six torturous words
The rest of the day, those six words echo through my head repeatedly. I used to be a boy. So…Mizuki was a he? I mean, it makes sense, the male uniform…but it still feels really weird to officially hear those words from Mizuki. I used to be a boy. But that's 'used to'. Not 'am'. Mizuki's not a boy. Mizuki is whoever they are now.
I kick at the rock sitting near my shoe and watch as it rolls to the grass. I'm in the courtyard during break, sitting on one of the many benches. I originally came here because I needed a break from the rooftop, but the more I think about it, the more I want to go back up to the rooftop so I can talk to Mizuki again.
…ugh. Okay. I sigh and stand up with a big stretch. I still have about thirty minutes left of break, so I begin walking. I ascend the stairs until I reach the rooftop, where Mizuki is waiting at our usual spot. As soon as they see me, their expression lights up and they stand up with their hands on their hips. "Rui! Where the heck have you been?" they exclaim. "...the courtyard. I needed some silence to think to myself." Mizuki sighs in relief. "Good. I thought you abandoned me because I'm different."
I'm taken aback by that. Different? If Mizuki's considered 'different', then what am I? A whole other species entirely? "What? No! I just needed a moment to process it. I wouldn't just abandon one of my only friends just because they're quote, 'different'." … "Unquote. Besides, I'm far more different than you are."
"Different how?" Mizuki cocks their head to the side. "Well, I mean…I'm just…weird. I like robots. No 'normal' kid likes robots. And people say I dress weird and act weird. People say I use too many big words. I didn't know that saying my actions should be 'justifiable' due to a 'diagnosis' I'd 'received' would be considered weird." I put air quotes around the 'bigger' words, putting further emphasis on them.
"Diagnosis? What kind of diagnosis?" Mizuki questions. I shrug. "It was some neurodiversity…" Another big word. I need to stop using those. "Started with an 'A'..." Ah…what was it? It wasn't ADHD…though, I won't be surprised if I actually have that. It's not amnesia. I remember most things. Except for the name of this darn disorder.
"ADHD?" they suggest. "No…not that. It's um…the one where you hyperfixate on the most random things ever and sometimes struggle academically—or the other way around, where you excel academically." Mizuki's expression lights up. "Oh, oh!! You mean autism?" Ohhhhh. Sounds right. "Yeah. I think that's right. Autism…"
"I don't think you're getting judged by how you speak. That may be the main reason why, but…it may be because of your disorder in general. Most people try to avoid the mentally disabled because they think the mentally ill are all insane. Depression, bipolar disorder, BPD, ADHD, schizophrenia, anxiety, PTSD, eating disorders, OCD, all that stuff. People despise all those."
"Depression because you're all 'dark' and 'gloomy', bipolar disorder because you're 'scary', BPD because you have 'too many personalities', ADHD because you 'just can't sit still for your life', schizophrenia because you 'hear and see creepy things', anxiety because you 'just worry too much', PTSD because you 'can't handle certain simple things', eating disorders because you 'can't just eat normally', OCD because you 'have to do things the 'right' way'...it's all stupid! Can't everyone just be considered normal no matter their issues?"
After Mizuki is finished with their rant over mental illnesses, they quiet down. "Sorry. Got a little heated there." They sit back down on the bench, then pat the spot beside them. "Sit. I'm not raising my voice just to talk to you all the way over there." I push my feet forward and walk to the bench, then sit down in the exact spot I always do. I notice Mizuki is sitting a few inches closer than usual.
Silence fills out between us for a long while. Out of nowhere, Mizuki speaks once more.
"So, anything 'strange' I tell you wouldn't change the way you think of me?" they ask. That's…an unusual question… "...no?" "Okay, great. Then if I told you that I may like you, more than a friend, how would you feel?"
"Well, I—" Wait, what? Huh? What did they say? "Sorry…I don't think I caught that." "I asked that if I told you I like you more than a friend, how would you feel about it?"
…
Mizuki…
Likes me…?