A Stroke Of Genius
The shadows of the alley closed in around them. The noise and bustle of the busy street they were on fell away behind them.
The group had lapsed back into silence, until they heard a voice drift towards them from up ahead.
“Well, well, well. Who do we have here then?” the voice asked. His body was obscured by a particularly dark shadow.
All around, the narrow street was filled with accompanying laughter. It didn't take a genius to realise they had been surrounded.
“Have we been surrounded?” Victor gasped, holding the young cultivator tighter to his chest. Flowers swam in the background, illuminating the scene about Victor’s body - the dark crates, the broken wooden beams, random debris, the young Lan cultivator’s red blood soaking into Victor’s shirt and staining the boy’s face and down his neck.
The others ignored him.
But the shadowed figures laughed again, and then began clicking their fingers together aggressively and rhythmically. Hawkeye couldn't help but tap his foot to the catchy beat.
“Show yourself!” Shanks set the pig down and gripped the hilt of his sword, moving forward in front of Victor (the most vulnerable member of the 420 gang).
The man stepped forward casually into a beam of light.
The man smirked and began to speak, “Yo, yo yo! I’m ya boi, Chrollo! And this here is ma main posse! The Phantom Troupe.”
Shanks covered his mouth with his fist, clearly trying to hold back a laugh. But upon meeting Kakashi’s illuminated sharingan eye Shanks’ laughter came out, and suddenly fell to his knees in peals of laughter, chest shaking as tears streamed down his face.
Levi pointed toward the Troupe, other hand on his chest, not even hiding the object of his humour.
The shadowed figures moved into the light, misinterpreting the snickers for friendly smiles.
“Yoooooo! It's my main man, Hawkeye!” Pakunoda smiled, grabbing Hawkeye’s hand and bumping shoulders in greeting. Hawkeye pulled out of his grasp and sanitised his hands, ew gross.
“That wickity wack show you put on last night was hella steampunk, dude!” Phinks cried, slapping Hawkeye on the back.
Hawkeye looked at his companions in confusion, raising an eyebrow. Shanks just shrugged in response.
“Yo yoooooo my mans!” Nobunaga’s voice was oddly monotone for his phrasing, pointing to Tomoe, “You brought your twink here for round two?” he licked his lips.
Tomoe’s stomach dropped. Had Deus been there??
Levi snorted, pointing to his friend, “Broooooo I totally wish we remembered last night!” Clearly Tomoe had gotten mad pokkle’s pocket, a night of absolute decadence.
“You forgot?” Nobunaga said, staring at Levi meaningfully, “We can have a round two, if you want.”
“Wait…” Tomoe wasn’t sure if this was better or worse than fucking the time god Deus - better, surely, but what of his best friend Levi? “You mean to say…”
“Me, you, the crackhead,” Nobunaga pointed to each himself, Tomoe, and Levi in turn, “The back of my white van, on top of all of the Kurta eyes, with the entire Troupe watching and cheering. Chrollo gave us one of his rare fingerings. Feitan wanted to join in but there was no room in the white van as the three of us were twined in a battle for pleasure, and I must say...we all won.”
Mustang adjusted his collar, trying not to picture the image of Tomoe’s pale skin blushing red with pleasure, how his cat ears would quiver, his tail wrapping around Mustang’s body to pull him in closer...At the same time, the jealousy like pure petrol, welling in Mustang’s stomach; his throat burned.
Fukuzawa stepped forward, interrupting the conversation by clearing his throat pointedly. What his teachers chose to do in their spare time was of no consequence to him. Especially now, when Ayato was still missing. “We need to know what happened last night.”
Chrollo nodded, face giving away nothing.
Machi stepped forward. “Last night all of you guys- minus the pig and the dying man- arrived on our turf, with the police detective, Nishijima. He was naked. He has a tendency to do that when he gets drunk,” she shook her head disgustingly. “His wife would be ashamed of him if she knew the kinds of things he’d done when drunk. Anyway, you bought a substantial amount of coke-”
Uvogin- the famous reporter- snorted, “I honestly don’t get how you guys are still alive.”
Machi glared at him slightly for interrupting before continuing, “and then we challenged you to rap and dance off, as we do to all our customers.”
“And maaaaaaan, what a performance it was!” Franklin sighed.
“Hawkeye-san has a voice like an angel,” Uvogin whispered, his eyelashes fluttering close at the memory.
“And the dancing?” Phinks added, turning to the others. The Troupe nodded in agreement.
“Amazing. Out of this world. That must be where Chuuya-chan learnt it from,” Nobunaga said, trembling at the mere memory.
None of the troupe would ever be able to forget the kawaii Chuuya-chan. THAT DANCE! The way he advanced! He had proceeded right into their hearts.
“Mmm, he has a good voice,” Hawkeye said, dead-pan.
“You should tell him that,” Shanks encouraged. He gazed up at the sky, thinking back to one of the darkest periods in Oxbridge history. A time where the halls of Oxbridge - once filled with song and cheer - had been silent. There was death, despair, and hopelessness - but most tragically there was no one singing ominous music to accompany it. For when Chuuya had given up singing, there had been no one - NO ONE - to provide a soundtrack for every moment they lived through. Shanks knew Oxbridge would never be able to survive such calamitous times again. And he was going to make damn sure such a situation would never again arise.
“What purpose would that possibly serve?” replied Hawkeye, truly curious.
Shanks sighed, looking up at the stars that were not visible during the daytime. For now, they did not predict misfortune - it was still safe. Shanks would just praise Chuuya himself if he remembered to. Unfortunately, the stars foretold he would be too hungover.
“And as congratulations for your amazing performance we gave you the Kurta eyes,” Nobunaga continued.
“ALL the eyes!” Pakunoda added, admiration twinkling in her eyes. “You deserved them all, all the ones we had left.”
“Honk! That explains all the eyes we found in the boot of our car right!” Hawk exclaimed. “But why was Nishjima in the boot?”
“You say you've forgotten all of last night?” Chrollo asked with a smirk, watching the teachers’ exchange.
“Yeah…?” Kakashi asked.
“Then we must challenge you again! We won't let you leave until this is over!”
“We won't lose this time!” Feitan hissed.
“Aren’t we supposed to be looking for Ayato?” Victor said with quiet urgency, “This young man is bleeding out in my arms and Soma-kun is still missing, yet we spend our time dilly-dallying in some random alleyway, learning of Tomoe’s many sexual exploits and the unsurprising news that the music teacher is good at singing.”
Mustang glowered at Victor - how dare he talk about Tomoe’s slutty ways in a tone other than affectionate?
“Franklin, lay a beat down!” Feitan snapped.
Franklin raised his lumbering hands to his face and started to beatbox.
The Troupe started grooving to the beat, swinging and thrusting their hips.
Feitan stepped forward, and without hesitation started to rap fluently.
“My name is Feitan,
And I'm just statin’,
Gonna get malaria,
It far scarier,
Than typhoid,
Falling into the void,
OF POVERTY!”
The last line was screamed by the entire Phantom Troupe, clearly they thought it was hella steampunk.
“Booyah!” the Troupe cried, high fiving each other. “That was HELLA steampunk!”
Hawkeye full-body cringed. He made no attempt to hide his disgust, “That was atrocious. You would never be accepted into Oxbridge.” it was true that Hawkeye was very picky about admissions. After all, he had only accepted one student.
“OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODDDDDDDDDDDDD,” Fukuzawa groaned, tipping his head up toward the sky, his silver hair glimmering under dashes of sunlight, face losing its pale drug-induced pallor and returning to rejuvenated wrinkles, “Make it STOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOPPP!”
Kaname audibly yawned.
“Right, bye guys, thanks for the help,” Shanks said, waving casually over his shoulder. No intel was worth this, worth listening to their insufferable wailing.
“Huh? You can't leave! Not until you sing!” Phinks shouted angrily, a vein popping out on forehead.
“Riggghhhttt,” Kakashi said slowly, as if talking to people who did not understand. “Bye now.”
“STOP!” Chrollo screamed, voice cracking, “You must sing! It is the way of the Troupe, the way my father did it, the way his father did it (may that bastard rot in hell), the way HIS father did it, ever since the dawn of man. When the Troupe tells you to sing, you respond in -”
“Rap, rap, rap, rap,” they all ominously started chanting from behind Chrollo, snapping their fingers and stamping their feet in time.
“Oh yeah? And how are you gonna stop us?” Kakashi asked casually.
The Phantom Troupe growled and squared their shoulders, their nen aura beginning to surround them threateningly.
“No one escapes the Phantom Troupe. Not here. Not now!” Uvogin hollered, spittle flying from his lips. “I’ll rip trash like you to shreds!” he grinned, baring his teeth.
Hawkeye pulled out his formal sword, sighing, and stabbed Chrollo in the forehead right through his bizarrely biblical tattoo.
All of the Troupe members gasped comically, hands over their mouths.
“This is treason!” Feitan pointed accusingly to Hawkeye.
“I’ll make it high treason if you want,” Levi remarked, pulling out a spliff.
Feitan’s face fell, his eyes squinting in the pale light. His squinted eyes met Levi’s squinted eyes. Last night he had felt a kinship to this man, to all of the oxbridge teachers, but particularly Levi who he watched have sex with Nobunaga and the fox spirit. He had started to think he was finally beginning to understand what a family was. But now it was no more.
Chrollo’s knees buckled and he fell to the floor, palms before him, eyes wide open as blood dripped onto his hands.
“The king has fallen” among other such whispers were passed among the Troupe as they all watched on in fear and trepidation,
Hawkeye seemed inconvenienced, looking down at his dripping red sword. He hadn’t brought the necessary cleaning equipment for his formal katana, only that for his regular swords, how would he administer the correct treatment for this?
“You take him,” a Troupe Member cried, “Then you take us all!” she pulled out his deer weapon, a vacuum cleaner, and flipped the ‘on’ switch.
“Oooooh-kaayyyy crazy,” Kakashi rubbed his hands together, pulling down his mask. A red beam of light came out of his Sharingan eye, his laser-eye instantly frying the Troupe’s knees. It probably wouldn’t do any permanent damage. Maybe.
“nOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO,” Feitan screamed, the sound echoing through the alleyway, falling flat on his face just like his other comrades had. The only one Kakashi didn’t laser eye was Nobunaga, he looked like he might be useful later winky face.
“Bwahahahahaha,” cackled Hawk the pig, whom everyone had forgotten was there, “challenge ME will you? BITCH BOYS, I’m the captain of the scraps disposal! Tremble before me, beg for your lives, plead for my mercy-”
Tomoe kicked the ugly pig to shut him up.
“Tell me one thing,” Fukuzawa said, crouching by Troupe Member 1’s fallen body. “Was Ayato with us last night? Did you see him leave with us?”
The Phantom Troupe member groaned, coughing up blood. “Y-y-yes,” he gasped. “He, he left with you guys.”
“And where were we going?” Fukuzawa continued questioning.
When the Phantom Troupe member remained silent, Fuuzawa jabbed him with the hilt of sword, eyes narrowing angrily. When the fallen gangsta caught the anger smoldering those silver eyes, he squealed, overwhelmed by the emotion in them. What did Ayato mean to this man? Were they lovers, or was their bond deeper than that, deeper than sex, more ful-filling than fucking???? Whatever it was the Troupe member had never seen so much evil intent in one gayze, not until he met this man who was looking for someone he deeply loved.
“I d-don't know!” he coughed.
“Are you sure?” Fukuzawa pressed. “Surely you heard something?”
“Everyone got in the car and left! You threw Nishijima into the boot because no one wanted him to sit on their lap while he had no clothes on! And there was no room, Ihsusta was tied to the roof! You guys sure are crazy bastards, and that was after I fingered those three in the white van down there,” a half-dead Chrollo piped up, cheek on the tarmac, voice jovially loud.
Victor pushed his way forward, trying not to juggle the young cultivators body in his grip too much, “Was Soma with us?” He asked desperately, “He’s a lean Indian young lad with smooth tan skin and -“
“No,” Chrollo coughed, “It was just you guys. I would remember a tanned Indian fellow...Indians are so hard to come by these days.”
“Thank you for your honesty. Would you like this pig as a coken - hem hem - TOken - of our gratitude? I promise you it’s not cannibalism,” Kaname offered sweetly, leaning down to talk to Chrollo.
“Y-you!” Chrollo spat, trying to turn his head to look at the man, “Kaname!”
“Yes,” Kaname puffed out his chest, clearly satisfied, “Tis I. Your rival coke dealer. Now these endz our mine, you’ll have to take your business elsewhere.”
“No,” Chrollo gasped, “No!”
“Yes,” Kaname cackled, “It was my plan all along. You see I bought that young sweet farmer Kenji’s land, giving all of the money to the charity Potato Chips for Prisons. But was the work I conducted there charitable? No!” Kaname threw his hands into the sky, his priestly gown flowing in the breeze, “It was all a front for my cocaine business, a flourishing enterprise! And I stole all of your custom from right under your nose.”
“L-Levi?” Chrollo gasped, “You’d betray me for this man? You’d buy his cocaine?”
“Yes.”
“No-no worry,” Chrollo coughed, “We still have my dear lovely boy Kurapika, addicted that boy is to our coke, simply one deal away from him trading his own Kurta eyes for a key of cocaine. Don’t you dare foil my plans!”
“Consider them foiled,” Kaname howled, hands held up toward the sky. A blackbird with red eyes and a human finger in its beak swooped down, landing on Kaname’s hand, staring at Chrollo with its head tipped to the side.
Chrollo gulped. “K-Kurapika?” he whined, looking at the bird with red eyes, for who else could it be? That poor, deer boi. He was like a son to Chrollo.
“Yes,” Kaname said with pride, stroking the bird’s head. It tittered in his grip, nuzzling his hand before turning to Chrollo and staring at him.
Fukazawa looked at Kaname with pride. Once a common Paedophiles Anonymous attendee with a reality TV show called Keeping up With Kaname, he was now a disastrously dramatic boyo, perhaps this scene rivalled Fukazawa himself. ‘I have taught you well, kohai,’ Fukazawa thought, smiling gently to himself.
“We have to go,” Victor said to the crowd, “Soma, my soon-to-be-husband, is missing!!! And don’t forget Ayato is still waiting for us. And I must put this Kurta eye into this young man’s missing eye hole and find someone with medical abilities to heal him. Gah, where is my fiancee, that young sexy Indian prince!”
The teachers turned and started walking away, stepping over the fallen bodies of the Phantom Troupe members, with no direction in mind, only a desire to find their closest companion Ayato.
Nobunaga looked at his fallen comrades. Wow, staying with them would be soooo boring. He shrugged and followed after the teachers.
“Please,” Chrollo coughed blood, “Call an ambulance.”
An ambulance? What was the point, that fellow Nishijima was the entirety of the police force, and without him manning the switchboard no one would be able to pass Nobunaga’s calls onto the ambulance people.
“I’ll try,” Nobunaga promised, fondly ruffling Chrollo’s hair as he passed his soon-to-be corpse.
“Ugh,” Kaname said as soon as they were out of the earshot of the Troupe, shaking his hand. The red-eyed bird flew off it, hopping around, Kaname’s expression one of upmost disgust. “What a disgusting creature.”
“Don’t say that,” Levi hissed, “Kurapika might hear you.” Levi reached for the bird. Ihsusta hissed with jealousy, Levi reaching for another animal was simply treachery.
“That’s not Kurapika,” Kakashi said with a fond tone, “It’s just your friendly neighbourhood bird with Sharingan eyes.” when no one was looking Kakashi winked at the bird, muttering ‘I won’t tell Sasuke you’re here, Itachi.’ The bird winked back.
“Then whose bird is it?” Levi gasped.
“No fucking clue. It just appeared. And now it's gone. Thank Pokkle,” Kaname muttered, rolling his prayer beads.
The group fell into silence. They had been walking down the street until now, when they all stopped, turning over their situation in their minds, wondering where Ayato was now. How will they find him when the trial gone cold?
“And for the record,” Kaname said, every inch the cocaine dealer, “I’d never sell to Sheffield Harem. They disgust me.”
No one responded, the silence still heavy between them.
But then the silence was broken, shattered like the many walls of Oxbridge. It was a shrill sound.
Victor jumped. “What- what is that sound?”
“I- I think it’s coming from that phone,” Fukuzawa replied ominously, a long slender finger pointing to the phone booth that stood on the corner of the empty street.
“What in commoner’s hell is that?” Shanks asked in awe.