It's circa 1906 and you are very ill with consumption. You burn with a fever and your body is racked from cold and coughing. Exhausted, you down some opium and hit the deck, seeking relief in sleep. When you wake up, you're in a well-lit room with no furnishing. In front of you is a large clown in a striped suit, T-posing in your direction. They were holding a children's doll in their right hand.
The clown walks up to you and holds out the toy. The doll is naked with explicit male anatomy, and on their toned chest is the name "Jared".
"WannaplaywitPilly?"The clown asks, sadistic grin on his face. Then, he rips the left leg of the doll off. A guttural, animalistic scream can be heard loudly in the distance.
"Pilly Jones Elizabeth Mikey Alzheimers Drownson!"
A female voice shouts just as a girl enters from the left. "What did I tell you about scaring the costumers?" She seizes the doll from the clown and haphazardly shoves its leg back on. Pained whimpers, groans, and staggered breaths can be heard from the void. The girl who is dressed immodestly for the time crosses her arms as Pilly started to cry.
"You are never going to greet the costumers again." She turns to face you and her eyes widen. "Especially not a hottie like this one," she goes up to you and kisses you on the lips and starts to feel you up. You stick a hand up her skirt and before you can tell this poor girl that you are consumptive the both of you are passionately having sex while Pilly grows wings and sadly flies away. The sound of her moans is fighting for attention with the agonizing sobs of whoever Jared was. Then as if the place wasn't loud enough, you suddenly hear, "what the fuck are you intellectually unadvanced corn stalks doing?"
You look up (the girl had found her way on top of you by now) and notice a tall man with flamboyant black makeup and a salamander's head. He's judging you.
"Why the fuck would you fuck in a fucking tree?" A tree? You look down to see that you and the girl are 50 feet off the ground and surrounded by greenery. "Oh senpai," the girl whispered sweetly, her black lip rogue smudging her blushed cheeks, "you make me feel so high." Still looking down, you notice an actual man in a colorful stretchy suit running down the street. His chasing an exceptionally large and exceptionally congealed ball of tartar sauce. You recognized this man.
It was the esteemed captain man from the kid's show 'Henry Danger'!
You hate him.
"Ey!" You yell to him. "What are you doing with my tartar sauce you sick freak!" You jumped out of the tree and started to chase him, fuck ass naked. "Senpai wait!" The girl pleaded from the confines of the tree. "I want to have your babies!"
"You can't have kids," the SalaMANder said. "You're a mermaid vampire, remember?" The girl lights up. "Oh yea!" She said, yanking her legs off to show a shimmering tail.
"It would have been nice to bite him once though, right Jared?" The girl questions. "Can you please put some fucking clothes on me please?" The voice in the void said. "Nah, you look delicious," she says, and chomps on his head. The voice screams a mournful scream, which you hear while chasing Captain Man's sauce.
The mermaid girl neighed then jumped in the ocean.
"Gimme back my Jewish Mayo stepbrother!" You yell as you chase Captain Man chasing Elphaba the tartar sauce ball. "It's not what you think," the hero pleaded. He had a nice ass. "I was trying to get this shit away from Dobby but it got away from me!" Your face scrunches up in confusion. "Dobby?" You looked behind you and saw a hairless goblin with a crazed look in his eyes. It was chasing you on all fours.
"Tartar turn-turn Dobby on!" It shrieked.
Then as you fall over a rock over the fact that you are being chased by a hairless goblin while naked you notice a toddler in a stroller with his mum. "Mummy, look! The white people are doing drugs again." He pointed and sucked his swirly lollipop. "That's right honey!" The mum replied tenderly. "Let's go listen to Bon Jovi in the bathroom!" "Yeah!" And then the two scurry off.
You scamper to your feet and immediately fall down on your uncovered long shaft. You land with a thud in the middle of a funeral parlor.
"You sick fuck!" The paster yells upon seeing your naked form. "Can't you see we're try'na bury someone 'ear?" The crowd boos you and throws pants at you. A dude stands up and tried to defend you. "Guys, guys it's fine, his dick's big." He walks over and hands you a vest. "Go censor yourself and come back in a few." You nod and put the clothes on. You look like Harry Styles but bad actually.
Then you do what you're told and sit next to the kind man. "So who' we burying?" You whispered. "Donald Trump." The man whispers back. Sure enough, the picture on the wall is of the man lovingly Frenching the American flag while his wife looks on in subdued horror. His wife, now widow, was sitting three rows up, looking far more comfortable than when he was alive.
You all clap and laugh at this man's death so much that you feel the need to use the bathroom. After you tinkle and return to the parlor, there is a big commotion around.
Trump's body is no longer in the coffin.
Upon asking your friend, you learned everything that happened. It turns out that while you were pissing, My Chemical Romance, Selene, and the Death Dealers came and kidnapped his body and left. Frank said they were taking his body to Kyiv. "Holy shit, that's funny", you said to your friend. "Why didn't you record it for me to see?" "Why Bradley," they responded. "Cameras don't exist. It's 190-fucking 6!" We both laugh.
Then the feds bust the door down and everyone puts their hands up. "Nobody move!" One of them said. Then they looked at you and pointed. "You, the sexy one, take your vest off and come over here." You oblige and walk over. "Your assignment is to bring it's body back and punish the lucky bastards who did this." Then he casts you outside. "Now that that's out of the way, who wants ice cream?!?" He hold up two gallon jugs of "frozen white cream" and everyone cheered.
Outside, Pilly the clown was waiting for you sitting froggy style, with his wings sprawled out. "WannaplaywitPilly?" He asks, smile still creepy but less sadistic. You jump on him. "Take me to Kyiv," you ordered. "Ride me baby, ride me," the clown said, and up in the air you went.
You guys hadn't been flying for five minutes when you spot 6 people flying on broomsticks. The one black man with them has a large box attached to his broom Kiki style. The girl turned around and it was Selene!
These were the Death Dealers and the black man with Trump's body!
"Hey!" You shouted and everyone sped up to 0.84 miles per hour. "You can't ride broomsticks, your vampires, all of you! This isn't my immortal!" You yelled in frustration. "Shut it you prep!" Selene yells back then flips you off. She pulls out a walkie-talkie and turns it on.
"Ray, catch this shit!" Then suddenly, the black man drops the box off the broom, and you and Pilly descend to follow it. The box falls safely into Ray's waiting hands. Then he and the remaining My Chemical Romance members booked it into the woods. Pilly and you chased them on foot for a while until everyone came to a rousing halt.
"We can't keep running! There's a wall of breakdancing teapots in the way!" Matt said frantically. "Stop now or forever hold your peace," you say for some undiscovered reason, but they all put their hands up. "Drop the box Ray or I'll fuck you up!" He drops it with no hesitation, and you pick it up and hand it to the clown. "Pilly, take this back to the parlor. I'll deal with these people." The clown nods and flies away happily.
You pull some rope out of your pants and you tie all the members to a tree. "I hope you were gonna burn his body at least," you murmur as they all complain about being tied up. "I don't really see the problem," says Gerard. "This kinda turns me on not gonna lie, especially knowing that these ropes came out of your pants."
You sit there and watch the five of them and wait for the cops to come so they could all get churros. "Uh," Gerard perks up again. "I was wondering...can we fuck?" Bewildered, you look him in the eyes. You acknowledge that he's really pretty. "Sure, why not?" You finally admonish, and you help to untie him. You undress each other and begin to passionately have sex on the forest floor. As you kiss and feel each other up while the others watch on, amused, an older looking woman comes in. "What the fuck are you two doing?" She yells.
Gerard squeaks, climbs off of you and runs into the bushes to hide. The other members are also there having already untied themselves.
"Gerard! I can't believe you would allow yourself to get with...such a fine specimen of a man!" The woman's voice got all high and she began to unbutton her shirt. You back away uncomfortably. "I wouldn't do her if I was you," says Mikey from the bush. "That's our mother!" "I can share with my sons!" The woman said, now only in her bra.
Now it was your turn to hide behind the bushes.
Ignoring her, you and Gerard continue to make love to each other. "Oh Bradley, Bradley!" He moans while you wonder why everyone wants to fuck you all of a sudden.
"Everyone stay wherever the fuck you are!" Bill DeBlasio shouts, "Don't make me eat you all with a fork!"
"Ah what the fuck?!?" Everyone screamed and before you and Gerard could put some clothes on, all of you are running away in terror. You all run into the ocean and are happily greeted by the Mermaid Girl, SpongeBob, Goth Patrick, Pilly, and Trump's corpse.
"Pilly what the fuck?" You question. "I told you to take the body back to the parlor." "Isn't this the parlor," poor Pilly wonders in confusion. "No Pilly, this is the Atlantic Ocean!" "It's fine Brad," Frank spoke up. "That dead bitch's wishes doesn't deserve to be respected anyway."
"OMG MCR!!" Goth Patrick squeaked. "I'm you guys' biggest fans ever! Matt, can we fuck? I have to touch you!" Matt's faces scrunches up and he tried to uncomfortably scooch away, "uhm." "Better you than me," Ray says.
The mermaid girl, whose name is Allison, sexily touches your chest. "Nice to see you again, Senpai." She says sensually. "Back off merlady he's mine," Gerald says protectively over you, and you hold each other. "I had him first lover boy!" Allison clapped back. "Uh guys," Mikey announced before the two could square up. "I think y'all forgot that we can't breathe underwater."
"Oh yea." - Ray
He passes out.
Then so did Mikey. Then Gerard. Then Frank then Matt then Pilly then Mikey's and Gerard's mum. Then so do you.
You wake up in a hospital bed, covered in sweat and very confused how you got there. A nurse comes in. "Holy fuck, why are you here?!?" She asks, alarmed. "What happened?" You question, rubbing your eyes. "Get the fuck out," she yells. "You've been dead for 3 weeks, good and buried. Go back to the cemetery where you belong!" "How will I get there?" You ask. "Take him..." She points to the window. You got up and looked out to see a nig clown with wings.
"WannaplaywithPilly?"
"Oh for fuck's sak-"