LXII
TW- Mental distress, drug addiction.
My dream was horrific. It showed me in great detail the world I was helping to build, surrounded by fire and flames, it licked at my heels as I tried to scramble up an infinite staircase that never ended. I kept going, and going, but still I could not outrun the heat. I must have climbed a mountains worth of broken and uneven steps before I gasped myself awake from the force of Parkinson shaking me.
"Hey, you asked me to wake you up. Sorry if I startled you."
I was covered in a layer of clamminess, my mind foggy and incoherent until the flashing pictures of a hellish nature faded into the neutral surroundings of a guest room. I'd assumed that with adolescence that nightmares would just vanish, although the nightmares I experienced as a child paled in comparison to the ones I'd experienced lately.
It wasn't ghouls and goblins that hid under my bed and in my closet, it was consequences and guilt. "Woah, fuck Pans, I just had the most vivid dream."
"Yeah, looks like it." We both blinked at each other for a few seconds whilst I found my bearings, eventually kicking away the blankets and sitting up to assess the entirety of my existence. I was confused for a good five minutes before I grappled at the idea that I was actually awake now. "You need a shower Malfoy. You look like shit, you smell like shit and people are going to start arriving any time now."
"Oh yeah, the party. Who's coming? And what do we do if we get caught?"
"Well just the usual's, I've said bring a friend or whatever but the normal rules still stand. No mudbloods, halfbloods or squibs. Bring something to contribute and if the charms around the perimeter are disturbed apparate the fuck out of here and take your crap with you. Apart from you, Blaise and Moron that is."
"Very discreet," I humoured sarcastically. "Can I have my wand back now then?"
"No." Her face tightened, a slight scolding saddled in there somewhere. Whoever gets to marry this one is going to be pulling their hair out by a year at best. "Shower, sort yourself out, eat and then you get it back; that was the deal. Don't forget I'm still doing you a favour."
"Ooooh alright, bitchy! Get out then so I can do as I've been so firmly fucking told!"
It wouldn't be very Pansy of her if she didn't shove her middle finger up in front of my face before leaving, so of course that's exactly what I received. That was when I walked over to check on Ulysses to witness him fast asleep face down on the bottom of his cage.
"What the hell are you doing you weird thing?" I asked aloud as I poked him to check he was okay. He was fine, but then it dawned on me. He'd been saddled with Kiki in the owlery for weeks on end and had started copying her strange behaviours. Great, now I have a brain damaged owl too. "Do you know what, you enjoy yourself mate. Live your best life."
Now when I say that the Parkinson's chateau isn't anywhere near as opulent and refined as the Manor, I mean it.
But the frigging bathroom, one of many, was out of this world. No metal appliances in here, only solid gold. The bathtub and shower corner could fit a family of five and there was three sinks, three.
Who needs three sinks? One for brushing your teeth, the other for rinsing and then one spare just in case? Who knows, certainly not me.
Because of the confiscation of my wand I found myself having to rifle through the rucksack for my belongings like a stupid muggle. Getting shoulder deep into the thing before I even felt what I needed all buried in there. But I had clothes, I had stuff for basic personal hygiene, I had what I needed in short.
Then my fingers lingered over a familiar shape that I recognised straight away, a vial of Morphine. With my things set out in order, the vial itself stood centre place.
I knew I shouldn't, knew I didn't need it, but something in the pit of my gut was calling to it. A craving, a longing to feel its warm hug without judgement. The one thing that had gotten me through the last two weeks with its exquisite high and grounding sense of ease, it was seducing me again.
I met my own stare through the mirror ahead of me, Pansy was right. I did look like utter shit, and I did not recognise the person looking right back at me in the slightest. It was like I'm just this made up faction, observing life in third person, like I'm not real. I'm just an idea, the universe observing itself and being disappointed by what its seeing.
The removal of my clothes only further cemented that feeling, faced once again with the scars that had made their home in my skin, the tattoo that I wish to peel away, my body was no longer mine. I did not want it, did not like anything about it, and would definitely never love it again.
And that's why for the sake of shame alone, my lips laced the vial and the slightly bitter flavour spread across my tongue and down my throat. It didn't taste as awful as it used to, now I was getting used to it I sort of rather enjoyed it.
And it was then exactly I was truly fucked, it was that vial that got me hooked and I continued to set fire to my insides almost every day from that moment on right up until my death.
It's right what they say, drug addiction isn't glamorous or quirky. And it almost always sneaks up on you slowly, not realising until you're far too deep to escape it. It eats you alive from the inside out, because the pain you're trying to numb doesn't come from your body, its in your mind.
Pills and potions can't fix a broken soul, but that wouldn't stop me from trying. And I tried, with all of my might I tried, and in the end... the only thing that fixed me was death.
Quickly the high approached amongst the searing steam of the shower as it beat down onto my body. I was in a temporary wonderland, a false one but one nonetheless. It had the water and bubbles soak into my skin with gentleness, washing away every bad feeling I had inside until it slipped down the drain. And once finished, I returned to the mirror a whole different person.
This person was okay with the pain, because for a short while they wouldn't feel it. This person did not care for the guilt and the shame, they simply would just exist and be alright with that. Just a person, empty maybe, but emptiness feels far better than something bad.
Just a person and their Morphine, a person and their drug addiction.
Just a person. Nothing else.
Nothing.
"Draco?" The bathroom door began to rattle, Theodore shouted from the other side. I don't know how long I spent in that mirror, because I simply wasn't aware of my surroundings. But the urgency in Nott's voice had brought me back down to earth, both feet firmly anchored by gravity. "Yeah I'm coming, I'm ready!"
He could barely contain his excitement when I emerged from the bathroom, seems as though people had started to arrive and things were really starting to pick up. He ushered me around, following like a wound up puppy until I threw down my things in my room and took one last swiping glance through another mirror set above a desk. I'd put on nothing special, the same old safe bet. Black trousers, belt, white shirt; no tie though, just two open buttons near the neck.
And I had managed to comb away the curls in my hair before I was found out for that, and my hair dried perfectly in place. Keeping my secret exactly that, quite possibly the biggest secret I would hold because my vanity would not have anyone know that Draco Malfoy's hair curls when it's wet. No fucking chance.
Music was playing as I attempted to navigate myself around the place, its whole set-up was foreign to me and perhaps maybe I had underestimated the size and intracity of it. But after following Theo who could barely say a word for the fact he was shaking with excitement, we eventually stumbled out into a massive open space.
It was insane, almost like a ballroom for royals, a humongous staircase went up and then split into two, balcony's lined the upper walls leading to yet more rooms and the floor was rare Rosewood; lacquered and polished within an inch of its life. Even I was impressed.
"There it is, the fragile creature of despair!" I was waved over by my pack of mongrels, welcomed into the little circle they had made with Daphne and whoever this illusive Ivy Turnapple is. She's in our house but frankly I've never noticed her in my life. Daphne had dragged her sister Astoria amongst a few others, and more were yet to arrive. "Yeah thanks, love you too. Where's my wand?"
"Ah-ah," Pansy wagged her finger at me, turning to pick up something that looked like it had been coughed up by her cat and held it to my mouth. "Eat this then you get your wand."
I still to this day have no fucking clue what she plucked off that platter, I only let her shove it in my gob out of the need to have my wand back. It didn't taste good and it didn't taste bad either, it just tasted, if that makes sense. And the relief that washed over me at the feel of my wand curling back into my fist was incomparable.
Although admittedly, when someone said that there was water-wine, I forgot that I was even at Miss Parkinson's mercy. It's a shame Lovegood couldn't or wouldn't be here, she loves water-wine.
It tasted exactly how I remember it, just like water but when it hits your stomach you know damn well it isn't water. It's such a satisfying type of burn, one that lets you know you're about to get fucked up on an astronomical level; mixed with a little opiates, it makes for a destructive cocktail.
Things were pleasant for a while, everyone looked good. Small talk and greetings, it was nice to see everyone from school with a few other strangers just loitering around. I was under the impression that I wouldn't be seeing any of these people again.
An hour passed by faster than I could recognise, then the feeling came, the legal poison flooded my veins beautifully. The ambient lighting of the enchanted ceiling blanketed the place in a moon-ish glow, things felt almost surreal for a better phrasing.
I caught sight of a few people leant over a table, one by one throwing their heads back and pinching their noses to wince immediately after. That was my cue to enter, bold as brass. "Give me some of that then."
In a nasally half-garbled sentence Daphne Greengrass asked me if I'd ever taken coke before. I lied, nodding and holding out my palm. "Loads of times, I practically invented the fucking thing. Gimme some."
Ivy Turnapple slinked up with a strange tiny glass vial and turned my hand over palm down, only when she emptied some white powder on to the back of my hand did I truly realise I'd never seen it before and sure as hell didn't know how I was supposed to take it.
"Lift it to your face," she smirked up at me with dazzling green eyes that could rival an emerald, guiding it up for me. "Then just suck, really deeply... with your nose that is. Wouldn't want you getting your thoughts mixed up would we?"
It was a fairly straight forward instruction, and I managed to do it without making a complete arse of myself. But Ivy's little sham, twirling her Brunette locks behind her ear and batting her eyelashes did not go as she had intended. So it was no surprise that me knocking her back so bluntly had the desired effect.
"Definitely not," I smiled, tilting my head to mock her. "My girlfriend is fantastic at sucking deeply. Dare I say she could probably do a line twice the size of the one you just poured me, I'm sure you know what I mean."
Poor miss Turnapple turned as brightly red as an apple, she certainly lived up to her namesake.
"Thanks hun," I smiled again, so she just slinked away with her tail between her legs. Having Pansy, Theo and Daph break down into wheezing hysterics. "Draco! That was fucking brutal! Oh my Merlin, yeah he's definitely himself again. I'm dying!"
Like I told you many, many chapters ago, Slytherins just love the drama and my lot are at the top of the food chain; rightly so may I add. The altercation hadn't gone unnoticed however, and now several pair of eyes were on me even amongst the swaying bodies. It was one pair in particular that remained on me for the next thirty minutes, eventually watching me ascend the staircase to look down at the whole soiree beneath me.
It was the same pair that were on me at every opportunity for the last two years, Astoria Greengrass. The one and only little sister to Daphne, prettier yes, but nowhere near as loud and boisterous as her elder; which is why a lot of the time she does actually go unnoticed.
Only making it easier for her to quietly break away from the crowd and follow me up, arriving beside me silently as I daren't avert my gaze from Theodore who was falling everywhere trying to do the funky chicken dance. It was entertainment at its finest, and for free.
The crowd spread out allowing him to take centre stage, a few people even joined in. Cocaine didn't do much for me I must admit, I had a brief sense of euphoria but apart from that nothing. Not the same could be said for everyone else though, it had certainly made things ten times more interesting.
"He really is the gift that keeps on giving isn't he?" Astoria muttered with a slight giggle, arriving directly beside me to also bask in the glory. "Yeah, he's the best of us. I don't think he'll ever live life not giving his best effort to enjoy it."
"That was strangely introspective of you Malfoy." Neither of us turned to lock eyes, just slouched forward at the lip of the balcony. "I think you're changing."
"Oh yeah? And what exactly makes you say that?" I took another glug of my drink, barely interested in making conversation at all. "Well you seem a bit more mature, certainly compared to the time when we-"
Astoria stalled, sucking in a sharp breath. I flirted with her a bit last year, absolutely nothing else though. Maybe she didn't see it as just some harmless flirting but back then, I'd do it just for fun with no interest in seeing where it went. It was just male bravado, nothing but.
"Come on now, I thought we were passed that. I'm best mates with your sister."
"Yeah, I'll always be in her shadow I think. Truthfully I don't know how she's so liked, my family thinks she's a disappointment."
I brushed that comment off as silly sibling rivalry, I wouldn't know anything about that but that's exactly the type of shit I'd imagine saying about a brother or sister if I had one. "You could learn a lot from her Astoria, she's dragged me out of the dirt more times than I could count."
Maybe I am getting more mature with age, I couldn't believe that came out of my mouth in the first place. "Don't you have someone down there to go and be with?"
"No. I'm here with you." Her soft voice didn't do much to invoke anything in me, not so much as a gesture. "I'd much rather this than being tripped over and shoved down there."
I had no choice but to glance over at her as her hand came over to rest on top of mine, and she just smiled, it was an expectant smile; one that I was clearly oblivious to. "Careful, people might think you're trying to flirt with me again."
"I am," she said, softer again. My eyebrows furrowed in confusion for a moment as I considered her words, still they didn't sink in properly, and I just sort of laughed it off. It wouldn't stop Astoria stepping forward and pulling my neck down to kiss me. It caught me off guard, so much so that I didn't pull away at first and then it struck me. "I'm with someone Tori, what are you doing?"
"I know," she whispered, eyes still burning into mine. "But she's not right for you, I can be right for you. I can be her, I can be even better than her. Just let me--"
Again she rose on her toes and proceeded to lock her lips to mine, foolishly I allowed it again. Her mouth was indeed warm and inviting, her fingertips tickled at the nape of my neck but I would not move to put my hands on any part of her, and when she retreated that expectant look was on her face again. "See? I was better wasn't I?"
I felt my dream-like stare drop down to a colder expression. And in hindsight maybe I was a little harsh but I found myself unable to contain what I said regardless. "No. You didn't even come close."
The naivety dwindled from her in a mist, disappointment and scorn filled the space now instead. Yet still, I continued, because I'm just hardwired to be a bit of a cunt.
"You know what, there's a reason nobody notices you but adores your sister. You see, every single time you open your mouth to speak I lose a few more brain cells, because you are so agonisingly plain and boring. The fact that you thought any of what you just did would work is a prime example of how incurably stupid you are too. And if I'm going to be one hundred percent honest... after being with her, y/n, the likes of you just fucking repulse me; in fact I can taste a little sick in my mouth right now. So humble yourself, Greengrass."
Just as I had never had me down as someone who dated, nor someone who would fall in love, I absolutely wouldn't have bet on me being faithful or loyal; yet here I was. Y/n really sucked the fucking Slytherin right out of me, literally.
It was at the precise moment she swiped my pointed finger away from the space between us to almost burst into tears, that there was an almighty crashing of glass and several shouting voices. Zabini had launched himself toward somebody and a brawl had broken out, the first, last and only time I'd seen Blaise raise a hand to anyone. So I knew it was bad.
"Blaise, stop!!" I shoved past Greengrass, and booked it down the stairs as fast as I could but by then it was already a fully fledged fist fight. Zabini was enraged, to the point it was scary; yet I charged in blindly. "Blaise wait, wait, stop it, Blaise!"
HMPH!