A Coken Of Gratitude
“My house! We’re at my house!” Tamaki shrieked, running between his many reception rooms, throwing himself over sofas and coffee tables and any other miscellaneous furniture. He’d been doing so for the past hour, and many of the other students were lounging around on the sofas as they would in the common room. In actuality if it weren’t for their surroundings, the servants milling around in the background, the twinkling lighting, and Tamaki’s family crest stamped all over the walls, they were pretty much in the common room. They had been released from the confinements of their crossdressing, and now were much comfier in their usual day to day clothes, allowing for premium lounging.
“Should we get Atsushi back?” Dazai contemplated. “He’s probably still in prison.”
At that moment Atsushi WAS in prison, though he found himself preferring it to his cocaine search. Surrounded by sexi strippers 24/7 and fucking them was exceedingly delightful, even if he still had some kinder eggs securely lodged in his pocket.
“Eh, we have more important things to be focused on right now. Like how to beat those fiends at Knottingham Trent!” Akutagawa growled.
“Yes! Clearly it was them that reported us to the police!” Sanji cried.
Little did any of the students realise, Atsushi was the one person they needed at that very moment. He would perhaps be the only one to recognise the face of their evillest enemy in the mortal realm. After all Atsushi had ‘relations’ with him - no surprise there.
“Very good sir,” a black butler said, appearing at Tamaki’s side, a tray of cocaine held out ready. He had a black suit, long black emo bangs, and a matching mustache that looked suspiciously fake.
“Hey, don't I know you?” Tamaki asked. He was sure he recognized the man, the butler, dressed all in black.
“Yes of course, sir, I am your butler, sir,” the black butler smiled graciously.
Tamaki nodded. “Of course yes, how silly of me,” he said as he swallowed another handful cocaine dry, coughing out a white cloud. “And what was your name?”
“Uuuuum, yes a name, of course. You see, my name was given to me by my master. My young master, who was very young. My young master, who is now sadly dead, but he is here, here in spirit, I'm sure, laughing at me. Laughing at my pain, pain which has brought me to my knees many a night, you see. And on my knees, I worshipped him, He who ruins me…”
“So, your name?” Kyoya prompted.
“Seb- no, no, - TEBASTIAN, sir. Tebastian Nichalias,” he answered stoically.
“Very good. A fine name. A solid name. A fuckable name, one might say,” Kunikida nodded.
“Thank you sir, I am not worthy of your praise,” the black butler bowed deeply, not spilling a drop of cocaine.
“Now, go fetch us some tea. I am in need of nourishment. All this cocaine powder has left me with a dry mouth. I am PARCHED. Parched I say!” Tamaki announced.
“Very good sir. Do you have a preference for what kind of tea? You see my last young master had a fine taste in tea. Why, I remember the last time I served him tea, oolong, it was and-”
“SHUT UP! It's always young master this, young master that! Your ‘young master’ is dead! And he's not coming back! He certainly won't be revived by a grim reaper and return to the world of the living as a zombie, I can tell you that much!” Tamaki spat angrily, his whole body jittery and eyes red from all the coke.
“Yes, of course sir. I'll go and fetch you that tea now.” Hiding his tears with the now empty coke tray, the black butler silently removed himself from the room.
“Tch. Servants. You just can’t get the staff these days,” Zoro hissed.
Before the others could nod in agreement, there was an interruption as a man crashed through the doors.
“Blonde man! Prince! King! Reeee! TIS MEEEE!” the hog head sung.
“Reee,” a sexi man muttered mockingly following from behind Inosuke.
“Ah yes, and before I forget. This is my cousin, uh…” Inosuke motioned to the taller mans.
“Ban.” Ban was a tired looking man, with glacial white hair, and eyes as scarlet as the Sharingan, (although of course his eyes were red from conjunctivitis, not the power of the Uchiha clan). He was a very ripped, muscular man, his abs were extremely sexy. He wore red leather that fit snugly around his Herculean bod, with a long v-neck to show off that eight-pack, and was especially flattering to his man-parts. They were all tremendously grateful Atsushi was not present as that promiscuous lad did not need more names to add to his ever increasing body count. For him to hook up with that dragon earlier was beyond rock-bottom.
“Ah yes! Baaaaaan! And this is my other cousin, uh…”
“Hawk,” the pig squeaked from the floor. “My name is HAWKKKK!”
Zoro flinched from his position on the sofa, remembering back to that time. Yes, THAT time. The dark time. When he was stuck in that school, that dastardly school that most dastardly school named Knottingham Trent and when he accidentally killed the Lightning Beast, Hak, for having the same voice as him. The names… they were just too similar. Hak and Hawk. Hmmmmmm… suspicious. But...Zoro considered. He had to. There was only one person worthy of such a wonderful voice, and that twas the person who was ALIVE!
Of course, ‘Tebastian’ heard all of this outside. The name was instantly familiar. “Ban, you say,” he said, with a roll of his tongue. And then he remembered, that smoldering man wearing clothes clearly too small for him (it reminded him of a certain king of hell). They had met many times before- their inclination towards small children which landed them both in Paedophiles Anonymous. “Interesting. Very interesting,” the butler mused.
“Ew, a talking animal?” Kyoya asked, glaring at Hawk in disgust. “I've never met a talking animal before. It just seems so unnatural,” he shuddered.
Hawk began to shriek.
“Eh, don't mind him, a transformation gone wrong is all,” Inosuke shrugged. “I’m hoping all of you have forgotten how I turn people into pigs - through the power of seduction. What can we say, twas a warm summer evening, the glowworms were a-glowing, and our hormones were a-raging. We didn't understand them properly. Things happened, unmentionable things. So unmentionable. I took Hawk in every position possible. Midway through the transformation some positions became difficult, but we continued, powered by our horniness and the allure of the night. Our bodies, one - human, pig, it no longer mattered. We were neither, we were both, moving like the ebb of the tide coming in, to the metronome of our heartbeats. It was beautiful, terrifying, awe-inspiring. If you’re interested, Ban has it all on video.”
Ban nodded, wiping a tear away.
“I may be a pig, but I am a powerful pig! I'm sure you have already heard of me, the Captain of the Order of Scraps Disposal!” Hawk cried passionately.
“No, I don't believe I have,” Kunikida said dismissively.
“Kyoya,” Tamaki tugged on his friend’s sleeve. “I want to eat this pig.”
Kyoya nodded. “Yes I'm hungry too, we haven't had lunch yet. Tebastian!” Kyoya called, clapping his hands.
“Yes, master?” Tebastian asked, popping his head round the door.
“Cook this pig up immediately! We are in need of lunch!”
“Certainly master.” He bowed, then began to scoop up the squealing piglet.
“Hold on a second! If anyone is gonna cook this pig, it'll be me!” Inosuke cried, pointing at himself to stress his point. “But no one’s gonna cook him, because he’s one of my new recruits! I am his boss now, and I will care for him. The job of the boss is to look after their minions, and although he may be an irritating and useless minion, he is a minion nonetheless! An attack on him in an attack on me, and an attack on the Titans! So shut up!” Insosuke pointed to the butler, “you may be one hell of a butler with the strength of a demon radiating off your perfectly toned muscles and a very VERY sexi moustache, and you look very familiar to me- although I can't place you- but move another step with that pig and I'll have to slay your booty!”
Kyoya sighed. “Very well, Tebastian, put the abomination down. I don't want any blood getting spilt on this carpet, it cost more than yo mama.”
“Ho ho! Very good sir!” Tesbasitan chortled.
“Tebastain, where is that tea? I thought I asked for some tea?” Tamaki asked.
“Ah yes you did sir, but you see, Kyoya-san called me in just now so I-”
“TEAAAAAAAAAAA!”
“WAAAAAAAA!” Tebastian cried, running back to the kitchen, throwing Hawk out of the window as he went.
The pig screamed “not today satan” as it went, landing with a wet squelch outside.
Ban had watched the black butler wearily during this exchange.
“Anyway,” Inosuke continued. “You've been texting me non stop about something? I can't read, so I came here to find out what your problem was.”
“Yes, about the money you owe us! Why do you even have a phone if you can't read?”
“For business.”
“I see, now about the money?”
“What money? Are you giving me money?”
“No! You're giving US money!”
“I am? I don't remember this in our texts.”
“Yes! For the cocaine we gave you! Earlier today?”
“Ooooohhhh. Yes. Yes yes yes. THAT money.”
“Okay then.”
“Okay.”
Kyoya was very close to pulling his hair out. “So where is it?”
“Ah, here you go!” Inosuke cried, handing it over.
Kyoya looked at what he had been given. A ￡1 note. “What is this?”
“It is a ￡1 note!”
“Yes I can see that. First of all, this clearly isn't real. And second, where is the rest of it?”
“That's all of it. You see, the deer leg with a side of cocaine was very popular. Yes, very popular! And it sold a lot. And I made much money. But to meet demand, I had to hire some new cooks. Which is why I got this guy-” he pointed to Ban, “to work in the bar. But having paid his salary, along with all the very important renovations for the bar, including a new 700,000,000,000 tiger rug for the customers to wipe their shoes on, I found I had not much left in profits to give you. This was all that remained.”
“Waaaaaaa!” the students cried.
“But we need that money to beat off Knottingham Trent!”
“Why do you need me to beat them off? Fuck them in your own time jeez. That’s what I do with Hawk. Not beat him off, that’d be gross, jeez. But what can I say, I’ve slept with many-a hog. The transformation usually occurs sometime during penetration. Anyway, I need more cocaine. Where is the pile?”
“You won't be getting any more of OUR cocaine!” Chuuya hissed. “You have NO idea what I went through to procure the coke, the people that had to die! You want the coke? You can't handle the coke!”
“I agree,” Kyoya nodded. “This has been a disaster. All in all we have only raised £1 for our charity. At this rate, we'll be the laughing stock of the whole country! Lord Goo will punish us, not to mention Fukazawa. He’ll be so disappointed in us! He could kill us! Or worse- EXPEL!”
“He needs to sort out his priorities!” Ron said, popping his head from out of the box he’d been shipped in. He’d been taped back in there, hopefully the returns option was still valid.
“Get out you idiot!” Tamaki snapped to Ron. He’d borrowed the wee chap for the live action remake of the popular erotica Harry Poo-ter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (in which Azkaban was a sex dungeon of course), though the boy was not ‘nimble,’ ‘handsome’ or ‘exceedingly charismatic’ as advertised. Twas supposed to be a gift to Kakashi, from one light-haired chap to the next. He couldn’t show it to Kakashi now, he’d die from embarrassment! And to think, Tamaki had even rented a bunch of dragons for the more penetrative scenes of the hentai-esque porn. What would he use them for now! Tamaki briefly considered that it was a good thing that Atsushi was still in prison - with his track record he’d be enjoying himself far too much in Tamaki Towers. He’d probably never leave, and what would Tamaki do then? Tamaki and Atsushi Towers just didn’t have the same ring to it. What if Atsushi stayed for so long that he eventually wore Tamaki down, and in 30 years he’d find himself looking back wondering how exactly he’d ended up married to the tiger? Ew. Ew ew ew. GROSS.
Tamaki turned to Inosuke. “You too. We’ll sell this coke ourselves! We’ll sell it, even if we have to burn down all of Paris!” he turned to the fireplace, screeching about hellfire. Pokkkle was not impressed. And WHERE THE HELL was Sebastian, his dildo holder?
Inosuke huffed. “Alright! I'll leave! But not because you told me to! It's because I have a very important appointment with some local investors! I’m bribing them with sex tapes of them and Hawk! It’s surprising how many people want to insert their penii into a pig! David Cameroon for one! Whoops, don’t tell him I said that! Ban! Follow me! Your boss!”
“Yeaaaah, in a minute, BOSS,” Ban said lazily, his eyes turning sharp.
Inosuke shrugged and walked out, scooping up the surprisingly sturdy Hawk from the pavement outside, who squealed in indignation at having been thrown so casually out of the window.