Hogwarts Suicide Watch

Remus Lupin was the Defence Against the Darks Arts teacher at the magical school called Hogwarts. It was filled with students both eager to learn and eager to get in trouble. Each month every teacher went to a meeting with the headmaster. There they talked about which students they had to keep an extra eye on. It could be the troublemakers, such as the Weasley twins, or it could be students who seemed to be in a tough spot, such as Elladora.
She had asked to have less electives, her grades had dropped significantly, and she hardly ever spoke to anyone anymore.

Professor McGonagall was responsible for her as she was a Gryffindor, but she had yet been able to get the student to open up. Over the past few weeks, the Professor had grown increasingly more worried after seeing minor cuts on her arm. She was so surprised that she missed her chance to speak to the girl before the meeting.

“If no one has anything else to say, I will call…” Dumbledore said, but was interrupted by Minerva.
“My apologise, Headmaster. I do have something I would like to inform everyone of,” Minerva said politely. She looked around at her colleagues with a sad expression. Remus Lupin sat up a bit straighter upon seeing her distressed look.

“I’m afraid we have a student who is struggling more than we thought. Elladora Black is in desperate need of help, and I have not yet had the chance to speak to her myself,” McGonagall explained. Severus Snape shook his head. He hated the House of Black, but he too had noticed that the student had given up in Potion classes, which she usually was very interested in.

“Therefore, I ask every one of you to, please, keep an eye on her. She has unfortunately developed a habit that is only causing harm,” Minerva finished. She took a deep breath and stared blankly ahead of her.

“Could you enlighten us as to what exactly has caused you to worry so much, Minerva?” Dumbledore asked, looking at her, losing the twinkle in his eyes. McGonagall thought for a moment before saying, “she has cuts on her arm, and we all know how that ends.”
The teachers that had been there for ages all shared a worried look. They had all been affected by a suicide of a student over a decade ago. They had all missed the signs, something they never wished to happen again.
Remus had only heard rumours about the unfortunate event, but he too knew what she was referring to. The meeting was dismissed, and everyone went back to their usual routine.

Remus could not shake the thoughts of the young student. She was in his class, always on time and always did her work at the highest level. She had seemed more distant lately, but she had answered every question he had asked her. Correctly even. He wondered if his class was the only one, she had been able to keep up with.

In the next DADA lesson, Professor Lupin had kept an extra eye on the student. She had not noticed as she was not entirely in the room. Her mind kept wandering off, leaving a blank looking student behind. Remus walked up and down the rows of desks as the students were writing notes on their latest theme, Grindylows. As he walked past Elladora, who had positioned herself in the back of the class, he caught himself staring at her arm. Small lines of barely healed wounds covered her wrist and he supposed went up her arm as well.
He grimaced slightly but moved on in order to not scare her.

“Right, class dismissed. Miss Black, would you mind staying behind?” Professor Lupin called. Elladora got a few glares from the others, some worried and others evilly looked at her. She stayed in her seat, watching as the students simmered out of the classroom. Once empty, Remus walked towards her. He sat down on the desk in front of her, eyeing her carefully.

“Would you like a cup of tea?” he suddenly asked. Elladora was surprised and stared wide eyed at him. She had thought she was in trouble.

“Uhm… Sure, Professor,” she replied. Remus used nonverbal magic to summon a pot of water and two mugs. He gently tapped the kettle, boiling the water in seconds. The mugs were unfortunately both chipped, but seeing as the professor struggled financially, he had not bought new ones.

“Here you go,” he said as he handed her the mug. She politely smiled and thanked him. Taking small sips of the warm liquid, Elladora felt at ease. She had always looked up to Professor Lupin. He always made the classes interesting and always took his time for each student. He had even comforted her in the hallways one evening when she had struggled with anxiety. Elladora felt bad every time she let her worries show. It was not very Gryffindor-ish, but Remus had told her that admitting you have a problem and facing it is the bravest thing one could do. Thinking back to that night made her want to open up, but she could not let herself. She was terrified of losing the one person she trusted.

“How are you doing, Elladora?” Professor Lupin asked, flashing a smile. He looked at her with the same fascination as he did with Dark Creatures. Eyeing every inch, following every little movement. He noticed how her hair was matted and dirty, her robes were wrinkled, and her eyes filled with pain. Her figure seemed smaller. Was she not eating, he thought to himself.

“I am alright, Sir. Nothing to worry about,” she answered, not meeting his eyes. Unknowingly, she tried to hide her scarred arm with her sleeve. Remus sighed and took a big gulp of tea.

“I’ve been informed that you are not doing so well in other classes. Would you mind telling me why?” he asked, hoping she would open up. Elladora opened her mouth to speak, but no sound came out. She stared blankly into her tea mug.

“It’s alright. You don’t have to tell me right now,” Remus said after a few minutes of silence. A tint of red flashed over her pale skin. “I want to, I just can’t…” she mumbled embarrassed of the attention. Remus took another look at her before getting up.

“Come with me. We can talk freely in my chambers, no one can hear a thing in there. I have chocolate and more tea” he said, holding out a hand for her to take. Realising it might have sounded creepy, he added, “you don’t have to of course, but I’m sure Professor Snape won’t mind you skipping a lesson or two if you are with another teacher.”
Elladora shivered at the mention of her Potion Master. He was somewhat nicer to her than the other students as she was good at potions, but he seemed to have an issue with her father, causing him to randomly spew out awful comments about him.

She gently took Remus’ hand and let him guide her into his chambers. He spelled the door shut, locking out all sounds with another charm.
Remus guided her to sit on a rather comfortable sofa in the corner of the room. He took a few steps away and dropped his body into a chair. He fumbled around in his pocket and took out a giant bar of chocolate.

“Ah, the famous chocolate stash of Lupin,” Elladora said, smiling. Rumours of Remus always having chocolate around had roamed the school for weeks. Remus let out a small laugh, “it’s not my answer to everything. Yes, I too have heard the rumours.”
Elladora just smiled, a genuine smile. Remus soaked in the newly found peace that spread across her face.

“Catch. You can have it all. I have more,” Professor Lupin said as he gently threw the bar to her. She caught it gracefully, thanking him with a nod of appreciation.

They sat in silence, drinking tea, for a while. It wasn’t awkward or painful, it was rather peaceful. Elladora relaxed for the first time in months. She dropped her shoes, pulled her legs up and crossed them. Realising what she had done, she quickly looked at her teacher. “I’m sorry, I didn’t think,” she apologised starting to untangle her legs. Remus looked at her with an amused face expression.

“Make yourself at home, Ella,” he said in a low voice. He enjoyed seeing her act the way her father used to. Whenever he had gotten comfortable, he too had dropped his shoes, taking up most of the space. Elladora smiled politely. She was fidgeting with the sleeves of her robes. Remus tilted his head, noticing the nervous habit. After letting silence fall upon them once more, Remus thought it was best to get to the point. They couldn’t stay like that forever.

“Ella, I know you told me not to worry, but seeing as I am your teacher…” Remus began. She stopped fidgeting immediately and tensed her muscles. “I am bound to do something when I notice students struggling. I care, you know. Not just because of your father,” he continued. Elladora tensed even more at the mention of her father. She loved him, but his reputation had caused her a great deal of misery.

“I care about you as Elladora and it pains me to see you hurting,” Remus finished. He eyed the girl cautiously. The last thing he wanted was to add to her pain. He knew very well of how it must feel to walk around with a family burden as hers.

Elladora took in a few shallow breaths, cursing in between. She could feel the awful anxiety creeping in on her. Normally, she would hide in one of the bathroom stalls until it passed, but she could not run out on Remus. He cared. He had said it out loud. His words warmed her heart, but it was not enough to make the pain go away.

“So, when you are ready to talk, I am right here. I am not going anywhere,” Remus continued, emphasizes on the last few words. She looked at him, checking him over for signs of lying. Finding none, she kept staring in his direction.

“Ignorance is bliss, Professor,” she said clearly. Her words sounded a bit harsh, and Remus couldn’t help but wonder if she meant it to come out that way. Taking in a deep breath, he took another sip of tea. You could almost see the wheels turn in the head of the professor.

“Do you know what you name means?” he suddenly asked. She looked at him as if he had smoke coming out of his ears.
“Someone in my family had the name as well. She was a nasty piece of human,” she told him, looking down at her hands in disgust. Remus straightened in his seat. He had heard the stories of the lady. She used to chop off the heads of house-elves when they no longer could hold tea trays still. He frowned.

“It means gift sent from heaven, one who is filled with light. I remember your father debating the name with your mother,” he said, hoping it could lighten her mood a bit. Elladora looked at him. He could see the pain and suffering in her grey eyes.

“Your mother loved the name, but your father was reluctant giving his family situation… but he gave in after hearing the explanation. You gave him so much joy,” he explained, slightly getting lost in his own thoughts. Remus remembered the time she was born. It was around the same month as James’ and Lily’s child came out. Both men were filled with happiness and in total awe of their children.

“In fact, I remember one time when your parents had to go to a meeting, I was left in charge of you. He struggled to hand you over so much he had tears in his eyes. In the end your mother had to take you out of his arms and give you to me,” he chuckled at the end and so did she. A small smile found its way onto her face again as she relaxed her muscles. Remembering her father as the man he was instead of who he had become was nice. It warmed her soul to hear that he had at least once cared for her.

“When they got back, he ran through the house. Woke you up in the process, but you just smiled at him. He didn’t let you out of his sight for days,” Remus finished telling the story. His cheerful look faltered thinking of where his friend was at the moment. In prison for killing their friends. As if reading his mind, Elladora softened her expression.

“Why did he have to leave me?” she barely whispered. If it hadn’t been for Remus’ good hearing, he would had missed it. His expression softened just like hers had.

“I don’t know, dear. I do not know,” he answered truthfully. He had wondered about the same question for years. His guess was as good as hers. Silence fell over them once more.

Elladora was growing more and more anxious the longer she stayed still. In order to seem somewhat functioning, she began shifting in her seat. Her muscle tensed up again, her breathing shallow. She hugged her knees and rocked slightly back and forth in a soothing pattern. She was visible shaking by the time she croaked out, “may… may… may I go?”
Lupin took one look at her, immediately seeing the anxiety within her about to burst.

“Are you alright?” he asked worried. That seemed to push her anxiety over the edge. She suddenly gasped for air, tears streaming down her face. Within seconds, Remus was kneeling in front of her.

“May I?” he asked gesturing to touching her. She nodded through gritted teeth. Remus took hold of her hands, gently stroking them.

“Breathe, Ella, breathe,” he coached. She seemed deaf, not hearing a word he said. Her eyes were darting around the room, looking for threats. She saw none, but that did not ease her distress. All sounds tuned out except the mumbling of Remus. At least it sounded like mumbling to her. Everything seemed unreal. Air was non-existing. The room was spinning. Her body was aching. Her mind was racing.

Suddenly she felt her body move without her doing it. Soon after she felt warm, strong arms wrapped around her body. A slow and steady movement of someone’s chest moving as they breathed. It seemed hypnotic. She followed the pattern, in and out.

“That’s it. You’re doing great,” a voice said in the distance. She hung onto the words as if her life depended on it. It did in that moment.

She opened her eyes, not realising that she had closed them. She took in a long, shaky breath before looking around. The room was tilted, no. She was laying down on the comfortable couch. She tried to move her arm to help sit up but was restricted by something soft. Staring down at her body, she saw a blanket, loosely wrapped around her. She smiled, she adored blankets and would happily have one around her all the time. Suddenly she remembered what had happened. Her cheeks grew warm. The red colour could be seen miles away.

Elladora noticed a figure sitting opposite of her. She recognised it as one of her professors. He was reading a book or was trying to. He stared rather blankly at the same page for ages.
“How long was I out?” she asked with a hoarse voice. Remus almost dropped the book. He had not seen that she had woken up.

“Just… just an hour,” he stuttered. He cleared his throat and gathered himself enough to look at her. She smiled, but not out of happiness. It was a defence mechanism she had adapted to over the years at Hogwarts.

“I must go. I have already missed more than one class today,” she said in a hurry. She stood up a tad too quick. Her legs gave out almost immediately. She closed her eyes to not see herself hit the ground. Seconds flew by and nothing happened. Slowly, she opened her eyes and looked at a worried Remus, who was holding her up.

“Before you ask if I am alright, this is quite normal for me. I just forgot to get up slowly,” she informed him. Remus stared at the young student as he had done way too many times that day, but he couldn’t stop himself. He let go of her with a bit of hesitation. He thought back to the last time he had seen her in a state of panic. Back then she had fallen asleep after calming down. He remembered how he had practically carried her to the dormitory, only to let her walk on shaky legs from the common room to her bed.

“I remember,” he said as a smile crept onto his lips. As she remembered having shown her weakness to him before, she turned bright red once more.

Elladora hastily left the chambers of Lupin’s. Seeing as she had missed some of her classes that day, she decided to skip the last few. She soon found herself lingering in the Astronomy Tower. A place of wonders and sorrow. It was her chosen place for when she finally had the courage to end it once and for all. She just needed to gather some of the Gryffindor courage she was told she had.

Later that day Professor Lupin had a talk with the Head of Gryffindor, filling her in on what had happened. He too shared her concern for the student.