XXXI
Y/n and I fell asleep, but only after a good two hours. In that time I learned more about myself than I ever thought I knew, or at least had forgotten about. The fact that I had accidentally transfigured our house elf in to a purple bat and rode my new broom through the house and broke four of my fingers at age nine, was absolutely hysterical to her.
But I remember how much it fucking hurt. And the trouble I got in to.
That was followed by y/n specifically asking how moaning Myrtle got that name. The awkward silence that followed was so stiff and so dry, that I genuinely thought all air had left the room and I'd gone deaf. It wasn't a thought I wished to linger on.
It was only when several bangs woke us both up did I realise that we were still in the same bed. I sat bolt upright, followed by y/n panicking and pulling the blanket to her chest. "What's going on?" She whispered to me. Casting a Lumos charm, the source of the sound was revealed.
Zabini was tripping all over the place, falling right down beside his bed. "Blaise what the hell are you doing?!" Trying to shout and whisper at the same time is difficult but not impossible. His head popped up over the side of the bed, and it was obvious just how drunk he was, which for Blaise was quite uncommon.
He pressed an index over his mouth and slurred his words. "Shhh you're gonna wake everyone up."
"You've already woken us up Blaise, fucking hell you're absolutely gone."
"Technically no, because I'm here-- oh, oh, you got a girl in here.. howdy!"
Y/n's hand was pressed to her face as she held in her laugh. So we just watched an inebriated Zabini who tried to lift a leg to pull his sock off, but ended up losing balance and hopping backwards before falling down again and dragging all of the crap on his desk down with him too.
"Get in to bed you fool! What time is it anyway?"
"I don't know man like three.."
The superman jump that was supposed to land him on to his mattress was misjudged and he ended up wedged between both my bed and his. "My elbow just fell off.. Draco, Draco, help me up I've lost my arms and legs!"
"I regularly wonder if my mother still would of sent me here had she known the people I'd have to live with.."
I managed to help drag him up to allow him to crawl in to his bunk, and the very second his head hit the pillow he went out like a light. When I turned to y/n she had a sleepy smile on her face, one that I was unable to resist the urge to kiss as we repositioned ourselves and pulled the blankets over our heads.
"I think everyone had a good night," she whispered to me, running her hands around my neck. "Yeah, sorry I ruined it."
"You didn't ruin it, I know exactly where I'd rather be.."
"Me too." For the first time ever, I really did prefer to not be at a party and in bed. "I think I'm making you all uptight and boring, it's rubbing off on you."
She smiled, followed by a sleepy yawn. "I don't mind. Merlin knows I need a change."
Falling back to sleep with my arms wrapped around her and my face rested against the top of her head was both easy and comfortable. But when I awoke again, she wasn't there.
The clock read 7.40 am to the dot. Blaise was still out cold and Goyle's bed was still empty.
Out in the common room everyone was sat like statues, the energy was particularly off. "Have I missed something guys?"
"It's Goyle.."
My first thought was that he's been caught doing something he wasn't supposed to be doing, then it went to somewhere way darker, and even though Theo and Pans were still in bed likely with a hangover.. Crabbe sat in front of the fire looking deeply traumatised.
"What's happened?"
"He's in the infirmary. He's been in there all night, a backfired spell. He might not make it."
"Holy fuck, why didn't anybody tell me?"
Vince lost his cool and shot up to storm at me. "Because you don't fucking care, where were you?! Out getting your rocks off.. You were nowhere to be fucking found!"
It would be an outright lie to say that guilt didn't plume me, because the sinking feeling I got when Crabbe almost cracked was intense. People have the predisposed idea that Slytherins are heartless or just don't care for anyone but themselves. But it's untrue, we may not be as social or as trusting as other people but we care for each other deeply.
And yes Crabbe and Goyle aren't the smartest nor morally compassed, but they are still my friends.
"If I'd of known I would of gone straight to him mate?"
"Would you of? Because I don't think you care about anyone but yourself!"
"That's not true.. Why am I the only one getting any aggro over this?"
"Because both of us spent the last five years in your shadow and now all of a sudden you've turned in to a prick. Ever since the year started you've more or less ignored us and now he's laid up really fucking hurt and you still weren't there."
"I've only just found out Vince? I'll go right now if you get off my fucking case!"
Crabbe threw whatever he was drinking across the common room and stormed past me, leaving me shocked and speechless. Never had either of them spoken to me in this way, and frankly I was too flabbergasted to even question it. So I did exactly that and went straight to the infirmary.
For a Saturday morning, the halls were more or less deserted. Nobody really see's the Professor's on the weekends so this one was no exception but the dwindling amount of students was both strange and eery. Only once I got to the infirmary was it clear that it was because most people were hungover, even a few were laid up here with their heads in sick buckets.
Goyle's bed had a curtain drawn around it for privacy but perhaps the most surprising thing to see was y/n, considering she'd upped and left me without a word.
She wasn't sick or hungover but she had just drank a glass of water in which Pomfrey had added some sort of potion or ground up dust. The two of them then bid each other a farewell as if it was a normal, daily encounter.
So hanging back, I made sure not to be seen as y/n left again to go about her day. Likely showering, getting changed and whatnot. But it didn't stop my curiosity from flaring, maybe even a little suspicion.
When I approached Goyle's bed and pushed the curtain back enough to step inside, what I saw almost brought me to my knees. He was burnt, really badly, all up one side of his body.
His face was swollen and he was covered in bandages that had been doused in some sort of concoction. I tried to rouse him but he was more or less unconscious, which was probably for the best because had he been awake he would of been screaming in agony.
"What the hell happened?" I asked, beckoning Pomfrey over. "We think it was some sort of fiendfyre spell that he tried to cast in conjunction with another separate spell which then flared upwards rather than outwards; and his robe caught the flames."
I took a seat, just rolling my gaze over his injuries. I hadn't seen anything so painful looking in my life, and I'd taken the dark mark. I'll tell you more about how that goes later.
"Do his parents know?"
"Yes," Pomfrey replied. "They'll be here any time now, they're moving him to St.Mungo's to receive appropriate care. Are you okay though? This must be difficult for you to see your friend this way.."
"This has nothing to do with the way I'm feeling?"
It was perplexing and incongruous that any of this mattered in relation to my thoughts and feelings. "Well you know, he might not recover from this.."
"That's ridiculous, they're bound to have something to help at St.Mungo's."
Pomfrey's hand came to rest on my shoulder. "Some spells just aren't recoverable from. And I don't just mean the obvious ones."
Wow, my longest known friend might actually die. Just like that, because of one spell gone wrong. It was then that things really fell in to perspective for me. Everything is so fragile and uncertain.
"His parents are here," she said raising her gaze up and to the door before coming back to look at me. "Professor Snape has requested that anyone who feels affected by this seek counselling with him at the earliest opportunity as the head of house."
Like anything he has to say is going to fucking help.
"Yeah, fine.. Um before I go there is something else.."
She nodded softly, welcoming my question though her response was even more confusing. "Y/n was in here not long ago, why? Is she ill or something?"
"Y/n? Well hasn't she mentioned anything to you?"
"No, that's why I'm asking.."
"Oh well then I'm afraid I'm not allowed to disclose that sort of thing to you. It'd be best to go directly to y/n and ask her yourself, whether or not she decides to go into depth with you is solely at her discretion."
"But she took some sort of medicine, I saw it."
"I'm sorry Mr Malfoy. It's really not my place, I am going to have to ask you to leave now though so that Mr Goyle's family can tend to him in privacy."
I said what I needed to say to Goyle before leaving the infirmary. The sounds of his mother weeping as I exited were heavy on the heart. Little did I know that I'd get to hear that sound for myself in the near future, when it was my own mother.
Instantly I set in search for Snape, and I found him quickly, loitering beyond his potions cupboard. "Professor, can I talk to you for a minute?"
He seemed reluctant at first but must of noticed the desperation in my voice when I pleaded with him. "I don't want to do this anymore."
"I beg your pardon?"
"You know what I'm talking about, the cabinet, the ambush. I don't want to do it anymore. I need a way out."
He pulled me to a corner, hushing me down. "This is hardly the appropriate time and place for this discussion. But you know that it's far too late now. One does not simply get an out from the dark lord. You took the mark, so you signed a binding contract the very second you allowed that sort of magic on to your skin."
"You're my head of house, my teacher..."
"I am also an associate and fellow follower. What makes you think for one second that having a conversation with such transparency won't get you killed?"
"Because I'm not thick, and I can tell that you don't want this either."
He grimaced in temper but didn't deny it. "When I told you that the cabinet is finished you looked almost as terrified and upset about it as me. So if it's transparency you want to talk about then you need to work on your own."
Snape's eyes searched up and down the corridor before he continued to speak, being sure that it was just us here. "You were agreeable to the mark and the task. You want your father out of Azkaban do you not?"
"Of course I do. But as time goes on, I'm starting to wonder if it's actually worth it."
"Keep your voice down Mr Malfoy.. It's too late. Now if you want to live long enough to see your eighteenth birthday then I suggest you keep your head down and your mouth closed."
"Goyle may not see his eighteenth birthday, and my priorities are changing. Maybe you should consider your own priorities too. Because with no disrespect, they're even more fucked than mine."
Severus didn't even try to stop me or warn more as I broke away in a frustrated huff, pacing the halls hard enough I could of broken the stone beneath me. It felt like the walls were closing in, this amount of stress at this age is practically unheard of.
This isn't what I fucking dreamed of when I first pulled up on that train, not even close.
And I certainly know that having to go to my grave wasn't what y/n had ever imagined for herself either, but she's about to.
And It's going to really hurt.