The One In Which No Illicit Drugs Were Used, Surprisingly
Bob the builder looked upon the vast castle that lay before him, his energy gun held in his hand. He walked towards the café just to the right of it, sat down, and checked the time once again.
He had been pacing back and fro 252 times - this was the 251st time he checked his watch. He was fairly certain that he had breached the no weapons rule of the cafe several times already.
Finally, a man in a blue business suit walked in. A small badge on his lapel proclaimed him to be a lawyer.
"Ah, Mr. Wright, I see you're here to help with the safety inspection for the castle."
"Indeed I am, Prof. The Builder. I've heard rumours, from the residents, of strange, hunched, goblin-like even, people in wide brimmed hats flying around on dastardly contraptions fashioned from cleaning equipment. Tell me, Prof. The Builder, is this true?"
"Yes, and is a fragrant breach of flight safety regulations. They have proven to be violent when confronted, and as such, I have been assigned to be your bodyguard."
Bob lifted his green helmet, and placed it over his other, yellow, helmet.
"So, shall we get started?"
"Of course, Professor. Lead the way."
Bob must've replied. It was difficult to tell - his helmet reduced his words to grunts, for "the sake of intimidating the enemy", or so the manufacturers proclaimed. For the sake of accuracy in our reporting, here's a transcript of what he said:
"grrrrmhgrrga"
The odd pair walked down the large bridge towards the castle in the middle of a forest, 'Hogwarts', if the sign was correct. The dense air traffic with no coordination and unlicensed falconry filled the air. Entering the castle's atrium, one could see staircases with no railing, a lack of disabled ramps, and open flame from hovering candles. The building wasn't licensed as historical, despite the clear oldness in its design, and hadn't been inspected, ever. One way or another, they would find their way to the owner of this building, and fine them. Once, of course, these gargoyles stopped swarming them.
And by god, did these gargoyles swarm them, with their stone teeth gnashing, and claws outstretched, ready to give the suspecting foes quite the ride through severe blunt force head traumas. They raced towards the pair, propelled by patent impinging copies of the famed Broomstick 15 engines, chattering all the while.
"grrrrmhgrrga"
"It does seem so, Professor. These gargoyles are awfully similar to the Robot Golem Pigeons employed by the Redstone Institute. This cesspool of code infringements must go deeper than we initially thought."
Ripping and tearing through the monsters, heavy metal echoing behind him, a man in gear similar to Bob's appeared.
"Hey, could you show me the nearest portal to hell? Some demons killed my rabbit."
Within the armour was a bright blue pony, with multicoloured streaks in her hair.
"My name's Rainbow Dash, but everyone calls me Doomguy."
With a fire extinguisher to the head, Phoenix Wright dispatched the last gargoyle. Now for the harder part, going up those steps that vanished in rippling ways.
"Well these steps surely aren't up to code"
"grrrrmhgrrga"
"Yes, they do seem to be supplied by the Redstone Institute as well. Did they produce everything in this accursed building? Look, even this fire extinguisher - their logo is on it."
Wright dragged the fire extinguisher out of the gargoyle's rubble.
"grrrrmhgrrga"
"No, Prof. we will present this extinguisher as evidence in the tribunal"
"grrrrmhgrrga"
"No, Prof, do not use the extin-"
Now, for those unfamiliar with Redstone Institute fire extinguishers, it is recommended that users read the manual beforehand. This is not because the operation of the extinguisher is complex or difficult, but rather because each fire extinguisher contains a read-manual sensor, implemented after a few too many lawsuits.
Using the extinguisher without reading the manual, then, summons said manual from the Publishing Dimension. And so a vortex of books, cease and desist letters, and unread screenplays poured out of an innocuous looking portal. The portal shuddered a bit, warping and contorting, producing a 100 metre tall tome. Presumably, this was the manual.
Of course, it is rather difficult to avoid such a tome as it is propelled through the air by demonic forces, but worry not dear reader, for the Redstone Institute implemented a safety feature whereby the tome would gradually float to the ground via a series of very cute, pastel balloons. This, surprisingly, was not implemented after a lawsuit, but due to the cold machinations of the market - someone who has read the tome cannot buy more fire extinguishers if they have been crushed by said tome. This feature has increased sales by around 64%.