First Class Hands

An all too familiar masked figure sits on the couch in an all too familiar rundown apartment, staring straight at…well, you.

It’s Deadpool; the Merc with a Mouth, a Masked Menace (no not that one), the Regenerating Degenerate, a Wildcard, who waves, the eye plates in the mask squinting jovially along to welcome you. “Oh! You’re just on time! I’m your new narrator, are you ready to see what bullshit we have going on today?”

Deadpool suddenly raises his hand defensively at the sudden confusion “Hey, hey, hush hush hush now, it’s okay. Here, look.” The merc reaches for his mask, slowly pulling it up and over his head, revealing his face.

The man under the mask is not Wade Wilson. Well....he kind of looks like him, with a similar face and body build, but there were some blinding differences between the two. 1. This ‘Deadpool’ has hair, a full set of hair on his head which is short and standing up wildly in every direction, presumably from the mask being pulled off, eyebrows, eyelashes, and even a considerable amount of stubble forming around his lips and chin. 2. This mercenary has no scars, hell-there are barely any blemishes to be seen. When you look closer, you realize he actually just looks like Ryan Reynolds during his Green Lantern phase wearing a Deadpool suit.

He smiles gently at you for a moment before it turns into a smirk “Surprised? Don’t worry, there’s no need to be scared. You’re with a pro now, the best of the best. I’m a guy with a certain knowhow and it’ll benefit you fangirls out there to know that I’m also well dressed, no Hawaiian shirts or hoodies for me, only the best tight-fitting suits and dress shirts.” He winks.

“What was that? What happened to the other Deadpool? Oh, don’t worry about it. Just focus on me. I know it’s hard, you’re not used to this level of…oh how to put it…quality you’re seeing. But here my little birds, let me put it simply for you. You deserve to be in first class hands.”

Deadpool gets up from his seat and motions for the audience to follow, panning over to a tiny shelf full of pictures. Some are of Blind Al, some are of a pissed off looking Wolverine, and some even contain photos of Wade’s friends, the rest of his family. But this Deadpool pays no mind to those, instead he picks up a picture of this world’s Wade Wilson and shows it to the audience before smashing it on the floor.

“You see, you’ve all been distracted by a dude whose been uprooting the whole plot. I’m not trying to be rude, but there’s no way in hell he’s got a pair of first class hands, and baby don’t you wanna be in these first class hands? You’re an audience of one of the biggest movie studios in the world, you’ve alone have ranked in $2,906,381,409 for this poor excuse of a movie franchise, you deserve only the best and the last guy? Let’s just say he missed the mark, so now I’m here to take you through an actually good plot, with my strong and precise first class hands.” He flicks his wrist, flexing the tendons in his hands before making a face of disgust to something offscreen.

“Hi, excuse me, what the shit are you doing here? And why do you look like an emo Ryan Reynolds who just learned what hair gel and Nickleback were on the same afternoon?” Another Deadpool appears, and lo and behold, it’s Deadpool Prime, this universes Deadpool, he looks confused, less about seeing another Deadpool, but more about seeing him in his apartment.

The “New Deadpool” smirks and pats the other on the back, “Oh don’t worry, I was just getting the audience adjusted to their new and improved narrator.”

Wade reels back and gawfs at this, “The fuck do you mean new narrator? I’m the only narrator they need, now fuck off before I get the TVA fucks to waltz in here and zap you back to wherever the fuck you came from.”

This new Deadpool fakes shock, “Oh buddy, you didn’t hear the news? Hate to be the one to break it to ya, but the TVA fired you and I’m here as your replacement.”

Wade rolls his eyes, “Oh fired me? Really? What am I? One of their college interns that fixes them their coffee and wipes their tushies for them only to in turn get paid in minimum wage and exposure? I’m a fucking anchor being bitch.”

The new guy laughs, “Oh come ooonnnn, you weren’t an anchor being, they have a new Wolverine now, why do they need you? After you solved the timeline issue; which I have to say, good job Fido, I didn’t know you could actually do something well, the TVA decided to look back at your other escapades and learned about you going back in time to bring your ‘friends’ back to life, which surprise to no one is a big no-no” He condescendingly wags his finger in Wade’s face.

“Oh yea suurrree, and my real name is Jimmy Jameson Jackoff, the tightest bitch this side of the South, be so for real, if the TVA wanted me gone then why wouldn’t they send their leather pups here to collect me themselves?” Wade Wilson is rarely a patient man, and this time is no exception, he’s getting bored of this bullshit.

“Oh well, it simple really, I have two words for you-” Newpool is cut off by Wade. “Oooh! Ooh! Let me guess! I’m Leaving?!?!”

Newpool sighs, starting to get fed up with this shit too, “No, it’s Free Will-”

Wade raises his hand in the air, “Can I guess again? I was gonna say free will.”

“Look, the TVA is being gracious enough, letting you forfeit the Deadpool title and everything that comes with it, including the audience and those associated and in return, you can stay in this universe. It sounds like a win to me; you can still watch your sad little family from the sidelines.”

Wade wildly waves his harms in the air, crossing them “Woah woah woah holdup, I’m sorry it must be time for a check up with ol’ Hanky boy, because my hearing must be going apeshit. I thought I heard you say that you want me to just get up and leave my friends and family?”

New Deadpool shrugs and examines his nails, “It’s protocol, wouldn’t have to happen if they didn’t know about your Deadpool identity but unfortunately for you, you’ve done nothing to keep that a secret...”

“Secret identities are soooo Spiderman core, I mean they’re so unbelievable too, there’s no way Peter Parkers able to keep that a secret forever, hell in a lot of media most of the people closest to him already know, they just don’t tell him to make him feel better-“ Wade’s cut off from his ramble.

There’s a new fiery anger on this Deadpool’s face, “Wadey buddy, you disgusting excuse of a man. You could’ve stayed, you could’ve had this timeline all to yourself. But you just had to blow it, had to interfere and the next thing you know it’s over and I’m here…”

“Well, Cryin’ Reynolds, IF this is all happening because I got involved, don’t you think the selfless act of me almost completely atomizing myself in the time ripper just might’ve solved it?”

“No! You shouldn’t be allowed to make your own decisions, as narrators, we just get to watch everything happen around us. We can’t make revisions because YOU don’t like the script that was handed to you. You botched it and it’s over!” Knock off Nicepool readjusts himself before turning back to the audience, “Besides, it’s time to show the crowd what it’s like to be in first class hands.”

Wade shoves Newpool out of the way, by shoving the palm of his hand in his face, “Ah- is this what’s its about? Giving the audience something different to watch? Constructive criticism, I can take that. Now move, Not Topic, let me show the audience just how first class my hand can get.”

“No- Wade, Wade listen, no-” They spend a couple of minutes going back and forth bickering and shoving each other before Newpool gets the upper hand, momentarily silencing Wade with his hands and addressing the audience, “You’ve all been shackled to a chaperone who needs to take a hike, I could end this whole charade right now, oh but wait, who doesn’t like when I fool around with my first class hands, I’m a professional who understands. Just sit back enjoy the action, I’ve teamed up with the Avengers and X-men!”

“Oh wow, that’s impressive…” Wade mumbles to himself who is then ignored by the other Deadpool.

“Trust me audience, this is gonna be a ride of a lifetime and you’ll only experience with me and these first class roles and cameos, class so well-rehearsed, class once met Stan Lee-”

“Oh really Stan Lee? When was this?” Wade’s raised and eyebrow muscle in interest.

“Ah- it was years ago, it was near a telephone booth.” Newpool shrugs before continuing to the audience, “Why have the worst when you can have first class hands!”

He then turns to Wade, “So…you should go.”

“Right, right like motivational like ‘Go Girl!’. Thanks, pookie! Alright, here I go!”

“No. I mean, leave. Right now, Wade.”

“Yeahhh, don’t know if you’ve noticed but I literally turned back time, traveled universes, and completely atomized some bald bitch for the sake of this universe so you think that you or the TVA is going to stop me from being with my family, you must be stupider than whatever Marvel executive approved the Spiderman One More Day comic. So, if ya don’t mind, I’m about to go full Karen mode and give those TVA mother fuckers a piece of my mind and have them send you back from wherever you came from.” Wade dusts his hands together before nodding to himself.

Voice dark, the other Deadpool replies, “I can’t let you do that, Wade Wilson.”

Wade immediately turns serious and moves his body into battle stance and says with a smirk in his voice, “Well then, I guess you’ll have to try stopping me.” Wade pulls out a Katana and before he can even land a single hit on Newpool, they take out TVA baton and, in an instant, Wade is gone.

The new Deadpool sheaths the weapon, and shakes our his hands before turning to you one last time, “Well then, now that we’re finally alone, shall we start?”