LXIII
An unidentified elbow made impact with my face, not on purpose but it was more than enough to put me down to the floor in a daze. For a good few seconds my vision was blurry and my ears rang at a high frequency that muffled my surroundings.
Luckily I was yanked to my feet by someone standing by, and I returned to the carnage. Blaise was caught up in a mob, as was the guy who he had a hold of; they were both shouting like maniacs and fumbling for their wands. Not even the sounds of screams from onlookers and demands from the people trying to break them up could drown out the threats they were making to each other.
"Blaise, leave it mate, Blaise!" Managing to hook both arms under Zabini's from behind I pulled him back several paces, as did a friend of his rival, tearing the pair away from each other long enough to demand to know what had caused all of this chaos. "We're supposed to be having a laugh, what the fuck is going on?!"
"Him!" Blaise scorned, before trying to struggle out of my hold. "Why don't you repeat what I just heard you say hm?!"
The other lad who was unfamiliar to me sneered, having his already ugly face twist up even more. It was clear that he was a nasty piece of work from the unsettling look of unjustified hate in his eyes. "I only wanted to know why you had dirty faggots here at the party!"
At first what he had muttered didn't register. I wasn't even aware that the word carried any meaning, I'd simply not heard it before since its apparently a very muggle term. Quite a few others were just as confused as me, including Theodore; that was until the boy pointed at him. "The likes of him deserve to be burnt at the stake like our ancestors, clearly the muggles didn't do a good enough job the first time around."
Still Theo and I were confused, taking a swiping glance over the crowd until Blaise almost growled in the most unsettling tone I'd ever heard. "He's talking about Theo's sexuality Draco, and Pans if you wanna get technical about it, so let me fucking go."
Common sense prevailed and I realised that it was akin to calling someone mudblood but for gays. And frankly, I had no second thoughts nor regrets for just releasing Blaise and allowing him to spear forward and plant the most amazing headbutt on to the guy; sending him back and through the crowd before grabbing his wand and cursing him to the high heavens before anyone else had the chance to step in. He deserved it.
"Why did you let him go you fucking idiot?!" Pansy seethed. I just shrugged and played dumb. "It was justified."
More screams erupted, a few excited chants but this could not be allowed to continue on any further. Blaise had his fill, now it was just unnecessary anarchy so on a prompt I wrestled him back once more. "Come on mate, you're coming with me."
It took quite the effort to steer him away, not helped by the fact he'd had perhaps one drink too many which undoubtedly contributed to his reluctance for peace. And I only just managed to get him into a separate room and charm the door so that he couldn't charge back out to finish what was started. Anger radiated from him like a poisonous gas, his fists clenched and chest heaved. He didn't seem like Blaise in the slightest.
"Mate, calm down. It's sorted, they'll leave and we'll just carry on like nothing happened." My words were not received with enthusiasm as he continued to pace back and forth, shaking his head like he had a thought inside it that he wanted to rid immediately. "Blaise, are you listening to me?!"
"No, I'm not fucking listening to you. Just let me out!"
"Uh who the hell do you think you're talking to like that? Are you still pissed off with me or something because no offence Zabini but you're acting like a complete reprobate."
His eyes darted to mine, and I just know that deep down inside he considered giving me a good whack too, but he restrained himself; he's always been far better at that than I have. Something was going on much deeper though, I could sense it in his voice, in his gait, I recognised it because I had become the master of hiding my real intentions and emotions.
I took a leap of faith and steadied him by both arms, hoping not to get punched, it halted his pacing immediately but he still would not make eye contact. "Blaise, you are fucking scaring me mate. Seriously."
"Good," He said in all but a whisper. "At least then it won't be just me."
When he finally made eye contact I saw a slight falter, his outburst was justified of course but it had clearly been the final straw of many, and that had culminated into the wild thrashing we had all had the misfortune of witnessing.
"What else is going on Zabini? Because I know damn well on any other normal day, you would of shut down a fight like that. That isn't the first or last time someone's said something stupid like that about Theo, and he can hold his own; you forget that the boy literally hexed a fucking teacher for confiscating his cheese bites because he was eating them whilst everyone else was worried about not trying to blow the castle up in potions."
"Something bad is coming, something really bad. And I don't think I can tell anyone. At first, I thought that you knew something was wrong too; and honestly I just kind of wanted to not be the only one."
A little bit of bile crawled up my throat, without a doubt I knew exactly what he was talking about. I knew what something bad is, I'm a part of it. "But," he continued. "Clearly I'm mistaken and now I feel ten times worse."
Merlin on a bike, no wonder he'd been baiting me into admitting what I was doing, and somehow I had managed to hold out long enough for him to just believe that he was going crazy. It's a good thing, but fuck did I feel bad about it. "What do you mean something bad is coming?"
"Swear to me that you won't breathe a word of this."
"I swear, I'll do an unbreakable vow if you want?" Zabini rolled his eyes, okay we get it, I'm the over dramatic one. And he took a seat in what seemed to be an unused office space now we had time to pay attention. The little table had a few stools around it, so that is where we saddled ourselves. "Shut up Malfoy, you're always so fucking theatrical."
My face dropped like a puppet that'd had its strings cut, but I did not bite back. I simply waited for him to build himself up to whatever he was about to share with me in confidence. "Some people came to my house, at half term. And those people had a proposition."
I already didn't like where this was going, because if it's the people I'm thinking of then this is about to be diabolical. "Then, those people came back at Christmas too. But this time the proposition was off the table. This time it was an ultimatum."
Words weren't coming easy to Blaise, his one leg bouncing and jerking in a subconscious attempt to self soothe and his chin pressed down to his chest so that he'd not have to look me in the eye. "And I chose to keep my mother safe, because the ultimatum was do what they ask of me or both of us would be sorry."
"Is that why you're here for summer? Where's your mum though?"
"Yeah," he nodded. "She's gone to stay with my aunt. I was meant to go too but it wasn't safe because it would be easier for them to find me so running away wasn't really an option."
In that precise moment, my stomach hit the floor. Now I was fidgeting with nerves too as he lifted his face to meet my gaze again, no amount of alcohol could prepare someone enough for this kind of situation.
"I'm so angry because now I'm neck deep into something I can no longer hide from. That's why I lost my shit, and that's why I was hoping that you won't shun me because with no offence at all, your father's got form for this kind of stuff too."
His hand rode the sleeve up from his wrist, causing my eyes to widen in utter shock and peril at the identical mark that now lay against the skin of my best friend too. It was deformed and thickened, a blade had been taken to it but its not as easy as that to get rid of; although it obviously hadn't stopped him from trying.
I felt a whole range of things, but the one that stood out the most was that I felt validated because the shame I saw in my own expression when I looked in the mirror was now engrained into his. I wasn't making up these feelings in my own head, it really is just that bad.
"Self preservation, every time. That's what you told me at the start of the year."
"That was until preserving the life of someone I care about became more of a priority." Probably not the right time to softly smile to myself and zone out, but it was yet more validation. Because that is the exact same reason why I do what I do. "Well, I can't conjure anything to make you feel better about it. But I can certainly show you something."
Zabini's face narrowed, a little confused by my riddle. It's going to hit him like a steel rod through the chest when he realises he was right all along. I mirrored his action, revealing our matching tattoo's, every best friends dream right? Not this time.
"I have priorities over myself too. Besides I was born for this life, as much as I don't want it, it's unfortunately just in my DNA."
Zabini's face softened slightly, not entirely but enough to signal that he accepts and believes that I truly do have my reasons for why I don't have a choice either. But now we were at a conundrum, we're two death eaters, surrounded by loved ones that neither know of it nor would accept it. And although Blaise hadn't yet been called upon to conduct anything insidious, his time would surely come and we would likely be sat opposite each other at the table from which our orders will be given to us. By the same dark entity, destined for the same fate.
Although as fate would have it, one half of our conundrum was about to be solved for us as the charm on the door had been disarmed with no effort by Daphne who entered jovially, just wanting us to return to the fun now the dickheads had been removed.
It would have been less disgraceful for her to have stumbled upon both Blaise and I with our trousers at our ankles sucking each other off, but instead it was us both with a dark mark on show for anyone's eyes to happen upon. She halted, staring at us in disgust. Then Parkinson rushed on in almost knocking Greengrass clean over, followed promptly by Nott.
"Heeeey, what's going on in here then are we missing anything good? Are you chill enough to come back out?"
Silence cut through the air as now it was three pairs of puzzled eyes on us.
The betrayal was painted across their faces, even Pansy, who was under the impression it was only me that had made a one-off massive mistake. But now it just seemed like we had been conspiring together all along, and that was too much, she didn't sign up for that.
"Guys, it's not what it must seem like and we can explain."
Zabini was too petrified to even attempt to reason with the group, remaining silent without words. It was clear, we would no longer be a part of this friendship group.
"That is so fucked up and twisted," Theo muttered. Daph agreed. "Fucking vile. Clearly the Malfoy apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Daddy's little prodigy."
Ouch.
"Get out," Parkinson stated bluntly. "Get out of this room, and get the fuck out of my house. Both of you."
"Pans? I can't just-"
"Just get out Blaise. And you Draco, don't ever come to me for help again. You lied to me."
"Pans I didn't know about Blaise."
Her mind was made up, and neither Daphne nor Theodore were trying to get her to consider changing her mind; if anything they were more than in agreeance. No doubt me she could of kind of expected it from, but from Zabini?
It was a plot twist that nobody could have predicted. But its always the quiet ones that hide it the best. And if that guy hadn't of said what he had said, and had alcohol and drugs not been involved, then Blaise may have managed to get by a whole lot longer without anyone at all finding out.
But nobody should have to live with that to themselves, a lesson I had learned far more brutally.
"Okay, if that's what you want. It's clear I was mistaken about what you meant when you said you'd help me Parkinson. I'll grab my stuff and get out of your hair." I stood and brushed past, stopping at the door to glance back at Blaise who seemed ten times more distraught than me. "Have a nice life guys, thanks for the last six years."
I felt the love and loyalty leave the room the very moment they all figured it out. But the scariest part about it all, is that it didn't hurt like I thought it would. If anything it was a relief, because it was another albeit the last thing that truly validated me.
And no practicing in the mirror was going to change the fact that I'm nothing but an empty, cursed, poisonous smile. Everyone has their limit, and we had just found theirs.
I learned a pretty harsh lesson that day about self-preservation, it absolutely does include cutting me off.