Sometimes You Just Really Need A Sense Of Humor (And It Shows)

Cross Our Hearts (2020) - SeventhStrife Chapter 16

Elizabeth: "Bro, Alex has a crush on you"

Desmond: "Alex doesn't have a crush on me bro"

Dana: "Yes he does"

Alex: "Yes I do"

Wishing upon a Star by SeraNeko_chan, chapter 30

Zangetsu: "Boss, Sousuke wants to fuck."

Ichigo: "I genuinely have no idea whatsoever what any of those words mean in any order, but particularly that one."

(I actually hate this one but I was sleep deprived so that's not my fault)

Life as a Nukenin - Chapter 59

Hiruzen: *stares at harmless pictures*

Kakashi: *exists in said pictures, and thus is Hiruzen's problem to deal with*

Hiruzen: "... Actually I will just make this someone else's problem."

By Their Side -twoseas, Chapter 5

Spock, a child: *makes eye contact with James T. Kirk, also a child*

Spock to Jim, immediately and without hesitation: "Guess this means we gotta get married now."

Jim, to Spock, also immediately and without hesitation: "Yeah, guess we gotta"

Or, alternatively

Spock, a whole ass adult: *makes eye contact with James T. Kirk, also a whole ass adult*

Spock to Jim, immediately and without hesitation: "Guess this means we gotta get married now."

Jim, to Spock, also immediately and without hesitation: "Yeah, guess we gotta"

Life as a Nukenin - Chapter 63

(Have not finished the chapter two but I know these little bastards well enough by now)

Tenzo: "I'm sure this will be fine, I can totally handle Sensei's team and everything will be A-Okay!"

Tenzo, five minutes later: " I'm gonna go talk to Hokage about retiring to a small fishing village in an alternate universe."

(I've read it. Oh dear. Poor Hiruzen.)

Hiruzen, the moment Tenzo walks in: "No."

Tenzo, after having been trained by the one and only Kakashi-I'm-bored-so-watch-me-get-on-my-bullshit-slash-I'm-bored-so-I'm-gonna-start-shit-for-fun Hatake: "Huh. Noted."

Hiruzen, remembering: "Wait no-"

Tenzo: *already gone*

Hiruzen, head in hands: "Oh noooo, I fucked up, I fucked up." 

Unwritten

Optimistic_Nihilist, based on their end notes

(should probably preface this by saying I'm genderfluid so I can make gender switching jokes but y'all better not attack helicopter anywhere/t(threat))

Sarutobi: "I want you ALL to know that THIS is why I fucking RETIRED!"

Danzo: "Does that mean I can be Hokage-"

Sarutobi, immediately and without hesitation: "I will beat you until you change genders sir Do Not Test Me On This Night."

Everyone: "Wow, I can't believe he has a backbone after all those years."

Sarutobi: 🙃🥲

Crowned Glorious - drelfina, AO3

Orochimaru: "Mwuahahaha I'm going to kidnap this child now!"

Someone: " Okay but, signing adoption papers isn't really... Kidnapping per sé... "

Orochimaru, still filling out paperwork: "... But *gestures to Naruto with one hand*"

Someone, again: "Say it with me. "It's okay to adopt children that want and need to be adopted"

Crowned Glorious - drelfina, AO3

The quote 

Yes," Minato said, "But I thought you'd put me in - oh, I don't know, Intelligence. The research division? Surely…" he looked down at the spread of files he had been handed. "They can be - aren't there - actual experts for this?"

"Where," Sandaime said, genially, "Would we have experts in this?"

Me: "I think it'd be funny if he said the academy."

The next quote 

"The - The Academy?" Minato could hear his voice starting to climb in pitch.

Crowned Glorious - drelfina, AO3

Minato: "I don't know how to take care of children! What if I kill them? Oh god what if I kill them!!!" 

Hiruzen: "Bro, fucking literally just don't kill them."

Minato: "But with if I fuck them up irreparably?!"

Hiruzen: " News flash babe, we've been fucking up ninjas for generations. You ain't goin be special for traumatizing this one set of children, my god." 

Life as a Nukenin - Chapter 68

Kaito: "I'm so glad I don't have to worry about Iruka scolding a missing nin!Kakashi and can have a nice, Kakashi free life!

Hatake "I WILL fuck shit up without effort" Kakashi: *as Sukea* *breathes*

Konoha: *is somehow irreparably fucked up*

Hiruzen, drinking alcohol: "I mean he didn't even do anything, he didn't even move, all he did was breath wtf why, I could quit, I could retire, I could LITERALLY SET THE HAT ON FIRE LIKE I WANTED TO ROUGHLY 12 YEARS AGO I COULD"

Team Seven, in the corner huddled together planning Something that normally Yamato doesn't wanna know about, but now eagerly involving him in their vengeance even though no one has really done anything yet: *I don't know probably actually accidentally sets Danzo on fire or smth right when ROOT was about to pop up like a bitch*

Sai: *exists as a future member of team 7, technically in an alternate universe but ya'know what-* "No Danzo-sama I did not throw more paper at you in order to make the fire burn brighter, that's not how that works..."

Burnt Danzo: *squints and waits it out because he remembers Tenzo (ew, he would deadname Yamato) and the Hatake in general and there's a reason he got rid of them and tried to eliminate the Entire Uchiha clan*

Sai: "I threw oil ink on you to make the fire last longer."

Danzo: "the child army is worth it the child army is worth it the child army is worth it the child army-"

Can't Kill You, You'll Die!
- Reioka

Tony, hair standing on end, hissing: "I am NOT a cat!!"

Everyone on earth including Hydra: "Yes you are"

Also Hydra: "Hey what if we sent the ONE agent who loves and adores cats after him, that probably totally won't back fire right? "

The Winter Soldier, already holding five cats none of which anyone knew about: "Yeah, tooooootally no way I'll just wander off and fall in love it anything."

Hydra, when Bucky just wanders off and falls in love: *surprise Pikachu face*

Introduction to Zero-Sum Anthropology - apocryphal

10 years later: "So how did you and Derek start dating?"

Stiles: "Gift giving competition."

Random person: "Oh that's... Interesting... Who won?"

Derek, suspiciously keeping his hands out of sight: "No one... Yet."

Random person: -_-

Stiles, upon noticing Derek being suspicious: ಠ ل͟ ಠ