to explain, ignoring the exclamations of shock both Thor and- their sister?? Let out.
“How do you remember me?”, their, apparently, sister asked, sounding completely bewildered.
“Unimportant. More important- have you ever heard of chocolate?”, Loki asked, a unholy gleam in his eyes. Thor just stared in complete confusion.
“No. What is this… choco-late, you speak of?”
“Only the best thing in the Universe.”, Loki answered, stepping forward to her. “You have to try it!”
“I uh,”, their sister stammered, obviously very unsure on what to answer. “…Sure?”
“Great!”, Loki beams- Loki, his dark younger brother with an ‘come near me and I’ll kill you’ energy, his brother who was established mad of mind, beamed at their sister when she agreed to try chocolate.
Chocolate.
Strawberries we’re so much better and definitely the best thing in the Universe! He could not stand for this misinformation.
“Actually, have you tried Strawberries before?”, Thor piped up innocently. “They’re little red berries who taste heavenly and are far better than Chocolate.”, he said the last part with a glare at his brother.
“No! Strawberries are disgusting!”, Loki countered. “They taste so, bleugh! And look even worse! Trust me, sister, Chocolate is so much better!”
“Oh no no no, I will not stand for this slander! Strawberries are beautiful and delicious with their red colour and their unmatched taste- meanwhile chocolate is brown and far to sweet!”
“How dare you! Chocolate is the best! Who would want to eat fruits that fucking bright?!”
“I and nearly every on Earth! And they’re not bright, you’re just allergic to anything that isn’t completely dull in colour!”
“DULL COLOURS ARE THE BEST!”, Loki screeched.
“NO! BRIGHT AND ATTENTION-ATTRACTING COLOURS ARE SO MUCH BETTER!! ONLY A COWARD WHO WANTS TO HIDE WOULD PREFER DULL COLOURS OVER BRIGHT ONES!!”
“YOU’RE THE COWARD! IMAGINE HAVING TO USE BRIGHT COLOURS SO PEOPLE NOTICE YOU, THAT’S PATHETIC!”
“AT LEAST PEOPLE NOTICE ME AT ALL!”
“OF FUCK YOU YOU ASSHOLE OF A-“
“STOP!”, Hela interrupted. Both Thor and Loki turned to her so fast that their necks cracked- both glaring at her.
“What.”, they demanded in union, then turned to each other and glared.
“How about I just try both of it and we’ll see what’s better.”
“Okay!”, Loki beams.
Hela then and there decided that war was overrated and that she would rather spend the rest of her days trying to get her little brother to beam at her like that every day cause damn that was adorable.
“Fine…”, Thor muttered.
Yes, Hela decided, this was far better than war.
Hela ended up liking neither chocolate nor Strawberries, but instead gummy worms.
***
“Mobius!”, Loki exclaimed as soon as he laid eyes on the agent. Said Agent froze in place when he heard the man. “There you are! I’ve been searching for you the whole loop!”
Slowly, he turned around, plastering a smile faker than Odin’s many many lies on his face.
“L-Loki! Hey! How’s it going?”, he asked, cheery tone of voice very forced, as Loki had found him after all. And when he’d finally managed to escape the other!
“Eh, as great as things can be when you’re stuck in a time loop. How about you, M&M?”
“Please don’t call me that.”, Mobius said weakly, but he knew it was a lost argument. Loki nicknamed everyone and was not very keen on changing the nickname if he liked it.
And of course Mobius’s Nickname was one of his favourites.
“I do what I want!”, the variant said lightly. Mobius sighed and finally looked the other in the eyes. The green eyes that looked so full of life and devoid of it at the same time.
“What do you want?”, he asked, already exasperated.
“To hang out with you, of course!”
This again. Mobius had no Idea why- but Loki seemed kind off obsessed with him. Not in a necessarily bad way- he was just very very clingy and did not leave him alone for even a minute when he once again got picked up by the TVA accidentally.
Mobius didn’t dislike spending time with this particular variant of Loki- he was very fun and a nice person to be around, but he needed time to work and for himself too.
So, he had started to avoid Loki at all costs- not always of course, but enough that he could get work done.
Loki himself either didn’t realise it or didn’t care.
And it wasn’t even only him- Judge Renslayer, a hunter called B-14, some desk-worker called Casey- Loki seemed to enjoy talking to all of them far to much. It had started out like that with everyone- Loki seemed to enjoy talking to random people a lot- but he quickly lost interest in anyone that wasn’t listened.
While B-14 had openly told Loki to leave her alone at the start, the two now have a kind of friendship? B-14 did like spending time with Loki now, but still openly told him when she needed to get work done or wasn’t in the mood.
Renslayer was just straight up annoyed by him, but Loki simply ignored her complains and kept talking to her all the time. To anyone else it seemed like Loki just being Loki like with everyone else- but if you actually knew him a bit better, something became very obvious.
Loki hated Renslayer with every piece of DNA of his being and was purposely annoying her while pretending for it to be his usual attitude.
Not that anyone who realised mentioned it.
He didn’t know much about the Casey guy at all, only a bit from what Loki told him, but he and Loki seemed to get along great. Apparently, Casey had wanted someone to talk to for a while, and Loki was perfect for that.
Anyways, Mobius was busy right now. Very busy actually, but he didn’t have the heart to tell Loki that- the man was unfairly adorable sometimes. He was sure Loki wouldn’t mind if he said no- but Mobius just…never said no.
So, he smiled, softly, and agreed.