Precipice
Sirius could not stop thinking about the boy he saw earlier today. His tanned skin and beautiful sandy curls wasn't enough for Sirius. He wanted to know what he looked like in the mornings, what he sounded like when he laughed - Sirius thinks if his looks are anything to go by then his laugh must be divine. He wanted to be the one to make him laugh, all the time as much as he could.
All of these thoughts have led to Sirius' current mission. Finding that boy.
Judging by his clothes, Sirius assumed he was a third class passenger. He smiles, knowing it would greatly aggravate his mother if she knew he was pursuing a third class person, never mind that it was a boy
So that's what led to Sirius lurking around the D deck, in hopes of running into him somewhere. He was desperate and he didn't care, he was supposed to be at dinner with his mother and Regulus but he made an excuse not to go even if he felt guilty at leaving his brother.
Walking around D deck, Sirius couldn't help but feel bad. Sure, the quarters weren't bad but compared to his suite it didn't compare in the slightest. And for what ? What did Sirius do to deserve better accommodation than others on the ship? All he did was be born into the right family, the luck of the draw. It's not like he has worked and slaved for hours to get where he was. With the current state of the families business, Sirius thinks he deserves to be down here with the other third class passengers anyway.
Thinking of the ruins that is the family business puts him in a bad mood so he goes back to thinking of the boy from before. He feels a bit pathetic at the way his heart flutters a little just thinking of him. He's not quiet sure where he is on the ship anymore just turning corner after corner. He's about to turn another corner but stops when he almost runs into another person, both of them stopping just in time.
Sirius goes to apologies but the words die on his lips when he looks up and comes face to face with the boy from the deck. His mouth drops open a little but he quickly recovers, sticking his hand out for the other man to shake.
"Sorry, my bad.. er…I'm Sirius, Sirius Black" he hoped the boy wouldn't recognize the name and make a prejudice assumption about him.
"No worries, I'm Remus, Remus Lupin. Are you lost?". And Jesus Christ Sirius didn't think it was legal for someone to have such a borderline pornographic voice and he had barely spoken. Sirius didn't think he could handle a full conversation with Remus. Remus. Sirius was most definitely going to keep repeating the name now.
Sirius had just registered what Remus had said. "What?"
"Well it's just unusual to see pretty first class boys down around the likes of us" Sirius blushed at that. Pretty. Well Sirius was very grateful he spent the time searching for Remus.
Still blushing, Sirius tried to respond as nonchalantly as possible "Well maybe I just happened to be interested in a certain passenger from down here".
"Well, need help finding him then?". He was pretty sure Remus knew Sirius was talking about him but the smug smirk on his face suggests he wants Sirius to admit to it.
Gathering his courage and making his best attempt at being suave, he looked Remus up and down, making sure Remus was watching as he done it before replying "Don't worry, I've found him". When he returned his eyes to Remus he could see they had widened slightly, good, looks like he got the point.
"Well then, I suppose a poncy rich boy like you has never been to a real party before?" Remus says before walking in the direction he came from, eyebrows raised in question.
"Poncy? I'll have you know I happen to be a very cool person" he says puffing out his chest, which makes Remus laugh. And oh , Sirius was right his laugh was melodic, as ethereal as everything about him. As Remus led them to an unknown destination Sirius took the time to study him while engaging in bits of conversation. There was no words to describe Remus' beauty in Sirius' opinion. He doesn't understand it, he's seen pretty boys before but there's something about Remus that is just different in a way he can't explain. He feels drawn to him, a needle on a compass and Remus is true north and Sirius doesn't think he would have it any other way.
Now that Sirius is getting the chance to observe Remus up close he can really appreciate him. He’s taller, taller than he looked sitting down and Sirius just loves it, loves how he has to look up slightly to meet Remus' eyes. He has scars Sirius notes, the most intriguing one being the one on his lips that Sirius has to make an effort to stare at it, at the perfect shape of Remus' lips and the scar that splits the bottom left corner of his mouth. Its inviting and Sirius cant help it but really all he wants to do is just bite it. Remus' sandy curls are even better up close, a multitude of blondes and browns running through them that Sirius wants to run his fingers through, feel how soft they are if their look is anything to go buy. And his eyes- oh Sirius could look at them forever, a part of him even hopes maybe he can. His eyes are a beautiful fusion of brown and green and gold, the most beautiful gold that Sirius thinks he's just found a new favourite colour. Sirius wishes he was an artist, he'd dedicate galleries to Remus, to the slender build of his frame, canvases full of his eyes . He would create a shrine to Remus, the only divine being worth worshipping, and oh would Sirius worship him, down on his knees ready to be bent to Remus' will.
He's snapped out of his thoughts when Remus speaks again "So Sirius, what's your knowledge of traditional Irish music?"
"Erm, very limited I guess. Mother only allows us to play classical music." Suddenly feeling a little out of his depth, like Remus has so much more knowledge of the world than he does.
"Not a surprise, and let me guess you can play classical music too?"
"Just piano, mother tried to get me to learn violin but I was never any good and eventually just stuck with piano." He suddenly feels a little shy, aware of how pretentious he might sound.
Remus hums "Interesting, well you'll have to forget all that and enjoy some proper music tonight".
As he finishes the sentence he hears it, the lively sound of music and laughter coming from a room below them. Even from up here he can smell the cigarette smoke and the heat of the room, no doubt packed full of people. Sirius is excited, finally, finally an actual party not the so-called parties his mother drags him to where he sits sipping over priced brandy talking about politics he couldn't care less about with people he cares even less about.
"Scared posh boy?" Remus asks him, beautiful smirk on his face.
"Not at all" Sirius responds and to prove his points he grabs Remus' hand pulling him into the party a wider grin on his face than he's had in a long time.
Regulus has had his entire life planned out for him before he was even born, a carefully crafted script designed by his mother and father. A predestined future of galas, polo matches and excruciatingly boring business meetings. A script which he's expected to adapt for his future children.
He knew his life's plan, known it his whole life. There was no escaping it, he knew that.
He's sat in the main evening dining room on board the ship. Surrounded by so many people and he feels helplessly alone, Sirius having left him with some vague excuse. Regulus felt some petty anger toward Sirius for leaving him on his own, he never did feel able to cope with these dinners without Sirius. Every meal aboard this ship feels like a business meeting, constantly feeling analyzed and never able to escape.
Regulus sits silent, staring blankly at his plate wishing desperately that he could just leave. He doesn't think he wants to just leave the room though, he wants to leave it all. He wants desperately to just leave everything behind. He just feels so infuriated by the ridiculously empty chatter around him. He sits, wondering if these people even have souls or desires, dreams anything besides this brainless conversation he's regularly subjected to.
Without realizing it, Regulus is sat with one of the smaller forks grasped in his hand knuckles going white. He has his hand hidden below the cloth of the table, digging the fork into his leg just to feel something. Anything to remind him that he's present and can still feel. Regulus can't even stomach any food, never really can at gatherings like this, always loosing his appetite.
Having enough of it he excuses himself from the table, mumbling some vague excuse that has his fiancée and mother eyeing him as he walks from the room. He tries not to rush from the room or stumble as he tries his best to get out as quick as possible without seeming suspicious. He's not even sure where to go, just knows he couldn't last any longer in there. With Thea pressed to his side once again, the infuriatingly fake laughter of everyone surrounding him he had to get out. The weight of his future, a life condemned to this mediocrity was enough to send Regulus spiraling.
Before he knows it he's walking up toward the deck. Pulling at his tie and unbuttoning his shirt a bit so maybe he could try to breathe at least because even that was becoming a struggle. His shallow breaths came and went before he felt like he had even got any air at all. He tried to listen to the sound of his footsteps, the voices of people as he passed them, anything to keep him grounded. But he didn't really want to be grounded did he? Wanted so desperately to forget he was here at all. He wanted his mind to be empty of everything but it never was, constant streams of thoughts always flowing in his mind, never quieting even in sleep. And Regulus was tired. So very tired of it all.
He hadn't even realized what he was looking for until he was there. Standing at the stern of the ship, nothing but black beyond. He slowed then, taking smaller steps toward the railing. Hands shaking he gripped the railing, it was windy he noticed only because he could feel the tears he didn't realize had fallen cooling on his cheeks. He knew he couldn't do it, wouldn't be able to bring himself to do it. But it would fix things, wouldn't it?. He climbed up on the railing, his whole body trembling as he climbed over standing with back to the ship facing out into the deep darkness beyond. He looked down, the violent waves crashing against the edge of the ship. Distantly he wondered would it hurt, how long it would take for the water to take him as it's own.
"Whatever your thinking, don't". Regulus hadn't even registered someone behind him till he heard the voice. He whipped his head around and wished he hadn't because standing behind him was the boy he caught staring at him earlier today. He had found him objectively handsome, not thinking on it too much until now. With him standing here Regulus could see that here really was devastatingly handsome. And well, what a cruel reminder of everything Regulus wishes he could have but will never get.
"Stay back", its weak Regulus knows that but it's all he could say.
"Just, give me your hand I'll help you over". Regulus knows he should come back, but he can't do it, cant bring himself to make the move knowing he’s willingly coming back to a life he's miserable in.
"No. Just stay back or I'll jump. I swear it, I'll jump if you take another step". Regulus doesn't think he will and assumes the other man knows it too, but he also doesn't think he could handle this boy coming any closer to him.
"You're lying". He replies casually, as if Regulus isn't hanging off the back of a ship ready to jump and something about it soothes Regulus. He's not looking at Regulus like he's insane, just vague concern.
"Lying? And what makes you think you know me well enough to know I'm lying?" Regulus tries to sound harsh but it isn't working because he's scared, so very scared right now. Not just because he's hanging off the back of a ship but because he's scared to go back. Scared to return to his life, scared to continue living because it's not really living is it? Just surviving with the sole purpose of fulfilling his mothers wishes.
"I could. And anyway you would've done it already."
Regulus is confused now, "could? what do you mean could? could what?"
The boy responds easily "Well, if you gave me your hand I could know you. You said I didn't know you but if you come back over we could get to know each other" he shrugs after as though its the obvious answer. Regulus wants to laugh at the suggestion. Guessing by his clothes Regulus assumes he's in third class, and there would be no chance of Walburga allowing him to be acquainted with a third class passenger.
"Not a chance. Now leave, your distracting me". Regulus so very much wants him to just leave.
"No way, I'm not going anywhere until until you come back over. If you jump I've no choice but to go in after you"
Regulus is admittedly a little shocked. "That's absurd, nobody risks dying for a stranger" But even as he says it the boy across from him starts pulling of his jacket.
The boy grins, actually grins although it looks a little strained "Good thing I'm a good swimmer".
"The fall would kill you before you even get the chance to swim" Regulus tries not to think about he'll be jumping down there anyway.
"It'll hurt but that's not what I'm worried about" He comes closer but Regulus doesn't stop him. "Its the water" he continues, "water like that is freezing, like thousands of knives, all over your body at once"
Regulus hadn't thought about that, hadn't thought about any of it really, too overcome with the desire for it all to just stop.
The boy continues, closer again Regulus notes. "The pain is all-consuming. It's why I'm not looking forward to coming in after you but.." he shrugs again.
"Are you insane?" He can't help but asking. Confused at why he would do such a thing.
"Maybe. But I'm not the one threatening to jump off a ship here, no offence", a small nervous grin on his face, a nervous tick Regulus assumes.
"Now c'mon enough chit-chat. Give me your hand and lets get you warm inside."
Regulus stares. He had rarely seen such genuine and sincere kindness throughout his life, only really from his uncle Alphard and Sirius, his cousin Andromeda before she ran off with her husband too. It confused Regulus, how this boy so easily volunteered himself to jump in after Regulus, even if he never intended to, the care he treated Regulus with was something he didn't experience often.
In a brave moment, he reaches one hand around reaching for the other mans. He takes Regulus' hand, grasping it firmly and if this were under different circumstances Regulus might stop to appreciate how perfectly the other boys hand fits in his.
As Regulus starts to turn, the fear sets in. The realization that he is very high up and has decided to live hitting him now.
He manages to turn, almost regretting his decision when he comes face to face to the most handsome man he has ever seen. Its dark now, the light from behind shadowing the other boys features and Regulus wishes he had been closer to him earlier today. Wishes he could observe him this closely while the sun shined down illuminating his features.
He starts talking again then. "I'm James Potter" he says, offering another smile this one more sure.
"Regulus Black" he feels the name is the least he can give James.
James. Oh James. Too kind for the world James.
As regulus goes to put his foot up on the railing he misplaces his foot and slips. And oh. This isn't what he wanted at all. Terror grips at Regulus as he shouts for James, pleading for him to pull him up. James has both hands grabbing at his arm as he tried to get a footing onto the edge of the ship but slips again, arm almost slipping from James' hands.
"I've got you Regulus its alright I've got you".
James pulls up again and this time Regulus gets his footing managing to help himself up a bit as James pulls him until they both collapse onto the floor of the deck.
Before Regulus can recover, can even begin to progress what happened, workers are surrounding them demanding James to step back and ordering for the master as arms to be called. Regulus feels its dramatic but he knows how it looks, a third class passenger and a first class passenger.
When the master at arms, Mr. Selwyn arrives, he's accompanied by Regulus' mother, Thea and Mr. Slughorn which Regulus definitely feels is excessive. Walburga unsurprisingly begins accusing James of trying to steal from Regulus, throwing various insults at James not just about his class but the colour of his skin too. Before she can go too far, Regulus steps in.
"Mother stop. Mr. Potter here saved me. Stupidly I slipped at the railings and almost went over. Mr. Potter heard me and almost went over himself too"
Walburga of course was still not happen "Slipped? Are you seriously so incompetent that you slipped while standing at a railing?"
"No. No I was em....I was leaning too far over to see the er.." He was stuck and started making vague hand gestures trying to act as though he was just lost for words.
"Propellors?" Walburga said unimpressed.
"Yes! Yes the uh propellors" thankful his mother had suggested propellors.
"Well, I always told you mechanics was useless for you anyway." His mother said, seemingly believing his answer.
"Well! Looks like we have a hero amongst us then" Mr. Slughorn jovially cut in and for once Regulus was thankful. "We must reward him, for saving our young master Regulus here".
Before his mother could suggest some lowly sum of money, Regulus cut in.
"Dinner. You should join us for dinner tomorrow, that way we can properly thank you and you can regale the story."
His mother looked as though she didn't agree but stayed quiet, Regulus noted that Thea had been silent the entire exchange, as though Regulus' wellbeing wasn't of too much importance to her.
James seemed skeptical "Sure yeah, if its no problem"
Slughorn answered for him "Not at all m'boy your a hero".
Regulus' mother turned to leave, grabbing his arm to bring him so Regulus said a quick goodbye walking silently to his room under the mask of still being in shock. It wasn't wrong, the shock still hadn't completely worn away yet. Not the shock of the near death experience but at James too. Admittedly Regulus had thought about James once or twice since seeing him on the deck earlier today, before even knowing his name. Dinner was just a selfish excuse for Regulus to have a reasonable excuse to spend more time with James, even if his mother was present but he knew James would improve dinner greatly.
As Regulus tried to sleep, all he could think of was messy brown curls and the feeling of James' warm hand in his.