You don't have to be mad to work here (but it helps)
Kakashi knew better than to try and match Tsunade drink for drink. The woman was a fish. A fraction of what she was drinking would be enough to leave him giggling on the floor. He could only assume some kind of secret healing technique was in play because mere mortals would have collapsed from alcohol poisoning hours ago.
He hadn’t even tried to match Tsunade, but he’d still had a respectable amount. It was a good thing neither of them were rowdy drunks. Getting kicked out of the bar would be embarrassing. Although he wasn’t sure if Tsunade’s particular brand of maudlin drunk wasn’t worse. He had a horrible feeling she might start crying on him. He wasn’t sure exactly what she was talking about. Something about dead relatives, and dead fiances, and no good lying evil teammates. (He still wasn’t sure if she was talking about Orochimaru or Jiraya, or possibly both). At any rate it clearly wasn’t a happy conversation so he felt no guilt over changing the subject.
“So tell me about your cute little student.” Tsunade immediately brightened.
“She iss adorable. Did I ever tell you about the time she fed a loan shark to an actual shark?”
“A shark?”
“Yep. We were at a circus, and he was being annoying, so I told Shizune to make him go away.”
“And she fed him to a shark?” Kakashi wondered if maybe that was a little excessive. Then again Naruto once started a minor religious civil war when he founded a cult in order to solicit ramen donations, so he was probably in no position to make judgements. “I didn’t even know circuses had sharks. Aren’t dolphins meant to be more traditional?”
“Meh, it was in Kiri. Dolphins aren’t mean enough to hack it in Kiri.” Kakashi thought about it a little and decided she had a point. He was going to press for more details. He’d never actually seen anyone eaten by a shark and he was curious. Before he could ask though, a small child came running up to them.
“Excuse me are you Naruto sama’s Kakashi nii san?” She panted, still out of breath.
“Why yes, I am. Why do you ask?” Kakashi’s casual tone masked the sudden tension in his posture.
“Naruto sama told me to tell you to come quickly. He says he caught a ninja spy and now he doesn’t know what to do with her.” Kakashi stood up quickly.
“Where?”
…
Anyone else, Tenzo decided, would be seriously regretting all of their life choices. Tenzo would be too, to be perfectly honest, if it hadn’t been for the fact that he hadn’t actually made all that many life choices, and try as he might he couldn’t think of any that might have resulted in his current position. No, the situation he found himself in was definitely the result of other people’s life choices. It was really quite unfair.
Danzo had spent the last ten minutes ranting, and turning interesting colours. So far Tenzo had seen red, purple, white, and an odd blotchy bluish shade, and learned at least five new swearwords. He suppressed a sigh. Danzo sama had built his reputation on being, clever, manipulative, and in control at all times. He never lost his temper in public. Unfortunately, being sealed to silence meant root operatives didn’t count as public, so Tenzo now had a front row seat to the spectacle of an S ranked ninja throwing a tantrum.
Tenzo had actually rather liked Uchiha Itachi. Most Anbu did. He was cute, in a dangerously homicidal sort of way. Of course he couldn’t say that to Danzo. Not since the thing where Itachi chan killed his whole family and kidnapped his brother. Danzo really wasn’t happy with Itachi chan.
Tenzo had mostly tuned out the specifics, but the words “double crossing, childstealing, obsessive little psycho”, featured heavily. All of it was true of course, but Tenzo couldn’t help thinking that Danzo was really taking it all a little personally. It wasn’t as if it was Danzo’s family he’d killed, Danzo hadn’t even liked the Uchiha all that much. Although maybe that was the point, some ninja got weirdly possessive about rivalries. They had no problem murdering, torturing, and otherwise tormenting their enemies in the worst ways imaginable but God help anyone else that tried to mess with them. Possibly because they were fucked up enough that it was the only kind of relationship they could really commit to.
Danzo was certainly disturbed enough for that. Especially since the Kyuubi attack. The situation with the Hokage was a real strain on him. Not that anyone not brainwashed and sealed to silence would ever know it of course, but most of root was fairly convinced that Hiruzen had been the only person in the world Danzo was genuinely attached to. Root as a whole was convinced that the lack of positive human relationships had caused Danzo to latch onto the Uchiha and generate a mutually destructive, co-dependent rivalry, in order to satisfy his inborn psychosocial need for human connections. (Root members tended to read a lot of pop psychology books).
Although honestly Danzo seemed more annoyed by the kidnapping than the mass murder. But then sometimes ninja priorities could be a bit skewed, Anko for example was perfectly willing to torture people for stealing her dango. Maybe it was something to do with stealing the future of his rivalry or something, Tenzo had long since given up trying to understand what went on in that man’s head.
As Danzo’s rant continued Tenzo wondered whether Itachi might not have had the right idea. Not about the mass murder of course, that was just excessive, but the abandoning the village bit. Certainly, he thought, he wasn’t getting paid enough for this bizzare combination of fear, and deep embarrassment. Fear because S ranked nin in a bad mood are a terrifying thing to encounter, embarrassment, because watching a senior shinobi reduced to a gibbering fury by a fourteen year old was just… awkward.
In fact Tenzo was pretty sure he wasn’t getting paid at all. After all one of the major advantages of a brainwashed army is that you don’t have to pay them properly. He got room and board obviously, and a weapons resupply stipend, but no actual wages. Missing nin got paid. He knew that after plenty of missions chasing them down. In fact they got paid pretty well. Tenzo caught himself wondering how much Kakashi senpai was getting paid these days.
He went off shift still thinking about it. Itachi, and Kakashi, and now he came to think of it there had to be a reason the legendary sannin had all left the village in one way or another. Maybe they were onto something. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d had both the money, and the time off to visit the hot springs. This bore some consideration.
…
Sasuke probably should have been more angry with Itachi nii. He’d left him with a shadow clone, while he got to go off and do cool ninja stuff. Sasuke only found out when he squeezed Itachi so tight the clone burst. That had been terrifying actually. For a moment he’d thought the real Iachi had burst and Sasuke was all alone. Luckily Itachi had rushed back as soon as the memories hit, and arrived back in time to avert a full meltdown. Sasuke was still upset though. Well, until Itachi promised to make it up to him.
And he had. Itachi was the most awesome big brother in the world and he’d found a whole abandoned village for them to practice fire jutsus on. It was amazing. Itachi showed him how to breathe fire, and then he showed him how to do it in different colours, and then he let him burn down the empty police station. Sasuke found that very satisfying. He had always resented how much of his family’s attention was taken up by police work. Actually work in general had always taken up too much of his family’s time. Now that he and Itachi were fugitives from the law, Itachi actually had time to train him like he always promised. Sasuke decided he actually quite liked being a fugitive. He still wasn’t happy about how it happened, but he understood why Itachi had done it, he missed his parents but if he’d had to choose between them and Itachi, he’d always have chosen Itachi. Itachi was his favourite. And now they were fugitives, they could spend time burning down villages together instead of having to do homework or missions all the time. It was better this way.
He gasped as he watched Itachi create a dragon out of whirling flames and handsigns, and smile at the way the fire danced to his will. It was so cool. Then he started showing Sasuke how to set explosive tags. He even let Sasuke set them off. Itachi was definitely the coolest big brother in the world. Maybe if he was really good, Itachi would let him burn down the school.
…
Tsunade wasn’t laughing at her apprentice. Really she wasn’t. If she did that Shizune would probably hide her sake for a week. She was very tempted though.
The brat Kakashi was under no such compunctions. The sight of a skilled young ninja trussed up in skipping ropes by a horde of small children and surrounded by more empty ramen bowls than anyone sane would consider eating, had him breaking out in unashamed giggles. The fact that a small blonde child that called him nii san seemed to be in charge of the whole situation was probably a contributing factor.
Once the adults had managed to pull themselves together and convince Naruto to let Shizune loose, he suggested they all go grab some lunch at the nearest ramen stand.
The look in Shizune’s eyes promised bloody vengeance.
She kept glaring all through lunch. In the end Tsunade decided to just tune it out. It was a learning experience after all. Probably even counted as torture resistance training. Besides Naruto was every bit as cute as Kakashi had claimed. With big innocent eyes that were a dead match for Minato’s, and a wicked smile that reminded her so much of Kushina that it hurt. No wonder Kakashi had decided to steal him away. If Konoha had become so bitter and twisted that they couldn’t appreciate that kind of adorability then she was glad she’d left. She wondered idly if any other jounins would have the sense to follow her and Kakashi’s example.
It hurt, that she hadn’t known Kushina had a son, that she hadn’t been there for him, but when she saw how he cuddled up to Kakashi while babbling excitedly about his little minions, she decided that in the end it wasn’t important. Kakashi clearly took good care of him, would likely burn the world down for his sake, and even if she was a little late in offering support, she was here now. She exchanged summons details with Kakashi, and made him promise to call if either he or Naruto ever needed her help.
Her sweet little Shizune had thawed out a little over the course of the meal and by the end of it was involved in an intense whispered conversation with Naruto. Moments later she and Kakashi found themselves hit by a barrage of paper aeroplanes. She was pretty sure the idea was Naruto’s but the execution was all Shizune. It was good to see her indulging her talent for origami.
Watching the two of them laughing, Tsunade was struck by young Shizune was, and she was glad all over again that she’d decided to steal her away from Konoha. Hidden villages eat their children, and if Tsunade had anything to say about it Shizune would never have to find that out the hard way.
Of course, young as Shizune might have been she was still a ninja, and she was smiling as they left town so Tsunade had to ask.
“So what exactly did you do to the brat?” Shizune just blinked innocently.
“Nothing he won’t recover from.”
Back in Tanazaku Gai Naruto woke to find that all his precious orange jumpsuits had been dyed neon pink. When he complained, Kakashi nii san had just ruffled his hair.
“Maa Naruto, this is an important life lesson, if you make a woman angry, she will always find a way to make you suffer.” Then he smiled. “Besides, I think the pink rather suits you.”
…
Halfway across the continent Haku received a letter. He turned it over and examined it for traps, but in the end curiosity drove him to open it. He sighed. He really should have guessed Naruto had something to do with it.
Dear Haku san
My name is Shizune, and I was wondering if you’d be willing to be my pen pal. I realise this letter must be unexpected, but Naruto gave me your details and I thought it would be nice to talk to someone who understands the sheer insane force of nature that is Hatake Naruto. I met him a couple of days ago and in that time he led an army of small children in capturing me, tying me up, and force feeding me truly obscene amounts of ramen, he used said children to launch a reign of terror on one of the most notorious vice towns in fire country, and he managed to manipulate my shishou into thinking he’s an innocent little angel. And yet despite all that I still think he’s adorable. Please tell me I’m not the only one who’s had to deal with this sort of thing.
I am ten years old and have an interest in origami, poisons, senbon, healing jutsu, and tea ceremonies. I travel widely with my shishou, but you can reach me by summons at any time (details enclosed) If you would like to be my penpal, please write back and tell me about yourself. I only know what Naruto told me, and as i’m sure you know he can be a bit… excitable.
Yours sincerely Shizune.
Haku thought about it for a while, but honestly it really would be nice to have a sensible friend. Especially one who understood the sheer insanity that was an encounter with Naruto. He loved travelling with Zabuza sama but it would be nice to have someone his own age to talk to. He picked up a brush and started writing.