wizard war criminal (she/they) it's like gringotts. i'd bet that the goblins could outlast a siege down there, just luring people in and letting them kill themselves on the traps
Queen of the Cards, Lady of EHoW The way the bank is set up is clearly only to make for easy murder via throwing people out of the carts
It's not exactly efficient
wizard war criminal (she/they) yeah like. one major entrance? a maze belowground? sir this isn't a good way to get people to their money
but it IS a good way to make sure that people will never be able to kill you all
(and to hold their money hostage, admittedly)
just knock out the supports for the minecarts and anyone coming in is a sitting duck on their brooms
Queen of the Cards, Lady of EHoW If I were part of a group of people forced into working finance at the exclusion of all other jobs and treated as a second class citizen at best, you better believe I'm working to keep the ruling class from their stuff
Might even use that in a rebellion if the wixen population ends up dwindling. Get all rich and powerful people into there and blow the whole thing up
wizard war criminal (she/they) sorry ma'am your investments didn't pay off hides money behind back no idea why, we worked very hard. looks at notes we didn't deliberately sabotage your portfolio, i promise (:
Queen of the Cards, Lady of EHoW (: (: (:
wizard war criminal (she/they) now, if you'll just follow me into this rickety deathtrap i can show you our high-security areas. don't worry about your money, anyone unauthorized will get disintegrated (: who's authorized? us bank workers (: oh i'm sure the security measures won't hurt you (: painless disintegration
wizards. it's almost too easy
Queen of the Cards, Lady of EHoW See this lovely dragon we have? It will protect your assets from all unauthorized persons (:
wizard war criminal (she/they) haha what stuff? you withdrew money over your spending limit, we had to repossess the contents of your vault. and your house. and your business. sorry, we're contractually obligated to do this, you did read the fine print, right? you did? all seventy pages of it?
you didn't? well that's just irresponsible
Queen of the Cards, Lady of EHoW We check regularly to make sure everything is in order with your vault. Do you want some time alone in here? No problem, I'll come back to get you (:
wizard war criminal (she/they) yepyep, be right back, just going to do a routine security check! (:
does not tell wizard that "routine security checks" take about six weeks to complete
a tragedy, really. who could have seen this coming?
Queen of the Cards, Lady of EHoW Even more irresponsible is the fact that you didn't ask for an exhaustive list of things that might happen to your account in any number of cases. We are not mandated to give this information out unprompted (:
wizard war criminal (she/they) have you simply forgot what you signed? oh you put your copy of the contract in your bank vault? i'm sorry we can't let any random person into a vault without their contract. it's to stop imposters (:
not that i think you're an imposter. it's just protocol (:
i would never break protocol
this is just the definition of Malicious Compliance lawful evil edition
Queen of the Cards, Lady of EHoW Oh, you want to make an appeal to the court? Well, as this is a goblin matter, you will have to come to our court. I'm sure that won't be a problem? You do know all the etiquette rules relevant and the consequence for breaking them, surely. They were outlined on your contract, after all (:
wizard war criminal (she/they) Sir I Would Never Break A Contract. I'm So Sorry To Inform You That I Cannot Do That, It's Not Part Of The Contract. Please Refer To Page 199, Section 7, Paragraph 1 For More Details. Oh You Can't Find Page 199? We Can Print That Out For You For A Small Fee. Here, I Hope You Can Read Goblin (:
Queen of the Cards, Lady of EHoW No I'm afraid you can't get a new contract. No wizard is permitted to open a a second account. We would have to close the old account and would take possession of all items therein [:
wizard war criminal (she/they) it's not a big deal, just a little fee of ten percent of your total net worth nothing to worry about (:
Queen of the Cards, Lady of EHoW A reasonable amount
wizard war criminal (she/they) imagine they write all the fine print in an archaic dialect of goblin
like yeah lmao just translate it
Queen of the Cards, Lady of EHoW No way they dont do that
Kimmmm I would like to read this fic
Queen of the Cards, Lady of EHoW Same. You'd have to be careful with the undertones though, since goblins are an antisemitic caricature
wizard war criminal (she/they) oh, your translator doesn't know the dialect? we can provide one (: i promise they won't translate the words with ambiguous meanings to give you a false but technically properly translated impression of the contract (:
Queen of the Cards, Lady of EHoW ...for a small fee, of course. Dont worry, it will be charged to your account automatically (:
wizard war criminal (she/they) just a tiny fee. little itty bitty fee. don't worry about it!
Queen of the Cards, Lady of EHoW You don't have to do anything, we'll handle it for you (:
wizard war criminal (she/they) just hand us all of your money and we'll do the rest!
Queen of the Cards, Lady of EHoW We can be very accommodating for someone as distinguished as yourself
wizard war criminal (she/they) i imagine goblin has entire sets of words that translate respectfully but originally are incredibly insulting
Queen of the Cards, Lady of EHoW Definitely
I bet they have words and phrases that are written like English words and phrases but mean very different things
Kimmmm You could totally lean into it, reference the ways many Jews got into banking because they couldn't own land, give goblins a jewish inspo culture a la Tolkien dwarves
make them badass and loveable
Queen of the Cards, Lady of EHoW No law that tells them they have to state if they switch language halfway through (:
wizard war criminal (she/they) we can be very accommodating * for someone as distinguished * as yourself * mismanage your investments while still technically making you a profit * utterly lacking in braincells and yet somehow important to your pathetic society
Queen of the Cards, Lady of EHoW One Knut every century is still profit
wizard war criminal (she/they) "i want to withdraw a major amount of money! [over 75% of what's in the vault]" "of course sir. that will reduce the amount we can invest however, so if you'll just read and sign this contract acknowledging and agreeing to the risks..." signs contractin goblin "god i can't believe they keep falling for this. you'd think after the third time someone's account got closed and everything they left with us taken they'd wise up to the fact that they're agreeing to close their account and give us everything left in their name" "wizards. they never learn"
"and they still haven't noticed it affects other vaults they're allowed to draw money from?" "nope. got like two and a half million galleons off the wizard family vaults over three years. they just complained about the investment profits being lower those years." "gods. do they even learn math?" "apparently not, friend."
Satine There’s like one math-ish class in the whole school
Goblins love muggleborns cause they can math
allhailthewatcher That’s amazing
wizard war criminal (she/they) "hey wizard with a grudge, can we hire you to trick idiots out of their money?" "hell yes where do i sign"
allhailthewatcher The highest ratio of muggle born interns are after gringotts starts a wizarding internship
They’re heralded as amazingly forward thinking and open minded
Satine Why else would they randomly be okay with Voldemort? He had math classes in his muggle elementary school
allhailthewatcher Goblins reply “we hate all wizards. These ones just happen to be smarter”
wizard war criminal (she/they) "i'm a human wizard just like you, which makes me more trustworthy to your horrible little xenophobic brain! let me tell you about the third-most obvious trap in this contract so you'll blindly sign after "fixing" it with my "helpful" advice!"
Queen of the Cards, Lady of EHoW Goblins use muggleborns as spies in society
They keep a collection of hair from rich and powerful wixen so the muggleborns can polyjuice into them and cause chaos
allhailthewatcher Gringotts interns slowly absorb Goblin social graces, which is to say they’re suddenly gruff and weird and intimidating to all other wizards
wizard war criminal (she/they) identity fraud but the goblins are like "you always make stupid decisions with your money, how were we supposed to know that this person wasn't you? they only took half of your vault, you use more than that for your ridiculous birthday celebrations"
allhailthewatcher Goblins are always aware when a nasty little polyjuiced wizard comes through, but they look the other way for the ones on their payroll
Satine “This is your usual time to withdrawal for school shopping, is it not?” “My kids all graduated.” “And that matters to us why?”
wizard war criminal (she/they) it's the ones who aren't that you should really be afraid of, because they've learned how to be completely and utterly polite and deferential when fleecing you for all your money
allhailthewatcher Is that a THIEF?? Oh, no, it’s just Bob, carry on kiddo
Queen of the Cards, Lady of EHoW PoS James potter:
"How was I supposed to know that my bestest friend with the rat animagus form isn't trustworthy? No, I didn't read a single contract I ever signed, what of it?"
allhailthewatcher “You TOLD me to sign on the line, why would I read anything else?”
Queen of the Cards, Lady of EHoW Surely the blood quill we used requires the contract to be fair?
wizard war criminal (she/they) some random wizard asshole: "why are the mudbloods have so much money??!1" muggleborns: work with their investment teams to build stable portfolios in both the magical and mundane worlds random wizard asshole: actively makes terrible financial decisions based on whatever they've decided looks shiny this week and derides their investment team for "not having vision" and not "understanding my genius" goblins: taps fingers together and sighs "i couldn't possibly say, sir."
allhailthewatchersurely you wouldn’t trick me, you like me, right? I have nothing to worry about
Queen of the Cards, Lady of EHoW "Well I'm suing you then" "We do trial by combat" draws suspiciously large axe "Nevermind" stumbles backwards and feels a blade on the spine "Too late" gets pushed into duelling circle
allhailthewatcher “You issued the challenge, wizard. Do you back out now? Keep in mind, the price for cowardice is death”
wizard war criminal (she/they) of course not, we're friends! * (: * i hate you so much. when you die you will die painfully and lucid the entire time. i will stand before you and you will ask for salvation and only when i deny you will you realize that your entire downfall was orchestrated by me, your most trusted companion, your beacon of hope in the rocky waters of the world.
wizard war criminal (she/they) "Come now, face the blade of the Law!"
Queen of the Cards, Lady of EHoW "And no coward nor any with cowards blood may have an account in gringotts"
Just like that, half the pureblood accounts gone
wizard war criminal (she/they) Unless we really like someone, in which case all of their paperwork regarding familial ties got eaten by a dragon.
Oh no.
They could be aNyoNE
Queen of the Cards, Lady of EHoW How weird
Anyway...
wizard war criminal (she/they) "that is CLEARLY a Black" "no they're not" "just LOOK at them! it's so obvious!" "all you wizards look the same. internal documentation never lies, and it says they're a Balk."
Queen of the Cards, Lady of EHoW They have lost all their memories, it's so sad. But because we're so very kind and to help them get back on their feet, we gave them the funds of some vaults we recently had to seize
wizard war criminal (she/they) ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ aren't we generous
Queen of the Cards, Lady of EHoW "Do a blood test then" "Blood tests are illegal and we will have to report you to the ministry for encouraging criminal activity"
wizard war criminal (she/they) "HERE! I have a family tree with their name and portrait!" "Sir this is the Black family tree. Our client is a Balk." "THEY'RE ASTERION BLACK" "Our client is Jaster Noir Balk, not this guy in the painting" "THEY'RE WEARING A FAKE MUSTACHE"
"I fail to see the resemblance"
Queen of the Cards, Lady of EHoW "A portrait is not legally relevant in the first place"
wizard war criminal (she/they) "Why did you even bring this here. We don't do art restoration." "WHA- art restoration? It's in perfect condition!" "Sir your painting is actively on fire"
allhailthewatcher Paint on a wizarding house’s wall is not admissible in goblin affairs
wizard war criminal (she/they)garbled painting screaming
Theodore Z DiAngelo Not sure what i just stumbled on...
wizard war criminal (she/they) goblins fucking with wizards because wizards deserve to have their money taken
for being incompetent xenophobic assholes
Queen of the Cards, Lady of EHoW "We will have to administer a fine for endangering the Gringotts bank, and the goblins and patrons within. It increases per second the offending items remains on the premises"
wizard war criminal (she/they) "Paint fumes are incredibly carcinogenic. We may even have to close early today. We'll be taking the lost profit out of your vaults in recompense."
Queen of the Cards, Lady of EHoW "As paintings are considered being at least partially sentient, we shall have to report you for the destruction of the inhabitants of this painting"
wizard war criminal (she/they) "If that screaming blob of melting colors remains here much longer we may even have to give our workers paid leave off for therapy. You'll be paying, of course, since you caused the disturbance." "YOU'RE THE ONES WHO SET MY PAINTING ON FIRE" "How?" "Wh-how??? Magic! You set my painting on fire with magic!" "I don't have a wand, sir. That would be illegal. Are you suggesting that goblins can wandlessly and wordlessly cast powerful destructive magic?" wizard wrestling with pride and anger "..." "Sir I'm going to have to ask you to leave."
tucks lighter back into pocket "If you come back tomorrow we can get you a list of art restoration professionals, for a small fee of course."
Queen of the Cards, Lady of EHoW I love this server
Also this will be going verbatim into the rambling fic
wizard war criminal (she/they) nice
bat boogie dumbass Okay, THIS is the shit I expected in fics that go into goblin culture
Speaking of which, BILL
Passive aggressive Bill
Goblin-like Bill!!!!
Min the descendent of House Want bill nye weasley the science goblin guy