the wolves (i)
September 1980
What's left of me for the wolves, just picked around the bone
I like your company, why would you leave me here all alone?
Oh-oh, oh, oh
And I lay under the smoke and the fallen debris
And all you animals come take a bite out of me
Oh-oh
Remus pushed the door open and was surprised by the coolness of the house inside. It had been a hot September, which did not help with the nausea that was crawling its way up Remus’ throat, as he limped his way inside to his and Sirius’ flat. Sirius most have been here not to long ago if the cooling spell was still in place, and Remus hoped this meant he had just popped out to the shops. He was craving some form of normality.
It had been his longest time away with the pack up in the highlands, and in truth he had been ordered to stay longer, but after the full moon he had no choice but to flee. He couldn’t believe it had only been twenty-four hours since he had turned back, and whilst many of his fresh scars had begun to heal over, a dangerously large one on his left shoulder was refusing to mend itself. Once upon a time this pain had been a constant norm after the full moon, but now felt foreign; a memory of an old life, before fifth year, when he had had to turn alone.
He cursed himself for his stupidity, in thinking that the werewolf pack, he had been told to infiltrate by the Order, would trust him so easily. They had played dumb, appearing as though they were eating out of Remus’ hand, but when the full moon came and instinct was heightened, the smell of secrets and deception had been wrung out of him. Several of the pack had attacked him, the fastest of them having sunk his teeth deep into Remus’ shoulder before he had caught on and ran; waking up naked and alone in a forest that smelt only of him.
He had laid there on the ground, chastising himself, and thinking of how he had let the Order down. The foolishness of it all churning around in head, as he had laid there for about an hour before the pain eased enough for him to stand. Even then he knew there was no chance of apparating; his magic was fucked. It was with relief he thought about the fact that his wand was safely at home in London because there was no chance, he would be able to go back to the pack’s hideaway now and recover the sad belongings he had left there. This meant he was in desperate need of some clothes though, and it was with a mix of relief and horror that he smelt the closeness of some form of humanity close by.
He wandered, thinking how dumb he had been to have not prepared for something like this happening, until the smell he had been falling bought him to a small solitary house. Luckily for Remus though, the hot weather meant that whoever lived inside had hung out a large load of washing.
He stole a pair of oversized trousers, a billowing shirt, and whined at the fact he would have to continue to go barefoot and began to follow a signpost that directed him to a small village about another half hour’s walk. He kept waiting his magic to reappear, and it did, but only in small drips and draps – never enough for him to apparate.
It took him the effort to transfigure some muggle money for himself, two buses, a train, and tube journey, before he made it back home.
All he wanted to do was to have Sirius come back, and for them to go to bed, quietly telling one another about what had happened over the last month, but Remus knew he ought to look a closer look at his shoulder. He made his way to their bathroom, twisting around to look at the bite mark in the mirror. It was still weeping, and even after casting several healing spells on it, it refused to budge.
Remus was debating what to do next when he heard the front door open and the familiar laugh of Sirius and James in the living room; part of the tension he had been holding began to release. But James and Sirius’ laugher was quickly stifled when they realised, they were not alone.
Remus had just managed to pull over one of Sirius’ dark t-shirts when the man himself scrambled around the hallway to the bathroom, his wand held out sharply in front of him.
‘Moony’, he said his face breaking out into surprise, and he rushed over pulling Remus in close. Remus whined, as Sirius’ hold pushed into his shoulder. ‘Shit, sorry, are you hurt?’
‘Normal moon stuff,’ Remus shrugged off, smiling, before he leaned in to kiss Sirius.
‘I didn’t know you were going to be back yet. I missed you so much,’ Sirius mumbled through the kiss, and Remus felt his heart flutter at the words.
‘I wasn’t. They stopped trusting me, got a bit messy’.
‘Oh Moony, don’t worry. It’s such a lot to ask,’ Sirius replied, not letting go.
‘Hi,’ James said from the doorway, breaking the moment, ‘Listen, I don’t want to be a dick, and I’m so glad you’re back Moony, but Moody would kill me if he knew we didn’t ask you something, so hm what book did you catch me crying at in sixth year?’.
‘Hey James’ Remus said, comforted by the fact both he and Sirius seemed unchanged since his departure. ‘The Mill on the Floss, Lily had mentioned it in Charms.’ James beamed back at him.
‘Don’t worry about what happened Moony, we’re just glad you’re back. I’ll let Dumbledore know, but with strict orders that you need rest, and you can speak with him on Wednesday. Unless you need to earlier?’
Remus shook his head, and James disappeared from the bathroom doorway. It still amazed him even after nine years of friendship, the self-confident that came along with being a wealthy pureblood. He could not imagine ordering Dumbledore to do anything.
Sirius leaned in, kissing Remus again softly, like he was going to break.
‘I’ve missed you so much, what happened?’.
‘It was my fault. I took things too fast; I didn’t exactly stick with the script Dumbledore and Moody give me’. Remus wanted to tell Sirius how easily he had fallen in with the pack, how much he had let himself trust them because they were so human, so much the opposite of what he had been told to expect. But then not just then, later he told himself; it’s not the time.
‘Oh, fuck them,’ Sirius said, bitterly, ‘They weren’t there. Come on, let’s get you sat down, and I’ll make you something to eat, and then you can tell me what you want’.
They both moved to the living room. Sirius making Remus sit down, whilst he fussed over him, magically providing a full teapot and a plate full of sandwiches, and going back over the flat’s cooling charms. It always amused Remus seeing Sirius like this, so at ease in domesticity.
Remus didn’t get his chance to explain more to Sirius though, as James quickly came back with the affirmation that Dumbledore said Remus could rest until the morning. It wasn’t Wednesday, but it was more than Remus had expected.
‘It’s lovely to see you Moony but, I’m going to head off,’ James said, and Remus nodded hoping James understand, with a mouth full of sandwich and the tired he knew plagued Remus after the full that would be enough. But, Sirius whipped his head round, from where he had been fretting over Remus, to look at James in bewilderment.
‘What about the pub?’, he said, ‘I thought we were going together?’.
‘Well,’ James began, his eyes shifting between Sirius and Remus, ‘I was going to head there early, I thought you two might want some space’.
‘Nah, Moony, you’ll want to come right? Its been planned all week, the group together, they’ll all want to see you so much’. James made a face at Sirius, but Sirius looked frantic, and so even though Remus hadn’t slept now in over twenty-four hours, his shoulder was screaming out in pain, and his magic was still completely deflated, he couldn’t help but to say yes. Sirius’ face relaxed, and he beamed at Remus, and all three off them set off together, after Remus’ had finished the sandwich he had been currently eating.
*
They were the first to arrive at The Flying Companion, and James went over to order them three beers, leaving Sirius and Remus to have some more minutes alone.
‘I still can’t believe you’re back,’ Sirius said, not even attempting to hide their relationship, as he cupped his hand over Remus’ face.
‘Me too,’ Remus said, ‘I thought I was never going to get away from the pack’, but the moment was broken, and Sirius quickly took his hand away when there was a loud shriek.
‘What the fuck?!’, a similar voice suddenly called out.
‘I’m back,’ Remus offered up in reply to the two women stood in front of their table – Marlene McKinnon and Dorcas Meadows.
‘You never said!’ Marlene said, hitting Sirius playfully around the back of the head as she and Dorcas took a seat besides them in the curved booth. Sirius pulled back, knocking into Remus, and he had to bite down hard on his bottom lip to stop himself from crying out for the way it made his shoulder sing.
Peter arrived next, the same shock on his face as had been on Marlene and Dorcas’. He was closely followed by Emmeline Vance, Benjy Fenwick and the Prewett twins to Remus’ bemusement. This was new. Before he left, they only saw the last four at Order meetings, but it was nice if people were getting along; even if the Prewett twins still continued to ignore him, and only Emmeline attempted to ask him if he was okay.
The size of the group meant the booth that James and Sirius’ had chosen was too small to accommodate them all and so they moved, pushing two tables together to fit them all round. Every step from the booth to the table felt like a lifetime to Remus, as his shoulder slowly rocked back and forth. At least, once they were sat down as a group, he could position himself firmly so that it was kept in place, with the welcoming warmth of Sirius’ hand, on his thigh now, to keep him rooted.
His attempts to stay awake however were another issue. The pub was warm, and even after he managed to half-heartedly sup his way through one beer, he knew another one could be a big mistake. With every blink it was becoming harder and harder to fight, and the pain in his shoulder only intensified underneath Sirius’ black shirt. It was too nice to say anything though. Nice to feel like he belonged again. Far too nice to ask Sirius if he minded going home yet, when Sirius was born to socialise in large groups like this. And indeed, he was. All big gestures, and his loud bark of a laugh dominating the ground.
After they had been there for an hour or so Lily appeared, her eyes widening as she saw Remus. She did not smile however as the rest of their friends had - wide and open. Instead, she gave him a sad small smile, which made Remus want to disappear.
James got up, and the pair went to the bar, where he was clearly explaining to Lily how he and Sirius had found Remus, as she kept sending small glances over in his direction. Once she returned, putting her drink down besides James, and pulling up a chair, she walked around so she was behind Remus. She leant over the back of his seat, hugging him from behind.
‘I hope you’re okay?’ she said quietly into his ear. It was clearly a question. Years later, Remus would realise she had been the first one to ask. To ask if he was okay and not just the operation.
‘I’m fine,’ he said, trying to laugh it off, but it was too hard to keep the pain out of his voice, as the pressure of Lily’s hug ignited the pain in his shoulder.
She pushed herself away from him, and he turned to see her frowning. He was horrified to see imprinted on her light green blouse, just below her left shoulder, was his blood. She looked down at it.
‘You’re bleeding,’ she said simply. Everybody else was now looking at them.
‘I’m sorry,’ Remus said quickly.
‘Remus!’ she huffed out, ‘You should not be apologising.’ She looked pointedly at James and Sirius. The latter looked sheepish, but Sirius looked angry. Remus wished he were back in the forest alone. Then Sirius’ face changed quickly – the face of the perfect host.
‘Should we carry this on back at our place?’ he said. Lily shot Sirius a dirty look.
‘Please,’ Remus said simply, and she shook her head, wandering off to whisper something to James.
The Prewett twins were the only ones to decline Sirius’ offer, though Dorcas did triple check with Remus first if it was okay if she and Marlene came. Lily had stormed out by this point, and James had gone after her.
‘Great we can all apparate there then!’ Sirius said.
‘Sirius,’ Remus said quietly, but he knew everybody was listening, even if they had the courtesy to look away. ‘I can’t apparate’.
Sirius looked at him. His face was ashy. Remus hadn’t seen him look like that since fifth year when he had just ran away from home.
‘You can side-along with me’, he said softly, ‘You don’t mind if we have people back, do you?’.
‘Of course, not Pads’, Remus said, though he couldn’t quite meet Sirius’ eye.
When Remus and Sirius got back to their flat everybody was already getting settled in the living room - James and Lily included.
Lily, however, came rushing straight over to see Remus.
‘Please can I look at your arm, she said.
‘Shoulder,’ he automatically corrected, as he tried to avoid everybody else’s gaze, as he made his way to his and Sirius’ bedroom, with Lily and Sirius following him.
Sirius closed the door behind them, and Remus pulled off his t-shirt. Lily let out a little cry, as she saw the new scars criss-crossing their way across Remus’ chest. Sirius looked on the verge of tears. It was a strange divergence from how Sirius had presented himself outside.
‘What happened?’ Lily asked.
Remus sighed. ‘They knew something was up with me, and last night, when the full came they attacked me. It’s all fine, one perk of being a werewolf this healing malarky’.
‘That is not healing,’ Sirius said, shakenly, pointing to the large bite on Remus’ shoulder. ‘Why didn’t you tell me?’. Remus didn’t reply, choosing instead to look at the mark in the mirror, on top of their chest of drawers. It was still weeping blood, and the area around it looked like a difficult stain of red wine. Sirius began to openly cry, but stood back, as Lily examined the bite more closely.
‘It’s the venom. It’s gotten in too deep, but it should be fine after a couple of days of rest since you can’t actually turn into more of a werewolf,’ Lily said, with an attempt at a small laugh. ‘Have you got any bandages?’ she asked, catching herself and quickly sobering up. She was looking at Sirius. He nodded and slipped out the door.
‘It’s not his fault Lily,’ Remus said quietly. She huffed out a loud sigh.
‘Those fucking boys!’, she said, stamping her foot on the floor, ‘Sometimes you think they’re fully grown out of their entitled little games, but then…’
‘Lily, please. It’s not like I said anything,’ and Lily started to cry as well.
‘Remus, you don’t know what it’s been like. You’ve been gone a month; we’ve been worried sick about you. But, even if you weren’t hurt, I bet they never asked if you wanted to go out tonight? Hell, you could have been on a monthly all-inclusive trip to the Maldives, and I would know when you came back your first option would never be to go socialise. Especially with such bigots!’
Sirius walked back in with the bandages, saw Lily was crying, and shoved the bandages into her hands, before leaving again. A lump appeared in Remus’ throat. It had always been Sirius who had taken care of him when they had been at Hogwarts. James was too panicky, and Peter had always just looked pleased to not have been asked, so it had fallen onto Sirius. Sirius had spent eight years convincing Remus that it was no issue. At the beginning it had been Sirius’ way of coping with the fact he knew his little brother was left alone at Grimmauld Place with their mother and father. But, as they got older, especially once they had started seeing each other, it had become something more, with Sirius repeatedly explaining he felt it was a privilege to be the one who looked after Remus after the full moon. It always made Remus feel guilty, but now that Sirius had ducked out for the first time, he realised how much he needed it as a part of his monthly recovery.
Lily broke Remus out of thoughts as she used an advanced cleansing spell on his shoulder, the sharp sting of it cleaning out any infection. She took her time bandaging it up carefully and offered to go back home and get him a sleeping draft, but Remus declined, claiming he was so tired he just needed to lie down, and he’d fall straight asleep.
‘And Lily,’ he said, once he was laid out in bed, and she was getting ready to leave, ‘Please don’t make this a thing. We need each other now more than ever.’
‘Okay,’ she whispered back, sliding the door shut, as she disappeared into the brightness.
‘Thanks’, Remus whispered back to the empty room.
He shut his eyes hoping that he had been right, and that sleep would come easily, but his hearing, always augmented by the full moon, meant he couldn’t help but listen to Lily’s footsteps as they made their way halfway down the hall to the living room before going to a quick halt.
‘How is he?’ he heard Sirius ask.
‘He’s fine, no thanks to you,’ Lily replied.
‘Lily,’ Sirius began, but he was cut off.
‘Listen Sirius, the only reason I’m not going to have a go is because Moony asked me to. You know, after he told me we need each other now more than ever, so don’t make me break my promise to him. I’m only staying in case he needs anything, so maybe take a leaf out of his book and remind yourself we’ll all on the same side, and I’ll be able to stand being here’.
Later after everybody had gone, Sirius crept into bed. He hadn’t slept; hadn’t been able to after hearing Sirius and Lily’s conversation outside, even as his eyes felt full of sand. He thought about pretending, but Sirius knew him to well, and could tell he was awake.
‘I’m sorry’, he said, as he laid down next to Remus, brushing his hand against Remus’ cheek. He was crying again, keeping up a string of apologies, as he continued to stroke Remus’ face; sorry for not asking Remus how he had been, for not asking Remus what he had wanted to do, and for leaving him in here alone. Remus assured him it was all okay, staring back at Sirius, but he couldn’t get rid of the twisted feeling sitting in his gut. Even though it was true, it was, it was fine, he did forgive him. But then also, Sirius never cried, and Sirius never left him. And the part of him he had attempted to bury in June 1978 crawled its way out of Remus and wished he hadn’t had to lie there for four hours alone, listening to Sirius who had seemed so far away in the living room.