Beware of kid
Tsunade was staying in a nondescript inn. Shabby enough not to draw attention, but not quite a den of inequity either. The shinobi in Kakashi approved. It was just the sort of place to stay if you wanted to keep your head down without getting caught up in local criminal activities. He and Naruto were staying somewhere fairly similar.
He didn’t bother trying to be subtle. She was Tsunade of the Sannin, and she knew he was around. The chances of successfully sneaking up on her were approximately zero, but if he came openly and non-threateningly she might just be curious enough to stick around. Ninja are curious creatures by nature after all.
He found her waiting for him in the lobby with a bottle of sake. From everything he’s heard that was not out of character.
“Tell sensei I’m not coming back, it doesn’t matter how many of you idiots he sends to try and convince me.” Kakashi’s thoughts came to a screeching halt. He froze for a moment, reran her declaration through his head, and was forced to revisit his assumptions. Well that explained why she hadn’t attacked him on sight he supposed.
“You mean you hadn’t heard?” Kakashi started sidling towards the door. Really he should have just played along and got out of there, but something in her attitude made him curious. Besides, taking stupid risks had got him this far, it would be silly to stop now.
“Heard what?” Tsunade’s eyes narrowed suspiciously as she revisited her own assumptions about the nature of their encounter. It didn’t take long, she was a smart woman, he could see the exact moment the pieces slotted together. “Konoha didn’t send you did they?” At least she wasn’t attacking.
“Well no. Not as such. I may have had a slight… falling out with the village. I don’t actually work for Konoha anymore.”
“You’re a missing nin.” She observed neutrally.
“Maybe.” He hedged.
“You’re a missing nin. Hidden villages don’t just let high level shinobi run off and do their own thing. Hell the only reason I’m not declared a missing nin is because it would be too bloody embarrassing for Konoha to admit that the last of the Senju gave them the finger and told them to fuck off and die.”
“Did you actually use those exact words?” Kakashi was morbidly curious.
“It was strongly implied when I walked out of the village with my student and swore never to return.” She said dryly. “So what made you finally decide to pack up and leave? I have to say I wouldn’t have pegged you for the type.” The room suddenly went cold with killing intent.
“They hurt Naruto.” Kakashi growled darkly. “They can all burn in hell.” Then he suddenly let the killing intent dissipate and smiled bright enough to be visible under the mask. “Besides being a missing nin is far more fun. I don’t ever have to do mission reports ever again. Naruto likes it too. He gets to travel and see the world and make new friends out of terrifying enemies wherever he goes.”
“Who’s Naruto?” Tsunade inquired curiously.
“Minato and Kushina’s son. The Kyuubi’s jinchuriki.” He was honestly a little surprised. She must really be on the outs with Konoha if they hadn’t told Naruto’s only living blood relative his name.
There was a brief but intensely awkward silence as she processed this information. Then she screeched.
“You stole a jinchuriki and took it on a road trip.”
“Is it stealing when it’s another human being. That strikes me as rather dehumanising.”
“We’re ninja” Tsunade replied flatly, “Our whole lives are dehumanising. But fine if it bothers you that much you kidnapped a jinchuriki and took him on a road trip.”
“Maa, kidnapping is a strong word. I prefer to think of it as… aggressive adoption. He’s clearly better off with me. And he was only two when I took him, that’s young enough. It’s not like they were watching him that closely, leaving cute kids of that age lying around is just asking for someone to take them.” He gave what he considered to be one of his best disarming grins. It didn’t work. Tsunade just gave him a long look before bashing her head repeatedly against the table. It left massive dents in the wood.
“Look I’m not saying you were wrong to take the kid. Minato was your teacher, obviously you had a responsibility to raise him the way Minato would have wanted. But you do realise Konoha will never stop hunting you?”
“I know. They put me in the bingo books and everything.” He possibly shouldn’t be that smug about it but it was sort of gratifying to be acknowledged for his skills. Even if the entry did say he was crazy. He wasn’t crazy, he was just unconventional. “But I managed to give them the slip at the start and they honestly haven’t been looking very hard since.” He leaned in and lowered his voice to a whisper “I think they’ve been a little distracted by problems closer to home.” Tsunade seemed to give up at that point.
“Whatever. I guess it’s your risk to take. At least you had the guts to bloody well stand up to those bastards. Good on you. And the kid. You know you should introduce him to my Shizune, I’m sure they have lots in common.”
“Shizune?” Kakashi hadn’t heard that name before.
“My student. She’s my dead fiance’s little sister. I took her with me when I left. She has the most adorable interest in poisons. Come on lets go have a drink and we can swap stories about our cute little kids.”
…
Civilians, Itachi decided, were bizarre.
Itachi had a certain reputation. It was the sort of reputation that a person tended to get when they became a professional killer at seven years old and went on to become one of the most dangerous ninja in the world by his early teens, before apparently losing his mind and killing a couple of hundred of his own family members in the space of one night. It was the sort of reputation that made enemies shake in their boots and his own allies twitch if he looked at them wrong. Itachi was a living nightmare and the usual reaction of those who managed to irritate him was either cowering apology, or panicked flight.
He was not cute.
The civilians disagreed. They saw him with Sasuke in his arms, scowling at them, and they thought it was adorable. It was honestly disconcerting. People kept smiling at him, and trying to pinch his cheeks. His obvious annoyance only seemed to encourage them, and they kept rambling on about how sweet it was that he was so protective of his little brother. They laughed when he started asking around for work. He wondered if maybe he should have left Sasuke behind and used a henge. Clearly he wasn’t presenting a very threatening image.
No-one would hire him for assassinations, no-one would hire him for guard missions, he did however, manage to get someone to pay him to rescue a cat from a tree, which led to one of their friends paying him to paint their fence, which in turn led to a job clearing weeds. By the time the day ended it felt like he’d completed a lifetimes worth of D-ranks, and he swore, never again. He didn’t care how clingy Sasuke was feeling, he could not stand another day of little old civilian ladies cooing at him.
Unfortunately leaving Sasuke somewhere safe while he tried to find honest ninja work was easier said than done. He tried putting Sasuke down but found him extremely unwilling to let go. After ten minutes of trying he managed to peel his brother off of him one limb at a time, and set him down on the ground, only for the limpet to immediately attach itself to his legs. Kawarimi just resulted in screaming. Itachi honestly didn’t feel equipped for this. Maybe he’d been a bit hasty taking his baby brother with him on the run. Itachi thought about Danzo’s plotting, and Konoha’s petty factionalism, and a clan compound painted red with blood and decided that despite his current difficulties he had made the right choice. Faith in his own genius restored he set himself to solving the clingy Sasuke problem.
In the end Itachi resorted to a shadow clone. It was not in any way an abuse of ninja powers. Sasuke was unrelenting, and it was impossible to get decent mercenary work with a toddler clinging around your neck. Even if you did henge yourself to look older. So he left Sasuke-the-limpet with a clone while he found himself a nice straightforward sabotage mission to clear his head. He felt a lot better after that, some business man had hired him to blow up a rival’s office block. Itachi breathed in the sweet smell of smoke and rubble and smiled, there was nothing quite like high explosives for exorcising demons. Maybe he should take Sasuke with him next time, he could even teach him some katon jutsu. It would be a bonding experience.
…
The Ramen King looked upon his prisoner. His prisoner looked back. He glared at her, she glared at him. This stand off continued for a good five minutes before he gave in.
“What were you doing sneaking around our secret base.” He was trying for intimidating, she didn’t seem all that impressed. In his defence intimidating was hard to pull off when you were all of four years old and adorable. Not that Naruto minded being adorable. It made adults willing to buy him ramen. But in situations like these it could be a bit of a handicap. His prisoner rolled her eyes.
“I told you, I wasn’t looking for you, I was trying to find the local loansharks so that I could convince them not to lend money to Shishou. It never ends well for anyone and I was hoping we might be able to leave town without making a massive scene this time.” She was young, only a little older than Haku, but she had Haku’s air of a child grown up quicker than most. Naruto wondered if that was a ninja thing. Certainly he felt more adult than most of the civilian four year olds he meant. Not as much of an adult as Haku or this girl, but he didn’t understand how the civilian kids could be so innocent. There were ten and twelve year olds that had never even seen anyone killed. It was weird.
It didn’t apply so much here of course. Tanazaku Gai was full of criminals and gangsters, and most of their kids had some introduction to the family business. Even the kids of genuine civilians tended to pick things up. There was no school in Tanazaku Gai and so the kids ran half feral on the streets while their parents worked, and learned all kinds of things ormal civilians didn't. Left with nothing better to do they occupied themselves with petty crime and vandalism targeted at adults, and vicious war waged upon each other. They were Naruto’s kind of people.
It had only taken a few demonstrations of Naruto’s signature brand of mayhem for them to accept him as one of their own. After that it had been the work of days to unite the warring factions under his leadership and start a reign of terror that made most of the local adults break out in a cold sweat at the sight of a toddler. Of course they would probably fragment back into civil war after he left, but still he liked to think he’d taught them some important lessons about teamwork.
But still half feral as they were, even the kids of Tanazaku Gai lacked the hard edge that the ninja children Naruto had met, carried. This girl had it, and that worried Naruto. There was no hitae-ate, so at least she wasn’t a village ninja, Ni-san had warned him about village ninja. But even if she was missing nin, missing nin were an unpredictable bunch and he had no idea who her Shishou was, and where. Ni-san had been very, very clear about what to do in these situations, so he called one of his younger subjects, and told him quietly to fetch Ni-san. Then he turned back around and smiled at his prisoner, and speaking in a grand and kingly voice declared.
“You have trespassed in the realm of the Ramen King. All who venture into this holy place must prove their devotion.” She rolled her eyes, but apparently she didn’t suspect he was shinobi, and was willing to humour him rather than risk killing little kids.
“And how do I do that?”
“You must eat twenty bowls of Ramen in ten minutes!” Naruto grinned. It was a good distraction. Not only would it keep her busy until Ni-san arrived, it would also put her in a good mood. Ramen made everyone feel better. A chill ran down his spine, and he turned to see her glaring at him. Huh, maybe he hadn’t offered enough Ramen.