"Thoughts" Chapter 1
1922
He was a mess. The party went off without any issues but he was in a little “predicament” at the moment. Daisy had just left, with Tom so he walked back into the halls of the mansion. Climbing the stairs returning to his study again. Well none of the party goers had noticed the host disappearing, too encumbered in the lavish delights of the party.
His thoughts felt wrong to him, out of place. And those of so wonderful but familiar feelings came settling into his mind once more. Gnawing at him. He shouldn't be conflicted about his own feelings about Daisy. No, not at all. He knew he loved Daisy; he did it all for her, he built up his wealth for her, these parties for her.
So why did he stand there in his study and question those emotions? He had accepted he clearly loved Daisy.
He wanted to ram his fist into the wall. His own thoughts of Carraway were wrong. It wasn't right of him to think of Nick like that, when he began to catch himself catching glances at Nick he had cried in the bathroom for at least an hour. The way he thought about the other man was completely wrong, at least in Gatsby’s perspective. And conflict had slipped into his mind once again no he loved Daisy he had done everything for Daisy, she had consumed his thoughts for maybe years at this point.
And so now he had a question to ponder on, to cry about, and to question himself on. And how he wished he never even had thoughts like those which had forced him to ask the question he no longer wanted to find the answer for anymore. If he had ever wanted the answer in the first place anyways. Why had everything in his life been so.. misplaced? His body was certainly wrong but he had left that part of himself in the past to be lost to the tides eternally. But why did it have to resurface now. The thought of his past somehow returning had scared him.
Why did all of his thoughts, which he had thought were perfectly hidden and tucked away come back? He didn't have to think about Nick like that, especially with how wrong it was.
Conflict stewed in his mind once again. He and his feelings for Daisy were very much real and he shouldn't be feeling this confused about them, no not now. He couldn't be. He paced around his study, his mind lost in his doubt, confliction, his memories, his everything. Meeting Nick was a mistake, but he could still remember his eyes, those last words he said to him before he had gotten off the train at his stop but that was far in the past by now.
Back then he was just “Jay” an undecided last name, going off to war for a reason, he had run away from California and had nowhere else to go. And suddenly the illusive “Great Gatsby” was sitting on the floor of his study, tears slowly trickling down from his eyes. Those wrong thoughts about Nick were intrusive and led him only to think of the war. Those thoughts were not exactly pleasant.
By now he had completely wandered off track, he didn't even think about going after Daisy after she had left Tom. Too concerned right now with his confused and conflicted feelings about a certain Daisy Fe… as well as Nick Carraway. But he completely disregarded that part of his brain which had thought of Nick Carraway, it disgusted himself, to think he would ever even think those thoughts.
And now it had been maybe an hour or two or maybe perhaps three hours after the party and Jay had still been there, still wondering, still confused, still conflicted. And oh dear god he really needed a distraction by now. But he should have set his mind on something other than what he had been sobbing about for the past few hours.
A distraction he thought, something like a distraction could be easy, whether it be he drowned himself in alcohol again, or drugs. Well he needed something, no, anything to take his mind off of Daisy, Tom, Nick, the party, his whole life at the moment basically.