Worthwhile To Think Of Every Morning
*1997*
My hand moves under my panties, furiously rubbing against my clit. I feel my skin heat up as I begin to get close, and I think of Par and me. I close my eyes, and a wonderful fantasy suddenly forms behind them.
I'm floating on an endless amount of water, no land in sight. The only sounds are my own breathing, and the water splashing up against my side. Blue is all I can see if I keep my head flat and turn to the sky; there are no clouds around. Everything is perfect. I turn to look at the beautiful girl to my left. She smiles at me and I smile back.
Our fingers touch slightly and we both laugh and blush as we spread out further in the area. I take a deep breath and flip over, disrupting the peace of the water. She stays afloat by kicking her legs slightly, curious as to why I turned so suddenly. I take hold of her hips and place one hand on the back of her head so she won't sink. I lower my lips to hers and kiss her gently, savoring the precious moment we're sharing together. I take a breath for air and she smiles at me with a heart full of love. She calls me beautiful and I blush and she think I'm cute especially when I blush and I say no I'm not and she firmly says yes you are and I laugh and she doesn't want to kiss me because she doesn't want to cut my laugh off because she thinks it's adorable and I pull her down beside me and she wraps our legs together and we just lay there for what seems like days. I gaze into her eyes, and that's all I need to see to keep from floating away forever.
***
My breath picks up, and my other hand sneaks its way up to my breasts. I change my perspective on the fantasy.
***
We would climb up on the rocks and just sit there, enjoying each other's company. I would stare at you and ask myself how did I get so freaking lucky. We'd dangle our ankles in the water and you'd catch my eye. It's a beautiful day and you're beautiful, I'd say, just to make you smile and blush. You'd say thanks, you too and I'd ask how did I get so lucky and you'd answer by asking the same question and then lean forward to capture my lips in a kiss. You’d feel the bump of my port, but you wouldn't care because you would be wonderful.
Fish would swim around our feet and we'd giggle as they tickled our toes. I'd stretch and put my arm around your waist and you'd lay your head against my shoulder. I'd kiss the tip of your head and we'd both gaze out into the falling sun and hope this perfect moment would never end, because then you’d slip your finger down my panties…
***
Of, course, dreams never last forever. My chest heaves as pleasure snakes up from my clit, leaving me shaking and shivering from the sudden cold. I cover myself with a blanket, and anxiously wriggle into my drawstring hospital trousers. Penny returns from her physical therapy appointment about ten minutes later.
She’s still ignoring me, and I grit my teeth, annoyed.
“Come on,” I groan. “You can’t give me the silent treatment forever.” I roll my eyes as I receive no response; Par opens one of her books and begins to read as though I weren’t even in the room. “This is petty, Par,” I continue. “So what, I don’t want my mum to know about us, because she’d probably disown me on the spot, and you can’t understand that?” Par purses her lips, but continues to pretend to read. I know she’s pretending; her eyes aren’t moving across the page, but I know exactly which buttons to push. ”Penny understood,” I say after a heartbeat. Finally, I get the response I wanted. Well, it wasn’t the exact thing I had in mind, but at least it was something. Anything to hear her sweet voice once again. Par slams her book closed, her majestic eyes brimming with tears.
“How.. dare you,” her voice shakes, “Why don’t you just, then…” She must change her mind at that moment, for she ends up saying, “Just leave me alone.”
“Par,” I say, horrified at myself, “I didn’t mean--”
“You didn’t but you did,” Par interrupts. “But I can’t even blame you, even with today…”
“Hang on,” I say, carefully going to sit next to Par, although I made sure to remain a fair distance away. “What do you mean, today?”
“Colin’s dead.”
There was a moment of silence, and I was back in that place again, I couldn't breathe, I was dying, and--
“What-- what do you mean?” I manage to choke out. She couldn't mean that he was really dead, right?
Right?
“I didn’t,” Par began to rub furiously at her eyes, “I didn’t even know him, I mean I’ve only been here who knows how long, but he was just here yesterday, and now suddenly he gets a bit of water in his lungs and he dies? It’s just not fair.”
“How did you find out?” I ask quietly.
“I was in physical therapy, and Nurse Hooch was trying to get me to do a few jumping jacks, when all of a sudden a bunch of doctors started flooding the corridors right near me. ‘What’s going one?’ Hooch cried, jumping to her feet. No one answered her of course, but at the end of the session, someone came in and told her, and I heard. And then I walked myself back here.”
“Par--”
“Oh, Lavender,” Par collapses next to me and I cradle her head in my lap, brushing away the tears streaming down her cheeks. “How did you take it when Penny died? I didn’t even know Colin, but I still feel for him, of course…” Par trails off.
“I didn’t.” I answer quietly. When I don’t hear anything, I continue, my stomach churning. “I didn’t take it. I couldn’t. I had so much pain inside me, and fuck, I’m cliche, but, I just didn;t want to feel anything. So after that day, I didn’t.”
“And then you met me,” I hear Par whisper,
“And then I met you,” I agree, stroking her hair. “And everything changed. You made me want to feel something again, Par.”
“You’re so cliche,” Par giggles through her sniffles, and snuggled further into my lap. I chuckle.
“I’m sorry I hid our relationship from my mum,” I say after a few moments. I hear Par sigh.
“I’m sorry my response was so immature,” she apologizes back. “It just made me feel insecure, you know? Like you were ashamed of me, or something.”
“I could never be ashamed of you, Par.” Fuck, her name felt great in my mouth. “I love you.” My mouth goes dry as I wait for her response.
“I know,” she says, and we both giggle at her Star Wars reference. Par eventually falls asleep in my lap, and although my legs start to tingle after a while, I wouldn't move for anything in the world.
…
(One week later)
I wear black, and so does everyone else. For some reason, everyone does this at funerals. I pick at a loose thread hanging from the dress I’ve worn a million times, and try to focus on the person speaking. I think it’s Colin’s father. He has his arms around his wife, who holds hands with her timid looking son. Probably a few years younger than Luna, I think as the man turns a page of his speech with a shaking hand. I close my eyes and reflect on how many times I’ve done this. More than enough to last a lifetime, no doubt. I’ve been forced to go to every single one of my roommates, whom I didn’t care about in the slightest, but this was a funeral I’d actually wanted to attend. Par squeezes my hand on my right, and rests her head on my shoulder. I lean back against her, and we remain like that as Hermione and Luna go up to say a few words. We notice that Draco didn’t; he was his roommate, after all, but we figured he didn’t care for such things.
“Hey,” I whisper to Par as the priest begins his prayers. “I gave my mum a call.”
“Really?” Par lifts her head to make eye contact with me.
“Yeah. I decided it was time. I’m going to tell her about us, I think. In the best way possible.”
“That’s great,” Par responded, her wonder eyes shining. “I’m so proud of you.”
I give a grin. “We’re having lunch next weekend, and I’d like you to come.”
“I’d love to.”
There’s a feeling in my heart, something I haven’t felt in a while. Relief, maybe. “Fabulous,” I whisper, planting a kiss on the top of her head. Then, I turn to watch sadly as Colin’s coffin closed and prepared for family members to view it later.
…
The reception is nice and classy, something I never thought could spring from the Creevey family. There’s cake at a table, and I’m making my way towards it when someone taps me on the shoulder. I turn to see a face I’ve looked at in the same picture a million times, but haven’t seen in a million years.
“You’re Lavender, I presume?” I nod, shocked. “One of the nurses told me who you were,” he said, gesturing to a clump of them, no doubt gossiping and giving condolences in a corner.
“Hi,” I say. I don’t know what to do with my hands; they’re suddenly all clammy, so I do my best to discreetly wipe them on my shirt, but I bet he notices.
“You probably know who I am,” he says, shifting from foot to foot uncomfortably.
“Percy,” I nod again. I can’t believe that he’s in front of me. “What are you doing here?” I ask.
“I-- I wanted to see where Penny lived before, you know. She died. She mentioned in a bunch of her letters that you were her roommate, so I thought-- I don’t know, maybe I could get some closure or something.”
“Closure,” I repeat, and Percy nods his head in confirmation. “After months of neglect, you finally find out she died and don’t return for a year, not even showing up for her funeral--”
“I was there,” Percy interrupts, “I just didn’t speak. And I wasn’t neglecting her, believe me--”
“I was there.” I say, a knot forming in my throat, but I will not cry. I can’t. Not now. Not like this. “I was there, and you weren’t. She cried about you a lot. You broke her heart, and you never came to visit.”
“I did my best,” Percy claims, “But I couldn’t get a day off of work, and--”
“Oh, yes, your government job. You’d that work out for you, if you don’t mind me asking?”
Percy shrugs, not offended. “I quit. I couldn't take it anymore. This was after Penny died, and it was way too late by then, I know, but I was stupid. I wasn’t quick enough.”
“I don’t really care. Excuse me,” I say, brushing past him, heading for Par on the other side of the room, chatting with some nurses.
“Wait, remember her dream!” he calls after me, but I ignore him, and I don’t stop moving until I’m by Par’s side, gripping her hands as tightly as my weak self can manage.
Because, how could I ever forget it?
A hero. A villain. Supporting characters. Background characters. Par, Penny, and me. Cancer. Everyone else. The world fades into black after these names, and I’ll make sure that no one ever forgets them.
I will be remembered, and I will have a story. And so will They.