Two
*Our strong hero Nimba pops out of nowhere to meet his best friend/future girlfriend Sala in the middle of the desert*
Sala was a stunning lioness, strong and amazing. She smoked cigarettes and ate hyenas in her free time, and her daily job was to patrol the borders of the continent of Africa to make sure no warring tribes from Norway (or other similarly dangerous regions) made it across. She was happy with her job, happy with her cigarettes, and happy with the hyenas she loved to devour.
As Timon and David approached the edge of the border to Hogwarts, a bright blue police box appeared.
“What the fuuuuuck is that?” Asked Timon, pointing at the box.
“Dunno,” said David. “I’m just a terrorist.”
The door to the police box opened, and out emerged a… man?
“Who are you?” Asked Timon, looking him up and down.
The man was wearing a pair of square glasses and a frazzled expression. He looked a lot like David Tennant.
“Are you David Tennant?” Asked Timon.
“No,” replied Not-David-Tennant. “I’m the Doctor.”
*Angels sing*
Another voice came from the box, now. “That can’t be right-” this time, a woman emerged from the box. “I’m the Doctor!”
She was short, with blond hair and an odd t-shirt.
“But so am I!” Said another voice, of a guy wearing a fez, a bow tie, and a tweed jacket.
The woman looked like Jodie Whittaker, and the (second) man looked like Matt Smith. But that couldn’t be- all of them had claimed to be somebody called the Doctor.
“Let’s get this straight,” said Timon. “You’re all the Doctor?”
They nodded in unison.
“These-” The Female Doctor said, “These guys- they’re all me!”
“And I’m him!” Said the guy who looked like Matt Smith, pointing at the guy who looked like David Tennant. “But I don’t know her.”
“I don’t know any of you,” said Tennant. “I just escaped the Library- have any of you seen Hermione?”
“Hermione?”
“My companion! Hermione Granger!”
It was a well-known fact that Talking Bananas only had rights in Norway; all else, they were either slaves or food, depending on the region.
Suddenly, Jack Black emerged with an army of Pandas.
Jack Black: I HAVE COME TO CHALLENGE THE KING!
Obama: You don’t fuck with me bro.
Jack Black: I HAVE BROUGHT MY ARMY OF PANDAS TO FIGHT YOU! WE HAVE TRAVELED FAR AND WIDE, ACROSS THE BORDERS OF AFRICA, THROUGH THE DISGUSTING REGION OF NORWAY (WHERE BANANAS HAVE RIGHTS) AND THROUGH THE SCHOOL ‘HOGWARTS’ IN THE HOPES OF FINDING YOU AND CHALLENGING YOU TO A DUEL. WHOEVER WINS SHALL WIN THE COUNTRY, AND THE RIGHT TO RULE IT AS KING.
Obama: And… whoever loses?
Jack Black: WHOEVER LOSES SHALL BECOME… A PANDA!
The Doctors and Timon and David had finally made it to Hogwarts.
“What exactly are we doing here?” Asked David.
“We’re going to find River,” said Thirteen.
“And Amy,” said Eleven.
“And Hermione,” said Ten, looking hopefully at the school.
“And then,” said Thirteen, “we’ll have all of our companions with us, and we can go dig the Panama canal.”
They made it through the gates, then stood in the quad near the dormitories. The two male Doctors watched as Thirteen picked up a handful of soil and ate it.
“Well,” she said, “it seems Hermione is nearby- somewhere in her dormitory in the Ravenclaw tower.” She licked the dirt again. “And River’s in the great hall, for literally no reason. And Amy’s snogging Rory behind a tapestry. Yikes. Did not need to know that. No wonder this place has such poor trip advisor ratings.”
They did indeed find River in the Great Hall. She was talking to none other than the famous Harry Potter, and the less-famous-but-still-sorta-famous Draco Malfoy. They were drawing the following on a napkin:
pictureofagrotesquemonster.jpg
“Creative as always, Song,” Thirteen said. River looked up, only to see three different Doctors staring at her. Oh, and an elephant and a meerkat.
“Why are there three of you?” River Song asked the Doctor(s).
“I don’t know,” replied David, helplessly. “I’m just a terrorist.”