To Breathe Or Not To Breathe
The teachers were gathered around the headmaster. Fukazawa was bent over his desk, seductively, crying. The light from the high arching windows made his hair glimmer, long pianists fingers curling over his face. He was preparing himself for the intrusion on his temple, his glorious school. How bad would the violation be? He couldn't believe it - goddamn inspectors? Which university got inspectors! Just because they’d had a few deaths! After all, what university was exempt from murders?
The teachers - Shanks, Hawkeye, Tomoe, Kakashi - looked on in embarrassment. They were yet to see Fukazawa cry sincerely and hoped they could erase the image from their memories. The school was the one thing that really mattered to the principal and to see him so shattered was quite pathetic. After all, any one of the teachers (aside from Victor) could choose to waterboard the inspectors to force them to receive a stellar inspection - not that they wouldn't from their own hard work. The group were nothing if they were not competent and diligent professors. Victor regurgitated a receipt and handed it to Fukazawa in lieu of a tissue. Fukuzawa blew his nose loudly into the moist piece of paper.
“There there,” Hawkeye muttered. “Stop crying.”
He was clearly very uncomfortable and the group watched on to see if his word would take effect. After a few moments it was clear they hadn’t, and they all waited on to see if anyone else would offer up anything else to silence the principal.
“The inspectors are getting closer,” Kakashi updated the group, his sharingan eye swirling. “As we speak they are getting directions to the office from Zoro, so I’m sure you have plenty of time left to sob.”
“Maybe they’ll get lost in the dungeons?” Tomoe suggested. “Luffini could negotiate that.”
“No,” Fukazawa cried, “If we kill them then people will come looking! We can’t let the press see any more intentional murders!”
“Ah okay. Chopper has intercepted them. Apparently they appreciate that he’s disabled, it shows inclusivity. I suppose we shouldn't let them find out that one of our own did it to him.”
“Ace technically isn’t a current student,”
“Neither is Pokkle,” Shanks and Kakashi collectively mused.
All of a suddenly, there was a cock on the door.
“They’re here!” shouted Victor. He started gasping and hyperventilating, tears now streaming down his face. He looked up at Fukazawa through his eyelashes, blinking them sexily.
For some reason all the teachers looked away from Fukazawa at the same time and then looked back to him, seeing him in his normal, poised, refined self. Though he yearned to snap at Victor to do so would be akin to child abuse. He had enough experience of that with Ranpo. Fatherhood had taught him a lot about how to dole out punishments. He would withhold Victor’s oxygen for the next couple of months to teach him a lesson. Only when he begged for it would he consider giving in. His only fear was Victor developing a kink for such actions, for breathplay. Though Fukazawa knew it was a risk he’d have to take.
“Come in,” he pressed his hands against the lapels of his japanese suit thing and faced the door.
The Fuhrer gripped the doorknob with his thumb and forefinger, opening the door slowly. It swung in dramatically, the air stilling, the dust settling. The teachers held their breath. That was Victor’s favourite part.
“Hello. As I’m sure you are aware, we are here for a compulsory inspection of this university following the ah- recent problems it’s faced”
“Hewwo. Owo whats this? Pwobwems?” Victor tried to sound and look cute, widening his eyes, pouting his full, pink lips. He ran his tongue over these lips sensually, before inhaling a deep breath and not exhaling.
Hawkeye elbowed him roughly, causing Victor to fold in on himself onto the floor. He gleefully gasped for breath.
Kaname watched this unfold, his eyes sparkling, his entire body aroused by the breath action. When Victor looked over, he subtly winked. Kaname knew he would have to flirt with this boi, rather than using his natural flirt he would do so actively. Perhaps once or twice he too would punch Victor in the stomach to make him breathless - but just once...or twice. He would also make him breathless by OTHER means (winky face).
Hoping the inspectors would ignore Victor, Fukuzawa turned to the inspectors. “I welcome you humbly to my school. I have devoted my life to it. Our students. Please be gentle with me, it's my first time. My first inspection.”
The Fuhrer merely nodded. “You will allow me full access to all areas. Even the back entrance. Am I understood?”
Shanks, Hawkeye, Tomoe and Kakashi were not as forthcoming as the principal, watching the pair of inspectors with a steely gaze.
“If that would satisfy you. Allow me to introduce the tutors that make up Oxbridge university…” None of them, aside from Victor, looked all too welcoming. Fukazawa hesitated.
“Agami Shanks - one of those Emperors of the Sea, Hawkeye, uh...the best swordsperson in the One Piece universe? Tomoe, who enjoys his regular morning commute through the many Oxbridge brothels, and of course Kakashi, who...well, Kakashi.” Fukazawa pointedly avoided introducing the binman studies tutor out of shame.
“Well,” Kaname, “I believe you missed out one person there. Who’s this lovely creature?” his piercing eyes shifted towards a blushing Victor.
“H-hewwo. It’s-a-me, Victor. I study the bin and all its properties. I teach many students, at least one person is - WAS - enrolled in my class. We all miss him, may he rest in pieces.”
Kaname chuckled.
“I am Fuhrer Bradley,” joke’s on him, the only leader of lands around here was LORD GOO, “And this is my fellow inspector and monk, Asahina Kaname, who enjoys flirting with his relatives.”
“Hey,” Kaname cooed, “Will you allow my parents to adopt you?” He held his hand out in the direction of the binman study’s teacher.
Victor reached up with a quivering hand towards Kaname, whose eye’s glimmered.
Kakashi slapped his hand down and dragged Victor toward the group of teachers by his collar, choking him. The pitiful silver-haired man moaned with pleasure. Kakashi immediately dropped him out of disgust, clenching the hand that touched the disgusting little man.
“Later,” Kaname promised, licking his lips.
“Before all else, we just need to talk a little about what’s been going on at this fine establishment,” the Fuhrer hoped to repress the disgusting display he’d just witnessed from his memory forever. He wondered when he’d finally get used to Kaname’s sluttiness, and considered leaving him in the Oxbridge brothels for the duration of the inspection.
“W-what would you - you like to know?” Victor stared wide-eyed at Kaname.
“Baby, just know I’ve been using these prayer beads to pray for a boi like you.”
The Fuhrer slapped Kaname behind him with his forearm. “We would like to know what has been happening around the university, the circumstances around the many deaths that have happened on the school grounds, the Triwizard Tournament, and anything else of interest.”
“Do I need a lawyer?” Fukazawa snapped. “I’ll also have you know that the most recent set of deaths we’ve already been prosecuted for, so you can’t allow that to affect the performance grade of the university.” His gaze was steely as he stared down the two disgusting men polluting his airspace.
“True no one’s died since we were trialled!” said Victor, “I mean there was the Triwizard Tournament where Yuki almost died so many times. And of course Mori died for a while when the students all broke into jail to rescue us, but he was brought back to life so dwont wowwy.” He finished with a sexy wink.
Victor considered he was speaking out of turn so someone would strangle his detty, detty throat with their big boi palms. He looked up to Kaname longingly.
“If you could stop flirting for one minute…” muttered Shanks, trying his best not to choke Victor. He knew the man would only enjoy it.
“So you can flirt with Hawkeye but I can’t with my mans?” demanded Victor, with a sudden burst of courage. He was tired of having to work to be choked, where were the times when he could be throttled on demand?
“You and Hawkeye?” demanded the Fuhrer immediately and sharply to the Red-Haired Emperor. Victor knew he’d done something naughty and hoped only for the best.
“Yeah,” said Victor again, “Everyone knows him and Hawkeye have a rewationshwip. It was my favourite ship after Usopp and Shu, and Shanks and his bitch. Sometimes I felt like maybe Hawkeye and Chuuya, his student, were together, but I’ve been told since that i was...mwistaken.”
Fukazawa seethed. He clenched his fists - but it wasn’t the right time to beat the everliving hell out of Victor. He tried to relieve some of his tension, sighing dramatically and clicking his tongue.
The Fuhrer’s face pinched but he tried not to show too much of a reaction to the new information. “And we, uh…” he tried realign his thoughts, “Well, uh - have you gone through the necessary procedure with HR?”
“Yes, when necessary,” Fukazawa punctuated, “Aside from for Shu and Usoop, they were already dead before we had the chance. Shanks’ bitch was of course a non-student so she wasn’t a problem. We don’t enrol dogs here, only reindeers. Hawkeye and Shanks have never slept together...i would know...and Hawkeye has no interest in Chuuya because no one does.”
The Fuhrer nodded slowly. “That all checks out. We’ve also received an anonymous tip from Kurapika about health and safety violations during this so-called Triziwrd tournamont. Are you aware that pitting students in a fight against tigers and leaving them abandoned in the forest for days is not normal procedure?”
“I’ve done worse,” Kakashi announced.
“Oh, is that so?” The Fuhrer looked down at his papers. “You know what then, just don’t worry about it. I’m sure it’s not a big deal.”
“It isn’t. I ensured that the Knottingham Trent candidate wouldn’t die and by doing so I had to be sectioned for a period of six months to regain my sanity,” Shanks’ expression turned dark.
Hawkeye squeezed his shoulder comfortingly, he knew how torturous those times with that awful Yuki had been. He dropped his hand when he saw the Fuhrer’s focus on it. The gesture was being misconstrued.
The Fuhrer nuded again. “Now that that’s all cleared up, let us begin our inspection of the school grounds and your teaching. I'm sure the level of teaching here is astounding considering the high marks all of your students receive, I'm looking forward to experiencing the senpais myself in person and in the sheets. I hope they have a lot to teach me. Kaname is lacking in many departments. If i were to post his package it would fit in an A6 envelope.”
No one seemed to notice the odd digression.
-
Fukazawa decided that the smartest move would be to cancel teaching for the duration of the inspector’s visit so they would be unable to scrutinise it. Though the teaching methods were successful, to the mundane eye perhaps the genius of having lesson plans on scraps of receipts would appear lazy or unenthused. The last time he’d inspected one of Kakashi’s lessons was two decades ago, and he was only into softcore porn back then.
The inspectors seemed perturbed by the development but could do nothing to change it, so they took to the corridors. By Fukazawa’s orders Shanks ensured the more embarrassing students were sent on a field trip so they wouldn’t reflect badly on the school.
Unfortunately he forgot one of the newer students. When Shanks was compiling the list of students to send to ‘get lost’ in the caravan Tomoe was getting drunk and seemed to have forgotten about the land shrine goddess he was in charge of.
The consequence of that unravelled quickly.
-
The Fuhrer and Kaname were patrolling the school grounds. So far they had spoken to the Indian prince, Soma, and the smart guy with glasses from Ouran. It struck them that many of the students in the school were Japanese.
Regardless, the students they had encountered thus far were delightful, and the Fuhrer opened his mouth to suggest to Kaname they both leave (he wanted to get Kaname away from the binman studies teacher ASAP) when suddenly they heard something eerie…