Marcid

He slowly blinked awake.

It was white kind of like the medical wing when they would wait for Remus after a full moon.

Remus… oh

What… He groaned slightly. 

Fuck his mouth was dry. 

He coughed. It sounded horrible.

There was a hand in his. what?

James’ POV

Sirius had been looking… terrible lately.

Like really bad.

He had been using poorly applied glamour spells. But James hadn't said anything because it was good for him. He was feeling bad. He deserved it. 

Remus was scared. Snape wasn't exactly a trustworthy person. Especially with a secret that could potentially destroy Remus’s life. He could easily ‘accidentally’ slip up. 

Remus liked Sirius. As in, like likes him. And the betrayal really hurt him.

Normally he would side with Sirius because they were brothers. Not that he didn’t love Remus, it was just he had always felt closer with Sirius. But he really had gone too far with this ‘Prank’ this time. 

This came at the cost of Remus. And James loves Remus. 

James being the righteous person he is sided with Remus. 

He stopped talking to Sirius. 

Stopped communicating with him.

Stopped including him.

But he couldn’t stop caring about him. that was impossible

They were brothers. No matter what. They were brothers.

So he would occasionally ask him where he was eating. Because he wasn't eating with them. He was eating in the kitchens. 

He would ask him where he was washing up, brushing his teeth and the like. He would sneak into the dorm room late at night or early morning and do his things. 

When he came into the common room late for reasons and saw Sirius on the couch he would cover him with a blanket. Other times he couldn’t find him. When he looked on the Marauders Map he would see the footsteps with ‘Padfoot’ wandering the castle. As far as he could tell, never getting caught. 

That didn’t mean that he wasn’t worried. Pads was never good at emotions. Or rather showing them. 

Might have been because when he had  grown up where emotions were seen as a weakness. 

So he could be going through a bad sketch just not knowing that he was. 

That was what James was worried about. 

He knew the signs of depression. His parents had made him learn them so he could help. When they found out about SIrius’ home life, then later Remus’ condition, they made him take a muggle course on depression and suicidal thoughts. 

He had thought his parents were being overly cautious. But he had once recognized the symptoms in Remus. He had been able to help. Been able to listen.

He didn’t know how to help Sirius.

He didn't want to betray Remus either. He was getting really worried about Sirius.

But it was getting worse.

His grades were the same due to the amount of time spent in the library because he was avoiding them. Even though Remus went in there constantly.

He was never really there. His eyes had a vacant expression that was never associated with Sirius.

His eyes had lost the spark that made him Sirius. 

It was unnerving.

Like he had lost his soul. The very thing that made up Sirius. 

The one that defied his parents over and over and over again, the one tht helped execute all of their pranks, the one that got a gleam in them when talking about something he was really passionate about. 

It was worrying. Very worrying.

James was getting more concerned as the days went on. 

Sirius wasn’t right. He wasn’t there.

He wanted to be loyal to Moony but he didn’t want to betray his brother.

He thought it over. Would Remus want Sirius to punish himself to the point that it became harmful?

The answer was no. No he wouldn’t. He would want Sirius to feel bad for some time but not for the amount of time it had been. They were friends, they were best friends.

How long had it been? One month, two months?

It was concerning. 

So he went to find Sirius. 

][][][][][][][][

It was so much worse than he had thought. Those were the only thoughts running through his head while he ran to Sirius’s side. 

He started shaking him.

“Please… please Pads. No NONONO!!” He was sobbing now.

There wasn’t a pulse. WHY WASN’T THERE A PULSE there should be a pulse.

This was his best friend NO NO NO He had to be okay He was going to be ok

He looked around and saw bottles of muggle pills. And a water bottle

Remus had mentioned once.

Too many of them could kill right? Right? Or had he said something about a comatose state? what was it? WHICH ONE WAS IT

Why couldnt he remember?

what was going on

why was Sirius like this why was he on the ground not moving with barely a pulse why was any of this happening this shoudnt be happening this couldnt be happening no no no

He was crying now. Hugging Sirius. He should take him to Madame Pomfrey. Right?

He levitated the body… Sirius

He started running. Sprinting to the hospital wing. It wasn’t usually this far right?

Why was it this far?

It should be closer. 

The castle should be smaller.

There it is. The doors. 

He was banging. Why were the doors so thick? Could she hear him? Was she even in there? Was she- the doors opened

“Honestly Mr.Potter I-”

“It’s Sirius please help him he-he- i dont know help- you have to help- he-I…”

She seemed to understand. She guided him over to the closest bed. 

She set him down and cast a bunch of spells and started getting potions and waved her wand several times. She spelled the potions into his stomach and told him to put them in the sink. He numbly did so. 

She lightly suggested he get some sleep. 

no

He wasn’t going to sleep without Padfoot ever again. This happened on his watch. He should have never let this happen. 

No. 

It was his fault that it had gotten this far. 

He should have stopped it. He should have made them all talk ages ago. He should have sat them all down. He should have tracked Sirius from his perch in the castle and set them all down to talk. 

To expel all of the hard feelings. To get them to trust each other again. To get Remus and Sirius to be friends again. To help them be the friends they were before. The family they were before. 

Before it all went to shit. Before it all came crashing down before them. Before it had all broken. Before they had broken. 

He wished he could have done that. Done that a month earlier. Weeks earlier. 

When she changed him into a white gown and James saw the scars he broke down. Sirius had made those scars. He had deliberately put them on his body. He had traced them out with a knife and sliced his skin. 

This was all his fault. It was all his fault. 

He cried his heart out at six am in the hospital wing after spending more time with Padfoot while he was unconscious than he had in the past two months. 

He was vaguely aware of Madame Pomfrey telling him he wasn't to go to classes today.

Then Remus and Peter came barreling in and he broke down again. They cried too. 

They were all crying in the bed next to Sirius.

Then they fell asleep. 

][][][][][][][][

Remus and Peter had woken up that day with half of their dorm missing. James was gone. Sirius was never there.

The shrugged it off to James getting up at ass crack of dawn again in his ever eternal quidditch madness. They calmly got dressed. Remus helped Peter with his tie because even after five years of practice Peter was no better at tying his tie than he was in first year. 

They went to breakfast joking and laughing about the last quidditch game and how much Ravenclaw had failed. And now they were in the lead, having been behind the Ravens for most of the season to James’s indignation. Remus had his toast and spread on some strawberry jam. Peter had some oatmeal with an excess amount of sugar.

Then McGonagall had told them that when they were done they should go to the Medical Wing and they were exempt from today's classes. 

They ran to the hospital wing. Was it James? Was it Sirius?

Neither of them were oblivious to Sirius in the past two months. How he had been steadily declining. They had thought James would reel him in and make them work it out before it could get too bad though. 

When they had seen James on the bed looking dead they had run to him. Then they saw Sirius on the bed next to him and broke down. All of the emotions from the past two months that they had been holding in. The anger, the hurt, the betrayal. All of it came up in the form of tears. They broke down. 

It was too much. 

They passed out together with tears still falling down their cheeks. 

Remus woke up first. He sat next to Sirius holding his hand looking at the scars on his wrist, kissing them and crying. Fingers rolling over the pronounced knuckles over and over again. 

James woke up next he sat at the foot of the bed looking at Sirius’s face. Wondering why he hadn’t stopped him. Why hadn’t he sat them all down and forced them to work through their problems. No matter how hard it was. No matter how much it hurt. 

Peter woke up last. He just sat there looking at Sirius and playing with his fingers. He occasionally got up and walked around. Never leaving the Hospital wing, always staying close enough that Sirius was still in his vision. 

He was going to wake up. That's what they told themselves. He had to. 

][][][][][][][][

He started blinking.

Then he softly groaned. Remus’s hand tightened. James sat up. Peter stopped the pacing he had started five minutes ago. 

Then he coughed. Peter ran off to get Madam Pomfrey and a glass of water. 

He opened his eyes slightly and James dimmed the lights. 

He tried to sit up and Remus helped him. 

Peter came back with a glass of water that he pushed into Sirius’s hand. Remus helped him hold it up to his mouth and sip. 

Madam Pomfrey Shooed them all away as she began checking him again. 

As she was he slowly came around. He looked around looking confused.

When she was, they all rushed back to his side. 

“I’m so sorry” James said “I should’ve seen it, I mean I did see it but I should have done something about it.”

“What?” Sirius said curiously 

Remus grabbed his hand again “Sirius, do you remember what happened?”

“Um…” He scratch his head with the hand that Moony wasn’t holding “I remember going up to the astronomy tower last night, I-I remember some of my… er thoughts and um” He looked around at his friends “I wanted to end it, none of you were talking to me and I can get that. I was a prick. I should've never told Snivellus Remus. I really messed up there and I understand if you never want to talk to me again, I can’t really hold it against you cause I really fucked up and I understand-”

“No, I mean you did really mess up and it was a prick thing to do but I can’t keep holding that to you because it was a mistake. And I think I have forgiven you for a while. I was just waiting for the right time to tell you. But you didn’t talk to us for a while so I couldn’t.”

“I didn’t talk to you because I didn’t think you wanted to talk to me.”

James and Peter started getting into the conversation, and gradually they started talking about Sirius. They started talking about why he was having those thoughts and how they could help him.

Two days later Madam Pomfrey released him and they took him down to the dorms. He was already looking better, he had filled out while he was in the Hospital Wing. She had put something on his scars and they were more faded. There but not as noticeable. 

A week later when they had all calmed down and had had another talk when they weren't all high on worry Sirius was still sleeping in Remus’s bed. They had started dating and everything was back to normal. They still looked warily at Sirius and made sure he ate what was on his plate, that would never stop for James, it would always remain as a habit for him. 

Sirius started laughing and smiling again. He got his spark back.

Hogwarts wondered what happened but they never told.