XLV
I refused to leave my dorm for almost a week. Blaise would come in to sleep and then leave the second he opened his eyes. Nobody wanted anything to do with me and that was understandable, they were waiting for an apology or something that would solidify their reasons to cut all ties with me, and I was working on it.
Work arrived for me from Snape, but I swept it all aside. I couldn't pinpoint if it was out of pure defiance or just deep seated guilt. Either way, he didn't force me to leave the dorms or common rooms for lessons. I'd come to find out that he had excused my absences by marking me as present, and when that wasn't good enough, he would simply complete my assignments for me.
Not quite to the level of accuracy that I would of but nonetheless, it was done.
And looking back at it now in hindsight, the depression that I fell into almost immediately was so alienating and profound that I really felt like I was relieved that the day had finally come for me to murder Dumbledore and face my fate. Because there was every chance that I could be killed by him or fail and have the Dark Lord kill me instead.
It had gotten that bad, and that's why the type of depression I had fallen victim to was so dangerous. Because nobody could see it and nobody could prevent it.
At that point in my life I wanted the ground to swallow me whole, truly I did. If only I didn't have something to live for on the day that I actually died, maybe then it wouldn't of been so destructive.
But, I went ahead with my plans because to me at that time, it seemed like a noble suicide more than a task.
I refused to allow myself the courtesy to think about y/n at all, tricking myself into believing that she had never existed in the first place. She was just a really nice dream I'd had, nothing more.
And tonight was just going to be a really, really horrible nightmare.
At least that's what I continued to tell myself as I braced in a stand-off with my own headteacher. Wand outstretched and my sleeve tugged upwards to reveal the cursed ink that had burrowed itself into my flesh and driven me to the brink of no return.
"I can help you Draco. All you have to do is lower your wand and leave."
"I don't need your help, I don't need anyone's help-- I always wind up getting fucked over in the end no matter what. So I have to kill you, that's just the way it is."
Dumbledore didn't seem particularly desperate to live, not half as desperate as me at least. Each barter and rhetoric argued away until it dissolved into yet more pathetic cries and trembles. "If you're as cold and as desolate inside as you are pretending to be, then tell me why in the name of Merlin did I have to witness you running for your life with y/n in your arms looking like your world was about to stop spinning at any moment?"
"Because she was sick, and my problem isn't with her. What's your point?" I shrugged, throat dry and raw. "My point is that you clearly have things to live for, so why do you continue to ensure that we all die. Yourself included?"
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?!"
"Do you believe that once he wins, that he'll stop there? He won't. And he will drive the world we know into extinction. Once he's culled the muggleborns, who do you think will be next hm? Squibs, halfbloods, and those who have ever wronged him. Y/n will be executed, your father, maybe even your mo--"
"Shut up!! You're a senile old man that barely knows what he's talking about! Once this is over I will be vindicated, and he just wants Potter and you out of the way, his business isn't with anyone else!"
"And you really believe that do you Draco?"
Tears glittered on my lash line, the dark circles around my eyes aching. I opened my mouth to reply, but was silenced by the sound of Snape and the other death eaters announcing their presence. I wasn't sure if I wanted to lurch over and vomit everywhere or run for my life.
My chaotic thoughts were blinded by a bright light, it consumed Dumbledore's silhouette whole before he fell back into the dark night sky. My eyes widened, mouth falling open in terror. Merlin's fuck, I just watched him die. Wait- Turning to my right Snape stood frozen in his stance.
"What have you done?" I asked, voice cracking and shaking with remorse. "Protecting you. Yet again Draco. Like I said I would."
"I suppose it'll have been you who silenced Higgs as well then?"
"Don't rush to thank me Draco," he snapped, before pulling his eyes up and over me toward the small crowd all perched against the railings with gleeful grins. "Well?! Off with the rest of you then!"
"What do you m- No! You can- Fuuuuck!"
Snape caught my wrist firm as he fled past. "Bit late to back out now?"
And then released his pinching grip, leaving my quaking body frozen. Tumultuous and tormented, my guts churned inside my abdomen. Somehow I had both succeeded and failed, yet nothing felt different or better, nothing changed, I still wore an iron anchor around my neck and the splintering pain still surged through my arm.
Still a prisoner and trapped, the discourse and unease didn't feel familiar, even after almost a year of it eating me from the inside out.
The halls of Hogwarts were darker for the evil that surged throughout it, destroying anything and everything that happened to be in its path. Fire raged and glass exploded with cataclysmic bangs; the sensory overload had me coughing in to an old ornament vase that happened to be hanging around.
The oscillating movements of the stairs jerking and swinging didn't help in the slightest, creating the faintest sense of no gravity, I literally felt my skin paling out even worse than normal.
People had began to run and scream, bolting for safety as fast as their feet could carry them, but when I got to the ground floor my focus was called to my aunt screaming and cackling in the great hall before casting the most destructive curse I've ever seen.
The entire place crumbled in front of my own eyes and it was that split second, that I knew nothing would ever be the same again. The hollowness inside of me was reflected in the now hollowness of the once beautiful and grand spectacle I saw Hogwarts as.
Life as I knew it was over, my home falling apart in front of my very eyes.
That was the exact split second that I knew deep down I just wanted to take it all back.
But it was too late.
"Draco fucking Malfoy!!!!!" I span to see y/n storming at me and if I thought I was frightened before then fuck me, this was sheer terror. Her arm came up in the air, swish and flick, an enormous stupefy was conjured and thrown in my direction. I closed my eyes, put my hands over my ears and waited for the pain to hit. But it didn't, and when I turned back I saw my aunt Bellatrix out cold, draped over one of the house tables. Then the weight of y/n throwing herself into my arms hit. "What are you doing fucking run Draco?!!"
I was choked, confused, completely disorientated frankly. But her petrified eyes looked up at me frantically, and that was when it hit me with blunt force. She isn't angry and quite possibly has no clue about what I tried to have said to her and... This girl just knocked my fucking Aunt Bella out. Oh no.
"No. We both need to run."
"Okay but first, I'm kicking seven shades of shit out of whoever that is..."
"No, no, no, trust me you can't. Come on we're fucking moving now."
"Well I-"
Pressing a hand firmly over her mouth I began to make off with y/n clutched as closely to my body as was humanly possible. She mumbled against my palm smearing it in drool as she tripped over her own feet furiously. It sounded sort of like "mmmm mmmm mm m mmm?" But it actually meant "Who the fuck is she anyway?"
"Someone you really don't want to meet when they're awake y/n, now fucking hurry up."
I all but threw her into the first cupboard that I found, like she was some sort of cardboard cut out but honestly, I did not have time to think it through. "What are you doing you stupid girl?!"
"Okay, rude. But I was coming back from checking on the plants because me and Neville take it in turns so nobody gets suspicious. Are you going to tell me what the fuck is going on? And if you were feeling better then why didn't you come find me?"
"Feeling better?" I asked, mind fucked and confused. The sounds of banging vibrating the skeleton of the entire building including the closet door.
"Yeah? Blaise said you had flu? That's why you couldn't see anyone, and I can't expose myself to stuff like that because of-- that deficiency thing I mentioned."
Blaise, again.
He's pretty much the catalyst for this entire relationship in the end. So Blaise had not in fact told y/n that I didn't want her anymore, the sneaky shit had played it off with sickness. And I've never been more relieved. He'd given me another chance.
"Yeah I had the flu, it was quite bad. Sorry I only felt better this morning and I had loads to catch up on."
Throwing her arms around my neck, y/n pressed her mouth to mine. And for a moment everything seemed to fade away. The fear, the sounds of chaos, it just crumbled into nothing.
"Shall we go find out what's going on?" She whispered to me, pulling back. "No, I have to leave actually."
"Leave, where?!"
"I'm going home for the last two weeks of term.. there's been a family emergency."
I knew she sensed that I wasn't being completely truthful by the grimace on her face and the flippant assertion that things weren't quite literally falling apart right now. "Like has somebody died?"
"No, nobody has fucking died but it's still an emergency."
"What aren't you telling me Draco, and why does it sound like you might not be coming back??"
I felt my heart drop to the floor so hard I almost tried to bend down to pick it back up again. "Just go to your dorms, shut your door and stay there. Alright?"
"No!"
"Can you please just do this for me? And not fight me on this? I have my reasons."
"You're being fucking weird and I don't like it!"
It was clear there was no way around this and I only had one option to keep her safe, in a panic I span on my heels, stormed out of the closet and shut the door with y/n still inside. She rattled and banged like a mad woman on the brink of oxygen starvation.
The heavy locking charm would take a while to get through, but it bought both her and I some time. "Ay! What you doing?!"
My aunt wasn't wounded but she was skittish because somehow she'd blacked out for a few minutes and couldn't figure out why. I mean deep down it was fucking funny, but now wasn't the time to celebrate it.
"I'm coming. Where are the others?"
"Out on the grounds. The dark lord will be waiting for us at home. Is there any particular reason you're hanging around?" Her curly hair danced around her in a crazed state, outfit twisted up and a bruise on the side of her face. No, I nodded. Dropping my head and following out on to the dark castle grounds.
Hagrid's hut went up in flames too, the Death Eaters all laughing loudly and jumping around like it was some sort of folk dance. And then I heard Potter's voice echo through the night, calling for Snape and attempting to battle.
That was when I curled my arm and closed my eyes, engulfed into an apparition. I could not be caught in the middle of this with witnesses.
Although just as my sight began to obscure I caught the sight of a larger explosion going off inside the castle.
And I landed back at home with a painful thud on the cold, hard floor, but I was unable to process the pain because all that played in my mind was that y/n or pretty much anyone I cared for might have been caught in the explosion.
This wasn't how it was supposed to go.