light at the end of the tunnel
"Nene, you were right." I'm sitting on the floor of Nene's bedroom. It's fairly neat, unlike my own room, which is…a replica of hell compared to Nene's room. "You were right…I think I might be in love." Nene is sitting on her bed. Her laptop is open next to her, the display showing an assignment of hers that I'd apparently interrupted when I came here to tell Nene about Mizuki.
"How'd you come to that conclusion?" she asks me. "Well, Mizuki and I were on the rooftop having this conversation about how weird I am for being autistic." Yes, I had to search up the term before coming here. Yes, I left out the part where Mizuki mentioned being transgender because that's meant to be kept a secret. "And they told me to sit next to them—that's normal, I sit next to them on the rooftop every day. But then they asked me how I would react if they told me they liked me but not as a friend, and I think that actually made me realize my actual feelings toward them."
Nene sits and ponders my short story for a second. "So, you're saying that you do like them, and that they may like you back?" "Well, the question about them liking me was probably rhetori—" Nene interrupts me. "Rui, questions like that are almost never rhetorical. They like you Rui. And if you like them back, then suggest you two date. See how it is."
Date? Date? I've never dated anyone before…what would it be like? Does Nene mean date by just telling each other 'I love you' while holding hands and giving each other gifts on Valentine's Day? Or dating as in the real deal? Going places, physical intimacy—excluding the weird stuff because that's just disgusting as a twelve-year-old—nicknames for each other, that sort of stuff? I'm not sure if I can do that. But…maybe I could try. Afterall, almost everyone will date at least once in their life…
I'll be fine.
———
There's a light. Deep inside me. I just know it. I was never aware of the light until Mizuki pointed it out. No, they did not physically point it out. But they helped me notice there is a light in me. And ever since I had asked Mizuki…the light grew brighter.
I felt it in me, flickering and shining brightly. It shone even brighter when I had asked Mizuki if they were okay with us dating. They said yes, and the light grew to blinding. I'm in the courtyard again. Mizuki isn't here. They're most likely sick or something. So I'm here in the courtyard again, staring at the grass and plants the gardening committee here helped grow. Maybe I should join? Tending to plants has always been a smaller hobby of mine. I had a few plants in my room, but they all died on me within a month. Maybe joining the committee could help fix that.
"Excuse- Excuse me," says a voice belonging to a random girl. I glance up and see her standing in front of me. She seems to look serious, but two people behind her—probably her friends—are snickering and giggling to themselves. Ah. I know what this is. But I'll humor them anyway. After all, I could be wrong. Maybe they're just laughing at a joke they shared.
"Yes?" I ask, looking up at the girl. "I'm conducting a survey, and-" she pauses to cover her mouth. A small snicker escapes her mouth, then her hand falls back to her side and she continues. "And I was hoping you would answer a few questions for me and my friends here." She gestures to her two giggling friends behind her. "Excuse them, they're not right in the head. Surely you'd…relate." Ouch. That's a blow to the gut. She clears her throat. "Okay, question number one: What do you identify as?" I stay silent. What…what the hell is this? "...a male…?" I say, though I sound unsure of myself. I'm confident of who I am. But…I'm just…I feel perplexed about this so-called 'survey'.
"Okay, great, great. Next question: What gender are you attracted to?" "Romantically?" I check, just to make sure. "Yes," she confirms. Ah, ooh, uh…that's a question even I've thought about multiple times. "...I'm straight." …though, I've always wondered what it would be like to date someone of the same sex. What's that term called…bicurious? Is that what I am? That doesn't sound right…ugh. This survey is messing with me.
The girl looks me up and down with a questionable look. "...right," she says hesitantly. I subconsciously look down at myself. Is it the way I dress? I don't understand how one could 'look' straight just by how they dress. Huh. "Okay, uh…next question: What are your current interests?" "Oh, that's easy. Technology—mainly robotics, public performances like stageplays, and gardening."
"Oh, you like robotics? I love robots! You should make me a laser-shooting one," she replies. I'm not sure, but I feel like I picked up a hint of sarcasm behind her voice. Might be just me. Okay, uh… "I'm sorry, they're not for other people." They're actually only for people I'm extremely close to. Not strangers asking me weird survey questions. "Bummer. Uh…are you dating anyone at the moment?" Ah…
…would Mizuki want me to keep our relationship a secret as well…? "...no comment." The girl gives me a weird look, then points at one of her friends behind her with her thumb. She's trying not to laugh. "Okay, well- well my friend over here likes you and—" Ahhh…I should've known. "Thanks, but, um…I'm…not interested." I glance down at the ground. The girl giggles and calls out to her friend, "I told you he wouldn't like you, you re—" I'm going to be honest, I completely forgot what she called her friend, but it sounded like an insult of some sort.
This would be the first of many incidents where people would subtly (or bluntly) make fun of me.