The Big Chop
The doors of the medical wing slammed open, both with enough force to hit the walls behind and crack them. They crumbled into little pieces, half the room collapsing in.
Shanks stormed in, “HOW DARE YOU MISS CLASS,” sweat dripped off his brow, “I PREPARED A WHOLE LESSON AND YOU MISSED IT, YOU FOOL!!!” Shanks slammed a stack of papers onto the occupied hospital bed, not bothering about the patient. Luckily he managed to throw the thicc stack right onto the patient’s wound.
Shanks left as quickly as he had entered, and Kyoya was quick to take his place. Behind him stood the entirety of the Astrology class, their brows furrowed in anger. He pushed his glasses up his nose. “That was very disrespectful of you Chopper, Shanks took the time to make a whole entire lesson plan for us. Not only that, but it’s your fault that the walls of this prestigious university Oxbridge University have crumbled into smithereens, I hope you know that this building has existed since the conception of man and you just ruined it.”
“Like you ruin everything.” Nekozawa tried his hardest not to look at Chopper, he was very upset by seeing Shanks in such a state.
Fukazawa had been sitting at the foot of Chopper’s bed the entire time, not that the students had noticed in their rage. He decided to remain the impartial witness as he understood their plight, planning lessons was no mean feat.
The other students - even the English and Ice Skating students - were quick to follow. They had heard the crumpling of the university walls and it beckoned them like a moth to the fiery, deadly flame…
“I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU BROKE THE UNIVERSITY!” Naruto screamed. “HOW DARE YOU DAMAGE THIS PRESTIGIOUS UNIVERSITY OXBRIDGE UNIVERSITY!”
Zoro tried to wipe at his tears as subtly as possible, he had never felt so wounded in all his lyfe.
Chuuya started singing a mourning song from Titanic.
“THIS IS NOT MY IDEAL! NOT TODAY SATAN!” Kunikida then took the opportunity to jump out of the window - pushing it open cast a sharp yellowed light into the medical wing, melting much of the equipment. Unplugged heart monitors started to screech, defibrillators vibrated in their casings. Even some of the bed frames melted, thankfully the mattresses were left otherwise when Florence did her hospital inspection she would be less than pleased. Nekozawa screamed, he had never felt such warm sun. It was almost like in The Scorch Trials (part of The Maze Runner series ofc) when things are scorchy.
Kunikida didn’t even have to jump out of the window - even being caressed by the yellowed beams cooked his legs right through and they withered as the students watched on, the space from Kunikida’s ankle to knee disappearing to the smell of cooking flesh. Kunikida screamed in absolute agony, continuing to repeat, “THIS IS - THIS IS NOT MY IDEAL!” Even his tears only caused him pain, boiling as soon as they yeeted out of his eyes.
“Why,” Tamaki cried into his palms, too scared to watch, “Chopper, why would - why would you miss class?” Kunikida’s screams made Tamaki’s words barely heard, but all of the students were thinking along the same lines. All of this pain was easily preventable. Soma audibly sobbed into Atsushi’s fur.
Fukazawa clapped his hands once. At once the students quietened, their attention turned to him. Soma struggled to silence his sob-hiccups. Fukazawa had such an overwhelming presence, one that everyone respected. No one could think of a greater man than Fukazawa.
The only student who really couldn’t hold back his voice was Kunikida, his screams even more painful now that the students couldn’t relieve their emotions through tears. The man’s voice had become hoarse, strangled, absolutely tortured. Finally, finally, he managed to use the stubs of his burnt arms to throw himself out of the medical wing windows. Fortunately for him, he was only on the tenth floor.
“As I'm sure you can all see, Chopper has lost a limb. Yes, ANOTHER one.” Fukazawa said pointedly. “That’s three in total.”
The students all thought back to Kunikida, who happened to lose all of his limbs to the Scorch Trials, and they all also thought Chopper deserved it for not turning up to class.
Atsushi gasped in tiger form, though it sounded more like a reverse hiss. “Omg thats so sad! But don't worry Chopper, we’ll help you. We all will. Nothing is more important than this.”
“We will support you. We have a lot of disabled people here anyway, take Shanks for example he only has one arm and Atsushi had no fur for a while and Zoro is very geographically challenged.”
Though the last two didn’t class as a disability all of the students understood Sakura’s point and nodded in support.
“We’ve filed a full police report for theft as i’m sure you’ll all be interested to learn, Chopper’s leg was stolen.”
Everyone gasped at Fukazawa’s announcement, a THIEF was amongst them??
Kyoya looked to Fukazawa in confusion, though he tried to keep his expression as neutral as possible. Surely it would be more logical to file for assault or grievous bodily harm?
“If we do not manage to retrieve Choppy-chan’s leg before the 24 hour limit is up, then alas this gaping wound will have to be filled, we might even have to use the juices of another man. Who knows how much blood Chopper has lost,” Kaname had been praying for Chopper at the other side of the medical wing, due to multiple restraining orders he tried his best to keep his distance from the students as much as possible.
Yosano spawned into the room, a fleshy, damaged, burnt lump of oozing flesh in her arms. She was hugging it as one might a very large sack of potatoes, clearly struggling to keep her grip on it. The sleeves of her shirt were only smeared with blood, much of the flesh cauterized by the scorching heat from outside. Yosana dumped the meat on one of the remaining, unburnt mattresses, and rolled her sleeves up whilst simultaneously unbuttoning her shirt. She peeled it from her body, parts of it burnt into her flesh and stuck to her with blood, revealing her plump breasts.
“Yosano-kun, Yosano-kun,” Honey sung, hopping over to her, “Is that a prime rib eye steak, Yosano-kun? Is it for our picnic later?”
“Let’s just say he’s not exactly what one would call a snacc,” Yosano drew the curtains around the mattress closed, concealing what was to happen.
“Sorry, what did you say earlier Kaname? I didn’t hear you.” Sanji had been too busy staring after Yosano, as had many of the other students (such as Nekozawa, who missed his knottingham girlfriend very much). His nose started gushing fountains of blood looking at Yosano’s perky nipples so he had to sit with his head held back, tissues held against it. He had almost died by nosebleed too many times for him to take this blood loss lightly. Due to his very rare blood type, there were just not enough donors for him to be able to indulge in his perversions as much as he would like.
“I think we’re on a time crunch? For something?” Chuuya looked at Atsushi in affirmation, “Sorry, I was too busy being angry at Chopper for missing class.”
Atsushi nodded seriously, concern for Chopper clear in his sunset eyes. “Yes, we have 24 hours to find the person responsible for this theft, locate the leg and stitch it back onto chopper-san’s leg. Dazai-san, where do you think we should start first?”
Dazai was surprised to be addressed by the young man, especially with an honorific when they were the same age. He blinked in confusion, then decided not to question it. “Clearly we only need to ask Chopper who took his leg. It’s so extremely obvious even Tamaki could figure that out. Hey Chopper, was it a beautiful young lady that took it? One that looked sad, the hope of the sweet release of death clear in her eyes? Was she looking for a handsome man she could commit suicide with? Did she ask for me?” Dazai asked eagerly, the smile on his face at deep contrast with the deep sadness he felt within.
“I for one would like to start at the therapist’s office,” Naruto said, “I think I need to work through these feelings of hatred i have towards chopper for missing class otherwise i might commit a genocide.”
Sasuke, who had often dreamed of genocides akin to that of the Uchiha clan, nodded in understanding. He had already been to see the therapist once to work through his feelings of wanting to destroy the Hidden Leaf Village to avenge the death of his brother. Ayato had made him see that killing all the clans was not the most healthy way of moving on from his clan being killed.
“Though we might all benefit from therapy,” Tamaki’s fingers were trembling from where he’d yet to fully lower them past his chin, “Maybe we should try and get Chopper’s leg back? Having a limb-thief in this prestigious university oxbridge university is a threat to us all, plus...hasn’t chopper lost enough of his legs?”
“Ah yes,” Kyoya adjusted his glasses, “If women consider there to be a threat on the grounds, host club attendees may drop.”
Zoro looked over at Sanji who nodded back at him. They had both once been on a cruise with Chopper on the ship ‘The Going Merry’ (even kid Luffy had climbed aboard, saying something about finding the One Piece). When you sail the seas of the Grand line together on vacation, you learn to care for your crew-mates. If chopper needed their help now, they would provide.
“Choppy-kun, though I am sure you are struggling with the trauma of having your third limb chopped off, please chopper, try and tell us any details, anything Choppy-kun might remember about having his leg chopped off,” Atsushi said solemnly.
“I didn't see them.” Chopper brayed mournfully.
“Were they wearing a mask?” Atsushi gasped. “Then describe to us their figure. Was it a man or a woman? Fat or thin? Human or animal? Did they say anything? What did they say? What was their voice like? Did you smell them? Smells can be very useful to help solve crimes. One time, we, the Armed Detective Agency were solving a murder, and the room had a faint but noticible smell of curry. But no curry had been made in the apartment. From that we deduced that the murderer had recently eaten curry, or maybe he made curry for a living, so then-” Atsushi was cut off by Tanizaki when he elbowed him in the ribs and quietly shushed him.
Atsushi was embarrassed to realise he'd gone off on a tangent, but was also VERY annoyed at being shushed. Who was he to shush him! Sushing is so rude. Who did he think he was talking to, an animal?!?
Hikaru gasped and muttered to Kaoru, quiet enough so no one else could hear, “Do you think it was Sirius??? Sirius Black??”
Wanted posters had been pasted all around the public places such as Hogsmeade, as the prisoner of Azkaban had broken out. There was even a memo shared in the university emails warning people to watch out for a very serious man wearing black.
Kaoru muttered back to his twin, gaze darkening, “We-we better hope not...I don't know if the university would be able to survive such an attack, such an affiliation…” and somehow it would link back to Kauro and Hikaru’s new twin brothers...
“I was - I was…” Chopper brayed in pain, “I was - asleep! I didn’t see anything!”
Zoro nodded in understanding, this sounded like something he too would do.
Just at that moment Yosano drew the curtains open from around the rib eye steak. Kunikida lay on the mattress, a halo shining around him. Rubied blood reddened the blade. Unfortunately when Yosano moved away from the almost-corpse of Kunikida, having used her ability Thou Shalt Not Die to revive him by killing him first, no one had accounted for how Kunikida’s body would be naked and drawn over the mattress, the halo only making it easier to see him.
Dazai vomited. Sanji’s nose bleed stopped immediately and he ran from the room. Naruto screamed, falling onto his knees, hands over his eyes, even the Nine Tails inside him recoiled. Sasuke immediately deactivated his Sharingan- he did not need his enhanced vision for this, in fact he was all prepared to gouge out his own eyes. Kaname shifted his prayer beads between his fingers at a very fast speed, sweat dripping off his face and blurring his vision. Sakura gayzed open-mouthed at the body akin to that of a Greek god, unable to tear her eyes away from his glorious manliness - even his mullet was intact, laying on the pillow beside his head.
No-one anticipated such a brutal attack.
“Draw the curtain!” Fukazawa ordered, voice trembling. Yosano was quick to act, dropping her machete and hiding Kunikida’s vulnerable body.
“Getting back on track, if Choppy-san didn't see the culprit then i'm not sure what we can do.” Tamaki said sadly. He had hoped he could help the young reindeer, as he loved to help people- a rich man should always strive to keep the commoners content so they don't overthrow him and take his money.
“Even so, even if it is hopeless, we should still try.” Atsushi urged them. “What kind of students would we be if we cant help a fellow student in his time of need?”
Soma nodded. “Yes I agree. Ciel always helped the commoners around him. I'm not sure why, but I know my little brother would help this reindeer. He would stop at nothing to help those in need. Such a charitable young man.”
The students were moved. They all nodded in agreement. They didn't yet know how to help, but by god were they willing.