Contemplation
The dorm was a mess, which was to be expected given that four boys shared it, with no one to supervise them.
Remus used to try and keep everything in order. But, since the fight, he had grown apart from the boys and now only went to the dorm to sleep and change. Ordering the others to clean up after themselves wasn’t beneficial for him anymore.
When Sirius entered their room, he couldn't help but notice its particularly terrible state. One of them had left a window wide open.
Peter had to be the culprit. James and Sirius had left him alone in the room as they went to the infirmary. Peter wasn't particularly bright. He was the only one who could have forgotten to shut the window while such a storm raged outside.
The opening had let so much water inside, Sirius’s and Peter’s beds (which were the ones closer to the window) were drenched. Sirius took care of it all, using the same drying charm Mary had earlier used.
Once everything was dealt with, He sat down on the end of his bed, then proceeded to grab his pack, take a fag out and put the others back under his pillow.
It wasn’t after muttering a quiet and controlled “incendio” that he finally took a drag. The burn tasted good. He noticed that the speed of his thoughts had slowed a little. Sirius blew the smoke out the small opening he had left when arranging the small wreck.
Droplets of water landed on his face. He inhaled deeply. He didn’t feel so good. Before letting himself replay the kiss in his mind, he put his cigarette back between his lips and inhaled a second puff.
He focused on the burn, on how it clouded his mind, making him forget.
Sirius wasn't in the mood to contemplate his entire existence. Remus had kissed him, and he had enjoyed the experience. There was nothing further to say.
Well, there was actually a lot more to it, but Sirius couldn't bear thinking about what this whole situation meant.
If Remus despised Sirius, why did he kiss him?
Sirius tried to clear his head by staring at the water drops rolling down the slightly fogged glass.
He hadn't even realized he'd finished his cigarette until the small object in his hand felt weightless.
He wouldn't smoke another one.
James and Euphemia had strong opinions on cigarettes. They would both scold him whenever he bore a smell that was too strong.
Sirius truly loved the Potter household. It was one of the few places where he felt he was being cared for. Sirius was unfamiliar with the virtues of kindness and open-mindedness that his best friend's parents exhibited.
Sirius liked their home, only, there were some days when he couldn’t help but feel out of place. He had been startled when he first witness James hugging his father, or kissing his mother’s cheek. Never once in his life had Sirius shared an embrace with a member of his family. Not that he had ever wanted to.
Walburga and Orion didn't exactly strive to love. They were nothing more than abusive blood-supremacists. Incestuous marriages and astronomy seemed to be their sole interests. There was also their adoration for the past time of consistently scheming to find a way to inflict the dark mark on Sirius. They were both horrible parents.
Perhaps Sirius and Regulus would have had a better connection if they had been raised by nicer people, but as it was, they had never been encouraged to express affection for one another.
Sirius’s parents had been talking about him joining the dark lord’s army for a while before they actually tried to force the status of death eater onto him. They seemed rather surprised when the boy fought back as if they expected their Gryffindor son to enthusiastically join an evil wizard’s cult.
The night they tried and tortured him into it, was the night he ran away, leaving his brother behind.
After escaping his mother's grasp and sprinting up the stairs, Sirius used a spell to swiftly pack his most valued items and apparated just outside the Potter manor.
The cruciatus curse was definitely way worse than what Sirius had imagined. It was one of the two most excruciating pains he had ever experienced.
Sirius shook his head, casting away those thoughts, only to let the Remus-related ones back in his mind.
Remus was pretty.
Remus kissed Sirius.
Remus smelled nice.
Remus hated Sirius.
Remus was infuriating.
Remus was lovely.
Remus was attracted to Sirius. “It’s not like you didn’t already know.” Remus had said. Remus thought Sirius already knew, why?
Sirius had to think really hard about that. Remus wasn't exactly forthcoming with his feelings. Remus was not one of the giggling teenage girls who batted their eyelashes at Sirius. Sirius couldn't have worked out that he liked him on his own.
There had to be something, whether it was a slip-up on Remus' part or clear evidence of his amorous feelings. It seemed unlikely that Remus had just assumed Sirius knew.
“You’ve known for ages, well, I mean at least for a year” Sirius was confused. Remus continued mumbling his nonsense. “Don’t pretend you don’t remember our last conversation… before all of this.”
It finally hit Sirius.
“Well it’s not my fault you’re in love with me!” Sirius had shouted during their fight. Remus never denied it.
If this was it, it meant that Remus felt more than just attraction for him; it meant that Remus loved him and that Remus had been in love with him.
He'd never had someone in love with him.
Some girlfriends over the years may have told Sirius that they were in love with him, but those girls didn’t know Sirius all that well. They only witness the glorious, happy, carefree side of Sirius's character. They had no choice but to see what Sirius wanted them to see.
Remus, on the other hand, had been there through it all, both good and bad. He'd seen him smile and frown, heard him laugh and cry.
Before Sirius could get his hopes up that Remus Lupin did, love him, he had to go talk to him. He didn’t want to do what he always did and make up false conclusions.
Sirius quickly stood up from his bed and went to the great hall.
Second period had to be near its end. Sirius would wait for Remus in the great hall and ask him to talk.
Sirius would deal with the gay crisis after. If Remus was to tell him that he felt nothing for him, then Sirius could put those mixed feelings in the past, he could pretend he has never questioned his heterosexuality.