OURAN you glad you died??
Haruhi stumbled through the trees blindly, tree branches slapping her in the face and cutting her arms. Ranpo’s blood was quickly drying on her skin, the smell of his life force wafting into her nostrils.
“Where am I even goning?” she muttered to herself, tripping over fallen branches and a sleeping Zoro disguised as a moss covered log.
She looked around, dazed, the forest floor spinning. Haruhi knew she was running, but she felt sluggish and slow, as if she was moving through water.
“How did we all get here? Were we DRUGGED?” she thought to herself frantically. She had NEVER taken drugs before!
Someone who had taken drugs before, though, was Tamaki. He was having an absolutely fine time navigating the forest, unlike the rest of the Oxbridge gang!
“Yo Kyoya!” Tamaki hollered, “We should like totally team up to figure all of this out??? Like where are we? Does someone have a map on how to get back to school??”
“Prof Shanks is totalllyyyyy gonna give us detention for this,” someone shouted from the trees, their voice echoing as they naruto jumped from tree to tree.
Naruto looked up to the tree line, catching sight of a heavy black cloak and covered arms hopping from tree to tree in the classic naruto run. But what was that young man doing? Naruto put a hand to his head, trying to relieve the ache. That kid looked like an IDIOT! Who would run like that???
In such a fashion numerous alliances were formed, students stumbling into each other in their hazy state and taking refuge, relying on their power of numbers to get them through such a trying and confusing ordeal.
Haruhi continued stumbling through the forest, panting, out of breath. Her vision was distorted, trees shifting in time with her pulse until it was impossible to gauge their location.
Then she felt a shiver run through her spine.
Was someone watching her?
Haruhi paused, turning around slowly. Using the power of eyesight, she searched the foliage around her.
“Looking for THIS?” someone leered.
“Wat?”
“THIS!”
Haruhi squinted, though she couldn't see what the other person was holding.
Pink hair. “Yuno? Is that you?”
“NANI? No! BAKA! IT WAS A-MEEEEE, DIO!”
“Dio?” Haruhi’s vision shifted again, and the odd sensation of gravity weighing on her and (wind? Some resistance?) that she suddenly fell through, landing on her side.
“DIO DEEZ NUTZ! HAHAHAH GOT EEM!”
“Are you…” Haruhi squinted “Real?”
“As real as the grass I’m eating!”
“Ohhhh, Sakura?” Haruhi nodded. “Whatchu got there?” Haruhi humoured the idiot.
Sakura leaned against one tree, twirling something long in her hand. Through stuttered glances Haruhi noticed the other girl’s malicious expression, the callous smirk on her face, the way she flicked her hair as if it was pretty or something (everyone knew how big her forehead was, like yeesh).
“MY SALVATION ARMY PENCIL! I never thought I would see it again after Dazai in Tamaki-senpai’s body borrowed it and never gave it back all the waaaaay back in the first arc of this fanfiction. Remember that guys?” Haruhi turned and winked at the audience- y/n, watching through her computer screen.
“How could I forget?” Kid Luffy chuckled, watching on from his throne, stroking Louis’ head. The famous Beastar had his head lent in the boy’s lap and purred at his petting.
“Would you like it back?” Sakura taunted.
“Uh,” Haruhi shrugged, “It seems a little useless to have a pencil in the forest? So...not really?” She stayed laying on the floor. The view was better from there anyway, and maybe laying down for a while would calm her odd bout of vertigo.
“Are you SURE? ;)” Sakura asked again, voice rising in pitch.
“Very,” Haruhi nodded, “Knock yourself out.”
“I THINK YOU WANT YOUR PENCIL BACK!!” Sakura said with heightening excitement.
“I really don’t. They’re free if you steal them from the Salvation Army store.”
“SAY YOU WANT IT!”
Haruhi shrugged, “Sure, if you want to give it back to me so bad I won't - say no, per se.”
“So that’s a YES?”
“Fine, it’s a yes,” Haruhi finally relented, holding a quivering hand up, “Give me my pencil.”
“AH-HA!” Sakura cried in achievement. She held aloft the pencil in the air. The sun caught her eyes, glinting, her lips pulled back in a menacing smile, hair ragged around her face.
Haruhi looked on in confusion, barely keeping up with what was happening, vision still blurring in and out as she took in Sakura’s maddened face in one instant - and - without the opportunity to act in flashes of vision - heard the girl’s heavy footfall as she ran toward her.
With one swift movement, Sakura plunged the pencil into Haruhi’s eye.
“HERE YOU GO!” she screamed, twisting the wooden pencil, the snapping sound of the eye popping from the force.
The pain staggered. For one moment, Haruhi felt nothing, her shitty vision encompassed by Sakura’s taut smile. Then - the feel of her flesh piercing from the point of the lead, the cutting and aching and deep and earth-shattering feeling deep in her eye - as if -
Her jaw fell open and Haruhi felt her tongue vibrate, and she was the only one who could not hear her own rattling screams.
“Can someone sort the feedback from the audio?” Ace winced, muttering into his earpiece and tapping his pen on his clipboard in irritation. For the first time he was wearing a suit jacket and tie, though his shirt was of course unbuttoned to reveal his glistening abs.
Luffy looked over from his Head Gamemaker seat to his assistant standing by the doorway. “Yes, Haruhi screams louder than I thought she would. Good thing I never brought her down to the Oxbridge torture chambers, I hate wearing sound-cancelling ear pieces.” He rubbed his fingers between Louis’ ear. “Good Beastar,” he cooed, “What a good Beastar.”
Sakura pulled the pencil back, lifted it above her head again, then struck back down. The pencil pierced Haruhi’s shoulder, digging into the tendon, the small hole pumping out blood as Sakura pulled the instrument back out. She stabbed back down, again and again. Her stomach, her cheek, her thighs, not One Piece of her body was spared from Sakura’s attack.
Haruhi layed limply on the floor, accepting the onslaught of pain and the humiliation of being stabbed with her own pencil. Oh, how she wanted salvation from this pain!!! Just like a deer in headlights, she felt frozen to the ground with fear.
“Yo yo yoooo!” Clay shouted, cupping his hands over his mouth.
(Luffy waved a hand and his assistant/DJ immediately dropped a hella fire beat.)
*Boom clap boom di clap di clap boom boom clap* (sfx)
“Well, well, well, would you lookie here
But don’tcha hop on, dear
Tis ma bad bitch Sakuraaaa
Stabbing a commoner girl (waaaaaaaaa)
with a mechanical lead pencil
(Ain’t that a strange murder utensil?)
in the middle of these here Oxbridge Hunger Gaaaayyyyyy-mes
Woah
Oh hey gurl, it's Haruhi of the Host club
(Woo! )
Most popular member - at least on Pornhub
(Oooooh)
Natural Host?
More like natural ho
(Oh!)
Kiss kiss falling in love like it's a dating show!
Why settle for a man
When you can have six of 'em?
(whut)
Catching men like Pokemon
for your lil' reverse harem
(slut)
'I'mnot like other girls'
- but that's cause you look like a twink
And does your old man know
About your boyfriend's 'Daddy' kink?
You can claim to be a feminist
But you'd barely pass the Bechdel test
When the story of your life is all about male love interests
Alas, in the end
You know what's the saddest thing?
To all the boys you loved before
You were just their gay awakening
(waaaaaaaaaaaaa)
Now, the Hunger Games just started
But for you they're already over
And you'll meet the same end
as the Uchiha clan and your mother
Ninja girl gon' be longrunning to the final like it's a shounen
(Believe it!)
But your harem-mc ass couldn't even make it to the second season!
Word.”
(sfx end)
Clay posed in the rapper squat.
(Sakura had to remind herself to breathe. UNNGGGFFF Clay was so hot.)
“Clay,” she acknowledged coldly, tone careful not to betray her lust.
Such horniness was a weakness that could and would be used against you in the treacherous these here Hunger Gays (as alas many a gay would soon cum to learn...)
“Saks, bruv, you’re so FUCKING good at stabbing people! Why dontcha TAG ME IN on some of this action - like a good little slut,” he brandished his axe sexily raising it to his mouth to run a long, thick tongue across the unhygienic metal Miley-Cyrus-style, eyes glinting manically with glee, readying himself for a stabbing.
“Uuhhhhh, no way jose”, Sakura flipped her hair sassily, “Go get your own murder victim! Buuut you know -” she winked with both eyes, “Is it really murder if the victim consents?? This bia-tch was SO thirsty to get penetrated by her own pencil, like -”
“GUUURRLLL!,” Clay high-fived her, “Let's go get me some consenting murder victims! I think that suicidal bia-tch Dazai might be around here somewhere!”
“HOLLA!” Sakura hollered, “You run ahead Clay Pot I wanna watch your ass jiggle. Yo h8 to see them leave, luv to watchem go!”
“And you’d be blessed with the sight,” he winked, tongue sticking out as he trotted away, ass jiggling like jelly.
Sakura wolf-whistled, hot on his heels, but her flat ass unfortunately moved like cardboard.
After such a display, Haruhi begged for death.
But alas, death did not cum. Instead she was left on the edge, edging towards oblivion, on the very tip of ecstasy.
Haruhi’s first instinct was to call for help. But who would bother to come to her aid? Or worse, what if someone else appeared to finish the job?
“No,” she thought to herself ruefully, “I’ll have to save myself, in these here Hunger Games.”
She dragged herself across the forest floor, wincing with every movement, her muscles screaming at her to stop. As if they had a voice. But no. Her fingers dug into the earth, feeling the soil get stuck under nails. Soiled, if you will. Feeling every twig and stone scratch her body as she continued her snail pace across the ground. But Haruhi gritted her teeth. She may be nothing better than a commoner, but she couldn't give up now. Not when they were so close to graduating Oxbridge. All she had to do was to survive, and then graduation would be within her reach.
After hours of heaving herself along the floor, she reached a shallow hollow beneath a well shaded tree. She propped herself up against it, surveying the distance she had managed to travel.
A whole 6 feet.
“By socially distancing myself from the scene of my stabbing, I will be protecting myself from more stabbings,” Haurhi said to herself. Outloud. Like some kind of anime protagonist.
Now that she was in a safer position, Haruhi began to check her injuries.
“I have counted precisely 69 stab wounds,” she announced to herself. Luckily the bleeding had mostly stopped, and the wounds were not too deep. “The most troubling injury now is my destroyed eye orb. With my vision severely impaired this early on in the games, how can I expect to survive?” she sighed.
“Perhaps, I'll stay here a while. Just to rest my eye…” After all, she only had one of them now.
Time passed hazily, Haruhi fading in and out of consciousness. Being edged closer to sleep with each swathe of unconsciousness.
When she awoke, night had set in. She groaned from the pain, every one her holes aching. She slapped her lips together, her mouth dry, lips cracked from dehydration. There was a pounding in her head and her joints twinged in pain. Her abdomen spasmed. She could feel her blood pressure was down and sensed a decreased sperm count. Zero.
The rational part of her insisted that she get up NOW, that she had to move. She needed water, to clean her wounds, check for infection, find a weapon. But she had no energy to get up. It was almost like she had been stabbed 69 times. Did one normally feel this way after a meagre stabbing? Nay, this couldn’t be right.
Was she feeling like this just because of the blood loss? Or was something else going on?
Blurrily she looked around her, searching for something...
With her one good orb, she spotted her discarded Salvation Army pencil.
Could it be???
LEAD POISONING?????????????????????????????
DUN
DUN
DUUUUUUUUN
Normally a single puncture wound from a lead pencil would be harmless. But 69 of them??? The lead was flowing around her bloodstream, killing her. That would account for ALL her symptoms. Her decreased sperm count. An entire zero spermies were swimming inside her right now. Her decreased blood pressure. Not because she had LOST blood. But because that selfish BITCH Sakura had accidentally poisoned her.
When focusing on her insides, she could feel each of her organs turning themselves off, like a light bulb being flicked off at the switch. She felt it when her liver turned off, felt the jaundice kick in. And when her kidneys went bye bye, she felt the diabetes slowly flood her bloodstream. WHERE WAS THE CLOSEST DIALYSIS MACHINE??? No more red meat for Haruhi. A lyfe with no red meat. No deer leg ramen. Woe is me, no more deers to eat while maintaining eye contact with Chopper.
She wheezed and panted, guttural sounds emerging from her dry throat. If she were to die on this here day in these here Hunger Games it would not be without clutching the weapon that had killed her. She wanted to stare her murderer in the eye one last time. She wanted to level them.
NAY, one could say she wanted her last moments to be spent overpowering he who had tried to kill her off.
SHE was the strongest predator in these here Hunger Games woods.
She reached forward, dropping onto her stomach in the leafy foliage, dragging herself back. Back to grasp at that murderous pencil.
She held it aloft in her hand, the shaft catching the moonlight that dappled through the leaves of the surrounding trees.
“Parting is such sweet sorrow,” she cried, voice quivering, “I shall say goodnight...till it be morrow.” The pencil snapped in her fist with a crunch. The two broken pieces fell to the ground in almost slow motion, the echoing boom of their landing ringing around the clearing.
There! She had bested her biggest rival, the thing that had dared to kill her. Alas she would never steal from the Salvation Army again, not if thievery would result in her own death. Because she could see it coming on her now. The way death gripped her in its mighty claws. The grim muddled in her vision, the shadowy figure of a black dog that clawed closer to her in her final movements.
“The grim!” she moaned, trying to keep her eyes open until her final breath.
(Shougo giggled. Commoners really did say the most amusing things about him.)
Her head fell to the ground, landing beside the broken pencil, the two enemies finally finding peace in their moment of death.
Her death, so entirely unremarkable, was only the second of the mighty Hunger Games. But twas most certainly not the stupidest.