XLVII
A small gathering of people congregated in the great hall that night for dinner, a few student's including y/n, a few teachers and some other kin from Hogsmeade.
And me. At the end of the table. By myself. Invisible.
This is by far the loneliest encounter I've had to endure, not the memorial, none of that. Just the wonderful simplicity of how things used to be but on a smaller scale. There was warm conversation, warm food and warm smiles. Laughs, jokes and reminiscing.
Everyone and everything is healing without me, and it makes me grieve for something that still exists, the only problem being is that I don't. And I think that's okay, because I think that's a part of the punishment too.
It was only when a joke was made about something I didn't understand did I finally smile. Because y/n bellowed out in enormous snorting laughter, those two little baby teeth showing out and a flushed pinky glow crawling over her cheeks. That was until the confusion panged in my hollow stomach, because what if she learns to live without me?
What if one day she laughs so often that she doesn't even think about me anymore?
I'd be happy, but at the cost of also having to be completely broken by that happiness.
After a short while McGonagall stood, tapping her wand on to her goblet to call everyone's attention on to her. "So, since I have a handful of people here I've got a little bit of good news to share with you."
It was smiles all round, especially for y/n and the two friends she had either side of her.
"Seems as though reparations are almost complete here at Hogwarts, we are going to be opening up our doors once more in the autumn. We shall likely start by inviting those who wish to return back to complete their eighth year, and then phase other students in over the next few months leading up to Christmas so everyone has ample time to adapt."
It was quiet at first, I don't think anyone was sure how to respond. We all knew this day would come but to say anybody was prepared for it would be a gross misrepresentation. But the nodding heads and whispers of excitement surely did come.
That was when my eyes fell to the spot that me and my friends would sit, at our house table, just being absolute moron's. I'd not ever imagined that they'd have to sit there without me, but now there was a real possibility of that if they do decide to return.
The head table would be lined with brand new teachers that nobody knew, and once the eighth year is out then nobody I know will be here anymore but I'll be stuck and left behind to remain within these walls; wandering aimlessly.
Will Pansy and Theo still be Pansy and Theo? Or will Blaise even utter my name? Will I receive an honorary graduate with the rest of my year or am I destined to remain without achievement.
"I do however have a little question for Miss Selwyn," McGonagall continued, the encounter with the ministry officials would remain undisclosed for now. So y/n straightened up to listen closer.
"The only thing left to be orgasnised back to functioning capacity is the greenhouse, and I, well we.. were wondering if you would like the honour along with Mr Longbottom who has agreed to return of bringing it back to life again ready for the new budding Herbology students to utilise to it's full potential?"
"Yes!" She blurted out, hardly giving the head teacher a chance to finish her sentence. And for the first time since the war I saw the twinkle in her eye again. And it terrified me, perhaps even more so than finding out that she very well may die young too. "When can I start? Tomorrow, next week?"
"Okay, okay calm down." Minerva had a playful chuckle to her tone as she hushed her down gently with her hands. "It depends on Mr Longbottom's date of return but it will likely be sooner rather than later."
"Fuck yeah! Ooop sorry, sorry."
Yep, there she is. The real her.
She wasn't gone, just resting.
"My next question is for Mr Dumbledore, how does a position in defence against the dark arts sound?"
"Me?" Aberforth queried, slightly surprised but evidently flattered. "Well I think anyone able to stave off an entire hoard of dementors in one shot is perfectly adequate for such a role."
He searched the hall to be met with happy nodding faces, before turning back to eagerly accept. I can't take this anymore, I can't hack seeing people getting their life back and I know it's selfish, I know it is but it creates a nausea that I just can't ignore.
I left in a hurry, with what I can only describe as a ghostly migraine beginning to work its way into my skull. There was only one person who was going to be able to tell me what its like to have people go on without you whilst you just sit back and watch.
Myrtle.
So many nights I spent alone in the bathrooms with only Myrtle to talk to. We had developed a rather unlikely and secret friendship. She really is quite alright when she isn't being insufferable horny or strange.
She listened when nobody else would.
That is what brought me back here after all this time, and at first it was silent with only the sounds of taps dripping. So much so I almost turned around and left, that was until a faint gurgle came from one of the stalls right at the end followed by a shallow weeping sound.
"Myrtle?" I called out, taking weary steps toward the noises. Truthfully this bathroom has always sort of creeped me out because nobody comes in here. "Myrtle! You in here?"
"What do you want?" She sniffled as I arrived at the open stall where she was slumped. "What's the matter with you?"
I only received a sneer back, and a little side-eye. "I don't want to talk to you, you're completely awful."
"Yeah I am aware," I sighed, crouching down to join her eyeline. "But I'm the only one here aren't I? So what's the matter hm?"
"Like you care."
"As I just said.. I'm the only one here aren't I and the only one asking."
"And why is that?" Myrtle snapped her head back toward me. It was no surprise that she too despised what I had caused, but there was still an understanding between us both, the same one we shared many nights. "Well you were there for me, and I'm not exactly busy."
Finally a small smirk tickle the corners of her mouth, the girl does have a pretty good sense of humour when she isn't wailing and wallowing. "Yeah I can tell. Fun isn't? Being dead?"
I settled down against the stall wall, nodding sarcastically. "Brilliant, don't know why I didn't catch on a lot sooner. I-"
I sort of stopped mid-sentence when I realised what I'd said as a joke was actually pretty fucking dark considering I almost did do it at least once. And not to mention the fact that Myrtle was literally murdered so didn't get a choice. "Sorry, bit insensitive?"
"Just a bit yeah," Myrtle replied in a more sombre tone than usual, rubbing her nose with her sleeve. "I don't even know why I'm upset I just am."
Okay so that happens to literally all girls then, even dead ones, hm. Interesting.
"Anything I can do to help?"
No, she nodded. "No, it'll pass. What about you? You've not been in here since everything you know..."
"Yeah I know, I've just had loads of ghosty shit to do. You know looking over loved ones and stuff."
Myrtle's face narrowed with sarcasm. "You literally don't have to. That isn't what the afterlife is about you know."
No, I didn't know still. But if anyone can tell me then it's this girl right here.
"Well that's why I'm here, I need you to impart some of your wisdom on me one more time. Because quite frankly I have no fucking clue what I'm doing. Dumbledore sort of helped briefly but even that's dwindling and now I'm starting to panic because time keeps passing quicker and quicker in the living world and I just need it to slow down."
"Well it doesn't work like that Malfoy."
"So how does it work then? Because I'm scared, I don't know what the next step is for me.."
She cradled her face between her hands with a sympathetic gaze, only accompanied by the more irritating sounds of water dripping, and echoing creaking of pipes every now and then. "You'll know when it's your time to move on, and it'll come quick and suddenly, just sneak up on you when you aren't expecting it. And then you just go through the door."
"A door?" I scoffed. "Bit clichΓ©? That's like something someone would write into a really cringey fantasy romance novel!"
"Well they only know to write about it because they've had someone dead tell them about it. ClichΓ© or not, you don't get to make the rules anymore. It's death's say so now."
"So why haven't you gone through the door yet then? And where does it lead to?"
"Because I'm just not ready, I think. As for where it goes well I have no idea Malfoy."
It brought no comfort at all, knowing that what waits for me in another dimension or life or nothingness could very well just be nothingness. The only proof that I ever lived at all being the memories of me that will too die with my loved ones. Just like there was nothing before us there will be nothing after us, and the thought alone is too jarring for the human brain to contemplate.
"So like, if the door turns up and I don't go through it. Will it always be there? Or if I don't will I get stuck here forever?"
"No, it doesn't stay there. So it's a big decision to make."
"Shit."
"Yup." Well that changes things, that actually changes things a lot. "Myrtle, I know this is a big ask but could you do me a favour? Like a really big favour?"
She was dubious of my request, but gave a curt nod all the same in agreement. "Would you come with me and relay some messages? Like an interpreter or whatever they're called."
"Um, why?" She recoiled, looking less eager now. I was trying to cheat the natural order of things but right about now I'd try literally anything to be able to speak to y/n. "Because the love of my life needs me. And I'm not giving up on her because it's the easy way out. We're going to have a kid together soon."
"How the fuck does that work?!" Myrtle queried with a disturbed look on her face. "We made it before I died stupid, get that look off your face. Don't be so weird. Hang on-- would that even be possible? In theory?"
"I don't know, can't say I've ever tried." Now that was a surprise to me, it's no secret that the girl is notoriously flirty and the rest of it. She's not ever really tried it on with me though thank god. Well until now at least. With a playful bounce of her eyebrows she confidently exclaimed, "I see no reason why ghost's can't do the jig with each other though."
"Bore off Warren, never gonna happen and you know it."
"I know, I was just joking. Right where do we go then?" She continued, standing up and ushering me away from the stall. "So you're gonna help me? Even if it pisses off the other spirits?"
"They don't even acknowledge me so why would I care what they have to think? Come on, but I'm helping you just this once alright?"
"Yes, of course. Thanks Warren."
I can't believe it, I'm going to be able to actually say some words to y/n that she can hear and understand. Not in my own voice of course, through Myrtle's but by Merlin, this was the breakthrough that I needed more than anything.
I suppose you do end up finding friends in the most unlikely of places. At the most unlikely of times.