Coke And Dagger
“Chuuya, start singing! This is going to be dramatic,” Hawkeye, the music teacher, ordered.
Kaname barely watched the exchange, eyes blazing with a disastrous sexual desire - twas not everyday that his favourite underage-looking student was sent to the brothel. What was Kenji’s pocket like, Kaname wondered - was he a virgin, would he need coaxing?
“Anything for you professor,” Chuuya tried to tamper down his excitement. His lilting voice carried through the hall, striking anxiety in everyone that heard it. What was about to happen?
Sanji looked at Chuuya with hearts in his eyes, repeating ‘no-homo’ in his thoughts like a metronome to keep the gay at bay.
“We know who took Chopper’s leg,” Fukuzawa announced.
Zoro scratched the back of his head awkwardly, looking to the other students who all shared the same expression of confusion.
“Like, after you guys came back from Knottingham Trent?” Shanks looked at his students in exasperation, “You all launched an investigation to find out who did it, does no one remember?”
A low muttering started in the hall. One person would remember something, then another, then another - soon a hum of ‘uh-huh’ and nodding began, the students slowly exposing this Chopper-related event from the depths of their psyche. They had all made the express effort to forget him and his existence.
“Uh duh, it was Ayato!” Kunikida tutted. “Has the old man finally lost his marbles?”
Victor, Shanks, and Sasuke gave Kunikida a glare.
“Noooooooooooooo!” Fukazawa cried, holding his hand up with finality, eyes glimmering passionately, “We have been taken as fools! We have been lied to! We were tricked by a disgusting, wretched little mongrel. Even Atsushi himself would not allow this kind of evil into the depths of his pocket! AND HE IS AMONG US!” Fukuzawa cried, his voice echoing off the stone walls, shattering the stained glass windows. A eerie gust of wind blew through the hall, sending a shudder down the necks of every student gathered. Fukuzawa’s yakata was billowing in the breeze, his ashen hair flowing freely around his grave face. “His feet plod where we plod, his fur shed in hellion swathes where our skin cells belong. And this monster decided to take from us our most precious, most valuable thing!
“OUR SANITY!”
The students peered suspiciously at each other.
Hikaru glared at his twin. Was it Karou?
Karou glared at his twin. Was it Hikaru?
Honey glared at himself. Was it Elise?
Elise glared at herself. Was it Honey?
Kunikida glared at his friend. Was it Kyoya?
Kyoya was ‘unconscious’. Was it Kunny-kun?
Hawkeye glared at his Hawkeye. Was it Hawkeye?
Hawkeye glared at her Hawkeye. Was it Hawkeye?
“IT WAS HIM!” Fukazawa cried, pointing into the crowd, his hand wavering so much that it was impossible who the rael culprit was.
The students all gasped in horror, they couldn’t believe it!
“Come up here!” Fukazawa screamed. A gust of wind under Fukazawa’s legs, no one knew he went commando until this point. Well - Ranpo adjusted his glasses. HE most certainly did.
“CHOOOOOPPPEEEEEEERR!” Shanks shouted, his voice shaking the walls, “YOU HEATHEN! YOU MUTT OF A DEER! ACE, EAT UP-”
“No!” Fukazawa shouted, his hair bobbing about his face, his yukata flying upward and revealing his bareness at increments, “We shan’t have a lynching, not after-”
Kakashi cleared his throat, sending Fukazawa a warning glare.
Sasuke picked up the mutt’s body with a look of deep hatred and disgust, flinging it into the podium where the teachers stood, he landed on one of his antlers and it smashed into dust.
Chopper bleated, how would he seduce a mans without both of his antlers???
“Impossible! WE spent ages figuring out the mystery of where his leg went in the first place! A WHOLE day!’ Soma cried.
Sanji stroked his chin. “But how ever could this mentally challenged mutt commit such a well-planned out crime? And how did he manage to pin it on one of our smartest and greatest professors without anyone figuring it out for so long?”
“It's because you didn't have me!” Ranpo announced smugly, “it’s a case that only I could have solved. My super deduction is the one blessing this school has, isn't that right daddy?”
Fukuzawa nodded, ruffling his son’s hair.
Sasuke’s lips trembled in anger, “Where is he,” he turned to Fukazawa, face torn in pain and earnestness, “Where’s Ayato? Is he coming home?”
Ranpo glared. “First, allow me to reveal what deer-san did. All of you fools played right into his hooves,” Ranpo shook his head.
Chopper tried to flee offstage, but Shanks held him there with a boot on his furry torso.
“Tanizaki, if you will.” Ranpo stood on seriously.
Tanizaki stepped out from the shadows. His shoes ticked with every step, clothes perfectly crisped and ironed, not a hairpin out of place. Hikaru gasped, how dare such a sexy and ginger man exist aside from himself and his twin? But Hikaru couldn’t stand the idea of obliterating his existence, this ginger man was just too delicious.
“T-Tanizaki-kun???” Atsushi’s cheeks turned pink in an embarrassed blush. He’d always assumed that Tanizaki was one of Kid Luffy’s playmates, considering how young he looked and all. He’d completely forgotten Tanizaki was a student!!
“The part time student?” Kunikida sneered. “The foul being, not dedicated to learning or intellect, spending only ‘part of your time’ in the pursuit of academia! Begone thot! What’re you gonna do?”
“I have to have a part time job to look after my sister! My dear deer sister Naomi! The one love of my life! The broth-el is a cruel mistress, but soup making is in my blood!” he cried passionately.
‘What a nice man, he cares so much for his sister’ Kaname thought. His own thoughts turned to his young step sister who he wanted to fuck deerly.
“Tanizaki-kun, if you will,” Ranpo had sent Tanizaki around 100 pages of fanfiction which detailed exactly how the events of ‘the Big Chop’ and was eagerly awaiting for everything to unfold for the students.
Tanizaki nodded silently. Then he activated his ability Light Snow - lights flashed around the students as the moving pictures took form around them, transporting them into the scene itself.
It was a familiar location. The Oxbridge bed chambers. A small two-legged monstrosity lay on his back in the middle of a child-size race at themed crib, two legs absolutely perpendicular to his body, hooves pointed toward the ceiling.
“Where am I?” Tamaki cried, “WHERE AM I??? WHERE AM I?? WHAT’S HAPPENING??” His voice was sharp with panic, still suffering from his cocaine withdrawal as he screamed and nestled his head between his hands to protect his ears and eyes. Everyone else stood in a crowd in Chopper’s bedroom from months ago, back before Chopper had his leg returned, as Tanizaki used his ability to present Ranpo’s findings. Even the present Chopper was there, with all two legs and one antler missing, Shanks’ boot still pinning the mutt down and forcing him to watch. Kyoya laid on the floor, still ‘unconscious’.
The others watched silently on as two men entered the room. One was none other than Clay Jenson, his hooded eyes betraying no emotion. NO EMOTION at all. The other, leading Clay, was cast in shadow, his face undetailed and blurred with no features legible.
The students watched on in glee and confusion as past-Chopper, gripping a saw in one hoof, began to saw away at the other, mindless to the pain that was ensued. Perhaps a lesser creature would be crying out in pain, but he’d already lost two legs and had watched them being consumed by that disgusting maggot Ace. And he’d tried deer leg before, he wasn’t opposed to the corpsification of deer. There was a distinct look of exhilaration and persistence in his eyes, glowing ominously in the dark. Blood was pouring out the deepening wound, splashing onto Chopper’s piss-yellow sheets, occasionally splashing onto his face. But it did not deter him, as he continued to saw off his own leg.
The only noise in the room came from Clay. He had fallen to his knees in anguish, screaming a torturous cry. It was a scream they had all heard him scream in the torture chambers, but they never thought they would have heard it outside. The shadowed man had placed his gloved hands on either side of Clay’s head, forcing him to watch.
“Noooo!” Clay screamed. “Hannah! Pwease! Stop it! Yemerooooo! Yamero! Hannnnnnnaaaaah!”
Finally, it was over. The leg fell detached to the floor, into a pool of its own blood and shed hair. Chopper brayed angrily, and with great difficulty leaned over the bed to scoop it up with his one remaining arm, and then tossed it into the corner of his room among stacks of posters of Louis, the famous Beastar, that he had scattered around his room.
“I’m sure those stupid students will be able to find you eventually,” Chopper whispered to his own amputated leg.
Finally the shadowed man had let Clay go, who staggered out the room in a dazed state.
Chopper hadn't noticed the two men had been in his room at all, too focused on his task, too delirious from snorting that cocaine to numb the pain to see him. He finally fainted from the shock and blood loss, falling into a disturbed sleep.
The faceless man walked swiftly through the room, and with a sequined bin bag wrapped the leg up and dropped it into his Pokkle’s Pocket themed bag. “What a stupid creature you are,” the man’s silky Victorian-English voice uttered in the now silent room. “Leaving your leg behind for anyone to take. But little do you know, you've been exposed. The students at Oxbridge will soon know of your teachery, your lies. They will abandon you, and it will be the beginning of the end that will send the students into chaos. They will no longer be able to trust you, they will start to question each other, causing a divide among the student body that nothing will be able to heal. Meanwhile, I’m sure that peddler Inosuke will be able to dispose of this disgusting leg. You'll never get your leg back, Choppy-chan, I'll make sure of it. After all, I am one HELL of a butler.”
The students gasped. Haven't they heard of this man before?
Tanizaki halted the projection and all the students and teachers looked around, they’d never left the Great Hall at all. Chopper lay squirming under Shanks’ boot, his two legs flailing as he tried to free himself. He was so tense that the combination of his attempts to move his missing legs and the pressure Shanks had on his torso resulting in tensed anal muscles and the release of a perfectly-formed turd on the middle of the podium.
“And now you see,” Ranpo looked up proudly, eyes shut, “It was Chopper all along. Alas if only I had been here instead of saving Kenji’s farm, I could have told you all of this long ago. But as it were my daddy had to figure it all out, he only confided in me upon receiving unquestionable evidence regarding the deer’s guilt.”
The daddy in question was looking at Chopper in unveiled disgust; the teachers all abandoned the podium and left Chopper to flail among his own excrement.
“But who is one hell of a butler?” Atsushi asked, “Who was that man with Clay, the one who wanted us all to hate each other, to end Oxbridge?”
Ranpo barely concealed his smirk, “Unfortunately we might never know. Unless Clay suddenly becomes sane and can relay to us the de-tails of this mysterious man, it’s impossible, even for my super deduction to figure it out. What we do know is that another crime has been solved and I think it’s about time we put another criminal behind bars. I’ll call my buddy in, Nishijima can take it from here.”
Atsushi balked. How many more men would he have to fuck for free to escape prison THIS time when Nishijima re-arrested him???
Pokkle watched the speactable take place from his hell throne. He stroked his tail in confusion, wondering why the all-knowing detective Ranpo-kun had not revealed Sebastian's role in this whole charade. After all, it had been Pokkle that had ordered Sebastian to take the leg in the first place and to reveal Chopper's true personality. It was all a part of his master plan...
“AYATO WAS INNOCENT ALL ALONG!” Victor pointed accusingly at Chopper, “WHAT DID YOU DO?”
The deer bleated, trying to get away with a non-answer.
“OH NO!” Victor screamed, body trembling, “WE ALL KNOW YOU CAN TALK! dON’T ACT ALL INNOCENT NOW, BITCH!”
“WAAAAAAAAAA!” Chopper screamed pitifully, trying to get everyone to pity him. But no one did. In fact no one ever had, not when Ace ate Chopper’s legs, not when everyone ate deer leg soup before him.
“Why did you do it?” Tamaki asked, tears falling down his porcelain face.
“For attention!” Chopper neighed, spitting saliva. “You guys never talk to me! Zoro-senpai never let me marry him! I'm not even in the group chat! Just a week before it happened, it was my birthday! No one knew even though I wore a party hat and badge for the whole day. I kept thinking everyone was pretending and that you were going to throw me a huge surprise party! But it never happened. Just once, I want to go to the brothels with my friends, be bulls deep into a sexi man, and have a laugh with my pals. My buddies. My amigos. But I don't have any! I thought maybe if I did this, you'd unite together to find my leg and it'd get reattached quickly, no problems! And we could bond over it and hang out together after. I didn't know someone would steal the leg away from me!”
“We’re such fools!” Kunikida cried, “How did this happen, how did we not realise, how could we possibly hospitalise the wrong mans??” He gripped his head in agony, tears springing to his eyes, this was not Ideal, no! Oh no!
“He falsified Ayato-sempai’s journal entry for the day. If anyone spared the time to read some of the other entries they would have noticed inconsistencies in handwriting and tone. If you look here,” Ranpo presented Ayato’s diary to his peers, “Ayato’s ‘y’s’ are written with straight sticks downward, whereas Chopper wrote them with slight flicks to the right,” Ranpo presented Chopper’s entry, “Ayato also wrote certain words slightly turned to the left, which is common for a left-handed person, something Chopper also did not pick up on. A decent attempt at mimicking Ayato’s handwriting, certainly. The differences were subtle but not impossible to notice.”
“But why Ayato? Why would you do that to him, after all the help he gave you, the time he gave you in his office to treat you?” Dazai asked.
“I saw how you all looked at him. You all loved him. Adored him. He’d been at this university for only a couple months and already he was more popular than me!” Chopper snarled. “So I had to get rid of him. It was an easy decision really!”
“This whole time we were fooled by you, Chopper. How could we have missed this?” Kaoru asked, ashamed of himself.
“I would like to note that if any of you spared the time to read Ayato’s notes, you would see where he mentions that Chopper has a severe histrionic disorder, characterised by excessive attention-seeking behaviour, which of course means the deer would do anything to get his peers rallied around him.” Ranpo looked to his father for acknowledgement, had he done well? Had he shown Chopper up for the lying disgusting mongrel he was?
Fukazawa’s eyes glimmered with tears. Pride. Anguish. Pain. The wrong man convicted, the right man having shat himself.
“I’LL KILL YOU!” Sasuke screamed, leaping toward Chopper, voice aching and weighted with heartache.
Kakashi, having had his sharingan active for the duration of Ranpo’s monologue, had predicted his movements and intercepted them, grabbing Sasuke by his waist and holding the boi in his arms. His rippling 8-pack was pressed against Sasuke’s back, arms around his torso to hold him back. Sasuke grappled for freedom, trying to reach for Chopper and kicking,
“I’LL KILL YOU! I’VE DONE IT BEFORE, I’VE MURDERED BEFORE, AND I’LL KILL AGAIN! HOW COULD YOU!!”
“Sasuke,” Kakashi muttered in his ear, “Calm down. It’s okay. You’re okay. You’re safe here, you know that. And look at the deer, trapped on the floor with his wheelchair broken, sliding around in his own shite. You did that to him. You broke his wheelchair, broke his antler. I’m so proud of you.”
Sasuke’s chest heaved, “Kakashi-sempai, I-I-”
“Shh, I know,” Kakashi’s voice was filled with regret, “We all love him too, Sasuke. We’ll fix this.”
Now Fukazawa was truly crying. To see one of his strongest and most apathetic students reduced to a flurry of anger and irrationality, how broken had Oxbridge become in Fukazawa’s care? What kind of negligent caretaker allowed this? What had he done?
Chuuya’s singing rose in volume, just as…