“Welcome to the Late Night Show, my name is Betty Brant, and tonight’s interview will be a bit of a departure from my usual style. You see, this particular guest and I go way back, and by that I mean we went to everything from high school to daycare together. So tell me, Peter Parker, why exactly did I have to hear that you’re dating Tony Stark, also here tonight, from Twitter?”
Betty Brant, a relatively new host on the Late Night Show, is sitting behind a desk facing the audience. Her guest sits sheepishly on a couch looking vaguely like a kid with his hand stuck in a cookie jar. Beside him sits Tony Stark in all his glory, surprisingly looking more amused than offended by his introduction.
“Heyyy, Betty,” Peter replies. “If it makes you feel better, MJ, Flash, and Harry also found out via Twitter.”
Betty eyed him skeptically for a second. “Seriously? You let MJ find out over Twitter?”
Peter nodded. “She called from Cali just to rip me a new one.”
“What about Harry?” Betty asked, leaning forward for the tea.
“Isn’t speaking to me for a minimum of three months for ‘cheating on him’ with other billionaires.”
“Billionaires implies multiple,” Tony spoke up suddenly, teasingly.
“Tony, who gave you my number?”
“Oh, right.” Tony shrugged. “That was a wild time for me, I honestly forgot a lot from back then.”
“Fair enough, I guess.”
“Wait, wait, wait,” Betty asked, “Who gave you his number?” She asked Tony.
Peter started shaking his head rapidly at Tony, who ignored him.
“Reed Richards.”
“Peter Benjamin Parker, how the fuck do you even know Reed Richards!?” Betty demanded, eyes wide.
“Reed said he has a talent for biochemistry and pulling miracles out of his ass, which now that I think about it, I don’t think I’ve ever heard that story either.” Tony looked expectantly at Peter.
“So,” Peter said, slightly shrinking away from Betty and towards Tony. “Betty and I worked at the Daily Bugle together for…fuck, too long, so Betty, you actually will probably remember this, but remember when Johnny Storm requested The Guy Who Takes Those Sick Pics of Spidey?”
Betty thought for a second, then nodded. “Yeah, and it was weird because you didn’t normally do celebrity pics, but JJJ made you do it anyway and you didn’t argue because you were a broke college student.”
“Yeah. So, that kind of led to me working events that the Fantastic Four were at so they would let us get more flattering shots—“
“And you were kinda pissed about the whole thing ‘cause it was outside your wheelhouse and you had to wear a suit, so you had to track down Harry and ask if you could borrow one!” Betty exclaimed, visibly having found where she repressed all of her memories of working at the Daily Bugle. In her excitement over the conversation, her polished “work accent” began to give way to match Peter’s Queens accent.
“Mmhm. So at one of those events he introduced me to the rest of the four, which is how I met Reed and Sue Storm-Richards.” Peter said.
“So how did you ever end up in a lab with him?” Asked Tony, still not getting how Reed wold have known to recommend him, Betty nodding along in agreement.
“So that all happened, like, right after I started college—yes, Bets, this is relevant—and over the course of the next few years it somehow got around the super community that I’m kind of helpful guy in a pinch, I guess. Like, I helped the X-Men track down an illegal manufacturer of power dampening collars one time, then Deadpool found out about me and only sort of threatened me into helping him figure out which buildings a trafficking ring was based out of, then Daredevil had me fix his computer—“
“Sorry, how the fuck did you meet Daredevil?” “You know Daredevil too?!” Betty and Tony nearly yelled at the same time.
“He was my Spanish tutor in high school?” Peter said.
The room was silent for long enough that Peter just kept talking. “Anyway, long story short, over the next two years I meet every vigilante in the state through doing various odd jobs. So Iron Fist was the one to tell Dr. Richards that I was good with biochem, though honestly I have no idea how he knew. I’m actually convinced that DD and Deadpool were, like, advertising for me, because The Punisher had me dog-sit one time.”
“Goddamn, Parker, you already had big protagonist energy in high school, and now here you are, schmoozing with superheroes.” Betty leaned back im her chair, knocking her head against the back.
“What do you mean?” Tony asked Betty.
“This fucker managed to date the hottest four people in the school, first of all, but—“ She glanced at Peter. “Can I trauma dump for you? Like genuinely your life has been ridiculous and you never do it justice.”
Peter sighed and raised his hands in surrender. “We both know you’re doing it anyway, Bets.”
“Um, no.” She said. “We’ve literally known each other since we were in diapers. Have I said anything you’re actually upset about during this conversation?”
Peter shook his head. “Fair enough. Thanks for asking, I guess.”
“Like seriously, I need you to say it to my face.”
“Yes, Betty Brant, you can trauma dump for me on the internet.”
“This is a talk show.”
“And ninety percent of the people who watch it will see it on Youtube tomorrow. Bitch, you know I know how this works.”
“Pinky promise?”
“Betty, they’d find out at some point anyway, just do it.”
Tony looked increasingly more concerned as the conversation went on. “Pete?”
Peter looked at Tony, then smiled, taking his hand in a move that would be a gif by morning. “It’s fine.”
“Okay.”
“Peter Parker was born to Richard and Mary Parker, two biologists for Oscorp.”
Tony looked briefly like he wanted to say something, but showed restraint.
“Richard and Mary Parker died in a plane crash when Peter was six years old.”
The audience gasped.
“Luckily, Richard’s brother Ben and his wife May agreed to take him in. Then, when Peter was fourteen, Benjamin Parker was killed in a mugging and bled out in Peter’s arms.”
“Oh, fuck.” Tony mumbled, and pulled Peter into his arms.
“Not two years later, Gwen Stacey, Peter’s first girlfriend, is killed by the Green Goblin. The Green Goblin, it turns out, was Norman Osborn, the father of Peter’s childhood best friend, Harry Osborn.”
Tony twitches at that, but just pulls Peter closer.
“Harry Osborn, meanwhile was getting sick at that point, which for those of you who don’t know, it came out a few years back that Harry had been poisoned slowly by his father over the course of a few months in order to make him a new Green Goblin. Thankfully, after nearly a year in the hospital, Harry recovered from the whole thing. Harry Osborn had, at the point when he was hospitalized been Peter’s best friend for nearly twelve years, and boyfriend of, what, three weeks?”
Peter nodded, his expression, which had been mostly upbeat for the first portion of the interview, had gotten progressively darker as Betty went on.
“Throughout the last couple years, on top of all this bullshit, Peter had been bullied on a pretty regular basis by this one guy, who over the next summer had a sexuality crisis and realized he was gay. The next school year, he apologized a lot, cleaned up his act and actually ended up dating Peter during the first year of college. I believed they’re still friends to this day, and he can come out about that if he wants to.
“Anyway, after all the stuff with his uncle, Gwen, and Harry, he was pretty depressed. Thankfully, one of his neighbors—and probably the hottest woman I’ve ever met to this day—Mary Jane Watson, yes that Mary Jane Watson, starts making it her mission to get Peter out of the house. A few months into senior year, they start dating, and literally everyone thought he was going to marry her, but then we graduated and she moved to California to pursue acting, which, as most of us know, she became wildly successful at.
“I think they tried long distance for a minute? Yeah, then ended up breaking up and soon I’m hearing about that other guy from him at work. It was definitely a rebound, but it lasted over a year before they called it off as far as I remember.
“Then, last year, May Parker, the sweetest woman and Peter’s last living relative, died of cancer.”
There was a moment of silence in the studio.
“So, um, anyway, Peter, want to tell us the story of how you and Tony met?” She asked suddenly.
Something about the way she said it, set Peter off howling laughing, which she looked smug about.
“Damnit, Betty,” he choked out as he calmed down. “When you said you’d get me back for that when I least expected it, you really committed, huh?”
“Hell yeah, you know me.”
“Absolute dedication to anything you put your mind to, even the bit.” Peter glanced at Tony. “Your turn to talk, I just relived my entire tragic backstory.”
Tony kissed Peter on the forehead, then turned to Betty. “So the year is 2010, I’m dying of palladium poisoning from the reactor that was embedded in my chest, but it couldn’t be removed because it was keeping shrapnel from destroying my heart.”
“Oh,” Betty said, wide eyed. Everyone knew something had been going on with him that year, but he had never come out and said what had actually happened.
“Yeah, that’s why I was acting so off that year. I think the only good things to come of that were Peter, Starkanium (which I really wanted to name badassium) and Pepper as CEO of Stark Industries, which was perhaps the best business decision I ever made.
“The thing is, I didn’t actually want anyone to know I was dying. So I didn’t tell anyone.”
“Ohhh,” Betty said as if she’d just had an epiphany. “You’re just as much of a disaster as Peter, just in a wildly different tax bracket!”
Tony gaped at her for a minute while Peter cracked up.
“Oh my god,” Peter cackled, “That’s so fucking accurate!”
“Anyway,” Tony eventually continued, visibly choosing to ignore that comment, “I’m calling every bio-adjacent scientist I know, at this point, essentially giving them very little idea what the actual problem is and asking if they know any miracle workers. So when I get to Sue Storm, Reed picks up the phone instead. I didn’t have the energy to be an ass, and I guess I sounded desperate, because before I get a full sentence out, Reed’s rattling off a number and telling me the kid would be my best bet and to just call as soon as possible.”
“So he calls me at two in the morning to meet him at a 24-hour diner for a consultation, like I’m a doctor and not an exhausted grad student, and by the next morning we’re in Malibu, where I spent the next two weeks as a marginally useful sounding board.” Peter cut in.
“Marginally useful my ass.” Tony argued. “There’s a reason your name is down as a contributor to the creation of Starkanium!”
Peter rolled his eyes and gestured for him to continue.
“So after those two weeks, I flew him back out here, then we started to meet up whenever I was in town, which happened way more often with the construction happening on Stark Tower. Technically he’s been on the payroll for SI for the last—almost three years now?—as an independent contractor. He definitely has his name on more patents than he wanted.”
“He’s leaving out that he paid off my student loans for helping him out with the dying thing without talking to me.” Peter informed Betty, who winced.
“Oof. Got a piece of that Parker Temper Tony—can I call you Tony? I’m realizing I’ve just been treating you as one of my best friend’s significant other rather than a guest on the show, sorry.”
Tony waved her off. “Sure, and don’t worry about it, it’s a nice change of pace from being called ‘Mr. Stark’ all the time like I haven’t earned three doctorates. And yes, the Parker Temper is truly a sight to behold.”
Betty nodded. “Yeah, he got the Parker Luck from Ben and Richard’s side of the family, and that temper from May, despite not actually being blood related. Did he devolve into Italian?”
“Swear to god, I hadn’t heard anything like it since my mom died.” Tony laughed, ruffling a pouting Peter’s arm. “Don’t worry, Sweets, it was extremely effective, I’ve just seen you much more intimidating since then.”
Peter rolled his eyes. At some point he and Tony had managed to scoot up against each other on the couch, Tony’s arm along the back with Peter leaning into his side. “Where were we?” He asked, wanting to change the subject.
“I should probably ask some of the questions I was supposed to, now.” Betty shuffled through some cards in front of her, putting aside the ones that had already been covered, and wrinkling her nose at some of the others. “Okay, someone wants me to ask about the age gap and how you feel about it.”
Peter shrugs. “I’ve definitely seen worse, but it only really comes up with like, pop culture differences, though I was already kind of weird about that after being raised by boomers. It’s only eleven, twelveish years? It’s not like he’s my parent’s age.”
“Yeah, I don’t think it’s really come up all that often.” Tony agreed. “We’re generally more worried about whatever we’re working on at the time.”
“Okay, next question, I’m just going to speed run these before we run out of time: Peter is the first person you’ve dated who also has a doctorate, does that level the playing field a bit, academically?”
Tony smiles. “Peter’s degree is in biochemistry, which is mostly outside my areas of expertise, but he could absolutely get another in physics or mechanical engineering no problem. There was a bit of a learning curve a couple years ago, but he’s kept up with me for a while now, and specializing in different areas means he brings new concepts and ideas to the table.”
Betty’s eyebrows were nearing her hairline. “Damn. I knew he was a genius, but I didn’t realize he was a Tony Stark level genius.”
Tony shrugged. “What I’ve been learning since meeting Peter is that it’s all about resources. It’s part of the reason the September Foundation has started creating so many scholarships over the past few years. The smartest kid in the world could be in an area that doesn’t have internet, or doesn’t have the best schools. Within a year of having access to my systems, Peter started designing prosthetics, more efficient water filtration systems, all sorts of things that he says he never would have thought of trying if he hadn’t had access to my lab.”
Peter nodded. “Seriously. I’ve built gear for supers occasionally over the years, but I never would have gotten so deep into tech without Tony. I’ve also started working on textiles a bit, like making lighter-weight fire resistant fabric for firefighter’s uniforms, or cloth masks people could use in case of a fire to avoid smoke inhalation, things like that.”
“Which heroes have you made equipment for?” Betty asked.
“Spider-Man, mostly, but I’ve also worked on a couple things for the Four, Daredevil, a couple of the X-Men in a pinch, and a few others.”
“I always wondered if you knew him, from the pictures you got. How long have you known Spider-Man?”
“Pretty much since he started out.”
“Flash owes me fifty bucks.”
“Of course he does.”
“He bet that there was no way you even knew Spider-Man, Harry bet that your parents probably had something to do with the experiments that eventually produced Spider-Man, but MJ bet that you were Spider-Man,” Betty laughed, but then she saw his face. “…no.”
“Mm.”
“Nuh uh.”
“I didn’t say anything.”
“Peter Benjamin Parker—“
“Is that the second time you’ve full named me tonight?”
“Oh my god, it makes so much sense!”
“Honestly, I’m surprised it didn’t come out months ago. I didn’t exactly have a suit with me during the Battle of New York.”
“Wait, do the webs—?”
“No, Betty, the webs don’t come out of me, I make them. In a lab.”
“And all the Spidey pics you sold to the Bugle?”
“Literal selfies.”
“Why are you coming out about this now?”
“May died.”
“Oh. Oh! That’s why you never said anything before?”
“Mostly, yeah.”
“Holy shit! Holy shit! Wait, can you, like say it? Just so I know we’re on the same page?”
Peter glanced at Tony, gave him a little smirk, then found and stared directly into one of the cameras.
“I am Spider-Man.”
“Damnit, Parker” Tony grumbled. “Steal my line, why don’t you—“
And the interview ended.
——
Comments
- We don’t have time to unpack all of that, but HOLY SHIT SPIDERMAN JUST DROPPED HIS IDENTITY
- this is not how i expected tonight to go, but this may have just made my life actually i think i can die happy now
- Betty Brant’s face upon finding out she’s known Spider-Man the whole time sent me
- Just realized that Spidey has been selling his selfies to the newspaper who hates him most for nearly a decade, and the fact that JJJ technically funded Spider-Man is sooo fucking funny omfg
- This is possibly the most like a regular human I’ve ever seen Tony Stark be in an interview. Either that or Peter Parker is just so off-the-wall (haha) that he makes Stark look tame in comparison, which is frankly terrifying to think about.
- Literally everyone Spidey loves having died and that being why he chose to come out kind of crushed my heart, just a little
- This interview made me love Betty Brant even more
- The fact that Tony Stark was the least interesting part of this interview is frankly astounding
- Betty Brant full-named actual Spider-Man twice i’m in love
- Somehow Spider-Man dating an old bully of his in college was the least surprising thing I learned tonight
- Well, the earth didn’t end in 2012, but apparently Tony Stark’s ho phase did