Confusion
Sirius's courage and desire to be good officially exceeded his family's legacy, on the day he was sorted into Gryffindor. The sorting hat had greatly hesitated on which house he would belong to since the boy was a Black, intelligent, and ambitious.
Sirius, despite his strong desire to be different from his parents, could have thrived in Slytherin. At least, that's what the hat had said during the ceremony when the boy was eleven.
All of that had to do with his cunningness. He hated the fact that he shared qualities with those awful snakes, but without this quality, he wouldn’t have been able to navigate this unpleasant situation with such ease.
“Mister Black!” Professor Slughorn exclaimed. “Such foul language is unacceptable! I’m taking back the points I’ve just accorded to Gryffindor.”
Sirius heard James quietly sigh, he obviously wasn’t the only disappointed student as others also noisily reacted.
"Ush, everyone!" The authority in the man's voice brought the entire class to a halt. "Now, unless you want to spend the rest of the week in detention, I'd advise you to explain yourself, young man." Slughorn gazed upon Sirius, waiting for a response. “What‘s happened?”
"Well, I'm confused..." Sirius returned his stare, his voice bland. He didn't want to show his peers that he was taken aback by Remus's secret attraction to James's shampoo, so he brought up something totally unrelated "I don't think your potion is working for me, professor”
"How come?"
"I'm not drawn to what I'm smelling, not at all." What a perfect escape from the true reason.
The professor’s severe expression turned slightly humorous. “I assure you that this amortentia is accurately made” A faint laughter fell from his lips. “Sometimes, one is not aware of their heart’s deepest desires…”
The comment left Sirius dumbfounded. Why in Merlin's name would he be attracted to the library? Books were boring. Quiet spaces were boring. Being boring wasn’t attractive.
As he tried to figure out what the odour meant, he subconsciously flared his nostril and furrowed his brows.
The teacher noticed his confusion and was content with the effect his words had left on Sirius. He went on with the class.
Sirius was aware of the looks he was receiving from some of his classmates, but he didn't mind. He had more important things to think about.
He tried to focus on the smell and ended up detecting something sweet and somewhat citrusy in addition to the old book scent, though it wasn’t fruity. It was bitter, like an earl grey tea or a piece of dark chocolate.
What a soft delightful odour it was.
It took him a minute or two to connect the dots. Meanwhile, Slughorn’s teachings entered one ear and left the other.
The potion smelled so good.
/Old books, chocolate and bergamot; a soft smell that made him spiral in nostalgia./
Shock ran through Sirius.
Oh.
Oh no.
No.
Sirius Black was not attracted to Remus Lupin. Sirius wasn’t gay.
James picked up on the changes in Sirius’s body language. On how his shoulders tightened, how his breathing became shallow and fast, how his fists clenched.
“‘you okay, Pads?”
Sirius couldn’t answer. He was spiraling.
Sure, Remus was a pretty-looking guy. He was tall. He had short golden curly hair. Freckles covered his face as did some scars. His honey-coloured eyes were kind and comforting. But no matter how pretty Remus was, it didn’t matter because Sirius wasn’t into blokes. He wasn’t gay.
And even if he was (which he wasn’t), he wouldn’t fancy Remus. Attraction was beyond appearances. Remus had been extremely unkind to Sirius. Meanness wasn’t an attractive personality trait.
Remus was sarcastic and intense, but always too calm; a contrast to Sirius’s bright, shallow and wild everlasting mood. Weren’t you supposed to be alike the people you were interested in?
It didn’t matter that the pair of them used to be so close. It didn’t matter that Remus’s laugh sounded better than any song. It didn’t matter that his touch was so warm it outshone the sun. It didn’t matter that the thin grey scars on his face connected his freckles so flawlessly, it made him look like an atlas showing constellations.
It didn’t matter, because Remus wasn’t any sky, any galaxy, any universe. He was just a boy.
It didn’t matter, because Sirius wasn’t gay. And even if he was (which he wasn’t), Remus hated him and maybe fancied James.
The thought of Remus wanting to be with James inexplicably felt like a weight in Sirius’s chest, a punch to his stomach, a kick to his guts.
Sirius tried to remember the exact meaning of amortentia smell. Maybe Remus wasn’t attracted to people who smelled like lavender. Maybe he only liked the plant and its smell.
Sirius would have to read about the potion to find out.
Shoulders colliding, James nudged Sirius to get his attention. “Sirius?” He whisper-shouted. Sirius turned his head in his friend’s direction. When their eyes met, James saw confusion. Sirius saw concern. “What’s the matter?”
“oh, It’s nothing.” He shrugged the question off, “I just feel a bit uneasy, I think maybe the concussion didn’t heal properly.” He added a short laugh at the end of his sentence to sound more convincing. He didn’t want James to feel concerned.
“Do you want us to go back to the hospital wing?” James offered. “Madam Pomfrey could definitely help.”
“Uh yeah, I think I’ll go, but you can stay here. You’ve already missed first period because of me.”
Before his friend could even protest, Sirius had already slipped past all the students between his James and the door. He had already exited the class before James could follow, so James let it go.
Slughorn didn’t notice a thing.
Sirius didn't actually intend to go to the infirmary. He just wanted to escape from his classmates. He was craving solitude and peace. And a cigarette.
Walking around Hogwarts helped him relax. He was starting to calm down, calculating a path to his dorm, where he’d grab his pack and head outside.
But his newfound peace of mind dissipated when he heard footsteps following him down the staircase. He turned around and saw no one. He decided to change his route. As the sound of the steps still followed him, he assumed James was spying on him using the cloak.
His friend’s motherly instincts sometimes pushed him to do weird things; like stalking.
When Sirius swiftly turned around and reached for the slightly detectable invisibility cloak, he was surprised to see that James wasn’t the stalker.
Remus stood there, in front of him, annoyed he had been caught. He crossed his arms in front of him, his weird posture matched the uncomfortable look plastered on his face.
Sirius’s body froze, he felt his blood run cold. He mindlessly dropped the cloak on the floor. He didn’t pick it up, he wouldn’t let his eyes leave Remus’s.
Remus was an arm's length away from him.
Sirius cleared his throat, breaking the awkward silence. “Why were you following me?” He spoke with no emotion. He wasn’t going to let his mixed-up feelings be obvious to Remus.
Remus scoffed, “I was only trying to figure out what your fucking problem is.”
Their proximity allowed Sirius to study the slightest twitch in Remus's face. Remus was definitely angry. He bore a similar expression to the one he did during their big fight, minus the teary eyes.
“My problem?” Sirius chuckled in defiance. “You should really be thinking about yours.”
“What’s that supposed to mean? Are you being anti-gay again?” Remus’s eyebrows scrunched up.
“Of course not.” Sirius almost sounded hurt for a second. “It’s just funny that mister ‘I’m smarter than everyone else’ didn’t realize he just told everybody who he was crushing on. There’s only one bloody thing that smells like lavender in a 500-kilometer radius, and it’s not that much of a thing, it’s a person. Now the whole class now knows who you’re attracted to”
A flash of realization crossed Remus’s face. He then broke the eye-contact and shyly stared at his feet “…doesn’t really matter” He sighed “It’s not like you didn’t already know.”
What? Why would Remus think Sirius knew about his feelings towards Prongs. “What?”
“You’ve known for ages, well, I mean at least for a year” Sirius was confused. Remus continued mumbling his nonsense. “Don’t pretend you don’t remember our last conversation… before all of this.”
Sirius understood that Remus was talking about their fight but he didn’t recall James being mentioned in it “I certainly don’t remember you saying you liked James.”
Remus’s head snapped back up. He studied Sirius. “God, You are so thick.”
After insulting Sirius, he turned on his heels and started to walk away, but Sirius was unsatisfied with the way their conversation had ended so he grabbed his arm and spun him around. Remus stared at the point of contact between Sirius’s hand and his forearm. He didn’t speak or protest, he just stared in silence
“Why? What don’t I underst-” but before Sirius could ask what he meant, Remus impulsively pushed both of his shoulders, which made him stumble backwards. When Sirius came in contact with the wall and looked up, he hadn’t expected for Remus to be hovering so close to him.
Remus’s hands rested on the wall, one on each side of Sirius’s head
They both stared into each other’s eyes. “You’re an idiot.” Remus’s voice was quiet but firm. It almost sounded like he was speaking to himself. “I’ve never met someone so oblivious.”
When the silence grew louder, Sirius couldn’t help but apprehensively look down at his lips, expecting the other to continue speaking. Remus noticed the gaze and copied it, bringing his face down to Sirius’s height.
Sirius leaned forward, just a couple of centimetres.
They were so close they could both feel the other’s breath on their skin.
Sirius swallowed.
“What did you mean when you said only one thing smelled like lavender?” Remus whispered.
“I- uh…” Sirius had to remember how his brain worked before answering. “James’s Shampoo”
A humourless laughter left Remus’s mouth. “And who mainly uses James’s shampoo?”
Remus brought his right hand closer to Sirius, into his hair. He slowly twirled a loose strand around his finger before meticulously placing it behind Sirius’s pierced ear.
“No one other than m-” He fell quiet and Remus understood that Sirius had realized the meaning of what Remus smelled.
Rain, leather and lavender.
Rain, for the countless mornings the two boys had spent together, cozying in the common room and avoiding the outside, always leaving a window open so that their ears could pick up the sweet melody of the light pluvious sounds.
Leather, for the old muggle jacket Sirius too often wore.
And lavender, for the smell of Sirius’s hair.
Sirius didn’t understand what came over him, but his thoughts and actions were controlled by the newfound revelation that Remus liked him.
Sirius approached Remus even more than he already had.
When Remus didn’t move away, Sirius let his body succumb to the urge.
He pressed their lips together. Remus kissed him back, his hands grabbing the sides of Sirius’s face. Sirius grasped Remus’s hips, bringing their bodies closer.
The kiss wasn’t soft or composed. It was hard and desperate.
Sirius groaned when Remus bit his bottom lip.
Sirius didn’t even have time to savour the sweetness of Remus’s lips before Remus pulled his face away.
Sirius was out of breath but somehow managed to talk. “I thought you hated me.” A hopeful smile now occupied his lips.
Remus moved his thumb and traced Sirius’s grin, looking intensely at the mouth he had just devoured. “You thought right.” He brought his gaze back up to create a heartbreakingly strong eye contact.
“What?” Sirius nervously said.
“You thought right,” Remus repeated, breaking the stare. He stepped away, reached for the cloak, on the floor. He grasped it and shoved it in the pocket of his large robes. He walked away without looking back at the confused boy.
Sirius’s thoughts were all mixed up but he was sure of at least one thing; the kiss he had just shared with Remus was better than any snog he had ever gotten from a girl.