Chapter 3
I needed a plan, and I needed one fast. I couldn't deceive them, couldn't fight... The only thing I could do was turn myself in and hope they wouldn't torture me, and wing it from there. Not much of a plan, but it was something.
"Oh no. You caught me," I said. "Guess you gotta turn me in."
He blinked at me. "Kakashi-san?" He asked tentatively, "A nurse told me to check in on you."
So he wasn't here to drag me off? My mind started racing, and it seemed like I was thinking faster than I ever could have in my old body.
From what the scary nurse said before, I had been asleep for 18 hours. That's a long time, it'd make sense for someone to check up on me, even though you'd think it'd be Gai. He's probably busy running those 200 laps around the village, though.
But I digress.
I was looking at things from my perspective, not the nurse's. The nurse would've seen Kakashi wake up after presumably hiding an injury. He would've started speaking gibberish, and while it was alarming, it wasn't a grounds for an interrogation. This should've been good news, but it was bad. Judging by Kakashi's memories (when did I get those?), the moment they suspected something, especially concerning one of the nation's top ranked Jounin, they'd place an ANBU guard around them 24/7, which was super creepy. I let my think pause for a sec, not used to making conclusions this fast. Somewhere along the way I realized that I got some of Kakashi's memories. Nothing specific, just some protocols and memorable missions, but enough to realize what they'd do to me.
After observing me, they'd promptly realize that something was up and probably assume that I'm a crappy imposter. Then they'd drag me to T&I and I'd get to know what the T really stood for, once they realized that I wasn't Kakashi. They might even end up doing something really bad to me, him, us. If I told them that this was the real Kakashi's body they'd might not believe me and then they might permanently injure him and then everyone would fucking die and it'd be all my fault-
"Kakashi-san?"
Asuma's voice snapped me out again. I realized that I was maybe hyperventilating, but I knew what I needed to do now. If I got into T&I later rather than sooner, then they already would've performed surveillance and definitely would've known that I wasn't Kakashi. Henges are pretty common in this world, so they'd probably assume that someone else was imitating him, rather than someone possessing him. Then the torturing time begins.
"But why don't you just have a Yamanaka do their thing?" The imaginary voice in my head asks. good question. According to some memories I've scrounged up, Yamanaka are hesitant to go into an enemy shinobi's mind without prep, as the enemy could force them out and potentially damage the Yamanaka. You apparently have to do some psychological damage first so the mind won't try to force you out, and I don't know about you, but that doesn't seem very fun. The more damage you do, the less likely the Yamanaka will be injured, but some memories might be lost. T&I prefers to er on the side of caution, however, which is great for the Yamanaka but not so great for me. The Naruto world is brutal, man.
I could always show them the Sharingan, but there were always dojutsu stealers, and that plan had a lot of ifs and question marks. Even if everything did work out in the end, it would take days more than the other plan. We also need a Yamanaka to confirm that I'm not malicious, but I'm not big on the whole "psychological warfare" thing. I could also just ask to see a Yamanaka, but that would be weird coming from Kakashi, and I'd probably need to set up an appointment, which would give the ANBU around me time to think that something was very wrong. There was one in the room right now, how many more would they assign if they thought something was up?
If I did something now, however, and got into T&I immediately, they'd probably hear me out and still think of me as Kakashi. I could get someone to hook me up with as Yamanaka and tada! Everything tied up in a neat little bow. There were flaws in that plan too, but I still thought it was better. All I had to do was something extreme; not enough to really hurt someone, but enough to get me checked out.
"Kakashi-san? Can you hear me?"
Speaking of Kakashi...
Hey. You good with this?
A beat.
(It'd be easier if you'd let me have my body back.)
I blinked. It hadn't even occurred to me to just... give up control. I guess I have been a bit forward. I closed my eyes and imagined giving up control...
You better be trying too.
(Maa, what kind of question is that? I've tried several times. Are you saying you didn't feel anything?)
Nope.
(...)
A bit of an awkward silence lingered.
So that's a yes to the plan?
(Not much of a plan, but it's the best you can do, it seems)
A little part of me felt nice at the sideways compliment. That little part of me died when I realized Asuma was still in the room. How long had he been there?
"Kakashi-san?" He asked again. "I know you hate hospitals, but should I call the head doctor? You don't look... yourself."
What did I say? Ninjas. Observant little shits. It didn't matter what he thought of Kakashi right now though, it was time to do something drastic. Kakashi's clothes were stacked on a nightstand nearby, and on top of those, a small kunai pouch rested innocently.
I got this, I thought. I sent up a quick prayer to the gods of muscle memory and ninja skills, and lunged for the pouch.
He never saw it coming. I had him up against the wall with a kunai against his throat before he could blink. Wow. Ninja skills really are amazing.
(...He should've seen that coming.)
What?
More silence. He really did like his dramatic pauses, didn't he? But it was weird. Even with Kakashi's muscle memory, I shouldn't have been able to move that fast, and Asuma should've seen it coming. Oh, right. Asuma.
I snapped out of it and pressed the blade into his throat. I belatedly realized that Kakashi's eye had been uncovered and was now open, so the tomoe were probably spinning pretty wildly. Intimidation factor to the max! Now time to make some threats.
"I'm gonna rip out your eyeballs and stuff 'em down your throat!" Pretty great, if I do say so myself. That was a great threat, especially with Kakashi's deep voice! It's kinda weird to get used too, but it has its uses.
...Did I just hear a snort? Hey, if you want to say something about my marvelous insult, you might as well say it right out! I put my heart and soul into that, y'know?
(Maa, maa, chill. It's great. Divine. Otherworldly. Majestic.)
Yes, and? And where did you learn the word "chill"?
(Oh, You know... around. And wrong language.)
Wrong lan- god dammit. Ughhh. Even though you'd think it'd be easy differentiating between two completely different languages, the weird translating affect makes it seem like the Japanese speakers are speaking English. I can tell that it's not English if I really focus, but if I don't it's easy to forget.
(Have you actually tried speaking Japanese?)
...
Ohhhhhhh. Now that I think about it, I hadn't. I'd just talked like I always did, so of course it came out as English. But if I actively tried speaking Japanese...
"Kakashi?" Asuma said lightly. Oh, right. I was still pinning him to the wall with a kunai to his throat, and I was so lost in thought that I didn't know how much time had passed. I tightened my grip and held it flush against his skin, and I watched as a single drop of blood rolled down his neck. Now was the moment of truth.
"Don't. Move." Those words were different this time, I knew it immediately. Japanese! I'm sorry for calling you useless, translating powers! Thanks to you, I can communicate! Yes!
But it seemed like my vocabulary was limited. I blanked on what to say next. I wanted to do the eyes down the throat one, but I didn't know the words for stuff, and rip, and it didn't seem like it'd translate well, anyways. So I needed something simple but intimidating...
"Kakashi, it's me-"
"I know who you are, Sarutobi," I snarled. That shut him up - the last name was a good choice. I did my best to sound unhinged. It worked, because I was. Truth is, this whole stuffed-into-a-shinobis-body- thing isn't treating me well. I'm stressed as hell, I'm in a guy's body for the foreseeable future, and if I do something wrong I'll kill the entire world. But now's not the time to worry. I need help, and I'm either going to get it or die trying. And the first step to getting help was to make myself look crazy enough for a visit to T&I.
I unconsciously loosened my grip again and Asuma, who finally realized that I wasn't going to let go, took advantage. We briefly tussled before he managed to pin me to the ground, my back up to him.
"Ka-" I didn't give him a chance to say Kakashi's name (It was getting annoying) as I flipped up and flicked my wrists. The kunai I had hid near in my sleeves slid neatly into my hands and Kakashi made a sound of approval. Not bad for a civilian, I thought. Too late, I realized that something else was wrong with my plan. Ninja went off the rails all the time, especially if they were, you know, child soldiers in a war that killed the only friends they ever had. Jumpy little shits, and Kakashi was the jumpiest of all. This wouldn't be enough. I had to really go all out.
I bared my teeth. Showtime.