harry had been waiting for this all day, and it was finally time. open mic night at the three broomsticks. the whole school would be there, and harry couldn’t wait to show off his skills. him and his best friend ron would be performing an opera duet, and hopefully the cute new girl ariana would be there to see it. harry had a big huge crush on her since the moment he laid eyes on her. the very second he saw her winged eyeliner and high ponytail, he was smitten. he suddenly saw ariana in the crowd of people walking to hogsmeade, her high ponytail swishing above all the people like a signal flare.
“yo, ariana!” harry said swagilly, for he was full of swag, “are you coming to the open mic night? i have something i wanna show you.” he did that tiktok fuckboy face. you know the one. ariana smiled sweetly at him.
“yuh,” she said, smiling sweetly again before giggling sweetly and rejoining her friends. harry could not believe his luck. he nudged ron on the shoulder to ask him if he had witnessed the encounter. he definitely had, since he was purple with rage and jealousy.
see here was the thing, ron also had a crush on ariana. harry had told him time and time again to fuck off and go date hermione or something. “i’m the chosen one dude,” he said swaggily, “i get all the girls and you get my ugly smart friend.” ron knew harry was right. ron was a nobody and harry deserved the world. ron was starting to think that harry maybe had a god complex, actually, but he pushed that thought aside as they walked into the three broomsticks and picked out a table. hermione was already sitting down because she was freakishly punctual. seriously, what the fuck was wrong with the girl? did she think she was making friends by being all smart and stuff? what an idiot.
as harry was sitting down, he heard music start to play. the show was beginning. as he listened to the opening notes, he realized that this was one of his favorite songs. dick by starboi3 ft doja cat. rip that pussy ayy or whatever. he was so lost in the song, he didn’t realize who was singing it. it was ariana, and she looked so attractive. hot, if you will. sexy, even. harry was in love. ariana gave him a wink before sweetly returning to her seat.
harry knew he had to step up his performance if he wanted a chance at impressing ariana. he had to kick ron out of the group.
“ron, bro,” harry began swaggily, “dude, i have to kick you out of the group. sorry, but you totally bring down my cool factor, you’re a redhead remember?” ron looked at him with hurt in his eyes, but harry was already headed up to the stage. harry was a proud narcissist and he only cared about himself.
“sup hogsmeade!” he said swagilly, “i’d like to dedicate this next song to that pretty girl over there in the front row. this one is for you, ariana!”
“objection!” yelled ron, like it was a court house or something. there was something wrong with that boy, for real.
“you can’t dedicate that song to her, because i dedicate THIS song to her,” ron pulled an entire full size guitar out of his back pocket. how it all fit in there is beyond me. anyway, he began to strum the notes of a love song, which was very strange considering he was planning on rapping.
“yo, uh, yeah, uh, rapping, is cool, uh, yeah, uh, yeah.” rapped ron. wtf dude. the whole audience clapped. oh, it was on.
harry began strumming a tune not unlike that of the classic nursery rhyme twinkle twinkle little star. he started to freestyle with his swaggiest lyrics. “this one is for the boys with the booming system top down ac with the cooling system when he come up in the club he be blazing up got stacks on deck like he’s saving up, and he ill he real, he might got a deal, he pop bottles and he got the right kind of build, he dope he smoke he might sell coke he always in the air but he never fly coach,” at this point the entire room was cheering for him, including ariana. everyone in this room was a stupid ignorant pureblood that didn’t know harry had just stolen a muggle song. they all thought he made it up.
ron was furious, but he knew when to accept defeat. he went back to the table where he started passionately making out with hermione.
harry swaggily walked up to ariana and started swagilly having sex with her (consentually ofc).
the end.