The universe hates me.

English yayyyy

I floated in the blackness, happy as a clam, thinking that the universe just played a prank on me. No harm done right? Ha ha, it was pretty funny wasn't it, now that I think about it. You got me good! Alright universe, bring it on! I'm hoping for a redwood, but I think being a flower would be cool too. 

I waited for the darkness to embrace me.

I waited.

And waited.

Universe? I thought. Technical difficulties? You okay there, buddy? 

Someone is laughing. Why were they laughing?

I woke up with a start, slightly stunned. My limbs still felt too long, my hair too short, my eyesight too sharp. Something warm was bubbling under my skin. It felt like it was supposed to be comforting, but the unfamiliarity made it frightening. 

"Ah, you're awake! Gave Maito-san quite a scare. Your Yin chakra was fluctuating in some... odd patterns, but we've got it under control. You were asleep for about 18 hours- how are you feeling?"

I was in a hospital room with a Japanese looking nurse hovering over me. I understood what she said, but it went in through one ear and out through the other. Probably the affect from the coma. So I wasn't dead. Even though I'd been making a fuss about being reincarnated, I didn't actually want to die. I had a family, good schooling, and a somewhat stable future ahead of me. These medical costs would set me back quite a bit, though, but I could make do. I was alive. Speaking of being alive...

I wiggled my toes. How was I alive? I was wearing a hospital gown, so I just peaked under it. First thing I noticed was a lack of scars. The fact that I even had toes, legs and hips meant that something had been reattached, but there were no scars, other than a couple of older ones. I was very... separated, last I remember, so having no scars was very weird. The second thing I noticed was a lack of boobs, and everything came flowing back. It's true. I'm... I'm...

I blacked out again.

When I came to, the same nurse was bustling in. "Hatake-san," she said mildly, setting down her tray, "If you were theoretically injured, you'd immediately come to the hospital, right?" 

0-100 real quick, lady. I shivered. Scary.

(She's nothing.)

I decided to ignore the voice in my head.

"And even if you weren't," she added. Her friendly cadence hadn't changed, but I felt more and more uneasy as she went on. "You just blacked out. That's the second time in 24 hours that we know of. Your last mission was three days ago, the only time you could've gotten injured. Injuries like these don't just pop up out of nowhere, Hatake-san. So, and correct me if I'm wrong, Hatake-san, surely, surely you'd come in once you realized that you were blacking out."

(...scary.)

Yes, very. But something was amiss. The language they were speaking, it definitely wan't English. It took me forever to realize, but that was probably because I understood it perfectly. It sounded a lot like Japanese, just a little off. That was another point into the "I don't think I'm in a coma I think I just got isekai'd god dammit" category. I don't think my brain could make up a language this clear, especially since it could barely do basic tasks.

"Ah, yeah. Sorry about that." I said. This was the first time I'd spoken out loud since I was disemboweled, and I didn't really like it. I had been used to hearing my own voice in my head for two decades, so suddenly hearing another one in its place was uncomfortable. 

The nurse blinked at me. "Repeat that again, Hatake-san?"

"Ah, yeah. Sorry about that?" I repeated. The nurse stared. " Uh... Maa?" I tacked on, realizing that a sudden personality change may not be a good idea. She ket staring, despite my flawless impression.

(You're speaking the wrong language.)

...Oh.

Idiot! I thought at myself. But it wasn't my fault, right? I mean, if you automatically understood this world's language then you'd assume you'd be able to speak it as well, right? Right?! If you're gonna give me the ability to understand a totally new language, then you might as well let me speak it! What kind of half-assed reincarnation is this???

(...)

But I had bigger fish to fry. I'd already aroused suspicion by talking gibberish, and the fact that I was even there is going to set off tons of red flags. The moment I got up, for example. These people were ninjas, they'd definitely notice that I was acting and moving differently! Kakashi also recently got back from a mission too, and had just blacked out twice (whoops, sorry), and on top of that, the nurse said that my yin chakra was "fluctuating". They'd probably assume that I'm some sort of imposter and kill me immediately. I personally wouldn't mind, now being stuck in this shitty shitty world, but Kakashi and the main characters would. I remembered hearing something about how Gai sensei lost the use of his legs at the end of Shippuden, and this Gai wasn't in a wheelchair, which meant that the all the crappy stuff was yet to come and Kakashi was definitely still needed.

"Dammit, this is hard," I muttered out loud. The nurse, who was all fiery a minute ago, slowly backed out of the room. "Gotta make sure he doesn't die with me, gotta figure out where the fuck I am,"

(Konoha. I thought we established this)

So wise. So masterful. Thank you for your insight, all hail.

I didn't mean locationally, that much was obvious. I meant time-wise. That would affect my planning and actions, as I knew more about the beginning of the story and not much else. My memory was foggy though, and I wasn't sure if I'd even remember any of the details.

"This sucks, this sucks, this suckkkkkkkssssss," I grumbled. A new nurse popped in and checked my IV with a frown. She shined a light into my pupils and I instinctively hissed at the sudden brightness, too tired to give a shit. Her frown deepened and she quickly retreated and bustled out of the room.

(Maa, You're giving a bad reputation. They think I've caught the crazies.)

A pause.

(At least I have a whole library of Icha Icha in here to keep me company.)

" Great." I muttered to myself, before promptly realizing that I was talking to Hatake Kakashi. The super cool ninja. The one who trains team seven. The one who becomes Hokage. The one who helps save the fucking world. And the one who's body I was currently stuck in. A horrible thought dawned on me. If I was the one stuck in his body, and we were early enough in the timeline... 

I couldn't fight. Couldn't teach, couldn't do ninja magic, nada, I wasn't even sure if I could read, since apparently I couldn't even speak. I can't teach team 7. I can't be a ninja. I can't be a Hokage. I can't save the world.

"Kakashi." 

I snapped my head over, my pessimistic thoughts evaporating. Asuma Sarutobi himself was standing right there. Which was really cool, but meant he was probably going to send me to T&I. Better than sitting here and being depressed, I suppose. Maybe they can get a Yamanaka to kill me.

(Don't be like that. It would be really embarrassing if they accidentally killed me too.)

I ignored him.