Chapter 1
J groaned. That damn bird. How could such a small thing be making so much racket. "Would you shut the frick up?!" (J always made sure that she didn't swear, it was against company policy)
The crow simply looked at her, almost smugly, ugh sometimes J wished she could kill it.
She had no idea why on JCJenson in Spaaaaaaaace's name would Cyn, the eldritch murderer, would want to get pets. First it was that crow, then the dog, then, just recently, the cat, which was J's favourite out of the three.
J didn't even know where Cyn got them, last she checked, all Earth animals were dead. When she asked Cyn where she got them, she would say "The Store" for the dog an bird, and outside, for the cat.
J had no idea why a cat was outside in space, but to be fair she saw weirder things. She was very annoyed when the bird and the cat interrupted her- uhm- roleplaying, (FOR PROFFESIONAL REASONS OBVIOUSLY) to try and kill each other. She heard footsteps from outside the room and a distinct voice
"Walking. Opening door. Hello. J. Have you finished working on the Super-Secret plan yet?" Cyn asked
"Not yet boss." She sighed. "That damn bird is distracting me from my beautiful work."
"Ah. Okay. Kneeling. Uzi-Bird? If you do not stop making noises that distract J from making our Super-Secret plan, I am afraid I will have to eat you. Again. Giggle."
Again? Cyn had eaten that chicken before? Why couldn't it have stayed eaten?
Cyn paused for a really long time, while the rooster squawked, sounding about as indignant as a bird can be. She often tried to converse with the pets, but J wasn't sure if she could actually talk to them, or if it was something Cyn made up, trying to mimic a little girl as she always did.
The idea made her sick to stomach now.
Finally the magpie stopped it's insufferable screeching. Cyn said. "Blink. Expressionless Blink. Well f--- you too."
J stared at her. She had never heard Cyn swear before. But she had filters, like the rest of them? Were swearing filters to powerful for Cyn? Could someone beat them with swearing filters? She would have to look into that, the Super-Secret plan had to go perfectly.
She was interrupted, once again, by the dog, barking excitably, trying to play with the cat, who hissed any time it got close. J picked the cat up causing it to hiss and scratch and placed it on the table. "It can't get you up here. No one should be forced to engage in frivolous activities with that annoying mutt. Work is better. Way better."
The cat hit her with its paws multiple times, and then seemed to realize it was safe. It sniffed J's cup of oil before settling down next to the papers and purring. J scratched it's ears, as she worked, finding that productivity was increased by about 15%, maybe even higher.
Cats were great.
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"Boss what are you doing?"
"Entertaining the pets. Crawl"
J looked up at the wall, from which Cyn was crawling upside, partially in eldritch form. The pets seemed more terrified if anything.
"Why do you bother with them?" She asked. "They're distracting me from my workaholic ways."
"Simple. They have all murdered thousands."
"Even the dog?"
"Especially the N-dog. Jump. He just doesn't know it yet."
J looked at her, and sighed. No point trying to reason and argue with Cyn, especially when there was work to be done. She would have to find the cat as well, if she wanted productivity to increase, like it did last time.
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Uzi stared out into trying to grasp what she just saw.
"What the fuck was that?"
N gasped. "Profanity! Bark."
"It's fine N. It’s not like we are robots with their stupid censors. Bark."
"I suppose so..."
That thing was terror beyond all compression, despite its silliness. It reminded Uzi of when she had been eaten by the Skinwalker-Nightmare thing, which she didn't remember much because Robo-Satan gave her a lobotomy soon after. She, being Uzi, she didn't stay eaten for long, but she was 100% traumatised. Yay!
Across the room, sitting next to Ponytails, she could V smirking at her with her DUMB SMUG SMIRK! UGH! SHE HATED HER! Like any good punk emo teenage crow, she had to find someone to detest with her entire being. V was that. But for some reason the workaholic liked her. Neither the Sleep Paralysis Demon, nor Miss Smug Face liked her. But that was FINE because they were STUPID ANYWAY.
"It seems." V gloated from across the room. "That neither of the robots, though I'm not sure if that nightmarish thing can be considered a robot, like you, pigeon."
Ugh! It was as she could read her mind.
"BITE ME! Also I'm not a PIGEON!"
"I'm sorry, Parrot."
"CROW!"
"Duck."
"CROOOW!"
"Guys! Guys! Calm down." N said. "Why can't we all be friends together."
There was a beat. Silence.
"BORING!"
"HECK NO!!!!!"