Remembering Pickle
Everyone stood sadly around the gravestone. The description read, ‘Pickle, gon but never forgotten’. Tamaki wiped a stray tear while Honey sobbed loudly, hugging Mori’s legs. Even Mori’s stony exterior was cracking, face wrinkled in distress. Pokkle had just been buried in the graveyard outside. Everyone in the whole of the universe was there to witness the sad event; it was recorded and broadcasted to everywhere. Even an alien spaceship hovered above the grounds, light illuminating Pokkle’s gravestone. Atsushi looked around, wondering where his gravestone was. Little did he know he was in a cardboard grave among the peasants, inscribed with ‘@sushyy’.
Fukuzawa was the first to speak, breaking the mournful ambience.
“Pokkle,” Fukuzawa took a deep breath, “he was the finest specimen of a human this university has ever seen.”
An alien from the spaceship opened his window, “And this universe! Pokkle was EVERYTHING.”
Fukuzawa wiped the tears on his face, sniffling loudly. Ranpo looked up at him, distressed by Fukuzawa’s distress, chest heaving with pain. He opened his eyes for the first time in weeks, just to blink the tears away and clear his cloudy vision.
“Pokkle was a st-star student,” Fukuzawa sobbed. “He was my second favourite student, next to my sun.” Fukuzawa took Ranpo’s hand, lips wobbling. Ranpo’s eyes widened as his breathing got shallower, tears dripping off his cheeks as he held a hand to his mouth. “He’ll be sorely missed.”
Hawkeye was the next to speak. The music teacher cleared his throat and pulled out an old receipt of his recent Tesco grocery shop (sake and cheese puffs). He read off the back.
“Pokkle,” Hawkeye squinted so he could read his rushed handwriting, “had a beautiful singing voice.”
Chuuya tried to stop the flood of tears that arose from the comment, but was unsuccessful as they poured down his face. All the years he’d spent trying to perfect his own voice! Singing lessons, voice training – his hands trembled, his cat ears and tail popped out in anger. “Senpai-san!” Chuuya cried. He stood up and fled from the scene (it took him three hours to navigate his way out of the large crowd).
Kakashi was the next to stand, clapping slowly. Soon the millions of people attending the funeral stood to clap. “He has such a way with words,” Kakashi muttered, smiling proudly. Shanks nodded, looking up from his Tamagotchi for long enough to share a smile with Kakashi.
Hawkeye crumpled up his receipt, tossing it over his shoulder. Victor Nikiforov, the Binman Studies teacher, caught it and ate it. Dry, yet succulent.
Shanks got up and cleared his throat, ready to speak. The sadness was clear in his eyes as he mourned the deceased. “Pokkle was a kind, considerate young man. He was there, always ready to lend a helping hand. Whenever I had to go through university applications, he was with me.”
“Including the time Shanks let Tamaki in as a joke?” muttered Kakashi to Hawkeye. The two of them snorted with laughter, remembering Tamaki’s personal statement all relating to how he was a ‘king’.
The beautiful Ace, shirtless and in orange shorts (very appropriate attire for a funeral), was eating a drumstick he’d found on a plate at the venue. He used the bone to play fetch with dog Luffy. Chopper watched on from his wheelchair, two front legs mysteriously missing.
Kunikida, wrapped in layers of bandages so much that he looked liked Dazai, stood up and shouted in anger and exasperation, “He wasn’t there! Pokkle – you always catch me when I fall, when I jump out of windows, when my Ideal is in jeopardy: you’re always there to help me! Where were you! I jumped out of the window,” Kunikida shouted, “You weren’t there!”
Yasopp got up, eyes red from sobbing so much. “I remember...” he choked on his own words, before trying again. “I remember the time I watched the security footage of my son and the janitor kissing. Pokkle was there, wiping the whiteboard, watching. He was there helping me upload it on Pornhub.”
An alien in a spaceship cried out, immediately going on to their laptop to download this ‘Pornhub’ just so they could see Pokkle one last time.
“I killed seventy-five people. It was my highest score on GTA, and Pokkle was there, watching me – always watching! He supported me and helped me achieve my dream number of deaths on GTA.” Kyoka shouted. “Grand Theft Atsushi is my favourite game!”
“Wait,” Killua muttered to the boi next to him. “So they weren’t rael deaths???? :o”
Nekozawa was the next to speak. Sendo protected him from the sunlight and the light the aliens sent with an umbrella. “He always supported me, in every decision I made to curse someone, never judging. He even helped with them, indeed it was him that decided to body switch Dazai and Tamaki, as he also believed they needed to be punished for their insolence-”
Tamaki interrupted Nekozawa, passion making his voice quiver. “Pokkle was such an amazing peer! Putting Dazai and I on the right track! What a delightful person – how beautiful. I remember when Pokkle went ahead and shaved half my eyebrow off, just so I would stop being vain!” Tamaki winced through the tears, the memory of his half-eyebrow assaulting him. Still, he took a deep breath and spoke through the pain. “Pokkle saw past the physical realm and tried to help us all accept what was inside–“ Tamaki’s lips wobbled. “Pokkle! Pokkle! Please come back!”
Kaoru held Tamaki close. “It’s okay, Boss.”
Dazai frowned, watching his close friend cry over his deep loss.
Zoro stood. “I was lost. He got me more lost.” He sat.
Victor cleared his throat, having finished eating Hawkeye’s receipt. “Pokkle gave me the best meal – after helping Shanks with applications he graciously binned Kurapika’s. It was delicious, perhaps the best application I’ve ever eaten and seen. It even rivalled Pokkle’s. Thankfully Shanks didn’t see it, or Kurapika wouldn’t have gone to Sheffield Harem and we would have no university to compete with!”
Ranpo pulled away from his father – oops, Fukuzawa – and said proudly, “Pokkle was there when @sushyy was eaten! He supported me and helped me watch. He even held my head in place when I tried to look away.” Fukuzawa patted Ranpo’s shoulder comfortingly, smiling down at him.
“He – he…” Kenji’s voice shook, his face was tear-stained, “He was there to help during harvest season. He once replaced the seeds with pebbles. It caused a famine. He was such a playful boy.”
Chopper brayed into Yasopp’s shoulder. “He was there to help me when I had a pebble stuck in my front hoof. He solved the problem by chopping the leg off. He then chopped the other one off too.” He blew his nose into Yasopp’s hair.
Ace slowly looked at the bone from the drumstick he’d eaten to Chopper and back again, his mind putting two and two together. He then shrugged and continued playing fetch with Shanks’ dog.
“Guys, he doesn’t sound so nice. He sounds really mean.” Luffy looked around. “Is there any meat?”
The realisation suddenly dawned on everyone. Could it be true? Could Pokkle really be evil? Chopper looked down at his missing legs. Perhaps it was mean to cut them off. Perhaps it was mean to cause a famine. Perhaps it was mean to force Ranpo to watch cannibalism.
Atsushi smirked. Finally, everyone realised how terrible Pokkle was. Now maybe they’d give Atsushi the funeral he deserved.