Walburga's favorite person in the entirety of the university
Walburga was sulking all morning. Yet, she knew there was nothing she could do about it. Her insanely adorable grandson had sent her a letter telling her all about a ... a Malfoy. Of course it had to be a Malfoy of all people. Of-Fucking-course. It seemed that every single child she raised had to rebel against her in some kind of way...
And yet, Harry was her favorite. Her absolute bloody favorite. And if he said that the boy would look nothing like a Malfoy, then how could she possibly say no?
"SIRIUS ORION BLACK! I NEED THE FIRE WHISKEY!" She would have called for Kreacher, but Sirius had stashed the alcohol somewhere and the elf had trouble finding it for some reason.
"No chance IN HELL, YOU'VE NEVER MET YOURSELF WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK!" Sirius had seen his mother drunk, and it always ended with something unexplained happening to the Malfoy family.
"IT'S NOT MY BLOODY FAULT THAT YOUR SON HAS DECIDED THAT HE'S GOING TO MARRY LUCIUS MALFOY'S SON IN SEVEN YEARS. SO GET ME THE BLOODY FUCKING FIRE WHISKEY OR SO HELP ME MERLIN I WILL BURN DOWN THIS WHOLE ENTIRE HOUSE!" Her eye was twitching are her hand was grasping her wand roughly. She was ready to burn the house down if her son dared to contest her over it.
Her son dove into the room clutching a bottle of fire whiskey in his hand. As he shoved the bottle into her hand, he snatched up the letter that Harry had sent, just to confirm that he had heard his mother correctly.
He had. Dear Merlin he had heard her correctly. Harry had... Harry had... A Malfoy of all people. Merlin's bloody fucking saggy right testicle.
"He... Dear Merlin give me that," He snatched the already half drunk bottle out of his Mother's hand, "Sadly it seems that whatever happened between James and Lily is obviously genetic."
"It happened between you and Remus too, dear. Obviously it's genetic through the Black family." Walburga snatched the bottle back. She needed it more than he did.
"REMUS HARRY IS PLANNING ON MARRYING MALFOY!" Remus basically slid into the room from running so quickly. He took the fire whiskey and drowned the rest of it. He knew that this would happen. He knew in the back of his mind that it would happen. Chaos followed Harry like the plague.
It was the next day that Harry received a letter that had obviously been written by three very drunk guardians. However, it bore very good news. The best news he had ever gotten.
He plopped down into Draco's lap, which Draco had become accustom to over the last two days. Harry would just walk over, and just plop into his lap. And other times Harry would straight up just drag Draco into his lap.
"Draco, good news. They have written in response to my letter telling them all about their opinions. Read it, Read it Draco, It's absolutely wonderful." Harry's grin was actually pretty damn terrifying. All of the first year Slytherins that were not his friends had flinched simultaneously, as the smile was surely a sign of something going wrong. Something absolutely disastrous.
Dear My favorite person in the universe,
Hello dear Harry, T'is I, you're Granny Walburga. I write bearing wonderful news.
I have decided, and I swear on all fire whiskey that I am not lying, that we accept your choice.
Yes, I know-
Harry I love you so much, you dyed his hair? and you promise he isn't like his dad? ~Dog-father
ignore that buffoon, I will let you marry this boy, but only because I love you.
-HARRY DON'T YOU DARE GO ANYWHERE ON THURSDAY, DON'T YOU DARE, NO. JUST DON'T. JUST SLEEP.
Oh and tell the Malfoy boy that I am so sorry that he is going to have to Marry you. That poor boy I feel so bad for you Malfoy,
I have to put up with them all, and I for one am in the same boat as you, if you ever need to vent about him,
just write me. And when Thursday comes, please drug him with dreamless sleep. It's the only way to stop him. and even that
doesn't work sometimes. But it's worth a try.
Love all of your guardians,
Wally Balusa, Dog-Father, and Mooney *DONT YOU DARE DO ANYTHING ON THURSDAY*
Draco had paled drastically. Walburga had accepted that Harry was going to marry him... Walburga wasn't going to kill him... Oh dear Merlin was this his life now?
"Isn't this great news? Granny accepts you, Sirius will love you, and Remus has decided that he will let you confide in him! They may have all been drunk when they wrote this, but they've accepted you! My Grandmother will never try to throw an urn at your head ever again!" Harry's enthusiasm did nothing to cover up the words he had said. Ron Weasley laughed as Daphne's eyes twinkled with amusement. Draco tried to beat his head against the table and everyone else around them nearly went into shock. They had thought that that was just a rumor.
"Are you sure it's not Thursday?" McGonagall asked without turning away from the situation. Snape, who was right next to her, wanted to look away, but couldn't. The boy had all of his Slytherins flinching and paling and over all shying away from him. He wanted to cry out of frustration. What had Walburga done with the child to make him... like this? What had all three of the boy's guardians done? They had created a group of little monsters that surpassed the Marauders by far.
"It's only Tuesday, and if this chaos keeps up, I'm going on vacation every single Thursday for the rest of the time that the boy is here." Snape was absolutely serious, and Minerva McGonagall was right behind him on that. If the occurrences of the last two days were normal then they were all damned for the next seven years.
In fact, somehow the boy had angered the sorting hat so much that it had gone on a rant once it was back in Dumbledore's office. It had screamed about how the little monster most certainly was going to cause chaos. There was nothing else it really could say, as everything it saw in his brain had to be kept a secret.
"HARRY DON'T!" But of course he had continued to take his mattress and slide down the moving stair case. Of course he didn't stop, and of course that caused him to hit the group of students who were waiting to get on the stairs he was riding down. Daphne was used to things like this, and Ron was encouraging Harry to do it, and somehow, Draco had been roped into being on the Mattress. That meant that Harry had grabbed him and then pushed off.
Hence why Draco had screamed for him to not do what he was about to do.
They were going to die, Draco was absolutely sure of it. The stairs were going to move and they were going to go falling to the ground. The Mattress would do nothing to break their fall, if anything, it would aid in their deaths, as it would probably land on top of them.
"We're gonna die, Gonna die, oh my god we're gonna die. Dead. They'll have to scrape us off of the floor." Draco wasn't going to stop anytime soon, so Harry just decided to interrupt him.
"Relax, Darling, nothings going to happen to us. Honestly, if you're so stressed out about it, just close your eyes and enjoy the breeze." That didn't do much to ease Draco's nerves, if anything, it made them worse.
"Relax? RELAX? HOW CAN I RELAX WHEN WE COULD GO OFF OF THESE STAIRS AT ANY MOMENT AND DIE? HOW COULD ANYONE BE CALM IN THIS SITUATION?" Draco's eye twitched as all of Hogwarts heard his screams, "Ah yes, I forgot, you're loony. That's it. Absolutely mad, and you expect me to be just the same. WELL, I'M NOT. I'M SANE." Funnily enough, Draco had ceased his screaming when he realized that they were calmly at the end of the stair slide, and had glided onto the floor.
He looked up at all of the chaos that their trip down the stairs had caused and shuddered.
"Holy Morgana's saggy left tit, we're going to be expelled." His tone was what any one person would call astonished, and it wasn't because they had a fun ride down, or that it was a good idea after all. It was because they were going to be the first people in the History of Hogwarts to be expelled before they finished their first week of school.
"You really must calm yourself, Dear, we won't be expelled. Nobody died, and really, that's what it takes to be expelled from this lovely establishment.
Those were the last words either of them could get out before Madame Pomfrey came storming through the school like a nesting dragon. Dozens of children had been injured from Harry's chaos. Yet, somehow, both of the children that were riding the mattress down the stairs remained uninjured in any way.
"I didn't want anything to do with this mess. I promise. I told him it was a bad idea and that he shouldn't do it. He didn't listen, and then, right as he was in the middle of not listening to me, he decided that I was going to come along for the ride, and drug me onto the Mattress right as he started to slide. I have never been so scared for my life. You must believe me when I say that I honestly thought that that was how I was going to die." Draco was now ranting at Madam Pomfrey, telling her about how traumatized he would surely be from the whole ordeal.
"Really Draco, I told you nothing would happen to us, and look at us, we remain uninjured." Harry Potter-Lupin-Black's smiles were proving to always cause an uneasy feeling in everyone's stomachs. They could really only mean one thing. He was either going to do something, or he had already done it. Either way, it was enough to make ones skin absolutely crawl.
"I... I think I need to write a letter to my parents. I'm sure they are quite worried, as I haven't found time to write to them yet. Please, do excuse me." Draco rushed off, trying to get as far away from the chaos as possible. He had made it away just in time for Snape and Sprout to start to speak to Harry.
"You... You're going to be in detention for the rest of your natural born life. You will leave this school, and you will spend your days working and your nights scrubbing cauldrons in my office." Snape's drawl was anything but calm, and yet, he hadn't started yelling yet. It was almost as if he were in shock that the boy had done this.
"I'm disappointed in you, Mr. Potter-Lupin-Black. You could have killed one of your classmates." Was it bad that Harry had looked more sorry when Professor Sprout had said that than when Snape had set detentions for the rest of his life? Surely someone thought so, but for Harry, he wasn't nearly sorry enough to care. Nobody died, so he really didn't see what the big deal was. After all, it was Thursday, and they really should have expected this.
Dear Mum and Dad,
I'm slightly scared. Harry Potter-Lupin-Black has decided that he is going to marry me.
I was happy to be sorted in a different house than him, and yet, he still finds it in him to spend most of
his time right next to me, dragging me aling on some crazy plot to get us killed.
I fear that I will never escape. I fear that one day I may not want to, but today is a day that I do.
You see, he pushed us down the moving stairs on a mattress. We were surely going to die, and yet
somehow we avoided all injury. That's more than at least three dozen other people can say.
Though, I have befriended Harry's other people. Daphne Greengrass is good at giving advice. I should
have listened when she said to not stand where I was. Alas, I thought I had stepped far enough back.
Ron Weasley is not nearly as bad as you described his family. He has crude language, but really,
who wouldn't when they've had to put up with Harry for their whole lives.
Walburga Black has also approved of Harry's choices, and Harry had dyed my hair.
Though I do rather like my hair, I just cannot believe that my life has turned out this way.
I just don't know what to do. It seems that there will never be another calm part of my life ever again.
Love your son,
Draco
Lucius Malfoy was sobbing when he read the letter his son had sent. How could this be happening? Walburga's hell spawn of a Grandson was trying to steal his only heir. His own son was being stolen from him by Walburga's grandson.
Narcissa stared at her sobbing husband as he curled up into a ball whispering 'why me' over and over.
"It's simple, dear. Harry has obviously gotten the Black Family genes to the point where he has decided he was going to marry our son upon sight. James Potter did the same, Sirius did the same... Hell, even I did the same with you. It just happens. That, and Walburga has favored her grandson in many ways, and if her grandson likes Draco, then she will accept Draco.
"Anyways, I have always wondered what he would look like with my hair. I'm sure it suites him. Now if only you would do the same. Though I don't think it will fit you quite as well. Oh do stop sobbing, there is nothing that will be able to change the events of this. All we can do is invite Harry to spend a day here, and get to know him. He seems every bit as chaotic as Walburga, but I'm sure he will try his best to impress us." Narcissa was used to the Potter-Lupin-Black boy's behavior. It was the type of behavior that frolicked through the Black family.
Of course, it was only a matter of time before Lucius would actually have to live with one of the crazier people being closely related to him... obviously they weren't counting Bellatrix.
"But first, we're going to have to delve into my families library and remove that dreaded mark on your arm. No weakness shall be allowed in this family now that Draco will be marrying that boy. It's unbecoming of our family to bow to someone that half of my family can outmatch on a bad day." Lucius stared at his wife for a moment before giving in... He knew that Draco was right. One day, he wouldn't mind being chosen by Harry Potter-Lupin-Black.
He just really didn't want to be even more closely related to the Woman who had hit him with their most precious family heirloom. It took him weeks to get those ashes out of his hair.
Poor Draco... he'd just have to get over it. Once Draco got past the crazy, he'd realize how hard it was to not fall for a member of the Black family once they've chosen you. After all, they'd give you the world if you asked for it, and all they asked for in return was that you listen to them. You didn't even have to submit to their will, though, that would be near impossible.
Besides, the protection was fabulous, as most people just generally didn't want to fuck with the Black family. Really, only insane people would try to do anything to the Black family, and nine times out of ten, that insane person was also part of the Black family.
Yes, they really needed to remove that mark, because if Walburga found out that Voldemort tried to claim her favorite Nieces husband, no matter how much she may hate that husband, well, the world would burn. And though the woman probably already knew, Lucius rather not be caught in the cross fire if Voldemort did end up coming back.