The Job Interview.
He wasn't sure where the spell dropped him. It wasn't a universe he recognised. But Peter was sure of one thing.
It stank.
Another thing he was doubly sure of.
The villains here sucked.
Joker sat on the chair confused.
"And so, this guy snaps his fingers and my whole body is literally falling to pieces. Like, I can feel every single atom of my body ripping apart. And I'm all like, 'I don't wanna go Mr S', but my body disintegrates anyway. And then!! seconds later, I'm back in my body again. But it's not actually a second, because it was actually five whole years later, but I hadn't aged a day. And it wasn't just me, half the population was dusted away. That's what they called it. The Dusting. It's in the history books if you bother to check them."
The deranged boy bustled around while talking a mile a minute. It was his hide out- damn it. And yet, this idiot had marched him to a chair, sat him down, and proceeded to make him and his henchmen some tea!! In his own home!! It was clear the adolescent needed to spend time in Arkham himself.
The boy- he hadn't actually given his name- turned back to the men with some fried eggs and toast on a plate. "So anyway, there's some breakfast. It's too early in the morning to be doing crime. Kidnapping people from the streets. Honestly!! What were you thinking?!" The boy shook his head and busied himself by washing up the pans and utensils he'd used.
Dusty- the oldest henchman- handed Joker a plate, and gestured to him to load up on the eggs and bread. His boss sighed, and took a singular egg and made a sandwich with the hot buttered toast. They'd watched the idiot make the food right in front of them, so he deemed it safe to eat. The first bite was heavenly, and Joker crammed the next into his mouth as quickly as possible. Arkham food was disgusting. Enough to keep them alive, but it was never hot, always some grey nutritious sludge- and it was always yucky. The three henchmen, seeing their boss enjoying his meal, tucked in as well. The weirdo boy watched them with a small smile on his face.
"We'll have to get you some groceries in, because these cupboard are empty. You're lucky I had just done my shopping when you so rudely pinched me from the street. Honestly!! This is unacceptable. I managed to find an apartment with rent for fifteen dollars a month. You can definitely get a bag of groceries mate." The boy began wiping down the really grimy surfaces. "As I was saying!!" He huffed and pointed the spray bottle at the four men at the kitchen diner table. "Kidnapping at this time of day is not okay. It's never okay, but before the shops are fully open is crazy!! I had to literally wait outside the shop to be let in at six. Not to inconvenience them or anything, but I needed to get in early you know? Before the rush came in and nabbed my favourite puff pastries..." He looked over at the bags by the front door. "Which I'll be very kind and share with you." He nodded, and went back to cleaning.
"So before I was saying that, I was telling you about the dusting. Anyway, I'll skip some things, but I was with this wizard. He has a sentient cape you know, and he did a spell. Poof!! Here I am, in the stinkiest place in the universe. Like, the cesspits back home smelled fresher than this place's green spaces. It's doodoo central. Totally needs a clean-up. We'll get to that later."
Dusty shared a look with Panda-his subordinate. The boy was stark raving mad. He must have a really good imagination, because the way he was talking meant he had spent a lot of time formulating this story. They wouldn't do anything to him yet, because the guy had cooked for them, but the minute boss gave the signal- they'd pounce. And the guy as still yapping.
"You can totally do your make up better dude." The teen swirled around, and shuffled off to go rifling through the Joker's things in his bedroom.
Panda swallowed as he tried to covertly look at his boss. The man's face was strangely blank, but Panda knew that could mean anything. They'd probably be cleaning up pre-pubescent blood from the ceiling later.
The boy waltzed back into the room with what looked like a make-up bag, brushes and a comb. He set it down on the table, and yanked Joker from his seat on the singular couch, to the taller dining room chair. He pushed Meeking- the other henchman- off in the process, but he meant business. The three henchmen watched in shock as the boy wiped the white make up right off their boss' face and the man sat there passively allowing it to happen.
In all honesty, Joker hadn't had this much fun in a long time, and he'd only been out of Arkham for five hours, so he was feeling lenient. If it was manicures and makeover day, then so be it. Plus, a home cooked meal? He wasn't complaining.
The boy deftly removed the rest of the make up, and opened up Joker's bag.
"You have the products, you just need to take the time to do your beat properly. Honestly, a man of such prestige as yourself, roaming around with streaky foundation? It's not okay."
Dusty was coming to realise that according to this boy, lots of things were: not okay. Maybe it was a thing of the youth, but he'd be crying when he was an adult. So much of adulting was seriously not okay. It's why he was loyal to Mr J. His mom had been killed in front of him by her pimp, and he'd been homeless. Mr J had picked him up, rubbed him down and cared for him. Watching his dad be sent back to Arkham over and over was very disheartening. But yet here they were, and he'd be waiting to welcome Mr J with open arms every time. Messed up? Maybe.
They sat in companionable silence as the boy did Mr J's makeup, chatting away at breakneck speeds. He was a cute little thing, and his positivity was a nice spark in the darkness that was life. Someone would snuff it out, but Joker was damn sure it wouldn't be him. He'd spread the word, this baby was to be protected at all costs.
"...we made the Lego death star together. Ned- my best friend- have I mentioned him before? Anyway, we were like a pair of divorced parents, taking it home for our half of the week. Except we weren't actually divorced parents because we were only twelve at the time, and that would be weird. Also, neither one of us is secretly a Lego person. Can you imaging a like, human Lego person, giving birth to a whole piece of Lego? I wonder if it would come out as a whole construction, or the pieces one by one, and then the Lego parent has to put it together... Some pieces take like years to finish, so that would be a whole other wait time, after being a pregnant Lego person... that's a lot to think about actually. Anyway, Ned and I kept it for half the week until we finished it. Then, Mr S put it in his Lego hall of fame room. And we visit that place whenever we like and "
"What's your name?"
The boy whipped his head around to blink at Meeking. He narrowed his eyes. "Peter." He answered and then went back to talking about this Lego death-star as if he hadn't been interrupted.
Meeking caught Joker's eye, and the green haired male smirked as Peter rubbed gold highlighter over his cheeks.
"We just need some lipstick..." Peter muttered to himself, and rifled through the bag.
A hand came into his field of vision, and the teen glanced up at Joker who handed him a mac lipstick fresh from his pocket. It was a bright red. Peter took it with a grin.
"Never walk around without at least one lipstick on your person." Joker said, and then extended his chin so that the smaller male could reach his lips easier.
Peter nodded. "You hear that? Wise words. Take notes." He pointed the lipstick at the henchmen sat squished together on the sofa. Panda nodded, and actually took out a notebook to write it down.
Silence stretched for a moment as Peter held his breath as he lined the lips first, and then filled them in.
"If you really like the extended liner look, you can pull the lipstick up through the outer corners just a little bit, it looks really cute." Peter explained what he was doing, as he took a tiny angled brush, and swiped it across the top of the lipstick before adding sharp lines to the corners of the mouth. "Doesn't look as weird as the other thing you were doing, but still gives an exaggerated smile. See!" He handed his model the handheld mirror.
Joker peered at his face in the mirror. Peter had respected his love of the white foundation, but made it smooth and not streaky. He'd added some gold eye-shadow to compliment his green hair, which had been styled with curtains to frame his face. He'd given him straight green eyebrows to match the hair, and a ruby blush on the high points of his cheeks to compliment the lipstick. And his lips!! They looked juicy and plump with the lip liner, but the small sharp corner was so much cuter than the villainous smile he used before.
"So!!!" Peter clapped his hands together. "What do you think?"
Joker smiled. "It's a perfect new look for me." He chuckled. "What do you say boys?" He asked the trio on the couch.
"It's lovely. Not that you other makeup before wasn't good. It was. But this one complements you more." Dusty said honestly.
"Good, good." Peter checked his watch. "It gives us just enough time to spray some perfume..." He pulled off the lid of the bottle of Sauvage from the bottom of the bag and spritzed Joker's neck and wrists.
The teen yanked the man off the chair, forced a dark blue jacket on him, and pushed him to get his shoes on.
"You clearly need a job, if you're kidnapping kids off the street. So, I'll help you get one!! Mr Vishi across the road is hiring. Now that you're smart and smell nice, I'm sure you'll get the job. Off you go, and when you get back, there'll be lunch and a warm pastry waiting for you. Be polite, try your best and remember: You're amazing sweetie!!" Peter thrust the man out of the door, and Meeking, Dusty and Panda rushed to the window with him to watch Joker confidently stride across the street and enter the small sewing shop. Peter wiped his eyes, proud as he saw the older male shake the shop owner's hand through the large bay window. Leaving the trio to cheer on their boss, he began to prepare some spaghetti with the groceries he'd picked up, and set the oven to a hundred degrees to heat up the pastries ready for dessert.
As Joker sat at the table with Mr Vishi in the back room of his shop, filling out the onboarding paperwork for the first legal job he'd ever had, he wondered how kidnapping a kid off the street to sell for money had gone so incredible wrong.
And later, when they were celebrating his success with bottles of soda from the corner shop, he wondered how kidnapping a kid off the street to sell for money had gone so incredibly right.
And Peter, tucked up in bed with his tv on, hot cocoa on his dresser, stroked the tuxedo cat that slithered in through his window every night. It had a glossy coat and a black and green collar, so he was well looked after, but stop by every night he did. He mused over the state of the universe he'd been dropped in, and vowed to fix it up. Because if this was where he was forced to stay forever, he damn sure wouldn't be leaving the little guy to live in doodoo central.