XXXII
Y/n's belly just never seems to stop growing, I had underestimated how big little babies can grow before they decide to come out and start screaming and shitting constantly. It was no wonder she was struggling to get around.
It was decided between the Professor's and y/n herself that travelling by Floo was the safest option. Apparition is too risky, the last thing you want to do is get splinched and find half of your baby missing, and flying by broom is pretty self explanatory.
My parent's received y/n with eager, open arms. But their excitement was not reciprocated.
"Welcome to our home love." Mother's eyes lit up at the sight of McGonagall helping y/n along on her arm before being on her way again. "Lucius," she elbowed him and murmured. "Be polite and try to make her feel comfortable."
"Yes. Welcome. How are you?"
He was so awkward that it was funny, he's never been great with emotional communication but he was trying his best. He really was. But the fact that y/n was looking a little emaciated didn't go unnoticed. "We've made tea and snacks for you, do you want to come along to the living room to rest for a few minutes before we.. well you know, before we go outside."
"Honestly Mr and Mrs Malfoy, if I'm force fed any more 'tea and snacks' then I'm going to explode in to an uncontainable rage.."
"Oh," mother's eye's fell to the floor as she went through every possible way she could fix the situation before remarkably coming to the obvious answer. "Well.. I know myself just how cravings hit you out of nowhere. Have you been craving anything?"
Y/n's face changed in to one of pure elation. Almost as if she didn't even know she had cravings until now. "Oh god yeah.. roast potatoes and gravy. Nothing else just that." She all but drooled and completely zoned out at the thought. I too, love roast potatoes more than I loved my own life.
"Draco's favourite." Mother's smile was warm, as was fathers. It reminded them that the little life that was growing inside of her was still half mine. "I can make that for you, I'll do them my special way. Just how Draco liked them."
I myself was deeply rage filled, I don't get to fucking eat anymore.
I don't get fucking roast potatoes! This is fucking bullshit! It's not fair and everyone can get fucked! Okay calm down.
Whilst y/n took refuge in the living room in front of the warm fire, even though it was summer she's still always cold, mother got to hurriedly whipping up y/n's greatest dreams and desires in the kitchen. Silence just fell upon my father who had zero clue what to say to her. And honestly, what is there to say? She's here to see where they hauled my dead body so I could decompose in peace if we're going to be blatant about things.
Once done, mother brought in a plate the size of her head; it was piled high with potatoes. It would of fed a family of five, the bloody serving dish full of gravy was just as big. Y/n's eyes lit up like it was Christmas morning come early.
And as soon as it was set down beside her she pushed a whole potato in her gob with no mercy. "Oh my god, wow..."
Her head fell back as she chewed, in complete ecstasy. Both of my parents looked proud as punch as they just quietly watched on and let her have at it. And it'd be a lie to say I wasn't even happier about it. One, she really needed it. Two, roast potatoes are life's greatest pleasure. Doesn't quite beat sex but it's a close contender.
At the earliest possible opportunity.. my father was the one to break the ice. "So Miss Selwyn. Have you given anymore thought to our offer or are things very much the same?"
"I still feel the same, he would be better off here. I still don't have a permanent living situation yet. And he's going to be here in three months, mid autumn time; so I think it's the best solution.."
"He? A boy?"
"Yes, what's wrong?"
My mother's hands were shaking as she lifted them to fidget with the necklace around her neck nervously. My father's arm came around to comfort her. "Sorry dear, it's just.. I'm not sure, I thought I was prepared to know but it's still a shock to the system. When I found out I was expecting a little boy too I was over the moon, but it's just memories now."
"What was he like?" Asked y/n. "As a baby?"
"Awful, would not sleep for the first six months. Every opportunity he was wailing and crying. Most of the time it wasn't even for food or a change. It was just because he could. -- Then, as he grew a little it was the obsession with bugs. Merlin, I would find them everywhere. And every time it was his 'new pet snail' or 'his friend' the bloody caterpillar. Until he tried to start eating them. I had to put a stop to that pretty quickly.."
"Bugs? He ate.. bugs?" Y/n was on the verge of cracking up and literally wetting herself. "Yeah. Strange, strange child.. but I wouldn't have changed him for the world. Because he was my little strangeling."
The flames of the fire were still crackling away, y/n had demolished her potatoes, and father took the initiative to prompt what everyone had been avoiding with frivolous talk of my childhood. "Are you ready y/n?"
She dropped her head and nodded in to her chest. "Can I ask something of you first?"
"Anything."
"Can I see his room? I want to see where he stayed when he was at home."
"Yeah," father said softly. "Yes of course you can, come and follow me.."
She walked through the Manor, two steps behind my parents; taking it all in and completely in awe at the sheer size of the place. But when they all arrived at my room, their moods seemed to change drastically. "This is his room?"
Father nodded, and mother turned in to his embrace to refrain from weeping again. I can't imagine how difficult it must be for her to go there and see a bed for her baby, without the child being in there safe. Instead asleep in the ground, beneath six foot of soil and earth.
Y/n traced her fingertips over my things as she slowly walked around, nothing had been moved, not one single thing apart from the stuff on my desk. "I can't believe he used to touch and cherish all of this, the room still smells like him."
And opening up my closet she took a random shirt from inside and bundled it in her hands to quietly lift it to her face. Many times my mother had done the same thing, and now it was her turn to be reminded that I'll never be coming back. Mother approached, placing a reassuring hand in to the small of y/n's back.
"You know, the top of your head always smells like you. Right from a new born up until adulthood. I used to love smelling the top of his head when he was a baby, and it sounds silly now but it's the most beautiful thing as a mother; because that's your little person and you know nobody will ever be able to take that away from you or change that."
"Is this some half-hearted attempt at testing the water to see if I'll change my mind when he's born?"
"I just want you to be sure. We won't ever try to take your place, you will always be our grandson's mother, and I just want you to know that. You're family now, and we will love you both as equally as we loved Draco. He may live with us, but you will always, always be his mum and we'll make sure that he knows that.. every single day."
Y/n tried to hide the fact she needed to swallow away the lump in her throat and instead re-directed the conversation. "Can I keep this??"
"Yes, of course you can. Take whatever you need.."
"Thank you, I think I'm ready to see him now Mrs Malfoy."
"Okay sweetie, come with us then."
It was overcast outside even though it was a little humid, a light wind blew but not enough to make the weather unfavourable. Y/n was absolutely terrified of the peacocks and had a fist raised the whole time they weaved through them, ready to throw hands if one of them attacked.
They're docile creatures, but I can see why they'd seem intimidating.
Also the walk to the burial sight wasn't exactly a short stroll either, making father have to hold out an arm to help y/n walk the distance. And my grave was beneath some sycamore trees. My ancestors dotted behind me in a neat little row.
Then there was the headstone that was carved with gold on top of black marble. It was strangely beautiful, in fact it was calm and peaceful.
She broke away from my parents, silently stepping forward; and she stared for a little while. To comprehend that someone is actually buried beneath is unfathomable.
Her voice was a trembling whisper. "Hey, mALfOy. Congratulations, you really did it this time. You really went and got yourself killed you idiot...
You should probably know that we're having a son, a little boy. He's camping on my bladder right now, I can't wait to evict him. Anyways, I think I felt you the other night but now when I think of it, it could of been my mind playing tricks on me. I got your letters too, I've only read a few but I could tell you were in pain..
And now I know exactly what it felt like. I haven't taken a meaningful breath since the day you left, when I saw you there on the ground the world stopped turning. In that split second I thought I'd never be able to carry on. I lost the last piece of my heart, it was already shattered but then you swept all of the little bits up and took them with you. Now I don't know how to love anything anymore.."
Her façade was faltering. Even between the lonesome weeping she had tried to stay far too strong for far too long. And she dropped to her knees against the mud and grass. Mother tried to reach out toward her but my father pulled her back and refrained her from doing so. Y/n needed to feel this in all it's ugly truth. Even if the lines between grief and anger were blurred.
"I believed there wasn't a single person on this earth that could break my heart, but you took that power from me when you left. You were fighting a completely different battle to the rest of us, and it was ten times harder because it was within yourself..
I don't think people like us were born to live simple lives, but we were going to try. Then you went and stood me up. That wasn't fair, you should of picked me above anything else. I would of picked you, I would of picked you every single time if I'd of known you wouldn't always be here."
"Darling, don't you think maybe this is too much for one day? You can come back whenever you like but you're exhausted," mother muttered, worry painted in her expression. So y/n snapped her head back, revealing her stuffy nose and puffy eyes.
"No, I don't. You don't know how exhausted I am so don't try to pretend otherwise. Now I have to go to a burial site if I want to see my best friend. All because you were too stupid to protect him properly. I haven't forgotten you know, that you were a part of this. You had the Dark Lord in your home, and I have no doubt that if your son didn't see better sense then you would still be loyal to Voldemort."
There wasn't anything that anyone could respond because it was the truth, mostly. They likely would of still been on his side had he won the war, out of fear yes, but that doesn't change the fact.
"I'm so sorry y/n, it wasn't supposed to be this way." Y/n tore her eyes away from father who just hung his head in shame. And she finally gave in, releasing a deep sob, an unfiltered cry and not the polite kind.
And she sank completely to the floor. Curling up in to the foetal position in the mud, letting her tears flow down and feed the grass beneath her. Hoping that it would trickle down far enough to reach me, so that a part of her would get to be close to me one more time.
There's no explaining the level of mourning you would have to reach to collapse on to somebodies grave, just to lay next to them for a bit.
"I miss you," she whispered, pressing a palm to the ground. "So fucking much. I don't know how to let you go."
"Maybe we should call for Minerva McGonagall again to come and get her. She can't stay on the cold floor forever in that position, it isn't good for the baby." My parents were agreeable to that at least, but when they tried to coax her away she just relentlessly shook her head and refused to move, refused to leave me. "This is inhumane, she needs some kind of help. Counselling or something?"
"I don't think she needs counselling Lucius, I think she needs something to look forward to and live for. And if not even her son is that, then Merlin only knows what will help. All we can do is provide security and reassurance."
The message was sent unbeknownst to y/n, and soon people will be back to collect her but I can't see them having an easy time peeling her away from me.
And if the roles were reversed, I'd fight tooth and nail until I had nothing left to remain there.