Superior Deadpool! Wait no-that's already taken-
The Deadpool Variant pranced along the rooftops of New York until he landed on a roof shaded just enough by the neighboring building. He sat down, pulled off his mask and brushed his unruly, yet cartoonishly still styled hair, and pressed ‘Answer’ on the phone.
Thank you for calling Deadpool's Dildo Emporium. How may I erect-I mean, direct your call?"
A sigh is heard from the other line before the caller makes themselves known with a very stern, "Deadpool! This is no joke, you know I wouldn't call you if I had no other choice. Are you available?"
"Oooh! Asking me out, are we? I knew you couldn't resist my charms, Scotty. Does Jean know about this little rendezvous, or am I your dirty little secret? ~" He wiggles his eyebrows and shimmies his shoulder even though Scott can't see him from the other side of the phone.
"W-hwa-THIS ISN'T A DATE! I'm here along with some of the other X-Men, and we're on a mission, and we need a meat shield with a healing factor to do some dirty work that we can't. Are. You. Coming?"
Deadpool groans, "Ugh! Scotty McFly, you're just HANDING the innuendos to me! It's low-hanging fruit! But fine, fine, I'll always come for you *wink*, send me the deets and I'll be coming right over....vigorously." He cackles as he ends the phone call and pockets the device.
Then he turns to you, "You see, dear Audience, we all come from somewhere. In my timeline, I learned that if you want to work for the big leagues, like the Avengers, you gotta start small, and that means roughing it with this little motley group of outcasts known as the X-Men.”
The phone pings, and he pulls it out of his pocket to put the location into the Maps app, and the Deadpool gracefully scales down the building.
“It is a pity though, it’s going to take so much longer to get there than it did in my original timeline, your old Wade was SO unpopular and disliked here, I swear it’s like he’s the worst version of Deadpool there is, he’s not brutal enough to be liked for his strength, he’s not pretty enough to be thirsted over, he’s too soft for the hardcore fans and too rough for the UwU Marvel fans. It’s a good thing you’re with me now, the Superior Deadpool.” He pauses and frowns, “Wait, no-that one’s already taken, let me think…” He hums to himself before pulling his mask back on and looks around.
He lights up when he realizes he’s near a club and walks to the back parking deck. And just sitting right there, he spots a lonely-looking 2016 Chevrolet Corvette Convertible Z51 and decides to give it a better home, making quick work, hotwiring the car.
As soon as he gets in the car, he puts the top down and rubs his hands together excitedly, red leather seats too?! Fuck yeah baby!”
Not long after that, he’s off, driving through the busy streets of New York in style.
“Aha! I’m sure all my alliteration adorers in the audience out there will love this one. You can call me the Dominant Deadpool! The Merc with a Meaning.”
He’s out of the car, which is parked a couple of blocks over, and is at the door of the seemingly abandoned hospital, but of course, knowing run-of-the-mill villains of the week, it’s always some secret lair or lab.
The ‘Dominant’ Deadpool barely makes it a couple of feet into the building before he’s surrounded, a couple of C List X-Men stand around him, alarmed but soon part and make way for the real money makers, Storm, Colossus, and Jean Grey stand to the side and make way for Cyclops, aka Scott Summers, Leader of the X-Men. He pushed to the front, acting almost as a barrier between the rest of the crew and Deadpool.
“Deadpool. I see you had no problem getting here.” Scott says very formally.
“Came as soon as you called. Then I had to change my pants, but then I made my way over here, even skipped my afternoon tea for you, pookie.” He teased, even forming a little heart shape with his hands.
Scott, along with some other X-Men, makes a face of disgust before looking away. “Gross, anyway, let’s make this quick.” He points upwards, “At the very top of the building, there’s a floor completely unreachable by us, the level of radiation is far too dangerous for any of us to go up there, but unfortunately, there’s something up there blocking radio-communication waves and we need it destroyed. That’s all we need you to do. Go up there, destroy what’s blocking the waves, and collect any information, no killing. Got it?” Cyclops debriefs, still stoic as ever.
“Yes sir, ooh, I love it when you boss me around like that, it gets me all tingly inside.” He shivers and runs his fingers down Scott’s bicep, watching him yank away.
“This is serious business Deadpool, screw this up, and see if the X-Men ever involve you in anything again. You’re lucky I’m asking you this time, that Colossus convinced me to give you a chance.”
“Ooohh if that’s the punishment, I can’t wait to see the reward.” Deadpool giggles before making his way to the upper floors like he was asked, sashaying the entire time.
It really was a simple task.
Honestly, the Merc with a Meaning was positive, he was only asked because Colossus had requested it be him, otherwise, there are plenty more people they could’ve asked. At least the previous Deadpool hadn’t burned all of his bridges, this might actually make things a bit easier.
He passed several floors where grunts for the villain of the week were tied up and knocked unconscious on the ground, for a group that doesn’t kill, the X-Men really can fuck some people up. Seriously, it’s like how Spider-Man kicks the shit out of people and absolutely break bones and give concussions when he wants. ‘Oh, Spider-Man doesn’t kill, he’d never kill anyone!’ Okay, but he can send a fire hydrant or car door swinging towards some petty thief's head at 25 MPH. That means it’s okay for the X-Men to send out a rabid beast with forks for hands to attack people or have their leader be a man who literally shoots lasers out of his eyes and at people, and expect them not to hit any vital organs or reduce someone to ash? Okay, Marvel, whatever.
“Ugh radiation fucking stinks, like literally, it smells like down right dog ass.” He covers his nose with his mask before continuing forward; the closer he gets, the more rancid the smell becomes.
As he enters the final floor, he scopes out the room, taking into account everything he sees. In the middle of the room, sits a janky and shoddily put together contraption, judging from the humming emitting from it and several antennas sticking out from the side, that looks like it’s the jammer that One Eyed Scotty was talking about.
“Ha! Yea, that makes sense, these suckers were holing themselves up in this hospital for the space away from the radiation because some dumb ass has never jammed radio communication before, and instead of making the device run off the power in the building, they’ve decided to use an ionic battery.” He explains while tearing the machine apart and looking around some more.
He ends up finding a couple of files and flashdrives that explain that the freaks were jamming communications so that they could exchange information and trafficked mutants without issue, unfortunately for them, they went ahead an jammed important signals and as soon as it’s inconvenient for the big dawgs, big dicked important people end up being involved and that always leads to being caught. Rookie mistake.
He walks back down to the first floor and presents the information to Cyclops and the rest of the X-Men, leaving them a little shocked.
“What? Do I have something on my face?” The masked menace tilts his head and acts as if he’s checking in his phone’s camera.
“How in the hell do you know all that?” Jean asks, flabbergasted.
“Know what? The information you fucks told me to get? C’mon, we’re all big boys here, we can use context clues.” He shifts, putting his hand on his hip in impatience.
“You know that’s not the part we’re talking about, you explained ion batteries and described in excruciating detail which radio frequency their jammer was on to block the signals, there’s no way you just know that off the top of your head…” Scott the Jizz scoffs, eyes wide in disbelief.
“You think I don’t know about radiation, c’mon man, that’s literally how I got into this whole immortal dealio, you expect me to not know anything about how I mutated?” It’s his turn to scoff.
“Wade, my friend. I might be mistaken, but I thought you got your powers from your mutated cancer cells, not radiation?” Colossus interjects, confused.
Shit. He forgot that he and the last Wade had differing backstories. Oh well, he can still work with this, he hasn’t fumbled yet. “Yeah, cancer powered up by the radiation, duh. The cancer had to mutate somehow.” He’d roll his eyes if it could be seen under the mask.
“Oh uh-I wasn’t aware of that, thank you for the clarification.” Colossus nods and Deadpool salutes to him before trying to walk out of the hospital, but he’s once again interrupted.
“Oh-actually! Wade, if you could-” Storm’s voice cuts his movements off, and he turns around to face her. She sees that he’s stopped and continues, “We can’t really have you walking around the city with a suit full of radiation, it’d contaminate everything, would you mind heading back to the Mansion with us so you can decontaminate?” She asks, trying her best to be polite and not sound off to the unsettling masked man.
Seeing this as his ticket in, he shrugs and easily agrees. “Sure, I’ll just drive and meet you guys though, I’m not leaving my sweet ass ride here.” He waves his keys he had made on the way to the mission, for emphasis.
Colossus makes a face at him and asks, “You can drive? Since when? I thought you were always too distracted to drive?”
FUCK. How well does this tin giant know the old Wade? He’s a good asset, but right now, he might be more trouble than he’s worth. He should use caution and avoid conversations with the shitbag in the meantime. “I got better.” He replies before walking out the door, giving no one else time to ask questions.