Albus sat on his bed, hugging his legs as his father's angry words blared into his ears. He had heard it all so many times before, but the words still stung. His eyes were focused on nothing in particular, though they stayed wide open with hardly any blinks. He forced them to stay open, trying his hardest to focus on anything besides the tears which dared to escape.
"I mean, come on, Albus!" Harry scolded, holding a piece of parchment with Albus' grades on them and hitting it with his whole hand, vaguely pointing to the information listed on it. "Not a single O? A's and P's and even D's in some of your classes? I mean, Merlin, Albus. You got a P in POTIONS! I know you're good at that, so how did you get a P? Are you even trying??"
Albus wasn't trying, truth be told. Well, he was, but it was hard for him to. He couldn't even get out of bed some days, and going to class was even more challenging. When he did manage to force himself to go to class, he could hardly pay attention. With the bullying and his constant swirling memories of everything that had happened to him when Delphi was involved, Albus had become particularly depressed.
He hadn't told Harry this, of course, as he thought he wouldn't care. Albus hated speaking to Harry when he was upset. He disregarded all of Albus' feelings, only caring about making him feel worse about himself. Albus especially hated when he cried in front of Harry while Harry was angry with him.
"Why are you crying?" Harry asked, his voice raised. "You brought this on yourself, you aren't working hard!"
Albus hadn't even noticed he was crying. He buried his face into his arms, sniffling.
"You aren't even paying attention to me," Harry exhaled, his arms dropping to his side with frustration. "You don't care, do you? You don't care if you pass or fail, right Albus?"
Albus didn't speak- he couldn't.
"I don't know why you act like this," Harry sighed, his anger evident despite the decrease in his volume. "James and Lily are both motivated students, and you- you're just– lazy."
That stung.
Albus knew James and Lily were smart. Smarter than him. They tried harder, too. Albus was overly aware of this, but he still hated having it rubbed in his face. He knew he would never be like them. And, he tried. He always tried to impress his father, but all of his attempts failed. Harry would never see him as anything more than a lazy disappointment of a son.
"I'm not lazy," Albus finally managed to spit out, slightly lifting his head. His eyes had started to water again.
Harry scoffed. "You aren't? Then what's your excuse for these grades? Not to mention you've been disruptive in class, not participating in any extracurriculars-"
"Please, dad," Albus squeaked, his voice broken by the tears he held back. He stared at his knees, slightly rocking back and forth. "I'm- I'm trying." He was slightly shocked by his own words. He usually argued with his dad. They usually fought and yelled at each other, but Albus found that he couldn't even bring himself to raise his voice. He couldn't muster up a single word to defend himself. He felt weak.
"Are you really, Albus Severus?" Harry snapped. "Because it doesn't fucking look like you are."
"I am, dad," Albus' voice was barely audible. He cleared his throat, beginning to speak louder. "I'm trying, but it- it's so hard. Everything is so hard."
"What does that mean?" Harry's voice softened, but it still had an edge to it.
Albus shook his head.
"Albus, what are you talking about?" Harry tried to get any information out of him.
"I- I just," Albus forced the words out, trying to think of a way to say anything without it sounding like he was just making excuses. "Ever since... since she happened, I've just felt- horrible. I've felt awful and- and I've been struggling just to get out of bed everyday."
"She?" Harry pressed, clearly confused by Albus' ramblings.
"Delphi, dad," Albus said quietly, the words paining him as they escaped his lips.
"Oh, Delphi," Harry breathed, his tone softening.
"I can't-" Albus squeezed his eyes shut, swallowing down another wave of emotion. "I can't do anything without thinking of- of her. And- the bullying has gotten worse- and I just-" Albus sobbed, lowering his head. "I don't know how much more of this I can take."
Harry stared at his son, truly seeing his pain for the first time. An immense wave of guilt suddenly washed over him. He looked around Albus' room, noticing the mess which he'd made. Piles of clothes scattered the room, there were plates of food and empty cups littering his desk, and his school books had been thrown on the floor. He looked back at his son, noticing how his appearance had changed from the year prior. He had become slightly skinnier, and his dark curly hair had grown longer. He usually cut it on his own, but he seemed to be growing it out now. The teen was wearing the same clothes he'd been wearing the whole week, and his hair was greasy and tangled in the back. He looked terrible.
Harry felt guilty looking at his son. He hadn't realized the stress he was under. Harry had only focused on what he wanted out of Albus- good grades, a good social life, a balanced school life- that he never noticed that Albus was neglecting himself.
"I'm.. sorry for yelling at you," Harry took a seat beside the small boy on his bed.
Albus sniffled, wiping his nose with the sleeve of his green hoodie.
"I want you to be happy, Albus," Harry spoke.
"It doesn't seem like it," Albus muttered.
Harry sighed. "I know- and I'm sorry. I really am. I just, I want the best out of you, and I realized that what's best for me isn't what's best for you."
Albus looked away, unsure if he was angry at his father or if he was just disappointed with himself.
"You're a smart kid, Albus, you really are. Your grades aren't indicative of that, but I know you are. Everyone struggles, that's just a part of life. But- I'm glad you could tell me about it."
Albus glanced up at his father, taking in his words. There was something different about his father's voice, something he hadn't heard in a long time. He sounded like he truly cared. Albus didn't know if he always sounded like this, or perhaps he had just chosen to believe he didn't care. Whatever it was, he knew he cared at that exact moment.
"I'm here for you, Albus," Harry continued. "Whatever you need to talk about, I promise I will listen. And if you don't want to talk to me, you can talk to your mother or James or Lily- or we can get you a therapist if you'd like."
"You… would do that for me?" Albus looked up, his voice soft.
Harry nodded. "Of course," He thinned his lips, thinking about what Albus said earlier. "I didn't know you felt that way, Albus. That.. that's horrible. That's a horrible way to feel, and I don't want you to feel like that. I know how it feels to not want to keep going. To feel like everything is hopeless. And- you need to know that I'm always going to be here for you. I'm trying my best to be a good dad for you, Albus, and I may not be perfect or even close to it, but I'll always be here for you."
Albus sniffled, nodding slowly.
"How long have you been feeling like this?" Harry prodded carefully.
"Um," Albus considered lying, knowing that would get him nowhere. He decided against it. "A few years. Probably my first year at Hogwarts, but- it's gotten bad recently. Really, really bad.”
Harry felt tears collect in his eyes, and he tried to blink them away. He didn't know his son was hurting this badly. "You haven't tried to... you know, have you?"
"Tried to what?" Albus asked.
"To... kill yourself?" Harry clarified, wincing after the words left his mouth.
Albus paused, his mouth opening and closing as he thought about how to answer. His stomach twisted as he racked his brain for an answer.
"N- no," Albus finally answered, shaking his head. "I- I haven't. But, I've.. thought about it."
Albus' admission caused Harry’s heart to sink. He didn't know how to respond to this. He didn't think that was something Albus would be thinking about, especially at his age. He was so young.
Albus started to cry again, the silence growing uncomfortably loud. His body tensed as he felt a pair of arms wrap around him. Harry pulled him into a tight hug from the side, and Albus could hear his father crying for, quite possibly, the first time ever. Harry hardly ever opened up in front of Albus, which is why Albus started to cry harder upon hearing his father's quiet sniffles.
“I love you, Albus, I really do,” Harry whispered, his voice broken. “I need you to know that.”
“I know, dad,” Albus forced the words out. “I.. I love you, too.”
Albus could practically hear his father’s tension melt away when he said those words. Harry pulled away from the hug, his eyes burning into Albus’ skin. Albus kept his gaze down, unable to look at his father.
“Do you..?” Harry inquired, his voice fragile and, honestly, slightly pathetic. If Albus wasn't so sad, he would have laughed. It was strange hearing his father like this.
“Yes, dad,” Albus answered, nodding quickly. “I do, it's just- it’s hard to, sometimes.”
Harry let out a small, pained laugh. “Yeah,” He exhaled. “I bet it is.”
“I bet it's hard to love me, too,” Albus whispered.
“No, Al,” Harry bit his lip. “Albus. It isn't. Not at all.”
For some reason, this hurt Albus to hear. It hurt more than anything else his father had said, simply because Albus didn't believe it was true.
“I might get mad at you,” Harry started. “A lot, but I've never stopped loving you throughout all of it.”
“You don't have to lie,” Albus muttered bitterly. He heard his father inhale shakily.
“I'm not,” Harry persisted. “Albus, you really believe I don't love you?”
Albus stayed quiet. He felt strangely guilty. He didn't know why.
“Do you?”
“I don't know, dad,” Albus sputtered weakly, embarrassed by the tone of his voice as soon as it left his lips. He sounded weak. He hated sounding weak in front of his father. “If you love me, it just feels like– like you love me the least.”
He heard a sob come from his father, and he looked up, his heart falling. He realized everything he’d thought for years wasn't true.
“I'm sorry, Albus,” Harry was finally the one to look away, staring at the floor. “I'm sorry for making you feel like that. I didn't know that- I didn't know you felt that way.”
Albus gently placed his arms around his dad, for quite possibly the first time since he was a hopeful child. The motion shocked Harry just about as much as it shocked Albus. Harry didn't hug back, and Albus could only assume he was taken aback by the gesture. As much as Albus wanted to pull away from embarrassment, he couldn't bring himself to. He thought about how James would never let him live this down if he walked in and saw this.
“I'm going to be a better dad for you, Albus,” Harry’s voice was gentle. “I know I've said it before, but I mean it. I'm going to try harder.”
“I'll try to be a better son, dad,” Albus replied.
“That isn't your responsibility,” Harry pulled away hesitantly, placing his hand on his son’s thigh. Albus wasn't used to this amount of physical contact between him and, well, anyone, but especially between him and his father. He didn't realize how much he needed it. “You are- an incredible son. Just because you aren't like Lily or James doesn't mean you aren't worthy of love.”
Well, fuck.
Those words sent a pain through Albus’ stomach. He had been struggling for years, and the thing he struggled the most with was love. Growing up the black sheep of the family, and basically Hogwarts, it was hard for him to believe he really deserved love. Hatred was constantly shoved in his face, and he faced reminders every day that he was weird. That he was nothing like his father. That he was a disappointment. He got upset about it, but he eventually learned to deal with it. It became a part of life. He had grown to believe that all of his failures were his fault, and he believed that he wasn't worthy of love. He believed that his suffering was justified, because he was a terrible son and a terrible wizard. No matter how hard he tried to change people’s minds about him, he knew he would always be Harry Potter’s unimpressive Slytherin son. He knew he would always be the least favorite.
It felt weird to hear otherwise. It felt unnatural, yet it made him feel incredible.
He felt tears prick at his eyes again, and he let out an agonized laugh. “I don't think I've ever cried this much in my whole life,” He sniffled, wiping his eyes.
“Neither have I,” Harry chuckled, exhaling.
The two sat next to each other in silence, and for the first time, Albus felt good about his last name.