LX
One of the last things I'd have expected was visitors, especially after my blow-out before I scuttled away from the castle post killing Dumbledore. I had not only been foul-mouthed and hateful towards the people that had done absolutely nothing to deserve it, but I'd also inadvertently put their lives on the line too just by being affiliated with the dark army.
It was a stupid sentiment to have ever believed for a single second that they wouldn't be used against me, even now it seems I still underestimate Voldemort's willingness to stoop lower than the depths of hell just for the kick of it.
I hadn't slept a wink overnight, just remaining slumped at the foot of the bed drinking and contemplating on disappearing abroad without a trace. I'd have no connections, no money and nowhere to go but at least I could struggle in peace and without a full audience to witness it.
Even Pansy herself seemed a little unsure about being here, so when I opened my bedroom door to her standing there I sort of froze before blinking my eyes just to make sure I wasn't going mental. "Pans? You okay?" I asked sarcastically, the Parkinson's do come by sometimes but she wasn't here with her family. "I wasn't expecting you?"
"Yeah I know, your mum wrote and asked me to come over. I got the letter first thing this morning so I ate, dressed and apparated here as soon as possible."
"My mum?"
"Yes your mum, so can I come into your room or are you just going to stand there swaying and stinking of alcohol?" Opening the door fully, she strode right on in without a care in the world before plonking herself down at the end of the bed. I returned to the cesspit on the floor up against the chaise longue. "What's happened to you Draco?"
How lovely it would be to be able to describe it in a logical way, but I could not without risking everything. I couldn't even continue to lie and say that nothing was going on anymore because it had passed the threshold of being believable. It wouldn't stop me trying though.
"Nothing, I'm fine." The fake smile I had been practicing in the mirror spread across my face, even with the bottom half of my face covered with the opening of a sleeve and my hood up making me look so small and vulnerable, but it was like a safety blanket. "I'm sorry that I snapped at you but it was just a bad mood."
"All of this just a bad mood as well then?" She gestured to the half empty wine bottles dotted all around, not even taking notice of the small bottles of morphine; as if just the alcohol wasn't concerning enough. It was apparent on me that I'd been on a binge.
My skin was paler, eyes empty and hooded, the backs of my hands covered in scratches from myself. "Because I have bad moods nearly every day, but I don't wind up confined to the floor and a few more drinks away from puking out my own liver."
"Good for you Pans, I'm glad you're able to regulate yourself like that but clearly I'm still learning."
She fussed with the loose hair around her shoulders, pinning it up before sliding down to join me cross legged on the floor. Bringing herself down to my level so that it didn't feel so much like an ambush. "Just tell me?" She begged desperately. "Everyone is so worried about you."
"I can't," I whispered back, lazily nodding my head and turning to the next drink in hand. "So you don't have to waste your time caring about it, you're off the hook, all of you. You don't have to put up with me anymore so here is your free pass out."
"Is that truly what you want? Because fuck, I'm no expert in having friends and I won't pretend to be but I do know that you are my friend and I care, and the others feel the same way. Blaise is gutted that you've fallen out. So just tell me what's wrong and we can at least try to fix it."
I sensed the urgency in her voice, she was hurting. So was I, but for an entirely different reason. What I really wanted to say out loud is that it's hard for me to communicate how I feel because I don't understand it. And I need someone to be patient with me enough to understand my silence, but what came out was something far more complicated.
"I just get this feeling sort of like even though I could be laid in bed, dry, warm and comfortable. I always feel.. Well I always feel like I'm stood out in the rain, cold, confused and by myself. Does that make sense?"
"Yeah I suppose, I can imagine that. But you're not alone or by yourself. You've got us, and what about y/n?"
"Yeah what about her?"
A cheeky and inquisitive smirk graced Pansy's face as she brought her knees up into a hug at her chest. "So what's it like then? You know, being in love."
"Excuse me who even mentioned being in love? I'm not in love, love is for old married couples."
"You are in love Draco, everybody can tell so stop being a prick and just tell me what it's like so I'll know for sure when it happens to me."
Through my hazy drunken and drug fuelled rampage, Parkinson had managed to talk me down to a level where I actually felt I was able to untense my shoulders, and forget about the faces of the people I had murdered. Who would of foreseen that the same girl who drove me and the other boys fucking nuts by being annoying for years would be the same one I'd be spilling my heart out too.
But now I had to verbalise my feelings, string together emotions with words that somebody else can understand beyond just what I feel.
"Love? Love is painful, agony even. It's a drug stronger than anything you can get your hands on here in this mortal life, so you try it a few times thinking you won't get hooked, and maybe sometimes you don't, but when you find just the right dose of that drug you like so much it'll ruin you. You keep chasing the high, the sting, the burn, the fucking euphoria. You'd steal, lie, sometimes kill for it and when you have moments of clarity that tell you to just give it up, she'll look at you a certain way or say something that makes your pulse race, and just like that you're back to craving, chasing, dying for it. Because it'll make you feel the best you've ever felt, and when you don't have it the worst. Love is dangerous, and the sick part? It's free. That's why everyone's an addict."
Pansy was hanging on my every word, completely mesmerised and enchanted as most girls are at the thought of the perfect love. It's what they search for in novels and sonnets so they can picture themselves as the main character, but this was no novel nor sonnet; this was my reality, except novels usually finish with a happy ending whereas that just wasn't going to happen for me.
"Sometimes, it can also be overwhelming and make you take notice that you're drowning but there is an unspoken understanding that you are both drowning in this together, because you're both symbiotic in this addiction, you enable each other, no question. And if you pick the right person to drown with, it'll be the most beautiful way to die."
There was a brief silence as my vision focused out to a stare before coming back in again and turning to Pansy. Reluctantly I slowly tugged up the sleeve of my hoodie, revealing the mark in all its sick glory. I needed someone to be angry with me for it, just to validate my own feelings toward myself. "And she was wrong, picking me, because I'm just bad history repeating itself."
A hand flew to her mouth with a saddened gasp, it seemed that out of all the bad suspicions she had, me being a death eater wasn't even really one of them. I'm sure she would of thought I was gay, going broke or terminally ill before this would of made it on to her list. "Draco..."
As soon as my name left her mouth I slumped into her, tired and at my limit. I fell apart, sobbing with raw vitriol as Parkinson comforted without question. "It's okay... It's okay."
Neither of us were convinced that it was okay though or that it ever would be but right now, one of my best friend's being here when I gave in and broke down entirely was exactly what I needed even if I didn't believe it. It felt as though I was choking on my own tongue as I heaved in and out searching for a full breath, my voice muffled by the thick cotton of her jumper.
"I don't know what to do, it's all my fault. They're making me kill people, and I wish I could take it all back Pans. I need help and I don't know where to find it. I'm so scared," I cried, shoulders bouncing with every deeper sob. "I'm just so scared."
"How can we help you?" Her whisper was laced with genuine terror, and her arm trembled even as it remained around me. I could bury my face into her shoulder forever but it still wouldn't hide me from the very real situation I was in. "I don't know. I'm so tired. I'm so fucking tired Pans."
After a few minutes of silent consolation I was able to pull myself away revealing my bloodshot eyes and stuffy nose, feeling pathetic about crying yet again. "Does anyone else know about this?" She asked, bringing some seriousness into the conversation. "No, just the ones who gave it to me. And my parents."
"Okay, look here's what's going to happen.. You're going to get up, you're going to pack up some things and you are coming to mine until we can make a plan to get you out of all of this. But, Theo and Blaise are both there for the summer; you cannot tell them. Do you understand?"
"I don't know if I can just up and leave, I don't know if my parents are going to okay that and if I'm called on then I have to go. The dark lord will slaughter us all no question."
"Well with respect, I do not give a singular fuck what your parents think at this very minute. Your mum asked me to come and try to help you. So that's what I'm fucking doing alright? Get your shit together Malfoy, you are getting away from this place even if it's for a few days."
She had already jumped up to begin roaming around and shoving some of my shit into a manipulated rucksack, and I wasn't going to even try to stop her as she fumed. That was when my mother appeared, searching me out to check how everything was. "What's going on here?"
"I'm going to the Parkinson's for a bit, to get my head together. If I stay here another night then I'm going to lose my mind." Pansy didn't even turn to argue it, just continuing to pack as my mother tousled her cloak in confusion. "I've told her, mother. I'm sorry."
"I see. Well I can't stop you," she sighed. "Nor do I think I'd want to. But it's only for a couple days isn't it?"
I think my mum had a horrible feeling deep down that this could all go tits up and I'd never come home, but even so, I'd still not be free because I would then just become another target to hunt. Realistically it didn't really matter what I did, I was going to feel like shit about it either way. "I promise it's not for long. It's summer anyways and the others are staying there too."
"Okay darling, if that's what you need." No denying she looked a little sad about it especially now she'd noticed the scattered bottles, but all my mother wants is for me to be able to just go back to being young and carefree; and she wasn't about to stand between me and something that would undoubtedly help. "Just write to me. So I know that you're okay?"
"I will."
"He'll be safe with us Mrs Malfoy," Parkinson concurred, daring to let my mother know exactly how she felt about all of this. "Safer than he is here anyhow."
Through sheer guilt alone mother didn't even respond, just nodded her head to leave, no doubt pushing back the tears until she was by herself. So Pansy and I both left the Manor right away for the Parkinson residence. Frankly, I'd never stayed there before since it was usually mine where we would all come at summer and I had to make amends with everybody.
Because whether I like it or not, they are my friends and they refuse to let me suffocate. And that is exactly why I love them, even if they are awful horrible twats to everyone else.