The plans
A few weeks had gone by and every teacher was aware of the struggling student. Flitwick, the Charms teacher, had helped her more than usual during classes. He knew that she was a bright student and could look past her family’s reputation. Elladora’s grades in Charms went up slightly.
The Astronomy Professor had let the girl off answering question in front of the class to take away some of the workload and stress. Professor Binns had hardly noticed that something was off about the student, so he went along with his lessons in History of Magic as usual.
In both Transfiguration, Potions and Defence Against the Dark Arts classes Elladora was under the watchful eyes of the teachers. Even Severus Snape had held back some gnarly comments.
Severus Snape had used his Legilimens skills on the girl without her knowledge. It was just another Potions class, but the hopeless look on Elladora’s face had caused Professor Snape to suspect that something was wrong. More than usual. He had read her mind as she blankly stared at one of the dark dungeon walls. What he had heard was troubling him more than he wished to admit.
Tonight. Tonight, I’ll end it. I can be free once and for all. I just wish I had the courage to explain it to Professor Lupin. He really does seem to care about me or is it still because of my father? That damned man. I wish he had thought of me before killing someone else.
I am worth nothing, I am a traitor to my own family, they hate me. I hate me.
Nothing matters, it’s all over soon. Just don’t think about it and jump. It’ll be over before you know it. Bite the bullet as they say. Right, just jump Ella. You can do it.
Severus shivered slightly. He could not stop staring at her. He tried his best to hide his feelings by glaring angrily at every student nearby. It helped to keep his cover, but on the inside all he wanted was to talk to the student. Let her know that killing herself was not the answer. Severus, himself, had earlier in his life had the same thoughts. He had been stopped by McGonagall when he was a student at Hogwarts.
Professor Snape had taken upon himself to make sure that she could not fulfil her plans that day. Once the bell rang and everyone was about to leave, he suddenly said, “Miss Black, detention for daydreaming in my class.”
Elladora was taken aback and looked utterly terrified at her teacher. She had always felt as if the Professor could read minds. Thinking about that made her scared. She started to panic. Her breathing became shallow. Her mind was racing. Had he heard her thoughts? Would he tell her to just go do it right away? Would he laugh at her? Would he mock her just like everyone else? Her chest felt restricted. Her breathing pattern became irregular and fast. Sweaty hands, sweat running down her forehead. Her hands began to spasm. Her legs and feet felt awfully numb and so did her lips. Her face turned deadly pale as her vision began to black out.
“Elladora Black, you need to breathe. I do not want you passing out in my classroom!” a voice yelled. She ignored it, trying to take in air.
“Black! You little…” the voice mumbled. Something was pressed against her lips and it took away the focus on her panic for a moment. She swallowed the liquid that was forced into her mouth. Coughing, gagging she tried to breathe. Within seconds she inhaled loudly. Her body was still shaking and her hands cold.
“Feeling better?” the voice asked after a few minutes. Elladora recognised the voice. It was Snape. Her professor. A warm feeling reached her face as she blushed like someone who had just been kissed by their crush.
Severus Snape was kneeling down next to his student with an almost empty phial. There were a few drops left at the bottom. Elladora recognised it as The Draught of Peace by the turquoise blue colour. She visible paled at the fact that she couldn’t even get through a Potion class without needing medication for her issues.
“I gave you a phial of…” Professor Snape began to explain when he noticed her staring at the bottle.
“Draught of Peace,” Elladora whispered. He nodded approvingly, not mentioning that she had interrupted him. He felt bad enough for her already. He could hardly be angry at her when knowing of her spiralling thoughts.
Professor Snape gave her a helping hand to get up from the floor. She had not even realised that she had slipped down from her chair. Blushing even more, but still with a deadly pale complexion, she tried to gather her belongings. She wished to leave the classroom as soon as possible and hide in the bathroom.
“Before you take off, which I can see you are about to, I will remind you of your detention tonight. You will wait for me in the Great Hall after dinner and we will walk down here together,” he told her. Looking confused at him, she wondered why he insisted on her waiting for him. Had he read her thoughts after all?
Severus thought it was best to leave the girl unattended as little as possible. Knowing she only had a small free period before dinner, he was reluctantly letting her be alone for a while. He had to go speak with Dumbledore and her Head of House.
“Yes Sir,” she said loud and clear. Professor Snape dismissed her, and she immediately ran to the nearest bathroom. There she found an empty stall. Quickly the slammed the door shut behind her and fell to her knees. Having Lupin see her in a state of complete vulnerability was bad, but having the same thing happen near Snape was worse. She shivered at the thought. She felt somewhat relieved that she would end it later that day. Then she had no reason to be scared of seeing them again.
Elladora leaned against the stall wall and closed her eyes, suddenly feeling extremely exhausted. Anxiety would do that to you. That mixed with a calming draught could only mean a nap was needed.
Snape had gone to the Head of House the second she had left the classroom. After telling Minerva of his findings, leaving out the part of him reading her mind, they went to the headmaster’s office. Together they informed him of the latest update. They immediately put the suicide watch team in order.
“I would like to take the first shift as I have given Miss Black detention tonight,” Professor Snape said. Minerva shot him a questionable look.
“She was daydreaming in my class. I merely tried to keep her from jumping off the Astronomy Tower, Minerva,” he spat back. Dumbledore stared at his two colleagues, lacking the usual twinkle in his eyes. He had his suspicions as to Severus using Legilimens but chose wisely not to say anything.
The suicide watch team consisted of three teachers. In this case Professor Minerva McGonagall, as she was her Head of House, Professor Severus Snape, as he had volunteered and Professor Remus Lupin, who had been chosen for having a calm and understanding approach to difficult situations. He had a better understanding of how the Noble House of Black worked and knew the girl better than the other teachers.
“Very well Severus, I trust you will inform me how the night went in the morning,” Albus said in a low voice. Professor Snape nodded, turning around and leaving the office.
A small knock woke the sleeping student. She looked frantically around before realising she was still in the girl’s bathroom. Slowly, she got up from the floor, dusting her robes off.
“Are you alright in there?” a cold voice asked. She froze dead in her tracks. It was Professor Snape. Why was he in the girl’s bathroom?
Elladora cleared her throat before saying, “I’m fine, Professor.” She unlocked the stall and walked out with her head down. The last thing she needed was getting scolded for sleeping in odd places.
“One of the girls saw your robes and got me as you did not respond,” he explained. Snape was obviously uncomfortable being in the lady’s room, but he tried to act as neutral as possible.
“Oh, sorry,” she mumbled. To take her thoughts off the rising anxiety inside her, she went to the sink to wash her hands. Not because she needed to, but anything was better than having another conversation with the dungeon bat.
“Come on, dinner is about to start,” Severus said is a defeated tone. He had left her alone, knowing how some students would react to the draught. If they had endured intense anxiety, they would quickly fall asleep until the effects of the potion cleared off. He inwardly cursed at himself for leaving such a vulnerable student alone to sleep off a potion on the bathroom floor.
They walked together to the Great Hall. At the teachers table sat the usual bunch. McGonagall shared a worried look with Dumbledore and Lupin as they walked in.
Elladora did not look up. She had no energy to deal with students or teachers. She quietly sat down at her table, all the way at the end, nearest the teachers. With a small sigh, she downed a class of pumpkin juice. The only thing she thought she would miss from the school.
No one said anything to her. Remus was carefully observing her behaviour. Her eyes were red, puffy and full of misery. Her body language screamed exhaustion. Remus couldn’t help but compare her frail looks to the panic attack she had in his chambers a few days earlier. His heart shattered at the thought. She really was as depressed as the rumours around the teachers had said. Suddenly, he lost his appetite, and he was not the only one. Both Minerva and Severus were merely staring at their plates.
Professor Snape gave Elladora roughly thirty minutes to stare at the food before he got up. Less dramatically than usual, he strode up behind her.
“Come with me, detention starts now,” he said coldly. Her shoulders hung low as she followed him out of the Great Hall. All the teachers looked sympathetically at them. Dumbledore had sent an owl to all of the teachers the second they initiated the suicide watch. Professor Flitwick felt especially awful upon hearing the development as he was the one who found the student all those years ago.
The walk to the classroom in the dungeons was somewhat peaceful. No words were spoken and the lack of students chattering were nice for a change. Snape held the door open for her and instead of slamming it shut behind them, he gently closed it. Elladora stood in the middle of the room, waiting for instructions from her professor.
“Take a seat, Miss Black,” Snape said as he walked up to the teacher’s desk. It was filled with potions, empty phials and rolls of parchment. She did as she was told, looking utterly defeated with a blank expression on her face.
“I want you to write lines,” Professor Snape informed her. A roll of parchment along with ink and a quill magically appeared on the desk in front of her.
“What do you want me to write, Sir?” she asked in a small voice. It was hoarse, sounding as if she had smokes daily packs of cigarettes for decades. Her head hung low, and her eyes were focused on a random spot on the desk.
Severus thought for a moment before saying, “I want you to write ‘I am not worthless’ a hundred times.”
Elladora’s jaw dropped to the floor, she stared at him with wide eyes. She had never expected him to say something like that. Not the cold hearted professor. Snape, himself, looked surprised at what he had said. Quickly, the expression faded back to his usual cold frown. He started grading the rolls of parchment on his desk. They were essays from the first year students.
“Yes… Sir,” she mumbled, feeling really uncomfortable. A hint of red covered her cheeks as the wrote the first line. The more lines she finished, the wetter her parchment got. She was crying, trying her best to hold back the sobs.
Fifty lines in and she could no longer hold back the sadness within her. The quill dropped to the table with a thud. Professor Snape shot his head up at the sudden sound, ready to scold her for interrupting his work. When he saw her frail body shake along with her sobs, his expression softened. Not being the best person at emotions, Severus decided a calming draught were his best bet. He used nonverbal magic to summon a phial of the potion and walked down to her desk.
“Drink,” he ordered as he put the phial in front of her. Without hesitation she downed the potion in seconds. After a few minutes the shaking subsided, tears still running down her face. Severus tried to be reassuring by putting a hand on her shoulder, but she recoiled. Her eyes as wide as possible, a terrified look on her face.
“I won’t hurt you,” Snape said in a low voice. He recognised the signs, abused. A loud sign escaped his body as he used magic to spell the parchment away along with the ink and quill.
“I believe it’s almost past curfew,” he said in a sad tone. Severus himself would not be getting any sleep that night. He would be camped outside of the Gryffindor Tower in case anything happened. Without looking at her professor, Elladora let herself be escorted back to her common room.
“Night, Professor,” she mumbled as she walked past the painting guarding the Gryffindors.
“Goodnight, Miss Black,” Snape replied. He summoned a chair and a book before getting comfortable next to the painting of the Fat Lady.
“Suicide watch, Professor?” asked the Fat Lady. Severus nodded, opening his book. He might as well get some reading done while watching over the student. Apart from extra teachers on guard, Dumbledore had put up alarms around the Gryffindor Tower. They would immediately alert the teacher on watch if Elladora were to fall unconscious or if she were to leave the Tower past curfew. It was a breach to her privacy, but it was in order to keep her alive. Only the staff of the school knew of the wards and every single one dreaded them going off.
The night was peaceful. After a few hours of reading, Professor Snape had dozed off, still holding the book in his hands. Elladora had barricaded herself in the bathroom, looking for relief. Wand in hand, she silently casted a transfiguration spell on her hairbrush. It turned into a small knife, a knife she had used countless of times. Gently, she ran it over her arm, along the previous scars, on top and around them. Her eyes rolled back into her head as she leaned her body against the wall. A rush of relief fell over her.
Elladora looked down at the mess she had made. Casting Episkey, she tried her best to heal her minor injuries. Her arm burned, closely followed by a feeling of dunking it in snow. After composing herself, she used Scourgify to clean the bathroom floor from any sign of blood. Satisfied with her work, she sneaked into her bed without waking her roommates. Feeling too exhausted she decided a few hours of sleep before jumping wouldn’t be too bad.