Cokie Monster
Tomoe found himself back in the common room. For some reason - he suspected Mustang - all of the bog roll he’d nabbed for his own bathroom suite had gone missing.
Kyoya stood before the students, all of which were lounging around in the common room. He briefly wondered whom ‘one hell of a butler’ might be, but alas that wasn’t important right now. Even though he had been mentioned as part of the Chippy thing - what was that again, did the moose drop an antler or something? - and then AGAIN in the Grease reenactment, it was wholly unimportant. What was important at that moment was defeating all of the other universities, raising more money than them, to keep Oxbridge’s name right at the top of the map. He gayzed through his £254,000,000,000 glasses at the bois before him. How could they beat the £50.50 Knottingham had raised, particularly since Inosuke hadn’t hit them up with a msg of any sales happening? If only the stupid boar would learn how to read and write goddamit.
Tamaki loudly chowed through some more coke, HOM NOM NOM.
Fuck, Tomoe thought. If he left now, it’d be embarrassing. But coming through to steal toilet paper twice in one day just made it seem like he had toilet problems. Which he ABSOLUTELY did not.
“Tamaki, I assume, by the ever-decreasing cocaine pile, that you were successful in your endeavours?” Tomoe motioned to Tamaki’s favourite snowy mountain. At the mention of his name Tamaki turned towards Tomoe and hissed menacingly, poised in a crouching position before the coke pile to protecc it.
Kunikida stared at Tamaki’s figure, “No, that’s all Tamaki’s doing,” he said in a perfect mixture of pity and disgust.
“If you can’t sell any coke, perhaps you might go ahead and sabotage Knottingham Trent’s efforts,” Tomoe suggested.
“Hey bro,” the sexy, sexy Ace walked out from a //mysterious// location, shirt unbuttoned to reveal his sculpted 12-pack abs and shark-tooth necklace laying between his collarbones, “Grabbed you some more bog roll, Hawkeye told me you needed some,” he very OBVIOUSLY passed Tomoe a stack of between 15-30 rolls.
Tomoe gritted his teeth, how dare Hawkeye? And he didn't even have anyone to direct his anger at as it could have been either one of the TWO Hawkeyes employed at the prestigious university! He snatched the bog roll from Ace’s grip (he considered leaving it, but alas he had a need to fulfil) and yeeted out of the room ASAP.
Naruto stood, “As a fox myself I appreciate and value professor Tomoe’s wise words; I can't remember what he teaches or what he even does around here but I think there is some value in what he said, though I am not sure what it is.” Naruto sat back down.
Zoro nodded, so did Mori. Chopper was too busy crying for attention to nod, but he probably would have as well, not just because I’m saying it but because he succumbed to peer pressure easily in his efforts to be ‘pepular’ and was simply in character for him.
“We have only one choice,” Mori stood, “As a man, I understand all there is to know about choices, though of course they are limited to humans only. So I suppose I know everything to do with LIMITED choices. Regardless, I propose that the choice we give a significant amount of consideration should be us wearing disguises to infiltrate Knottingham Trent, otherwise they will identify us as the people who started that riot a while back and not let us in. Which is ridiculous, as this is all for charity.”
“Potato chips for Prison,” Ace nodded wisely, he modelled for their annual ‘hot-boyz-nekkid’ charity calendar. He would only stand in the background of the photos of the OTHER hot boyz but due to his INHUMAN sexiness he had garnered all of the attention and voila (pronounced ouaLA), he was famoose. What he didnt know was that the whole photo shoot was set up to bait the hottest boi, they did it all just for Ace.
Kyoya nodded along to everyone’s words, noting some things down on his clipboard. “We have to cross-dress, the only way we can get in is to pass off as someone with an exceedingly low IQ - impossible for everyone here bar Chipper, no offence intended-” Kyoya’s fingers were crossed behind his back “- or as very hot femails which they can’t help but let onto their grounds.”
-
Sanji wore a long, pink frock that came down to his knees. The sleeves were short, and the neckline was plunging. His sexy, sexy arms, chest and legs were very hairy - you’d think the hair was blonde but no, it was black. His shoulders were broad, and he had not shaved his face either that day. Tamaki had done his best to use makeup to make the manly Sanji look wo-manly instead but unfortunately the pink lipstick, mascara, and glittery eyeshadow had not done him any favours. Zoro wore a sleeveless white maxi dress with a slit down the side (very spicy indeed). This had been paired with heels, red lipstick and a smokey eye look. Atsushi had to take a double-take when he saw the glamorous Zoro.
“Um- h- hi,” he stammered, eyes wide, breath taken away. Just when he’d thought Zoro couldn’t get any hotter, he came out with THIS jaw-dropping look!! Mama mia. Atsushi licked his lips.
Atsushi himself wore a long fur coat (FAUX fur of course, Atsushi was strictly against real animal fur ever since his own real animal fur had been used for a coat) with a little red dress, and red platform heels. He wore a long blonde wig on his head, his pretty eyes further accentuated with a glamorous eye look he’d done himself even the famous youtuber Jamie Charlie would be proud of. He looked very foxy indeed, feeling like Barbie or Rapunzel (but for mature audiences). The others had told him the hair was only waist-length - not enough to call yourself Rapunzel (obviously) but he had ignored them for they were just jealous.
Tamaki was as lovely a woman as he was a man. His beauty would put Disney princesses to shame. His pearly pink dress fit well on his smaller frame, he wore gorgeous gold extensions in his hair. With minimal makeup, a charming personality, and unfortunately red eyes (from the coke) he looked like every straight man’s dream if they were on drugs.
Kyoya wore a deep purple £400,000,000 Dior gown, Oscar-Red Carpet- worthy EASILY. But it was worth it to raise £50 for charity. He had on no makeup and he had simply added a weave of black hair to his head, wearing his usual glasses. A man like him had no need for makeup. He was a very, very beautiful human being - as a man or a woman.
Chuuya wore his fancy hat that he’d REFUSED to take off with a slinky grey number he’d grudgingly agreed to put on. With glittery eye shadow, and dark lipstick, he had a whole glamorous diva look going on. Kawaiiiiiiiiii.
Kunikida had had to borrow a dress from Victor who had shown him a line of his fanciest bin bags as potential outfits. There was one in particular that had stood out to the man as his Ideal. A sequined little item that was very high-end indeed. Must have cost a fortune, he figured. He let his hair loose, and strutted confidently, dayyyyuuum sure of his own hotness.
Dazai had perhaps put in the least amount of effort. He had found a jellyfish dress in the Janitors closet and decided to just put that on. Somehow even an awkward Halloween costume looked dazzling on Dazai - or Dazzles as they sometimes called him affectionately.
Akutagawa, however, was perhaps the most stunning. He wore a long sparkling black dress, with spaghetti straps and a sweetheart neckline, that flattered his frame in the most elegant way. With false lashes, sparkling eye shadow, a little blush and lip gloss, his alluring features were further highlighted. He had on a wig of long ebony hair that shone bewitchingly in the sun. He strongly resembled his gorgeous sister Gin (when she had her hair down of course) but he was somehow even more attractive. Everything about him that was still irresistibly seductive as a man was even more divine as a woman. Even others in the group (namely Sanji, Kunikida, and Atsushi) were eyeing the ravishing knockout in front of them with hidden interest. Immediately Sanji stopped himself from thinking his sinful, lusty thoughts. He’d dated a cross-dresser once before - that wretched Kuranosuke- and he could not go down that road again. He refused to. Not when the wound was still healing.
-
The students entered the Knottingham Trent grounds with ease. And they thanked themselves for having the forethought to put on disguises; at the front gate security guards were waiting, checking each face meticulously. The wall was lined with pictures of their faces - apparently they were banned from the establishment. Not surprising really given what went down during the uni transfer but no need to talk about that -what happens in Knottingham Trent stays in Knottingham Trent after all. Luckily for the Oxbridge students, the STUPID guards never even suspected them, too enthralled by their beauty.
“Hey, gorgeous,” catcalled a guard at a snarling Chuuya, who had to be held back by Kunikida who sassily flipped his hair at them, secretly offended HE wasn’t the one catcalled when he was clearly the sexiest of all in his stylish binbag.
It was a shock to the students to be back. They had forgotten the smell of the university. That pungent odour of piss that was so strong they could almost taste it. The squelch of rotten cardboard floors beneath their feet. The dark storm clouds that circled the buildings that never seemed to go away. Clearly things had gone even more downhill ever since their only janitor Levi had left.
In the main quad the bake sale was in full swing. There was one table filled to the brim with baked goods. Chocolate cake, chocolate orange cake, chocolate fudge cake, chocolate gateau, chocolate and coffee cake, chocolate and walnut cake, chocolate and raspberry cake, victoria sponge cake, fruit cake, lemon drizzle cake, caramel cake, carrot cake, coffee and walnut cake, yellow cake, red velvet cake, minion cake, angel cake, madeira cake, cupcakes, and plenty of pastries too; cinnamon whirls, cherry pie, apple pie, apple turnover, raspberry turnover, strawberry horn, baklava, bear claws, croissants, danish crowns, chocolate twists, eclairs... the list was endless.
Behind the table sat a very proud Eren and Yuki. They were high fiving themselves at their success; they had raised another £1.50.
The Oxbridge students approached slowly, their dresses swaying with every step.
In a falsetto voice, Tamaki gasped, “wow bear claws! They would go great with this cocaine!” He had stored plenty for the journey in his little handbag slung over one shoulder. The design was of course of Pokkle’s Pocket.
The shouting got the attention of the Knottingham students. Eren raised his eyes and surveyed them. His eyes landed on Akutagawa and he gasped aloud. Was this an angel or a goddess? For whatever she was, she could not be human. To him, this was Aphrodite in the flesh possessing beauty beyond any mortal man’s imagination. To say she was exquisite was such an understatement it was an insult. Her ethereal grace, arresting charm, and divine beauty held all his attention hostage with ease. He had only seen her once, and yet undoubtedly she was already sacred to him. His new purpose for living was the heavenly deity before him, he decided. He realised his mouth had been open the whole time and he shut it immediately, wiping the drool from his chin quickly before anyone could notice. He couldn’t look away though. His eyes hungered for this woman, to let them stray from her would be an injustice to himself. To not mention her in his every prayer would be blasphemy. To not worship at her feet would be a grievous sin. She was now his religion... and he was only too happy to be a follower. (Too bad Akutagawa was actually a boi. But Eren was fooled by those fake eyelashes and lipstick, just like he had been fooled into thinking Knottingham was a RAEL university.)
“Would you like to buy some of our wares?” Yuki asked, gun in hand. “It's for charity you know.”
Kyoya eyed the gun. “Do we have a choice?”
Yuki gasped. “My sweat and tears went into making these cakes. LITERALLY! I've been collecting my tears every time I cry just for this. It adds that extra bit of flavour you know? These cakes are so good even our lord and saviour Pokkle would die from just one bite!”
Pokkle scowled from hell, shattering his bedazzled magnifying glass in his grip. How dare they take his name in vain! He would make sure that when the students join him in hell for their punishment of going to such a disgusting school, he would choke them on their own disgusting cakes. And maybe a little on his penis.
“I'm afraid our money is being saved for more important ventures,” Kunikida sniffed. He didn't want to contribute to the university’s rising money pot.
“Well then, I'm AFRAID you'll just HAVE to die!” Yuki said, pointing the gun at Akutagawa.
“Noooooooo!“ Eren cried in slow motion, reaching out for the gun, but alas, he was too late.
The gun fired.
A spurt of water hit Akutagawa on the forehead. Eren screamed. Akutagawa’s expression did not change once. With one hand he lazily brushed the water off his face.
Looking at this, Yuki mumbled, “reminds me of my last orgasm.” Then he sniffed. “They don't let me have real guns anymore. Not after last time. I shot myself in the head. But unfortunately I survived. Now I have to have this walking stick,” he held up the wooden stick for everyone to see.
“Well, that's just what happens when you try to shoot yourself in the head. Everyone knows that,” Dazai replied nonchalantly. “Don't worry, it happened to me too, you only need the walking stick for a couple of days. Recovering from a gunshot wound is no deadlier than a papercut.”
The Oxbridge students nodded together in time. Eren and Yuki, hypnotised by their synched movements, nodded back too.
“Of course you’re right, Dazai-san. I would expect you to know everything there is to know about trying to kill yourself,” said Akutagawa shyly to the jellyfish. His eyes had a spark in them as he looked at Dazai that ignited a raging fire inside Eren’s body, combusting his skin and bones.
Dazai did not even acknowledge this, boredly looking away. Eren could not believe the INSOLENCE of Jellyfish-san to dare ignore his senpai like this. What did it think it was? A Princess Jellyfish??
“No one could possibly know more than you about anything. I’ve only just met you but I know you are All-Wise,” Eren said in what he hoped was a manly tone, but rather was just a pitiful squeak (poor boi was nervous). Akutagawa did not even acknowledge this, boredly looking away. Eren could understand this. He was but an insect not worthy of even being in Her Majesty’s glorious presence let alone of talking to her.
“Well, we have business to attend to. Good day, sirs!” Kyoya cried.
“And good day to you fair madam,” Eren sighed. He gayzed wistfully after Akutagawa. What a beautiful young female woMAN. He wondered if he should try to kiss her hand, or whatever it was that princes did in fairytales, but then could not find the courage. To court Mikasa had been easy -she was his sister after all- but THIS temptress was a whole other slice of cake. She looked at him with a cold disposition that made his skin tingle and blood rush to his face. He looked away shyly, blushing profusely, unable to look her in the eyes. Another time, he told himself hopefully. Another time.