kamishiro-san, can you speak up?
I hate waking up in the mornings. It's always so cold. Plus my arm really hurts. I roll over and wrap my blanket around my body and curl into a ball to preserve heat. I guess Papa told Mama about me sleeping in and missing school, since Mama comes back a few minutes after waking me up and tells me I seriously need to get up. I grumble but stand up anyway.
Mama leaves and I take this time to examine my stinging arm. I only need to halfway roll up my sleeve to see why. I didn't even bother to clean it. I walk to the bathroom and run my arm under the water until the blood washes away. I roll my sleeve back up and walk to the kitchen for breakfast. Shiro miso and a small bowl of assorted fruits and vegetables await me on the table.
I spend most of my breakfast picking apart the fruits and vegetables, occasionally sipping on the miso that's still very hot. Mama is busy wondering where all the coffee has gone. She asks me if I know where all the coffee is going. I don't respond. I don't have the heart to lie to her, and staying quiet isn't technically lying. She sighs and returns her search.
Halfway through my breakfast, Mama tells me I should start getting ready for school. I don't say anything in response. I stand up and walk to my room and complain internally that I couldn't finish my breakfast. I get dressed and have a long staring contest with Kiseki, who's resting on my bed. I throw a blanket over him and leave my room. I grab my bag and put on my shoes and receive a 'have-a-nice-day-at-school-even-though-I-know-school-is-the-last-thing-you-want-to-
do-right-now' kiss from Mama.
She tells me to behave and I turn and leave without responding. I shut the door behind me and set out on my walk to school. The whole way, I'm thinking about my arm. I'm not that depressed, am I? Surely I wouldn't resort to something like that. Maybe I'm not in my own body. Maybe I was abducted by scientists or aliens and put through a simulation to study me. That'd be cruel.
Maybe I'm not in my body. This isn't me. This voice isn't mine, these actions aren't mine, these thoughts aren't mine, this hair isn't mine, these clothes aren't mine, this body isn't mine. I'm not me. That would explain so much…
———
Literature: A mind-numbing hell where Tsukasa-san keeps trying to talk to me and I shake my head because I don't want to get caught talking in the middle of class because then I'd get in trouble. Maths, even worse of a mind-numbing hell because Tsukasa-san isn't in this class bothering me, and my teacher keeps trying to get me to do something—anything to bring attention to myself. He keeps asking me to answer questions or to be an example of something or to just say something.
Everytime he does that, it's in front of everyone else and it does bring attention to me. It makes so many people turn to look at me to see what I'll do and everytime that happens, I wish for nothing more than to crawl into the corner and die in embarrassment.
Gym is a freezing, mind-numbing hell. The issue is, I'm required to change into my gym clothes even if I refuse to participate. That's fine enough on its own, but…I never dressed my injuries. So the whole time, I keep my cut (my right) arm held to my chest with the excuse that my wrist feels sore. My clean (my left) arm does any grabbing for stuff from my bag or the floor for whatever reason.
I stop by the nurse's office halfway through gym and start searching for a roll of bandages. The nurse asks me what I'm doing. I ignore her and keep searching. I find the roll of bandages and she nods, then asks me why. My brain comes up with some bullshit lie and I point to my upper thigh. I know the nurse would probably not feel too comfortable with treating a pre-teen boy with an injury way too close to his No-No Square. She nods and tells me how to use them and yada-yada go in the restroom so she doesn't have to see me roll up my pants all the way to my thigh and get blinded by pale skin.
Off to the restroom I go. I roll my sleeve up and make sure to also roll up my pant leg loud enough for the nurse to hear. Back to my arm. I've managed to only count five cuts, all along my inner forearm, so it won't require too much work. I start the bandage wrapping at the crook of my elbow and wrap it around my arm down to the wrist.
Down the sleeve and pant leg rolls, the latter making noise to make it sound like I treated my leg rather than my arm. I leave the small room and put the bandages back where I found them. She tells me not to use my leg too much before I leave without even responding.
I write with my left hand for the rest of the day.
———
On my walk back home, I run into Shadow. She instantly rushes over and starts brushing herself all over my legs and purring. I kneel down and scratch behind her ears and on her chin and her back and at the base of her tail. She continues purring and butting her head against my hand and legs. I give her a few more pets as a goodbye, then stand and continue my walk home.
Shadow follows behind, purring loudly. I don't have any food for you, I want to tell her. But my throat's too dry to let any voice slip past. She keeps following me and I just let her. I lead her all the way to my house and drop my bag right before the door. I empty out my bag of all its books and papers. I'll pick those up later.
Carefully, I put one hand under Shadow's chest, right behind her front legs, and put the other hand around her stomach. She tries to wiggle out of my hold, so I quickly put her in my bag. She doesn't even try to hop out of the bag. I close it and make sure there's still a hole for her to breathe through, then loop the bag strap over my shoulder and walk inside. All I can tell is she's rather light for an adult cat.
I walk to the box of wheat cereal and grab a handful of it. I look around. Mama's nowhere in sight. Neither is Papa. So I open my bag and hold my hand full of cereal in front of Shadow's face. She sniffs it, then starts eating it. She eats until my hand is empty and I pet her as a reward. I feed her until she turns down my offering of a carrot. I can't blame you, kitty. I wouldn't eat it either. I walk back outside, kneel down, and carry her out of my bag. She starts purring and brushing up against me again.
I give her a few more pets, pick up my books and papers by the front door, put them all in my bag, then walk inside, shutting the door before Shadow can follow me inside. We can't afford to maintain a cat right now.
———
Halloween is in two days. I don't want to do anything, but Mama insists. She tells me I should dress like Kiseki and be a platypus. I sigh in response. Maybe I could get Tsukasa-san to come with me.
———
Halloween hits me before I'm even aware of it. At school, nobody dressed up. 'Blah blah blah, no dressing up, blah blah blah, gotta stay in uniform, blah blah blah, yes we have school the next day—" Everyone groans. "—blah, blah, blah, if any staff sees any candy of any kind, it will be confiscated, blah, blah, blah."
All throughout the day, I overhear many different costume ideas. Witches, devils, angels, animals, celebrities, fictional characters, horror movie antagonists. At lunch, Tsukasa-san asks me what I'm dressing up as. I hesitate. "I'm gonna be a vampire," Tsukasa-san says proudly. I'm not sure if being an undead Victorian goth is something to be proud of…
"Ooh! We could hang out after school and get ready together!" Tsukasa-san suggests. I eat a chip from the bag he was eating out of. "I'm thinking if we do makeup, we might wanna make you a few shades darker. You're scary pale. Not scary in a Halloween scary way, but you look like a vampire yourself, no offense." I eat another chip in response. "You don't talk much," Tsukasa-san points out. About time he noticed.
The bell rings before Tsukasa-san says anything else. After the bell quiets down, Tsukasa tells me we're going to my house and demands I wait for him in front of the school. I don't bother responding, He hurries off and leaves me alone in the courtyard.
I guess I'll wait so I can spend time with Tsukasa-san.
———
Both Tsukasa-san and I forgot he didn't bring his costume with him to school, so he tells me he'll run back to his house to get it. By run, I think he means walk, so I take my time and gather my costume—a short-sleeved brown shirt, brown pants with a million pockets that I'm pretty sure were called cargo pants besides having nothing to do with running. …actually, that's cardio I'm thinking of, and a tie-around-the-waist-thingy beaver tail. I also make sure I have Kiseki and a plastic grocery bag to hold candy.
When Tsukasa-san gets back, I lead him to my room. The first thing he comments on is the mess in my room. I shrug in response. I notice that Tsukasa-san not only has his costume, but a few makeup products and a much nicer candy bag than my own. He probably has a Clean Freak room.
Tsukasa-san struts into my room and waves hello to Kiseki, who's lying atop my costume. He drops his bag (currently occupied with the makeup and his costume) and picks up my sad heap of brown fabric and leather tail. "This is your costume?" he asks incredulously. I shrug. "What is it, a beaver?" I shake my head and grab Kiseki. "A platypus," he responds, almost unamused.
I sit Kiseki down and he sighs. "It'll do. I just…expected something a bit more interesting." Interesting. I'm laughing. Ha. I sit on my bed as Tsukasa-san starts showing me his costume of goth and black and red and purple and way too much fabric for my liking.
"Here," Tsukasa says suddenly, dropping my costume in my lap. "Put it on." I look up at him and blink. "I won't look." Is he serious? There's a bathroom just outside my room. "We're losing candy," he tells me as he walks to his costume. "The longer you take to get ready, the less time we have to get candy, and that means—" I tune out his mindless complaining about me taking forever to get dressed and stand up. The costume falls out of my lap and I crouch to pick it up.
I guess I won't argue with him. I walk to the corner furthest away from Tsukasa, facing those two meeting walls, and hurry to get changed. I occasionally look over my shoulder to make sure Tsukasa isn't looking, but he seems preoccupied with trying to figure out where the sleeves of his costume are.
I change quickly and check to make sure the bandage wrapped around my arm is still intact, then double-triple check to make sure the tail isn't going to just fall off with the slightest bit of a pull. Halloween is dumb.
———
While getting candy, Tsukasa-san points out my arm and asks what happened. I give a shrug and he doesn't press further. By the end of the night, Tsukasa-san counted over 300 pieces of candy. I got lost after 88 when Mama asked if me and Tsukasa-san were fine with soup for dinner.
After dinner, Tsukasa-san tells me he should go home. I give him all my candy and more from the bags I've hidden away in my closet.
Mom also noticed my arm and I went to my room with a shrug as my excuse.