XXXIII
I could recite all of the different reasons as to why our story is so tragic, but it's so painfully obvious that I couldn't even bring myself to summarise it even if I wanted to. To understand it you have to feel it, from start to finish, because every second of it is important.
Even though y/n had just experienced one of the hardest situations of her life thus far, I also had my own closure to pursue; taking the word of Fred Weasley was just the beginning.
Dumbledore's portrait had been hung above what was his old office. McGonagall hadn't had the heart to clear it out just yet and move in. His presence still lingers in the atmosphere even with his body long gone and only a hanging picture of him for part of his soul to remain in.
The Phoenix statue still stood strong and undamaged, not every part of the castle was in ruins but the magical energy had dwindled and receded until the place was almost unrecognisable to the grand spectacle it once was; and would be again, with time.
I approached wearily, frightened to be turned away and back to square one. Finding the words to speak first wasn't coming to me without a struggle; as well as just even being here after what I had done was difficult. But I have no right to be so stressed, and I know that. I helped make this happen.
"Professor?" My voice quivered, a hoarded shame buried beneath my tongue. "I know this seems like an unlikely encounter. And I agree that I don't deserve your acknowledgement. But I didn't know where else to go.."
His forward stare rolled down and on to my apparition, though his expression neither changed or flickered. Surprisingly he seemed slightly downtrodden by the sight of my spirit and not a physical form, all agendas aside; I was still one of his students, now dead too.
"I have to say, I didn't expect to see you here so soon.. well, not in that condition anyhow." There was a trace of sympathy in his voice, it still sounded as wistful as ever. "May I ask how?"
"Voldemort himself.. Killing curse, with the elder wand."
His eyes widened, like he had remembered something important. Like that should of been impossible. "The elder wand? But Draco, it shouldn't have been so easy.."
"Why's that? Throwing an unforgiveable curse around was just light fun for him?"
"Because Draco, the elder wand belonged to you. It's allegiance laid with you."
"No disrespect sir, I mean it's bit late for that now but all the same-- There's no way it could of been mine. How would I have gotten my hands on something so powerful?"
"Because, that night on the astronomy tower. When you so badly wanted to run and hide, it was you that rather impressively disarmed me with ease. Had you not hesitated, you could of realised then; but luckily for you, it went unnoticed and Professor Snape yielded it under disguise."
My heart sank in to my stomach, flash backs of that night flooding my mind in a traumatic spectre of cries and sobs. I recalled how nauseas I felt and how petrified I was. But even then, cowardice won and I refused the support and help offered to me in place of the hell I was already drowning in.
Just another split second that changed the entire course of my fate.
"Well, it couldn't of been that loyal to me. It took me down in one clean shot. I'm just glad that it was quick, and somehow dying wasn't half as scary as I imagined it. I just closed my eyes and it was all over, completely painless; I don't even remember hitting the ground."
"Yes, that's one grace we are awarded with a killing spell. Unlike so many others, it's fast and effective."
I needed to ask what I came here to ask, and not deliberate on the trivialities of death and the afterlife. The afterlife is just a whole load of nothing, only watching. "I actually came because I have a question, I need your help. More than ever I need it now. Is that offer still on the table? Regardless of the things that I've done?"
He smiled to himself gently, zoning out and staring off in to the distance whilst he made his mind up. "Well, no matter the circumstances.. there's always one motto that I think will remain true forever.."
It was ten whole seconds of unnecessary anticipation before he finished his statement with complete stoicism. "Help will always be given at Hogwarts, to those who ask for it."
"Really?" My voice croaked a little, some simple words reminding me clearly of how things used to be. "Does that still apply to someone like me?"
"What do you think Draco?"
It was a clear cut, simple question. But the answer was so complex; every emotion that had splintered itself and worked it's way in to a place that I didn't visit very often, making me doubt every single part of who I ever was.
"I think-- Well I think I got what I deserved. But I'm desperate, and if I look pathetic by pleading and begging my own victim for some sort of comfort then I'll take it. -- Actually no. Do you know what? Truth is that I'm selfish, and I don't want to linger in purgatory anymore. I want an easy solution. The few times I tried not being selfish got me fucked over anyway..
.. And yeah, I'm sorry for the things that I did and the people that I threw under the proverbial knight bus. But I wanted to live too, so yes, this whole figuring your way to the outer realms is complete bullshit! Nobody is trying to deny my responsibility but how is it up to death to decide how evil I was or not?! Only I know the truth, me, my truth, and it wasn't as fucking simple as people think!"
My anger got the better of me, and I struck out a fist at the stone Phoenix without a second thought. "Ah! Merlin's fuck!! fu-- I'd almost forgot what pain felt like!"
Shaking out my fist did nothing to tipper the stinging ache, until I froze solidly still.
I just felt.. pain. I haven't felt physical pain since I was alive. In fact, my hand should of gone straight through that statue; whether I wanted it to or not.
When I peered upwards again, Dumbledore had saddled a cocky expression upon his face. Smirking down at me all self-congratulatory.
"Oh I see. You ask me a bunch of overly existential questions so that I project my thoughts and problems on to you. That's what's going on here is it?"
He shrugged, repositioning himself as though to seem uninterested; only adding to the nuance. "Well, do you feel any different."
"Yeah, actually.. What did you do?"
"I didn't do anything, as much as I enjoy taking credit for things. That was all you, there really isn't anything I can do from where I am."
"I am truly sorry. I meant that."
"Maybe, the forgiveness you so desperately seek doesn't come from others. Try looking a little closer to home.. I think you might be pleasantly surprised with the results."
I mulled on the thought for a few minutes, pacing back and forth like an utter freak. That was until the realisation of what he was trying to tell me amongst his self-righteous riddles suddenly sunk in.
None of this had to do with redeeming myself to other people, it was self-forgiveness that I needed to lift my frequency. My unfinished business was with myself, for the most part.
It was so clear what I had to do, and it'd been staring me in the face the entire time.
"Thanks-- shit, thank you.."
Dumbledore didn't even have time to fill the blank spaces left in the conversation as I rushed off in the direction I came from. He tried to get my attention but it was too late, my feet were moving; hammering down the halls.
I darted down the staircases before they had a chance to move just as Flitwick was walking up them, and I decided to test the water; lightly whacking him on the head as I went past. "Ow! Hello?! Who's there?!"
Poor Filius was bamboozled, completely. Spinning every which way to try and find who had caught him with something. I've never laughed so hard in this life or the one prior, and I mean that.
Entirely unexplainable was how I was feeling, as if I had found the key that unlocked the chastity that weighed around my neck.
It was fair game now, if I can touch it. It's getting hit.
I pushed over several standing candle holders that lined the halls, sending them crashing to the ground; abusing my new found freedom. Anyone within eye-line or hearing distance was completely startled. They're so used to actually seeing ghosts, that the idea of one just running around as it pleased because it couldn't be caught was barmy.
It was only upon reaching the dorm in which y/n had held herself up in did I calm down. For the first time since my passing I was nervous to be near her, now I would have to be more considerate. I can't just go prancing about how I wanted.. I needed to be gentle and take it slowly.
And she was there, having returned from the Manor. In her chair, beyond the window, looking out emotionlessly. She had another newly opened letter in her hand, and her fingers had become sore from her incessant biting at them to self soothe.
Dear y/n,
I'm certain now that crystals are a scam. You told me that tigers eye will help lessen fear, but I've never felt more scared. I've been keeping it close to me for a while now, in my pocket. Maybe it'll still work eventually, I don't know. Even so, I keep it close to me because it was from you.
I wasn't thinking straight and accidentally said to my mum 'I want to go home' today, it was only when she looked at me funny did I remember that I was home technically. But what I really meant was that I wanted to be back at Hogwarts, with you and with Pans, Theo, Blaise and everyone else.
It was like second nature to me to call that place home. It had become exactly that for you more than anyone, since what happened.. happened. To the old place in Tidworth. And if that was your home then it was my home too.
It's the simple things I miss the most. The way the old books smelt, especially the ones that had been there for decades. And the sounds of everyone chatting at meal times. Those nights when it just rained and rained and rained, and we'd read in the candlelight until one of us fell asleep; leaving the other with free range to curl up on each other how we pleased.
Like my own human body pillow.
Trelawney bumbling and ranting around the castle without a fucking clue where she was going, and sometimes even when Potter and his gang would miraculously cause chaos but come out the winning side, yet again.
There isn't any winning side anymore, or so it feels like. They turned up at the Manor yesterday. Potter's face was all swollen and weird, so I was told to identify him but I couldn't bring myself to do it. Because if I was going to have one chance to try and make a difference then I had to take it.
I know it's what you would of done.
I still can't find you either, and I'm running out of options pretty quickly. All I want is to know that you're safe, just one clue as to where you are would be enough; it's like you're being hidden on purpose and whilst I'm happy that you're not in danger, I'm still losing it not knowing where.
Just seeing you once so that I could tell you all the things I didn't have the chance to, it's all I beg for. And I'll keep begging and begging but honestly, I really think he's going to kill me and my family anyway.
I've got a gut feeling that once this is over and I'm no longer of any use, that I'll be sacrificed.
If that ever happens. Know that I didn't go willingly, and I would of kept searching for you.
I love you y/n.
DraCo MAlfOy
I was in such a lonely place when I wrote those, and to look back at them now I didn't realise just how close I came to completely shutting down and regressing to just primal human functions. They're useless to me now, but just the thought is enough.
Striding up behind the arm chair I slowly lowered my hand to her shoulder, before calmly stroking her neck with the back of my hand. Y/n stopped breathing for a second before turning to look at the spot where my hand was resting. A happy smile crawled over my cheeks.
So I leant over and tried to pick the envelope up from her lap, and it worked, it floated in to the air right in front of her face before I tossed it aside. Those letters mean nothing now, because I'm here with her.
"Bit rude, maybe I wanted to make origami.."
That cocky tone, I loathe it but love it. At least by speaking to me she's open to the idea that she isn't going fucking mental or having a breakdown. So I floated around the chair and took to my knees in front of y/n, slipping my hands in to hers and rubbing my thumbs across her palms.
Instantly she was calmed, taking in a deep relaxing breath and letting the tension in her body go. "Draco Malfoy, let me tell you something for nothing right now... If you are really there, able to touch me and you stick around.. do not grab me on the boob like you used to. Because they will leak and I'm not joking. I'm like a fucking cow right now, just less moo'ing and more crying."
There's my y/n. My brave, brave y/n. I knew she wouldn't be too far gone or let herself slip away completely. She's stronger than me; and some things never change, least of all my admiration of her.