Meaningless Meanings
James and Remus felt like they had explored nearly every inch of the ship, at least the places they were allowed go. The ship was a maze and James is sure that they have still missed half of the ship. James was itching to go into the first class lounges but they stuck out like sore thumbs in areas like that and anyway, most first class areas were restricted to first class only. James thought it was a bit ridiculous, why spend the money on designing such lavish rooms when half of the passengers can't even access them. James had heard there was Turkish baths and a swimming pool on board the ship, but for men like him and Remus, thinks like that simply remained a myth. Things like that were only available to the first class passengers with their million pound fortunes and ridiculously gaudy jewels. James never envied them though, the opposite really he pitied them, he didn't believe any of them could truly be happy. Yes, he knows the money must be nice, but every one of them was a carbon copy of the other the same straight back and expressionless face, making conversation on nothing of real substance just meaningless meanings. They sit around their big fancy dining tables, every person trying to be the best, competing with each other for who can be the snobbiest really. James was just happy to be on the ship, it was a wonder and James didn't think it would ever stop impressing him simply happy with the fact that he had a place to sleep with clean bed sheets.
The ship was more crowded now, with more people having boarded at Cherbourg and Queenstown, but James thought the ship was too big to ever really feel crowded. The captain, Albus Dumbledore had ordered the final boiler to be lit so the ship was now going at full speed, sailing smoothly away from the West Coast of Ireland.
"Looks nice out, want to go up on deck? wave goodbye to the last bit of land we'll be seein' for the next while?" he turned to Remus who was trying to clean his boots to look 'sharper'. James thought no amount of boot polish could make them fit in with even the second class passengers but Remus liked his things to be clean so he let him on.
"Yeah, just let me put my boots back on" Remus said and gave his boots one last rub with the old strip of t-shirt before putting them back on before standing up, stretching and then moving toward the door.
The breeze was warm up on deck, the spring sun finally starting to warm up. There was a good few people walking around up on deck, mostly second and third class in this area but the odd first class passengers lingered too but not for long. James dragged Remus with him down the deck right up to the bow of the ship and starts leaning far over, fascinated with the waves and how high above the water they were.
"Look Remus! Look!" he starts slapping Remus' arm and pointing down to the toward the waves to the hazy shape of dolphins below. James was filled with a child like excitement at seeing the dolphins, something he had never seen before and he turns to Remus, smile bright and still excitedly pointing towards the dolphins which were now starting to jump above the water, as if putting on a show for the two boys above and racing the ship.
"I can see America already, its small but I can see it James I swear", this makes James climb up on the railing and whoop and holler punching his fist into the air screaming " WE DID IT REM! WE'RE THE KINGS OF THE WORLD!". The two of them start hollering then, breathless in their excitement as they stare out at the waves, glistening with the light of the sun high in the sky.
Grin not leaving his face he turns to Remus "Can you believe it? Barely a cent to our names and we're on the grandest ship in the world. The fucking ship of dreams for God's sake".
"I'm still not convinced this isn't a dream" Remus says, his grin matching James' own.
"Want me to pinch you? I'll do it" he says stepping toward Remus, who can tell James doesn't intend to just pinch him but give him a.. friendly attack. "C'mon Rem, need to convince you that your not dreaming" he says creeping closer again. At this Remus all but starts sprinting away from James, who runs full speed behind him laughing loudly and not caring if they are disrupting other passengers but it isn't much of a problem as there isn't many passengers at this part. James had always been the sportier of them and catches up quickly, grabbing Remus and pulling him into a headlock and starting to violently ruffle his hair.
"Well? Are you dreamin' ? Are you dreamin' Remus!?" James says while still laughing loudly.
"Alright! Alright! Not a dream then It's not a dream. Let me go James!" Remus surrenders, pushing at James to let go.
James relents but not without messing up Remus' hair one last time. They're both laughing now as Remus starts fixing his hair, giving James a shove for good measure. He throws his arm around Remus and asks if he would like to explore some more which Remus refuses but caves and agrees when James starts to beg him like a child, likely giving in because he was getting annoyed. They decide to go back down to their room so that James can get his sketchbook and sit up on deck drawing some people. He never goes anywhere without his sketchbook, it's his one comfort and a reminder of his parents who passed away a few years ago. His mother was an artist and his inspiration so he's kept drawing because materials are easier to come by than paint and its a way to still feel close to his mother. James misses both his parents greatly but at least with his drawings he's able to still remember them, keep a bit of them with him all the time. James likes to draw people naturally, when their unaware they are even been drawn at all. He likes to study them, their expressions and movements and create a story for each person he draws. He likes to think he has become good at reading people because he spends so much time studying them when he draws. When back up on deck James spots a father and daughter, heart warming at the sight he sets himself up on a nearby bench and just observes, mapping out their shape before he gets to drawing.
Regulus hates this. Can't even label what it is exactly he hates because it just feels like every aspect of his day he hates. He sits in a first class restaurant and he is using all of his effort not to start violently banging his head against the table and maybe he would get lucky and fall unconscious, then he wouldn't have to listen to the people around him, could just not exist for awhile. That's all he wants, to not exist for awhile, just disappear. He doesn't want to die no but just escape and have some peace and not worry about his appearance or feel so trapped. He sits surrounded by men who only care about who has the higher number in their bank account or the prettiest wife who is most definitely far too young for them, flaunting their fortunes and the pretty woman on their arm. And the worst thing is Regulus has to pretend to be just like them, pretend to have strong opinions on politics and to brag and show off his soon to be wife. Every night as he goes to bed he feels disgusted, embarrassed by his act and wishes he could just scrub it all off and forget but he doesn't get the luxury of forgetting, of getting a break from it all because everyday he has to get up and do it all again. He never understood it really, the greed of the men that surround him constantly trying to one up each other. He wonders do they ever get tired of it, because Regulus is only seventeen and he already wants it to end.
The managing director of the ship, Bartemius Crouch Sr. starts speaking but Regulus really cant bring himself to listen to him or care about his bragging. His son Barty is one of Regulus' friends but Regulus knows Barty has a complicated relationship with his father so its no surprise Barty wasn't brought on the ship, his father most likely pretending his son is hard at work back home and couldn't leave the business. Regulus hates Barty's father, hates him for always making Barty feel like he isn't good enough even if Barty pretends that his fathers words don't bother him. He felt guilty for leaving Barty back in England even though he knows their other friend Evan is still there and that Regulus hopefully will be able to persuade his soon to be wife to return to England soon but he still didn't like leaving them, really because he needs them too. He hasn't even thought about how he's going to survive this without them there by his side keeping him sane through it all. The two of them have been helping Regulus for years, helping him through countless panic attacks when the pressure just because too much for him to handle. He owes them a lot and he really hopes he can return to England soon, missing them already as much as he hates to admit it and they did always make stuffy dinner parties and meetings better except in recent years Barty's father has stopped bringing him with him, ruining it on him a little more as if things weren't bad enough already.
"..And she really is the largest moving object in the whole world that has been made by the hands of men, and our brilliant shipbuilder Mr. Black is truly the mastermind behind it all". Regulus tunes in and wants to roll his eyes at Mr. Crouch's blatant attempt at flattery toward his uncle Alphard.
"Ah but I wouldn't have had a ship if it weren't for your ideas Mr. Crouch. You envisioned a ship so grand that it could never be challenged and without that vision we wouldn't have the ship we're sitting in now." He knocks on the table as if to solidify his point.
Regulus lights a cigarette, needing something to focus on other than the absolutely horrifically boring conversation around him. He is interested in the mechanics of the ship, he loves when his uncle talks about his projects but that's not what the other men are interested in. Instead, they would rather talk about the aspects of the ships that make it better than any other ship in the world, how they have the best first class amenities than any other ship or even better than hotels around the world.
"That is a filthy habit Regulus you know I don't like it" his mother whispers harshly from beside him. It seems like his patience is really being tested today and he resists the urge to snap back at her, instead choosing to look blankly at her while taking another drag, its not as like the majority of the men at the table don't smoke as well anyway.
"He knows" Thea answers his mother and before he knows it she's taking the cigarette from his hand and putting it out in the ashtray at the center of the table.
The waiter comes around around to take the orders and before he can even speak for himself Thea orders for the both of them, turning to him afterward to ask if he likes what she ordered for them. And if he wasn't angry at her stubbing out his cigarette he is angry now. Thea likes to tell him to watch what he eats, claiming to be looking out for his health along with suggesting different lifestyle habits because she 'wants what's best for him' and to keep her husband healthy' as if he wasn't fairly lean already.
His brother pipes up from the other side of the table " You want to cut his meat for him too? maybe spoon feed it to him while your at it?". Sirius has never been Thea's biggest fan, mainly because she stops Regulus from ever really being happy even though Regulus knows its not her fault really but also because she really is the exact opposite of Sirius. Regulus holds in a laugh at Sirius' comment while his mother shoots him a stern look from across the table. In an attempt to save himself, Sirius turns to Mr. Crouch feigning curiosity at the name Titanic.
"Well I wanted to come up with a name that perfectly captures her size and luxury.." Mr. Crouch proudly responds, happy to brag once again.
Regulus cuts him off, fed up with Mr. Crouch's bragging "Mr. Crouch, have you heard of Dr, Freud by chance? His ideas about the male preoccupation with size might happen to interest you". He watches Sirius try to suppress a laugh, almost choking on some bread as he does so.
"Regulus" His mother harshly whispers at him and before she can continue Regulus excuses himself from the table hell bent on getting as far away from the group of people as possible.
James had lost himself in his drawing, an Irish man, Peter Pettigrew had come over, Remus making friends with him and James contributing to conversation at times but mostly focusing on his drawing. Peter was a nice man, much like them he was coming to America in hopes of getting a better job, he had some money but most of it was saved and spent on getting his ticket for the Titanic. He was amused when Remus told them their tale of how they ended up on the ship. The sun was warm so the boys were making the most of it staying up on the deck, lounging around and observing the other passengers. James looks up, intending to address Peter but someone catches his eye from behind. A few feet away is probably the most handsome man James has ever seen in his life. The fact he finds the man attractive doesn't scare James anymore, he's moved around a lot some places in worse condition than others and he's needed the help of other company to keep himself warm at night or often using people as a way to have a place to stay for the night. James has seen a lot of people in his life, drawn them too but nobody compares to how he feels after setting eyes on this boy. He's dressed well, in a well fitted black suit (very well fitting James notes) and beautiful black curls that curl up just below his ear. He's far away and James can only see his side profile but he's overcome with the desire to get as close as he can to the boy, to map out all of his features, study every feature, any imperfection and never forget it. He wants to fill an entire sketchpad of him, and even then he doesn't think he could get enough of the beauty of this man. From where James is sitting he can see the man has what James can only describe as impeccable bone structure, high cheekbones and a strong and sharp jaw that James wants to run his hand along and try to convey in in drawings that he thinks no artist could replicate. James feels stuck, unable to look away completely enraptured with the boy perched against the railing of the deck above.
James is content to just sit and watch, thinks maybe he would be content to do nothing more but stare at this boy for the rest of his life. As if he can feels James' gaze on him the boy turns is head and looks directly at James but looks away almost immediately after, much to James chagrin. And oh- that just wont do James thinks, he's seen his whole face and felt his gaze and James will do just about anything to get this wonderful boy to look at him again, needs it- feels like he'll die if he doesn't look at him again. As if hearing James the boy turns again and looks directly back and James and James thinks he has just about melted into the decks below him, needs Remus to hold him steady because he doesn't think he can do it himself anymore. James isn't sure what to do anymore, he has the boys attention and he never wants to loose it, doesn't want to live without having this mans gaze on him every day. All too quick, another man approaches him, briefly speaking to him before the two of them head back inside, the boy not sparing James another glance, something which makes James' heart ache a little even if he feels stupid for it. Beside him he hears Remus suck in a deep breath when the other man came out and when James turns to him he can see a light dusting of pink of his cheeks and Remus' eyes gone wide. He turns to Remus and gives him a knowing grin, assuming Remus is feeling in a similar way to him but toward the other man.
Peter who picked up on where they were looking turns back to them "Ah forget it lads, men like that only look towards the likes of us if they need someone to clean their shoes or fill up their drink"
James huffs out a laugh and turns back to his drawing, trying to forget the desire to know exactly what eye colour the man had.
Sirius has always hated this lifestyle he stays because of Reg unable to leave him behind and he knows Regulus would never come with him if he left, he's in too deep to leave now. Admittedly things have gotten easier since Orion's passing, his mother forced to accept that he is the man of the house now. He'll never be happy, he knows that but he hopes maybe soon him and Regulus can form a plan, a way for both of them to be happy. After Regulus'... comment at lunch today Sirius volunteered to go find him, knowing his brothers short temper is like his own and he wouldn't want their mother or his fiancée coming to bring him back to the lunch. Something that would likely spark a fight. Regulus always like being outside, so Sirius goes out onto the deck first. He always liked the outdoors too, something the brothers had in common especially because they weren't allowed out into the garden much as children, their mother forcing them inside for lessons with their governess or various other curricular activities. They never got to play outside much as kids like the other children around them, their mother fearing that they would get dirty and embarrass her by daring to look so 'improper'. When were both around 5, their nanny would bring them outside for short walks, teaching them about the flowers in the gardens or insects they might come across but never let them touch them out of fear of dirt or germs.
Proving to be correct , Sirius finds Regulus out on the deck leaning against the railing. The weather is nice and the sun is shining he notes as he steps out onto the deck. Regulus is looking slightly to the left his attention focused on something or as Sirius soon notes, someone. A boy, around their age sits on the decks below, a sketchpad laying idle in his had, his bronze skin glowing in the sunlight and a pair of round thin framed glasses perched on his nose. Sirius approaches Regulus, gently grabbing his arm to get his attention, a knowing smirk on his face. "Come, mother will expect us in the suite when she returns". Regulus nods and goes to follow him and that's when Sirius sees him. He only sees him briefly but beside the man with glasses is a man Sirius is quite convinced is some form of demi God, the boy is ethereal in Sirius' opinion and there's no other way to describe him, sandy curls falling around his eyes and a friendly smile on his face that makes Sirius' heart soar. Sirius' steps stutter a little as they make eye contact right before Sirius steps through the doors back inside the ship. Its Regulus' turn to give Sirius a knowing look.