Stars upon his face
“Remember the ducks?” Sirius was holding a red cup filled with a rancid mixture of liquors, occasionally taking the smallest sips.
“Sirius, you’re bloody mad right? How could I possibly forget? You fucking took three ducks as pets! Pregnant ducks. They shat everywhere.” James rolled his eyes, reminding his friend of the poor decision he made last year to take in three pregnant ducks as pets. “Ducks aren’t even allowed! At least I don’t think so.” James shrugged and walked off, his face filled with concentration as he tried to remember if ducks were on the list for approved Hogwarts pets.
Sirius stood against the wall, leather jacket outlining his fraile silhouette in the light as he stared off in the distance. It was Ravenclaw's turn to host the party, and Merlin could they throw a good one. Sirius’s natural charisma had been attracting girls all night, but one in particular stuck out. Isabella Parker was a Ravenclaw fourth-year student, one of the brightest in their class. Their hair was always kept, their coils framing their face in the best way. They were beautiful, and one of the kindest souls Sirius knew. He fancied them for years, and when they turned him down, it broke him. To be fair, he was 13 and had no sense of what “love” was, but he was devastated nonetheless. They were known as Rissy, a nickname that had stuck since second year when a first-year Hufflepuff struggled to pronounce their name.
“So, what’s up with you?”
“Mhm? Oh hey Riss.” Sirius offered them a small smile, his mind focused elsewhere.
“ You look beat, everything alright?” Rissy eyed Sirius, his slightly disheveled hair and low-maintenance outfit- knowing this was not him. Sirius looked over to Remus who was practically fuming at this point, his hand about to squish his cup. Rissy’s eyes followed Sirius’s, looking at Remus. “Ah,” They took a sip of their drink and smiled. “What’s got you so out of it? Are you in love or something?” Sirius looked away from a glaring Remus, looking Riss in the eye. His silence spoke volumes, but he was worried it said the wrong thing.
“Er- no, definitely not! He’s a guy, and well I’m a guy.” Sirius heard the quiver in his voice, and he could only hope they didn’t notice.
“So?” Riss never took their gaze from Sirius, making sure to let him know they were listening. That’s all he needed right now, for someone to listen. His morality was conflicted and so were his feelings. Growing up, he was taught that men should be with women- and anything different was disgusting. But the Potters, they didn’t care. They never pressed their values unto him but made sure that he knew what they would and wouldn’t tolerate. “Sirius, that shit doesn’t matter. Not to me, not to him. Trust me.”
Sirius didn’t say a word, and if he did, it wasn’t the right one. His feelings were scattered. He had no idea if he was in love with Remus, or if he just found him attractive- which raised another question: does he find both men and women attractive? Or is it just men? Just women maybe? He had no clue, and frankly, it bothered him quite a bit. Sirius had always had all aspects of his life and personality figured out for him, and now that he needs to figure things out for himself, he had no clue how to go about that.
“You know, it’s okay to not know. That’s normal.” Sirius looked to Riss with confusion, wondering how they’d know. “I’m here with my girlfriend.” They pointed to a blonde Ravenclaw, the one dancing with her friend on the table. Sirius mouthed an ‘ah’ as his gaze subtly returned to Remus.
“Honestly Riss, I have no idea what I feel. I know one thing, it’s not the same way I feel for James or Marlene or you,” He extends his hand to motion at the three; “It’s different. But not like a bad different, like a good different, but I don’t know what kind of different. Like Merlin, I could stare at him all day, but I don’t know if that means anything. He’s so bloody attractive Riss, but like I can say the same about James o-or Longbottom! It’s just so fucking confusing.” He took a sip of his horrible concoction, grimacing at the initial taste and burn.
“You know, that’s okay. I mean, it took you asking me out to realize I did not like men. And even then I still questioned, I mean just look at us. It’s 1975, there’s not much out there about people like me, and possibly you. And there’s not much more in the muggle world either, trust me.” Her eyes widened at the mention of muggles and their progressiveness, while it was far ahead of the wizarding world, every time they took one step forward, they pushed back four.
“I just don’t know if I wish he was a girl.” Sirius realized what he said, his body itching in terror. Riss nodded to Sirius softly, making sure he understood what he had said before they continued. “Fuck, what is wrong with me? How could I say something like that?” Sirius was pacing in short steps back and forth, Riss patiently waiting for him to calm down.
“Sirius? It’s alright,” Riss placed their hand on his shoulder gently, trying their best not to startle him. Sirius has had panic attacks before, more than he’d like to admit, but this was different. There was a long break of awkward silence between the two, the loud background filling it nicely the longer they stayed silent. Riss sighed, their breath heavy as they decided how to condone Sirius.
“Love and beauty are terror. Whatever we love, we may call it beautiful, but we will quiver before it.” Sirius had no idea what Riss meant by this, but he knew one day, he’d understand. They were like that, they always said things that made little to no sense in the moment, but you understood them later- it was guaranteed. Sirius swore Pandora and Riss were related at times, their eerie voices and mysterious statements always left him the same. Riss walked away, patting Sirius on his shoulder as they sat in a loveseat, watching their girlfriend on the table in awe. Sirius was jealous of that, he wanted someone to be able to stare at in awe, reminded of their beauty again and again as if it were the first time he laid his eyes on them. He felt as if it were true with Remus, but could he classify that as friendship?
Another girl came up to Sirius, this time a Hufflepuff- which was not shocking. He’d gone through this many times before, but not with Remus burning a hole with his fiery glare into Sirius’s chest. Sirius turned his body half away, trying to focus his attention on the girl in front of him. She was telling him about her friends and interests, but he just wanted to do one thing. Sirius had natural charisma, one that won almost anybody over, and he was hoping it’d do just the thing right now. His body leaned against the wall, his arms crossed as his left hand grasped his drink. He stared intently at the girl, not paying attention to anything she was saying. She was still rambling, her hands being thrown places as she talked.
“Can I kiss you?” He pushed a strand of hair away from her face, leaning his mouth close to her ear.
“I uhm-er uh-” Her lips collided with his as she leaned forward, hoping her body language answered the question better than her words. His arms had uncrossed themselves, instinctively wrapping themselves around her waist and pulling her close. Her hands hooked around his neck, playing with the stray hairs that laid at the nape of his neck. He pulled away, admiring how she looked. Her lips were puffy and red, her eyes shining with happiness and her mouth turned upwards in a smile.
“How about,” Sirius twirled her hair in his pointer finger, gripping his drink tightly in the other hand. “We go to Hogsmeade, yeah?” She nodded eagerly, awaiting further detail. “Next Sunday work?” She said nothing more, nodding quickly as she smiled widely. “Brilliant,” Sirius smirked towards her as she stood there, his gaze slowly turning to a fuming Remus. His knuckles gripped tightly around his cup, nearly white at this point. His body was clenched tightly, not daring to move and miss Sirius flirting with somebody else. His eyes stared at the Hufflepuff next to Sirius, wondering what she had that he didn’t. Well, she was a girl. That was the start to a bloody long list he was about to mentally create.
But, Remus was confused. Why did he care so much about this? His heart was racing and his face felt warm, it shouldn’t matter to him who Sirius shags. Was he jealous? He couldn’t possibly be jealous, right? Remus’s thoughts came to a halt when someone ran into him, quickly pulling him from his daydreams.
“Oh er-um my bad mate,” The boy stuck his hand out, patiently waiting for Remus to take the hint.
“It’s alright, oh um,” Remus finally connected his hand with the boy’s, shaking it awkwardly and pulling him up from the floor. “Sorry, I’m kinda bad with social cues.” Remus offered a small smile, the boy returning it eagerly.
“Don’t be sorry, I’m Nathaniel by the way.”
“Remus.”
“I feel like I know you, do I?”
“Maybe?” Remus shrugged his shoulders, not recognizing the boy. He wasn’t in any house garb so Remus couldn’t differentiate him from other Nathaniels he’s met- (the list wasn’t long.)
“I guess not, I’m just rambling on now. Bloody brilliant.” Remus chuckled at Nathaniel’s nervousness, finding it cute. Nobody’s ever really been this nervous around him before. Remus may have been tall, but he was skinny and frail, not usually someone to be intimidated by. “What’s so funny?” Nathaniel’s face was unreadable, an odd mixture of emotions brewed in his main features as he stared at Remus.
“Nothing, I just think the rambling is cute,” Remus shrugged and took a sip of his drink, the first one in quite a while. He hadn’t been doing much drinking tonight, his thoughts too busy elsewhere to focus on his cup. Nathaniel blushed a bit, hoping it wasn’t as noticeable as he knew it was.
Nathaniel was an attractive boy, there was no doubt about it. Remus was surprised they hadn’t met before, they seemed so similar. Remus couldn’t help but stare at the scar above Nathaniel’s left eye, the silver and red tones clashing with his dark skin. His skin was dotted with freckles, and while nearly invisible, it made all the difference to Remus. It looked as though there were stars upon his face- and Remus loved it. They talked for quite a while, eventually moving away from the party and into the Gryffindor common room.
“Take a guess.”
“I have no clue! You seem like you’d easily be a Hufflepuff- I mean you’re so bloody kind, you’re easily approachable, and have everything Hufflepuffs have! But mate, you’re practically a genius. You’re bloody brilliant! Could easily be a Ravenclaw too. Slytherin is out of the question though, there is no bloody way in hell you could be a Slytherin.” Nathaniel laughed softly, his mouth turned upwards into a smile as he leaned his back on the coffee table in front of the couch. His body was leaning against the table, and his legs crossed, all while he looked up at a gleaming Remus on the couch.
“Hufflepuff, I’m a Hufflepuff.” Remus gasped with sarcasm as if to say ‘I knew it!’
“I knew it.”
“I didn’t want to say anything about my house, as typically that changes people's perception of me or something. It’s interesting because when I was sorted, the fucking hat was contemplating Slytherin!” Nathaniel started mocking the brown and wrinkled hat now, forcing a loud laugh from Remus. “It was so confusing! Because all I could hear in my ears were his words like ‘You’d do good in Gryffindor, or Slytherin but what about Ravenclaw?’ It was bloody confusing Remus, I’ll tell you that much.” He took a sip of his drink, watching Remus’s laugh die down into a wide smile, his face warm with color.
“It’s true though, I mean my experience wasn’t luxurious either. But can anybody enjoy sitting on a stool with an old brown hat on their head? Especially one that’s been on thousands of heads.” Remus grimaced at the thought, wondering how many of those first-year kids could’ve had lice or some disease like that. He remembers one of his mates from the children's home, Grant, got lice when they were both 9 and it was not a fun experience.
“You’re not wrong, it could spread lice!” Nathaniel exclaimed loudly, covering his mouth immediately after. Both of them were pretty sober, not needing the burning pleasure of liquor to enjoy themselves. Remus enjoyed being around Nathaniel, he was bubbly and kind and funny, he was everything Remus wished he was. Remus felt like he could be himself around Nathaniel, and yes his leg bounced with speed and his laughter was nervous, but Nathaniel’s presence soothed most of that.
There was a long silence, but nobody found it awkward. The sounds of wood burning and flames flying filled the air, with the occasional body movement making a small sound. Remus was enjoying himself with someone other than the Marauders- something he hadn’t done in a very long time.
“So Rem, wait sorry- can I call you that?” Nathaniel looked up to Remus, hoping for one answer- yes.
“Mhm, but only if I can call you Nate.”
“Deal. So Rem, Tell me about you. I feel like I only know a bit about you and you know my whole life story.” Nate quickly looks down, laughing awkwardly as Remus stares at his mouth- from afar it could look creepy, but the way Nate’s lips curled at the ends made Remus melt. He couldn’t help but stare.
“What do you wanna know?” Remus leaned his back against the couch, his eyes never moving away from Nate’s face.
“Do you have a favorite color?” Nate finally looked up, done with his fit of awkward laughter.
“Mate, purple is obviously the only right answer to that question.” Remus stood his ground firmly, about to start a war he couldn’t fight.
“What?! Purple?” Nate’s eyes shone with awe, both in how proud Remus was of this, but the utter surprise.
“Yes!” Remus had leaned forward now, reaching next to Nate’s face to place his drink on the table. His hand brushed Nate’s cheek, sending goosebumps up both boys' bodies. Nate was warm, his skin was soft and Remus could feel a bit of stubble on the side of his cheeks. “Mate, there are so many variations to the color! Just hear me out,”
“I’m listening.” Nate’s arms crossed themselves, his eyes narrowed and brows furrowed as he stared at Remus, awaiting a proper explanation as to why purple was the best color.
“Good.” Nate’s eyes widened with shock at Remus’s sudden boldness, a character trait he hadn’t exhibited all night. Look, there’s lavender, right? Which is more of a spring and summer type purple. But then you have the dark purple, like the color of Dumbledore’s robes!” Remus snapped his fingers and pointed, a habit he had formed over the years. Nate let out a hearty chuckle, his body moving forward as he laughed. “What? It’s true! I swear that man is always wearing purple.”
“You’re quite right, maybe that’s one thing you have in common with the old bat.” Remus snorted loudly, sending a smile right to Nate’s face. Despite them just meeting not even five hours ago, Remus felt as if he’d known Nate for years. And merlin, as much as he tried to discard the thought, he could only think about kissing him. He wanted to believe that it was the bits of liquor talking, he knew it was. His thoughts lingered, he didn’t care if it was the liquor he just wanted to feel their lips connect, crashing into one another's as their mouths moved in unison, hands tangled with each other, and bodies heating quickly- that’s all he wanted right now.
Nate’s hands let go of his drink, placing it next to Remus’s on the table. His hands slowly reached for Remus’s, their eyes locking the closer their hands came to each other. Nate’s body moved not an inch, their b0dies already being fairly close from the moment they sat down. Remus’s hands stayed in the same spot, his fingers spread out right above his knee, and no matter how close Nate’s hands got, his stayed still. Remus didn’t want his hands to move, he wanted to feel the warmth of Nate on him, their skin touching. It may seem childish, but them holding hands would’ve made Remus melt- he wouldn’t have needed anything more. Nate’s hand brushed Remus’s, his fingers soft to the touch as his hand lingered above Remus’s. Nate flipped Remus’s hand over, slowly interlocking their fingers and holding Remus’s hand close. The feeling of their skin touching made each boy’s stomach erupt with butterflies, their hearts playing hopscotch over their ribs as the beats quickened inside their chests. Remus had no idea what this feeling was, or why he was feeling it, but he loved it. The feeling of his stomach erupting into hundreds of butterflies at the touch of one boy- it was intoxicating. Nate pulled their intertwined hands closer to his face, kissing Remus’s hand as he looked the scarred boy in the eyes. Remus felt as if he may just faint, Nate was a sight to see.
Remus was never one to make the first move, he wasn’t bold enough- but he admired the way Nate did anything with no hesitance and such force. In this moment, Remus felt as if they mutually could understand each other within the silence of the room. Remus felt like Nate knew all of his secrets, even the one he was most ashamed of. Nate’s free hand reached Remus’s cheek, his thumb grazing Remus’s jawline. His eyes were intently focused on Remus’s face, his lips pursed as he tracked each scar to its end with his pale eyes. Most of Remus’s scars were faded now, it had been three weeks since the last moon so they were no longer a bright red. His senses were heightened, allowing him to smell the wood and hints of liquor on Nate’s sweater. Nate had stood up now, his hands on either end of Remus’s shoulder, holding himself up. His pale green eyes darted between Remus’s lips and eyes, not sure which to focus on. Remus himself couldn’t help but stare at Nate’s lips. The lighter pink color on the top and a slight brown on the bottom lip. Remus licked his lips out of habit, making Nate go nearly crazy. He shuffled in his place, his thumb picking at the skin in his palm out of nervousness. While normally Remus wouldn’t be able to hear these things, every last movement Nate made traveled straight through Remus’s ears. Nate leaned into the side of Remus’s face, dragging his lips across Remus’s cheek the closer he came to the boy's ear.
“C-can I kiss you?” If Remus were standing, his knees would’ve buckled. Nate’s voice was raspy and hot against his skin, sending goosebumps along his spine and a bright red blush to his face.
“Merlin, yes.” Remus sounded desperate, and as much as he didn’t want to believe it, he was. As soon as he said that, lips flew into contact with his, and Remus shuffled in place. The kiss was messy, hands reaching for any patches of skin they could find, wanting to feel the warmth of each other's skin. It was awkward, and as much as Remus wished they weren’t making out poorly on the common room couch, he wished they were. His thoughts and their romantics were quickly interrupted by a drunk Sirius and James running in through the portrait.
“Pr-prongs, hear me out alright!” Sirius continued babbling as James was hitting Sirius’s arm to curve his attention to the couch in front of them. While Nate and Remus had stopped kissing, Nate hadn’t moved from hovering above Remus- raising some suspicion.
“Moony?” Sirius looked at his friend below another guy, feeling a new feeling brew in his gut. It could be the liquor, or it could be what he had seen, but his stomach churned. And as quickly as he could, Sirius ran to the nearest plant in the common room, vomiting in the soil.
“Bloody hell Pads!” Nate moved off of Remus as soon as he saw Sirius run, watching as Remus rushed over to his friend puking in a large potted Snake plant. James was standing there having no clue what to do, his drunkenness prohibiting him from doing much to begin with. Sirius had bent over, resting his hands on his knees as he panted over the plant. Sirius was good with holding his liquor, that is what he was known for. It was quite rare for him to be sick after drinking, unless he drank a lot.
“Remus, I’m gonna head back to my common room. See you tomorrow?” Nate had collected both his and Remus’s drinks, feeling the need to clean up the areas he and Remus sat at. Remus had rested his hand on Sirius’s back, providing a bit of comfort for his friend.
“Yeah, sorry about this. I had a great time though.” Remus smiled sadly, having truly enjoyed himself with Nate. He didn’t want the time to end, but Sirius was puking in a plant so there wasn’t much he could do to save the moment.
“Don’t worry about it, Rem.” Nate hadn’t made it far from the couch yet, walking to the other side of the room to kiss Remus on the cheek as he gave a sympathetic smile to the boy.
Sirius had stopped puking, but he still stood bent over the leaves of the plant, trying not to poke his eye out on the pointy ends of the plant. Sirius was trying to think of anything else, but the way Nate spoke to Remus, the way he called him Rem, it all made him furious. For years, Sirius had been the only one to call Remus that, and now somebody else was using it. How could he not be furious?
“Let’s go back to the dorm, yeah?” Remus urged James to walk back up to the dorm also, seeing as he was pretty plastered too. Remus walked with Sirius up the stairs, holding his waist to make sure he wouldn’t fall on the stone steps. Their dorm was one of the last ones up the stairs, making it fairly difficult for Remus to mount Sirius up the entire way. Sirius wasn’t exactly being quiet either, he kept ramming his shoulder into the wall, tripping until Remus caught him, and by the time they were three doors away, Frank Longbottom had come out of his dorm in an attempt to yell at them to shut up.
“Some of us want to sleep, you know.” He stood at the top of the stairs, his arms crossed over his robe as he stared at the two.
“You look like a mother, Frank.” Remus chuckled as he practically dragged Sirius up the steps, looking up to see Frank in a robe and socks, his arms crossed and hair a mess. “Come help me yeah? Fucker had way too much to drink.” Frank rushed to the step Remus was on, lifting up Sirius’s other side, easing the amount of weight Remus was carrying.
“Sirius never drinks this much, what the fuck happened?” Frank was leaning most of Sirius’s body weight onto his own shoulder, allowing Remus to just provide a bit of support.
“No bloody clue, I left after an hour.” Frank shrugged and stopped in front of the boys' dorm, waiting for Remus to turn the knob. “You didn’t even show.” Frank laughed softly, letting go of Sirius once they got to the closest bed.
“Never been one for the Ravenclaw parties, plus I was with Alice for quite a while.” Franks' hands sat on his hips, his eyes focused on a curled-up Sirius. “You can stay with him, yeah?”
“Mhm, my ‘date’ left after he puked in the bush, so I’m kinda stuck with him.”
“Is being stuck with him a bad thing?”
“Yes.” James chimed in, his body sitting up far too quickly for his drunk body, and as soon as he was up, he was falling right back down onto Peter’s bed.
“No, but I was enjoying myself.” Frank mouthed something nearly unreadable and was off to bed. His scent lingered in the room, oranges, and cinnamon. Remus could smell a vile mixture of scents, including liquor, puke, and oranges. He did his best not to run to the bathroom and vomit, trying to focus himself on getting Sirius not to choke on his own vomit. Sirius was curled in a ball on Remus’s bed, the one that happened to be closest to the door and not occupied. His knees were folded into his chest, his arms hugging his body close to itself for warmth. Remus pulled a chair next to Sirius’s bed, facing the drunk boy as he read The Hobbit for the third time. During the week before a full moon, Remus was either exhausted and irritable, or energetic and irritable- with very few times in between.
“Moony?” Sirius didn’t lift his head from the mattress, his eyes cemented shut as he spoke. “Can you lay with me? I don’t wanna be alone.” Sirius wiped his mouth with his wrist, drool leaving the corners of his lips as he lay there with his mouth slightly agape. Remus was taken aback, Sirius was never touchy when he was drunk. Sirius had three different people he could become when he was this drunk, touchy was not one of them. He was either horny, angry, or needy; sometimes all three- and none of them were fun to be around.
“Oh er- Pads, I don’t know.” Remus had folded the corner of his page, placing the book on James’s bed behind him. “You’re pretty drunk.”
“Please Moons?” Remus felt his heart break at the crack in Sirius’s voice, and he soon found himself climbing into a bed with his friend. Neither of them were under a blanket, Sirius being too warm from the liquor to need one, and Remus not wanting to move Sirius to get his own. He kept a good distance from Sirius, just laying on the bed with Sirius- not laying with him. Sooner than later, Sirius snuggled himself into a slightly curled Remus, nuzzling their bodies as close as he could. Remus froze in his place, having no idea where to place his limbs. His arm rested awkwardly at his side, feeling weird anytime he tried to move it elsewhere. Although Sirius was absolutely shitfaced, he still managed to pull Remus’s arm over his stomach, resting their hands awfully close. Remus’s breath hitched in his throat, Sirius smelt of a multitude of different liquors, plants, puke, and cigarettes. One thing stuck out the most, and that was his usual scent of cigs. The smoke scent was stuck in his clothes now, giving him a signature smell. Remus could hear the rise and fall of Sirius’s chest, his breaths in and out as he lay there. His breathing wasn’t slow, but it wasn’t abnormally quick either. The longer they lay there, the slower his breathing got.
“Rem?” Sirius’s voice was soft and raspy- the epitome of exhaustion.
“Yeah, Pads?”
“I really wish you were a girl.” Remus’s heart shattered into pieces of glass in his chest, the glass sharp enough to slice through his skin- and he hoped it would. Remus lay there, thinking about the multitude of people Sirius had been with, all of them being girls. Remus had always regretted his existence, even more so after the bite, and he couldn’t help but wonder if he should be here right now, alive.